The country is fucked. You all know that but I don’t think you know quite how fucked it is. And it’s all our own fault. It’s us. Not the politicians, not the governments, councils or even the church.
We have become obsessed with the good time culture and the only reason we work is so we can get enough money to get competely and utterly out of it at the weekends. Booze, coke, pills, more booze, hash, grass, uppers, downers, ‘ludes, even more booze. It’s reached epidemic proportions if you believe the newspapers this weekend.
We’re debauched, without morals, always looking for the easy fix, the carnal pleasures, the parties and the easy girls with the short dresses on in winter (which means they’re definitely riding on the first night).
How can it possibly have come to this? Ireland, known throughout the world as a land of abstemious scholars and literary giants, now has a reputation as a nation that loves to get drunk, get high, tune in, turn on and drop out. I am fucking staggered let me tell you. Apparently the number of off-licences in the country has trebled. This is a bad thing, so they say.
Well, it’s certainly a bad thing for the vintners who hate the fact you can now get a 6-pack of beer in the offie for the same price of a pint in a city-centre bar. But sure if you would have had 5 pints, at least, when you went out, then why not drink 30 beers in the comfort of your own home. And Christ, once you’ve had 30 beers at home going into town for a few more, even at those prices, seems like a decent idea.
Then there’s drugs. Everyone knows somebody who sells cocaine. Sure isn’t it the thing that brings families together these days.
“How are you, Mam? How’s the new hip?”
“Ahh ’tis grand. A bit sore you know but a couple of lines and I don’t really feel it. Fancy one?”
“Well, I’m supposed to be picking the kids up now but go on.”
“Good man, and here’s a little baggy for the young ones. Tell them I sent it up to them.”
See? In my day we used to get a five-penny bag of jellies from our grannies.
But what to do? How can we go about fixing this situation before we’re all lying in gutters, selling our holes on the street corners to buy the crack we need or dropping like models who say they don’t do drugs?
We have universities, don’t we? We have clever people who might just have some of their cleverness remaining. The good brain cells haven’t been obliterated by binge-drinking and casual drug taking. These people need to get together and come up with something. Not a plan. Not a think-tank. Not a committee or a strategy or anything else that will take up too much time and money and come up with little in the way of results.
No, these cunts need to make a new substance that will get us out of our heads but without any long term damage to our health. With all the wonders of science and technology at our disposal it must be possible to create a new drink or a new narcotic that helps us forget the state of our health service and the minister who goes to the Superbowl and eats foot-longs instead of trying to fix it.
Something that will allow us to ignore the fact that our politicians are crooked, that the Taoiseach is to politics what Gary Glitter is to teenage discos, that the church still won’t take any responsibility for the fact they buggered so many of our children, that houses are too expensive to buy without a lotto win, that people spend the equivalent of an entire day commuting just to get to work, that childcare costs as much as your wife’s entire salary, that violent crime is on the increase, that you’re more likely to be stabbed in the face than have someone say ‘good morning’ to you, that the price of a pint is now up there with the Scandinavian countries we used to laugh at because booze was so expensive, that we live on credit, that immigrants are taking all our jobs and that basically we’re all just dreadfully unhappy which is why we drink so much in the first place.
It can’t be that fucking difficult. Chemicals + something + more chemicals = substance which makes us feel good, think we’re more attractive and witty than we are but without the side effects and next-day hangover. Then we could get as fucked as we wanted but with no reprisals or holier-than-thou bleating from the newspapers and media (who are all snorting lines off their desks as they write the shit anyway).
Somebody, for the love of Christ, do something.
that’s all very well , but soon trappatoni will be drinking pints with Lucky L , in Ron’s I say soon Trappatoni …..ah fuck it
You misersable fucker. Monday mornings are bad enough without having to read that depressing shite you cunt.
How about some drugs? That’d cheer you up…
I’ll get my best people right on it.
I think the clue is in the last line.
Don’t bother looking to the universities Twenty, they’re likely to cause even more damage. Somehow, and I don’t quite know how, but somehow I’m sure it’s all their fault to begin with!
What sort of drugs?
