Poomerald
Posted on | February 16, 2008 | 32 Comments
*bring bring*
“Hello?”
“How’re ya, Twenty? Dave here.”
“Why are you ringing me this early on a Saturday?”
“I have a question.”
“Oh fuck…go on.”
“I was wondering what happens to poo that’s been cooked to perfection but that you keep trapped in your bowels?”
“Huh?”
“Well, I’m dying for a poo right now. It’s obviously perfectly ripe as I am touching cloth but I’m wondering what would happen if I refused to let it out. You know the way coal turns into diamonds if you leave them long enough? Well, perhaps my poo might become some kind of fabulous jewel.”
“Sweet holy mother of the sacred heart of the crucified Jesus.”
“So should I hold it in?”
“Yes. Now fuck off.”
“Ok! I’ll let you know what happens.”
*click*
I really should know better than to answer the fucking phone in the first place.
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32 Responses to “Poomerald”
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February 16th, 2008 @ 12:25 pm
Well, any phone that has a ring like
*bring bring*
shouldn’t be answered at all. Not really.
February 16th, 2008 @ 12:30 pm
All phones should sound like *bring bring*
February 16th, 2008 @ 12:30 pm
You should tell Dave to invest in a copy of Roger’s Profanisaurus , there is a treasure trove of Carnal , fecal and othe vulgar knowledge.What he’s got hidden away might be called a “railway sleeper” , hope this helps
February 16th, 2008 @ 12:48 pm
Briquettes. Useful enough but it’ll take him a year to shit an entire bale.
February 16th, 2008 @ 1:00 pm
Briquettes. Useful enough but it’ll take him a year to shit an entire bale.
Fucking amateur,I’d do it in a month.
February 16th, 2008 @ 1:13 pm
During a more gullible, less cynical period of my life I was told by a friend that pissing in public was illegal but that shitting in public was allowed because of the health risks involved in holding it in. Six months of therpay is a tough way to learn not to trust everything you’rre told. Dave is anally retentive by the way – stuck in Freud’s third stage of polymorphous perversity.
February 16th, 2008 @ 2:04 pm
i can see your stream of conciousness twenty. from guiness to poo. Ive never tried to hold in a guiness shite. Never has ‘better out than in’rang more truly.
Ugh
February 16th, 2008 @ 2:07 pm
Are Black Pearls from savvy Guinness drinkers ?
And what does this tell us about the stupidity of Colonic irrigation, so beloved of the people’s princess?
February 16th, 2008 @ 2:21 pm
Graham Norton?
February 16th, 2008 @ 2:30 pm
That has probably spoiled a few people’s day !
February 16th, 2008 @ 3:19 pm
Twenty was right the other day. You’re all apple popping cider pushers. Guinness poo cannot be withheld on demand. Guinness produces poo with attitude. Fuck-off poo that is going to appear when IT wants, in a colour IT decides, so hold in your fruit juices if you want. I’m going to stick with the stuff that is going to excrete itself at 7.40 am even if I’m laying in until ten!
February 16th, 2008 @ 3:26 pm
I know a guy who held on to his poo for a week. He never did get the stain out of his hand
February 16th, 2008 @ 6:55 pm
What will he do when the shit backs up until it reaches the back of his throat and he can no longer swallow. Or drink! Will he smell the same or will there be an improvement? Anyway, I figure that there will be no more “bring, bring’s” coming from him any longer if he gets to that stage.
February 16th, 2008 @ 7:25 pm
Noooo, ur friend will end up with a leaky anal sphincter from chronic constipation & when he goes to the doctor, they’ll be all “mister your arsehole is dead loose, is it because of anal penetration?” and your friend will be gayed for life.
February 16th, 2008 @ 7:39 pm
Twenty, your mate Dave sounds like he’s full o’ shit (or he soon will be!)
February 16th, 2008 @ 7:40 pm
I’ll tell you what will happen to it.
It’ll be nominated for an IFTA.
February 16th, 2008 @ 8:52 pm
One of my friend’s mother is a nurse and told him a story of one patient who came suffering with chronic constipation. Apparently he hadn’t had a shit in about a week and it was tearing up his insides. They kept him in hospital and piled him full of laxatives, but to no avail. Eventually it got so bad, he ended up puking fecal matter. Sorry.
February 16th, 2008 @ 9:37 pm
I love the way these comments are going..
February 16th, 2008 @ 9:39 pm
Better in than out in his case I would imagine
February 16th, 2008 @ 10:02 pm
Damn but you’ve been writing some absolute shite lately.
February 16th, 2008 @ 10:11 pm
Better out than in I say
And I can’t help myself
Does Dave hanging on to it make it the “Poo-i-noor”?
Ahaaaaaaaahaa
February 17th, 2008 @ 12:02 am
i never heard so much shite in my life
February 17th, 2008 @ 1:19 am
well, sammie tried the holding it in thing and kept complaining of all these backache’s and jay whitlow and eric y explained to him that if he kept it up he would get nice and impacted and it would take a major tube-job to clean him out but he wised up and went with one of those rapid duty laxative things. these days he’s actually counting fiber grams and whitlow wonders where this is all leading.
February 17th, 2008 @ 4:36 am
Seen ‘Death at A Funeral’ yet?
February 17th, 2008 @ 6:18 am
That was a crap post if ever I read one
February 17th, 2008 @ 2:25 pm
That reminds me, I have an icecream mars in the freezer…
February 17th, 2008 @ 5:39 pm
Obviously his poo must have come out to receive the “best” pop act at the Meteor Awards
February 17th, 2008 @ 8:38 pm
Twenty,
why not post some stuff that is really just a thinly-veilled advertisement for the soon-coming book?
I’m sure all your readers would appreciate it.
Cheers.
February 17th, 2008 @ 8:44 pm
Eh?
February 18th, 2008 @ 12:47 am
In geriatric wards in hospitals, if a patient cannot poo the nurses have to perform a manual extraction – in other words they have to hoke the poo out of the old person’s hole. When I learned that fact nurses suddenly became slightly less attractive.
February 18th, 2008 @ 2:15 am
FF, Nurses are the very best.
Someday,if you’re very lucky, you’ll find that out. Isn’t that right Nurses, eh? wink, wink
And Twenty, I’m really just fishing for the half-promised extract. I’m just a bit bored.
February 18th, 2008 @ 8:16 am
So when Neil Simon sang ‘Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes’, was he actually referring to some lass who trod in something on a South Circular footpath?