Spending spree!!
Tonight’s Euro Millions lottery jackpot is set to be €130m, which is fucking fantastic because 130,000,000 is my lucky number. Here are some of things I’m going to buy when I win:
- Newstalk 106 and I’m going to make Brenda Power be the cleaning lady and it will become Radio Twenty – All 80s, All the time. Yeah.
- A pair of matching lions
- James Brown’s skeleton – get up offa that thing
- An executive box at Old Trafford which I will fill with people who will constantly abuse Cristiano Ronaldo with megaphones. They will not rest till they make him cry
- The bit of land that Pat Kenny is in dispute with his neighbours about. Then I’m going to put a cluster of travellers on it.
- Some slaves (from many different countries so it’s not racist or anything)
- A new TV for Ron’s, it’ll be a genuine Sorny too
- A team of people who will give away free copies of the Big Issue while standing alongside those trying to sell it
- A forcefield for my house, cool
- A motorbike with a sidecar so me and Bastardface could zoom around town and he could bite cars and pedestrians
- Loads of organs for people waiting for transplants, then I’d auction them to the highest bidders
What would you buy? (hypothetical, of course, coz there’s no chance of you winning it because I’m going to win it).
February 8th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
I’d probably buy a used airliner.
Fill it with foreign drivers, and that w@nkbag senator.
Hire an islamic fundamentalist pilot.
Give him a map of Dublin with Dail Eireann circled.
I think you know where I’m going with this…..
February 8th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Jesus, no comments yet, I bet they are all making lists, and trying to figure out how to put a bulleted list in a comment…
CAnt top the knackers in Pat Kennys garden(he thinks) so I wont bother
But I would buy a brand new shiny Red bicycle like I’v always dreamed of
February 8th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
[...] of the King, what he’s do if he won the Euromillions. Two words: Assassination [...]
February 8th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I’d top up my exotic poisons cabinet. Christmas really took a chunk out of it.
“Surprise Auntie Maura, I made you and your lovely children a yule log this year!”
February 8th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
I would buy the building I work in and blow it up. I would leave a handpicked selection of people trapped inside. Funfunfunfunfun.
February 8th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
I would rent a pack of mincing sumo wrestlers, and I would have everyone one I dont like, even a little bit, gang raped back to the stonage by them.
Then dump in my bosses eyeball.
February 8th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I like Newstalk! keeps me sane in the Taxi!
I’d buy a private hospital.. you can pretend you’re doing good while still raking it in.
I’d do the odd poor person for free to salve my conscience
February 8th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
As in you’d “do” them?
February 8th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
I’d buy Andrea Corr’s minge and use it to house my horse
February 8th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
I’d buy Paul Williams a source that is a not a cop so he’s have to write some facts for a change.
February 8th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
First I’d buy Athlone.
Then I’d buy a few dozen air-to-ground missiles.
Then I’d pay for some flying lessons.
February 8th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Me love.
February 8th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
I’d buy 129,999,999 scratch cards using my €1 left over for the scratching
February 8th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I’d buy the Sindo – and then i’d shave Barry Ego’s head and make him wear a manky tracksuit – all day, every day.
February 8th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
I’d buy the internet.
February 8th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
I’d buy Bertie.
February 8th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
And still have bucketloads of change…
February 8th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
What Itchybollix said plus:
Hire a private detective to find Yippee
Hire an assassin to eliminate those wankstains in Cork who are clogging the airwaves, aided by their pals in RTE, with their stupid “dispute”
Buy Clive Owen, for obvious reasons
Buy Jose Mourinho, for obvious reasons and to manage our national team when I get bored with him
February 8th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
A Dail seat, for the free parking (in perpetuity) when I’m in Dublin city centre.
February 8th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Ride on northsider! and take a big poo on a plate and get fuckwit o’connor to eat it
February 8th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
A machine to intercept duck thoughts.
A new host body.
A crime fighting kit & cape.
My own critian rock bannd. So i could burn them alive.
Sanskrit lessons.
