Horny
Posted on | February 8, 2008 | 30 Comments
“Why do people lie, Twenty?”, said Dirty Dave.
“What do you mean?”, I answered.
“Well, politicians lie all the time.”
“That’s their job.”
“No, their job is do what we tell them to because we voted for them, therefore we own them. They are like a pair of socks.”
“Do you find your socks often do what you tell them to?”
“My socks stopped listening to me years ago. That’s why I refuse to wear them. If I can be bothered I put some bandage around my foot or some asbestos insulation from the attic. Itchy but at least it does what I say.”
“That’s the important thing”, I said taking a gulp of my pint.
“And what about environmentalists. They lie.”
“That’s because they have to make people think there really is a crisis so the eco-industry can continue to make billions.”
“Fuckers. Telling us about extinction and all that and the evidence against it is right in front of us. But we are too blind to see.”
“Such as?”
“Well, I went to the zoo the other day and I saw a unicorn.”
“You what?”
“Seriously. I was wandering around checking out the gibbons, mules and retired 2FM DJs when there, in his pen, larger than fucking life was a unicorn.”
“A unicorn?”
“Are you deaf or what? A unicorn. Now, he was certainly a lot lower to the ground than most unicorns you see in books but he was a unicorn nonetheless.”
“Was he indeed?”
“He certainly was. And he was a lot greyer and fatter than I had expected but he had his horn and I don’t suppose you can be too picky with regards the unicorn.”
“I don’t suppose you can. Have you thought about going down there with a video camera and taking some footage, then exposing this dreadful subterfuge that has been perpetrated on us all?”
“I hadn’t but that seems like a good idea.”
“Stinking Pete just mugged a tourist for a new Sony handycam on Monday. I’m sure he’ll give you a lend of it. You realise, having uncovered such a wicked deception, that you have a duty to make sure the truth gets out there.”
“Right as ever, Twenty! In fact I’ll go round to Pete now and head back to the Zoo before they try and hide the evidence.”
“Good man.”
“And I think I’ll get some footage of the rhinos too. I love rhinos.”
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30 Responses to “Horny”
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February 8th, 2008 @ 12:32 am
You should have told him to go sit on the horn and recieve an enlightening experience.
February 8th, 2008 @ 12:42 am
If the Bible can talk about unicorns, so can they. The Bible is God’s word and while an Irish Cardinal may lie, God can’t. See Job 39:9-10 for the unicorn story.
February 8th, 2008 @ 3:18 am
My bible has a footnote for the unicorn saying “or rhinoceros”. It’s a really holy bible too. You can’t get them any holier than this one. Not unless you say 3 hail Marys and perform some serious priest fellatio.
The questions put in Job are
9 Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by the crib?
10 Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow? Or will he harrow the valleys after thee?
I’m no expert, mind, but my money’s on harrowing the valleys. The easiest way to find out would be just to ask Dave what he canst do with the unicorn.
February 8th, 2008 @ 6:35 am
problemchildbride: Do you *really* think those old besotted and beshitted Hebrews like Job ever saw or heard of a rhinoceros? Oh, yes, Noah had a pair on the boat.
Alleging Job meant a rhino when he said unicorn is what the nuns told the class so we wouldn’t think the priest was really a fabulist.
The fundamentalists and Dave (and Ian Paisley) know it was really a unicorn. God’s tooth, as it were.
February 8th, 2008 @ 7:10 am
Then God’s got a cavity. It’s not surprising because all the dentists go to hell. He’d have to trade a whole saint and a dozen cherubim with Satan just to get a hygienist up there to look at Him. Satan really is a bastard but he has beautiful teeth.
February 8th, 2008 @ 7:42 am
Thats right problemchildbride, teeth just like Tom Cruise. Hang on a minute…Surely not?
Bald Devil loves you all.
February 8th, 2008 @ 8:18 am
[...] Minister Gordon Brown’s grilling by senior MPs on the Commons liaison committee. (25 clicks) Horny“Why do people lie, Twenty?”, said Dirty Dave. “What do you mean?”, I answered. “Well… White Men Are The Swing Voters/Jews/Blacks/Women/Latinos of Liberal FascismThat’s right y’all. I [...]
