Some quiet Sunday evening pints were taking place. Discussion of important things like football, Bertie’s finances and whether or not you’d go to jail if it was discovered that you had released an enraged hippo at the top of Henry Street on a Saturday afternoon was taking place.
Ron was in good form because a tourist had come into the bar and earlier that day and spent a fortune on beer and whiskey. As he was half-cut coming into the place he had no idea he was paying €50 a pint but when he woke up outside, in a doorway just around the corner, he’d figure it out from his empty wallet.
Dirty Dave was unusually silent though. There was no ‘If you could be a tissue, a piece of toilet paper or a silk handkerchief which one would you be?’ type questions. Still, that’s often a blessing in disguise and we carried on our erudite discourse without him. It was too good to last though. After we’d come to the conclusion that you probably would go to jail for the hippo thing he spoke.
“Lads, do you think it’s possible to have a wet nightmare?”
“What?”, said Jimmy the Bollix.
“Well, you know, like a wet dream but instead of a dream it’s a nightmare.”
“I can’t say I’ve ever experienced such a thing”, said Jimmy.
“Me a neither”, said Lucky Luciano. “Last a week I’m a have big wet dream about Monica Bellucci. Cazzo, que figa! Mrs Lucky she a don’t like though. Have to clean a the sheets. But wet a nightmare is a something new.”
“Ron?”, asked Dave.
“Fuck off and mind your own fucking business. I’m not telling you about my dreams, dry, wet, slightly damp or otherwise.”
“What was your dream about?”, I asked him.
“Well, it began like a regular kind of a wet dream. I was in a big castle with weird spotlights on the ramparts. There were two moons in the sky and the air was warm. I walked up a set of stairs and there was a big four poster bed and Grainne Seoige was lying on it in sexy lingerie. She told me she needed a real man to ‘plough the box off her’. I was that real man. So we got down to it, you don’t need to know the details, but then I noticed a strange sensation on my mickey. I looked down and instead of being a sexy afternoon TV presenter type person she had turned into a great big hairy spider. And I was riding the spider. And here’s the thing, if I stopped riding the spider would eat me, like a black widow or one of Kirstie Alley’s sexual partners, so I had to keep riding the spider.”
“Ewww.”
“Yeah, it was terrifying, I don’t mind telling you. Not only terrifying but disgusting too. Have you ever ridden a huge hairy spider? Spider vag is not to be recommended at all. But as terrifying as it all was it was also highly erotic and arousing and when I woke up, at the point of climax, my pyjamas were coated in man milk. I feel a bit confused this morning.”
“I can’t say I blame you.”
“What does it all mean? Do I secretly fancy a bit of bestiality? Does the spider signify something else? How did a nice dream turn into a nightmare so quickly? Am I the first person ever to have a wet nightmare?”
“All very good questions indeed, Dave.”
“Do you have any answers?”
“No, and I suspect that if you were to go and visit a pyschiartist or psychologist or psychoanalyst, or perhaps even all three, they’d tell you the same thing.”
“What’s that then?”
“Please leave before I gouge my own eyes out. You are beyond help.”
It’s obvious what that means, you’re to be frogmarched up the aisle within the year, and her good self likes spiders.
Mmmm Monica Belluci….
Perhaps a small spider crawled into the eye of his cock during sleep and his subconscious mind somehow incorporated this into his dream?
Ah Jesus H! That’s just pure nasty.
Nasty and arousing…
Arachnia Fucken you’re breaking new ground, you’re a credit to Dublin!
It means hes gay and he wants to ride spiderman
Either that or he has a superhero fetish … but didn’t we all after watching wonder woman on the rte
“Will you come outta that bathroom ..what you doing in there …”
Aaaa maaaaa just-a-bit-longer I was ating fish fingers today
So you have a fetish for sticking fish fingers up your brown highway?
ooohh, putting pyschiartist and psychologist in the same sentence, thats just asking for trouble…
This topic reminds me of “Conan the Barbarian”.
Y’know the bit where he shacks up with a witch in the wilderness and then she turns into a monster.
Don’t you mean releasing an enraged Biffo on Henry Street? He must be pissed off by now.
I think your buddy Dave was having having a flash back to that old Cure video for Lullaby…he probablay has some repressed desire for Rob Smith
Old gothie Rob has the same kinda black hair Grainne
and ontop of the the video not to subtly ends with a man getting sucked into a huge hairy hole… Nuf said there
Haha, I agree with Crea, psychologists dont spend 6 years in medical school, pfft. I think it means he wants to experiment with a hermpharodite. He’s got the woman, then she gets hairy (like a man). Spiders have eight legs which is over-representation of one body part, that probably relates to his desire to copulate with someone that has more than one sexual organ. Yeah.