A zombie
My own terrorist cell.
A nemisis.
Asthma.
Two badgers.
Thats all i can think of now.
February 8th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Well seeing how the AUD is probably worth about 30p, I guess that would leave me more than enough to buy Tasmania…
February 8th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Actually, first thing I’d buy is the CCTV footage from the place I bought the ticket.
February 8th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
I’d buy your book, Twenty.
February 8th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I’d buy Jerusalem and put up a disneyland there.
February 8th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Naturally, I would buy every copy of Twenty’s upcoming book propelling him to the New York Times best selling list and a spot on the Oprah show so he could unleash the wrath of bastardface on her in front of a live TV audience.
February 8th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
I’d buy happiness, which is for sale. But I wouldn’t be idle. I’d turn right around and sell small chunks of high-end, gold-plated, monogrammed happiness to discerning miserable bastards thus increasing my pile of money and allowing me to buy happiness in bulk from poor but jolly Chinese labourers. You’ve got to speculate to ahumourate.
February 8th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
I’d hire lucky luciano to take care of the following people…….
Alan HughesLouis WalshDavid McSavageIan O’DohertyBarry Egan… actually this could get a bit long so… the offices of Independent News and MediaLisa MurphyTom CruiseMaura Derrane
February 8th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
…and the fuckers who stripped out the HTML tags which should have created a bulletted list of some description in my post.
February 8th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
I’d gather together every breed, creed, and colour of retard with every affliction known to man and get them all to live around cnut and when he moved I’d move them with him, then I’d pay SAm crea wads of money to disagree with him!
February 8th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
I woul buy 10 Park Drive.
February 8th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
I’d buy my own car park so I could park and ride1
February 8th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
BA, I’m fairly sure you wouldn’t have to pay Lucky that much to get rid of that list? A first class air fare to get over to Cruise perhaps, but otherwise I’d say you could enter into negotiations regardless of whether you win. If you add the RTE sports department, I’ll throw a few bob in. We might get a group rate. Maybe he has a nosey cousin who could locate Yippee…?
February 8th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I would have a house built where all the available wall space except for bathrooms and kitchen would be glorious oak bookshelves with a massive collection of first editions.
And I would buy a pet monkey.
February 8th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
I would buy, I mean hire, the attractive actresses from Home and Away, Neighbours, Hollyoaks and Coronation Street and make them perform the script that I have written that won’t get shown on TTV.
February 8th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
A new liver.
February 8th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
I would buy up every Unicorn in the world and seven hundred Irish Virgins and hide them in the undiscovered part of Roscommon, then I’ll set up a blog called IVU and post live footage of sexual activity between both parties, I think this could challenge even your fine blog for top spot!
February 8th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Sorry, I should have clarified…. when I said “take care”, I actually meant “take care”.
I would have Lucky beat said people until they were in a permanant vegetive state and required round the clock care. The I would, in a heart warming public gesture (because nobody would know I had bank rolled the earlier attacks), employ Lucky as their full time carer. (I’m sure he is as adept at prolonged torture as he is at assassinations).
I’d love to take a crowbar to Alan Huges myself but I fear it would look like a gay hate attack. I would have to camp the attack up a bit – maybe swing the crowbar with my left hand so I would look un-coordinated and girly?
(Forgot Gavin Lambe Murphy too)
February 8th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
I’d buy Gerry Adams a car that drives itself.
February 8th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
You, Twenty.
February 8th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
I’ve just been told that I’d stand a better chance with an equal number Unicorns and Irish Virgins fair enough if that’s the way it has to be!
February 8th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
haha..you are so Funny..
February 8th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Mastaa – too late – allegedly Bertie has already been purchased.
Twenty, I’d rescue Bastardface and give him a good home!
February 8th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
How dare you, Maggie.
Could you provide Bastardface with all the orphans he can eat? I think not.
February 8th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
And you can’t buy me, Anna. I am not for sale.
Unless the wages were like, really, really good.