February 8th, 2008 @ 8:18 am
[...] Minister Gordon Brown’s grilling by senior MPs on the Commons liaison committee. (25 clicks) Horny“Why do people lie, Twenty?”, said Dirty Dave. “What do you mean?”, I answered. “Well… White Men Are The Swing Voters/Jews/Blacks/Women/Latinos of Liberal FascismThat’s right y’all. I [...]
February 8th, 2008 @ 8:22 am
[...] role here,” he said, if for no other reason than they are the one large group yet (0 clicks) Horny“Why do people lie, Twenty?”, said Dirty Dave. “What do you mean?”, I answered. “Well… Through the chink in the FenceThrough the chink in the fence atrip of sky and earthen wall through [...]
February 8th, 2008 @ 8:39 am
I don’t know what is going on, all this biblical tomfoolery is confusing my analytical scientific mind. I want a unicorn to sit on…
February 8th, 2008 @ 9:28 am
I’m a Unicorn.
I was born in January.
February 8th, 2008 @ 9:29 am
Can I sit on you?
February 8th, 2008 @ 9:49 am
Why are you asking? Some sort of strange arse deformity that prevents…
oh, I see,
no.
February 8th, 2008 @ 9:52 am
LoL! Amusement I am suffering from…
February 8th, 2008 @ 10:04 am
Deaf people should be put in the bin.
Anyway, Twenty, you’re a cunt. You just made this story up so you could try and impress people by using the word subterfuge. you’re a real asshole, you know that?
February 8th, 2008 @ 10:06 am
Of course I know that. I’m very self-aware, Johnny5.
February 8th, 2008 @ 10:24 am
Me too. I’m an awful cunt.
February 8th, 2008 @ 10:26 am
You won’t hear any arguments from me about that…
February 8th, 2008 @ 10:54 am
Are you in any way as annoying as the robot in the film? You know the one. The one you want to pour petrol over and watch him burn. Then your wish he was human so you could really watch him burn…
February 8th, 2008 @ 11:12 am
If they had orcs and elves in the bible it would be much more interesting.
February 8th, 2008 @ 11:18 am
If they had hard core pornography it would be better.
Why didn’t you say Hobbits? Are you racist?
February 8th, 2008 @ 11:20 am
yes. very.
It makes me angry to see people who are different from me.
Hobbits are gay anyway.
(I’m also homophobic)
February 8th, 2008 @ 11:42 am
LoL! I’m not homophobic, I just dont like getting bummed. That is unless it’s by someone famous and I film it on the sly, using the recording as leverage to get cash from them. Saweeeet!
February 8th, 2008 @ 12:09 pm
Mastaaa, how do you know you don’t like getting bummed? I couldn’t honestly say whether I like it or not, yet.
February 8th, 2008 @ 12:09 pm
“If they had hard core pornography it would be better.”
Have you ever ‘read’ the Old Testament? Filthy book so it is. Chock full of begetting, incest, adultery, shagging slave girls, laying down with animals and the like. The New Testament’s a bit more PG, but that’s only because the Council of Nicea had all those steamy chapters with Mary Magdalene cut out.
February 8th, 2008 @ 12:13 pm
Mary Magdalene was used to shave her gee.
FACT
February 8th, 2008 @ 12:17 pm
Mary Magdalene was used to shave her gee?
Mary Magdalene was used to shave who’s gee?
February 8th, 2008 @ 12:24 pm
Mary Magdalene was used to shave shut your stupid fucking cunt of a mouth, that’s who.
February 8th, 2008 @ 12:54 pm
Okay ye got me there Monkey balls. When in Rome I suppose. Bit of a strapon coming my way me thinks.
Mary shaved her gee with her own teeth.
February 8th, 2008 @ 2:06 pm
Mary shaved Mohammed’s gee.
the big dirty tranny.