Ones that are easy to take, easy to conceil and easy to come off…
Disprin?
Rowan Williams has the answer – Sharia!
I’ve been squirting “Mr. Sheen” up my shiny nose for years, and in umpteen drug-tests I always come out clean.
Is that what Twenty meant when he said he was taking the Pledge ?
what’s gotten you so chirpy today?
Don’t waste you time and money on Pledge. Cillit BANG! is yer only man.
Unless of course you know where you can get good clean Vim.
Ah yes, those were the daze.
Definitely one of my favourite TM posts. One thing stands out though… you have a wife??? Can I still try and seduce you at the blog awards? ;-)
The internet was down in Google today, my friend said there was people jumping out the windows in terror and panic. Saweeeet!
Good grief! I go away for two weeks and you get all serious. I hope you feel better soon.
I guess we’re lucky in England. We never had the ‘abstemious scholars and literary giants’ to begin with…but everything else sounds all too familiar.
“…holier-than-thou bleating from the newspapers and media (who are all snorting lines off their desks as they write the shit…”
Well that explains why msm stories are so creative. Don’t they know they need the lines on the page instead? Feckless idiots, they are.
Christ, there’s always some insufferable cunt whining about the amount of drink/drugs/furniture polish we consume. They’re probably just jealous cuz they’re never invited to good parties…
I’ve been using pledge for 10 years now and never had a hangover or comedown off it, and the other advantage is the whole world semlls nice. The downside is I keep on dreaming of an old man chasing me in a bi-plane.
OMG – am totally horrified by this piece as it means that you read the SINDO – for shame!
Nope. I can see the front cover and hear the radio ads though.
I’m high on life and ladders.
people will and always have done drugs
cheer up for fucks sake
there’s nothing new here; move on
I love immigrants
The Sindo should introduce mandatory drug testing in-house. A reader might well imagine that the standard of copy produced each week, the overblown egos, the constant hyperbole, the constant self-promotion, the being out of touch with reality etc etc might have something to do with cocaine use.
I read the Sindo so I can my hatred for Brendan O’Connor sharp.
”tune in, turn on and drop out”
Is the LSD market big in ireland these days or wha?
Heh, the taoiseach and gary glitter..
Leave it to Bock, he’s got the whole anger thing right down.
Bocks so angry he’s even doing puns like twenty now. will he be angry that somebody noticed?
I think all your scholars leave your country due to lack of stimulation. I never realised the sheer number of bums/destructive lazy types in Ireland. I’ve read a lot of Irish Literature and text book history and I wonder what happened to all the inspiration and talent? Hmmm, I think it must all be concentrated in Ronan O Gara’s ass.
amazing work here 20 –
but sitting across the pond here, there really isnt that much of a difference.
part of the draw to this blog is that, although your obviously irish, the issues that are raised are by and large universal.
it really does raise the issue – thats the problem, whats is humanity capable of doing in terms of fixing it?
“Skal beskyttes mod sollys og má ikkeudsaettes for temperatures pá over 50 oC.”
That’s what I call Literary Genius!!
Off of the back of a can of Glade Magnolia & Vanilla.
Jeezus, look at that carpet!!!!
thanks for the image of mary harney eating a footlong..
Thought you might enjoy that one.
Thought you might enjoy that one…
I must object to the “immigrants are taking all our jobs” bit. I haven’t seen any immigrants taking any jobs that any Irish person would want or do, and in addition, with the good jobs there is usually a requirement to fill the position with a local if at all possible.
A solution to the rest of it- do what I’ve done and move to New Zealand! It’s fab! Like Ireland but, you know, well run by polite people. Great wine too. Miss Barry’s tea though………
They took our jobs
Is the answer in the last line Twenty – that you want a poor aged pgan to give up on booze, drugs, fornication and pray?
Well fuck you cos I am having a ball, so there!
The problem is that the majority of Irish people are corrupt and outside the cities they’re only interested in who attends all the local GAA functions and fixes the garden gate with most haste. Also like most governments around the world, the multinationals run the show. If we all stopped buying non-essentials for a week and gave our reason as – “Fuck You Bertie” – they’d soon listen. Maybe!?