February 8th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
Brendan O’Connor would have to start being VELLLY wary of Italians.
February 8th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Were you on the Luas at 0905 today? I just ask because there was some bearded old cunt having a smoke and annoying the shit out of other people on it this am. I congragulated him and asked if his name was Twenty Major and he told me to fuck off. A shoe-in if you ask me. Bald Devil meets Twenty Major, should have kicked your fuckin head in while I had the chance…
Bald Devil loves you all.
February 8th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
And before you ask, congragulate is an old English word for offering your thanks whilst wishing to kick someones head in.
Bald Devil loves you all.
February 8th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
You wouldn’t stand a chance, you slapheaded cunt. I was taught by the master.
http://tinyurl.com/3acl4p
February 8th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Ahh, Hong Kong Phooey. Number one super guy! Hong Kong Phooey. Quicker than the human eye!
Multi Coloured Swap Shop fan eh? Back in the day when Noel Edmonds was nearly cool. Saturday mornings indeed…!
http://www.seth-smith.org.uk/images/blog/fletcher.jpg
A know a fox who could solve anything…
Bald Devil loves you all.
February 8th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Twenty – everyone is for sale, dahling. You won’t need wages; trust me.
Warmed up today by cashing in my Irish Lotto ticket from Wednesday. 150% profit on my investment, I might add. Ridiculously rich, here I come!
February 8th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
There’s a rash of beards on display in Dublin these days… they’re can’t have been so many beards here since 1978… what the hell is up? You can’t all be ugly and oozing personality. Is the tash about to make a come back??
I’d buy Dundrum Town Centre and turn it into a barber shop.
February 8th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
http://www.monkeybawl.com/index.htm
And you and Monkey Balls have the cheek to call my blog tedious and lame??
Bald Devil loves you all.
February 8th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
Damn, I found twenty in Canada!
http://www.snotr.com/video/723
February 8th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
It’s not enough for me, because I would like to buy the entire airline industry. Every last plane. Mine. Mine. Mine. Also Satan’s soul, I think I need him on my team.
February 9th, 2008 at 1:31 am
Buy up all the food in Ireland just to piss Harney off …
February 9th, 2008 at 2:18 am
I would ship all you Bogswimmers to the Yanks. I would build a palace in the middle of Dublin.
February 9th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Re # 53;
Bald Devil, I never called your blog tedious and lame. I called you a cunt. There IS a difference.
And monkeybawl.com is an unfinished WEBSITE, not a blog. The clue is in the name.
I’ve just had a life-changing experience recently, which has prevented me from devoting the necessary time to building the site. When I eventually get around to it, I’m gonna piss all over your “Blog”, from a height.
Thanks for the publicity.
February 9th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
“get up offa that thing”
brilliant
February 9th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
A new TV for Ron’s? You skinflint!
February 10th, 2008 at 1:00 am
I’d buy Gracelands and turn it into an Irish themed bed & breakfast. …………
All the staff would dress like Elvis and speak in Cork accents.
February 10th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
I would buy Scientology and throw Tom Cruise out on his neck. I would then fleece all the eejit members for a number of years before telling them it was all a load of old cock
February 11th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
You wouldn’t buy a whole pile outta the Irish Lotto, the prizes are laughable, I was standing in my local shop Saturday evening having a natter, when I was goggle eyed by the amount of money taken in for lotto tickets in a 5 minute period. The punters are the unfortunates here, why should the ‘charities and good causes’ get the biggest share of the lolly ??
I’ve gone through 2 leather recliners since last September, by simply pissing myself every time the Winning Streak Game Show comes on. The prizes are sheet. Every contestant who spares the time to appear on the show should be guaranteed a car, a holiday home (to own) and at least 100,000 grand and the chance to win a million with at least 25 chances for the ferris wheel to stop at the magic million. Chances are and I’m not a betting person the ‘ucken thing would still land on 16,000 every other time…toodle pips !
February 13th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
You can’t have my land!
I’ll fight you to the death in a bare-knuckle boxing match for it first!