Man with odd face takes overnight flight
Posted on | February 5, 2008 | 26 Comments
Sitting yesterday afternoon in Ron’s having a bit of the old banter with Lucky Luciano, who has just come back from compassionately assassinating some bloke down the country.
“Is a best for him”, he wopped, “the wife she is a big fat pig who smell a like a the gee of Medusa.”
“So why did you kill him? You only kill people who deserve to be killed.”
“He once a give money to David McSavage on a the Grafton Street. For this he a deserve to die.”
“Fair enough so.”
We then got into the whole sports thing. We slagged him off after the Irish rugby team’s scintillating performance and victory over the Italians, he slagged us off for needing an Italian football manager because all the Irish candidates are to football management what Mary Harney is to the Slimfast plan.
After a while Stinking Pete came in complaining that he was feeling the cold. This may have been because he was only wearing a lilac t-shirt with a Miami Vice style jacket that he said he bought in some shop down on Liffey Street. I suspect he’s been raiding the clothes bins you find in shopping centre car parks again though. Then Dirty Dave came in and he was more interested in doing the Simplex crossword in the Irish Times than joining in the conversation. He chewed on his pencil and drummed his fingers on the counter and after an hour had only completed three answers.
He looked frustrated and his frustration turned to even more frustration when Ladleface walked through the door. Ladleface is one of Dave’s arch-enemies and is called Ladleface because his face looks like you’re looking at his reflection in the back of a ladle. By a strange coincidence his brother is known as ‘Forky’ but that’s because one night Jimmy stabbed him in the top of the head with a fork and he was so drunk he didn’t notice. He went around most of the night with the fork sticking out of the top of his head. Eventually somebody removed it but not until the name had stuck.
“Hello lads”, he said, “long time no see.”
We muttered our hellos while David muttered things like “Fuck off you cunt. Long time without seeing you is fun time. I hate you.”
“What are you doing there, Dave?”, he asked.
“Simplex”, said Dave.
“Ahh, that’s the very reason I came in. A pint of Ron’s finest and the auld Simplex crossword. You just can’t beat it, can you? Apart from a good soapy wank there’s no better way to pass 5 or 10 minutes.”
“Yeah, you soapy wanker.”
“Race ya”, said Ladleface, who has always been very competitive, “and you’ve even had a head-start!”
Ten minutes later Ladleface is holding aloft his newspaper, the crossword entirely finished, waving it around in the air like he just don’t care.
“Finished! How’re you doing, Dave?”, he asked before grabbing Dave’s paper in which he had filled in one more giving him a grand total of four.
“Ye big spa!”, he said. “Only four? You’re thicker than a handicapped person.”
“Fuck off, Ladleface, you strange-headed cunt”, said Dave, who doesn’t like to beaten.
“Hahahaha, you’re Joey Deacon’s son that he had with Terri Schiavo while she was a vegetable.”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever, but you can’t do this”, said Dave picking up his pint glass. He took a big glug of Guinness, half-swallowed it and then held his nose. At first he looked like he was trying to have a poo, his face all scrunched up, but all of a sudden a jet of stout flew out of the corner of his eye and hit Ladleface right in the nose.
“Fucking hell”, I said. “When did you learn how to do that?”
“I was just bored at home one day and practised for a couple of hours. I think my brain sucks it into my tear ducts or something. I can shoot it about 10 feet if I really try.”
“Cooooool”, said Stinking Pete, looking more impressed than that time the girl in Xtravision bent down to put a copy of Weekend at Bernie’s back and he got a quick glimpse of her freckly boobs.
Meanwhile Ladleface was unhappy, his thunder having been well and truly stolen. “I can too do that”, he said, picking up his own pint glass and doing exactly what Dave did. But no dark beer ejaculated from the corner of his eyes. He held his nose, he scrunched his whole face, he scrunched with all his might but nothing happened. Again and again he tried but it was no use.
Exhausted he stopped and knew he was beaten. He turned around to concede and when he did Stinking Pete let out a shriek.
“Arrrrggh. Devil!”
And it was the weirdest thing. Ladleface’s left eye was completely red, the whole thing. Then, as we were looking at him, his right eye started to go red, like somebody was filling it up with blood right in front of us.
“What’s wrong?”, he asked, panicked at the looks in our eyes.
“Oooh mama”, said Lucky Luciano.
Ladleface turned to Dave who gasped then said “Hahaha, your eyes have burst”, which was probably the last thing the poor cunt heard before he slumped to the floor.
I gave him a few kicks but he didn’t move.
“Looks like he’s dead”, I said.
“Fuck’s sake”, said Ron, “not another one. Right, bring him out the back to the furnace.”
“I think I can see him breathing”, said Pete.
“I said bring him out to the furnace”.
And we did. It’s amazing how often you can convince people that the sweet, sickly smell is coming from the Guinness factory. Dave continued his crossword and by the time I was leaving at around 9 he’d filled in another three.
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26 Responses to “Man with odd face takes overnight flight”
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February 5th, 2008 @ 12:21 am
Jeez Twenty, you’re getting away with murder with that posting!!
February 5th, 2008 @ 12:43 am
Are we to assume that Forky met with the same fate then? In the Furnace I mean? hahahaha. Great story tho
February 5th, 2008 @ 2:29 am
Made me laugh.
February 5th, 2008 @ 3:47 am
“Fuck off, Ladleface, you strange-headed cunt”
Definitely a quotable quote.
ADG
February 5th, 2008 @ 4:07 am
You should write a book or something.
February 5th, 2008 @ 5:41 am
Dave and his tears of pure Guinness could become an icon. He could tour the world! Bless people and that. Offer Guinness and crisps as communion. Our Dave of The Perpetual Dirt.
February 5th, 2008 @ 7:57 am
I love the contrast of the mundane story highlighted with the grizzly bits, Twenty, u r 1 sick cunt.
February 5th, 2008 @ 8:00 am
“called Ladleface because his face looks like you’re looking at his reflection in the back of a ladle.”
So he looks like Keith Moon (look at yourself in the back of a spoon), another annoying git who died under suspicious circumstances. Wait a minute, Dave wasn’t behind that death as well, was he?
February 5th, 2008 @ 8:26 am
I knew that would bother you. Much guffawing.
February 5th, 2008 @ 10:49 am
Is it just me or is this the crappiest week of the year? I want snow. I want a new Tee-shock. I want Phil Collins to go into Ron’s tonight.
February 5th, 2008 @ 11:49 am
Interesting yarn, twenty, one thing however – You never did explain why Ladleface was Dave’s arch enemy?
Is Dave insanely jealous of those with extended facial features?
February 5th, 2008 @ 12:31 pm
When Dave was young he played outside right for his local team. Ladleface took his place in the team despite being, as Dave put it, “worse than the offspring of former Arsenal and Liverpool winger Jimmy Carter and Mama Cass.”
Apparently it was all down to the fact that it was Ladleface’s uncle who coached and fiddled with the team. Dave gave up football after that and has never forgiven Ladleface.
He seems happier now though.
February 5th, 2008 @ 12:55 pm
People of Ireland
Your time to protest against the evils of Scientology has come.
Contact scientologyprotest@gmail.com
We are legion.
February 5th, 2008 @ 12:59 pm
We are legion? Fuck off.
February 5th, 2008 @ 1:01 pm
Oh no! Some spotty hackers calling themselves ‘anonymous’ are after me and my mega-wealthy organisation.
Whatever shall we do? Apparently they are ‘legion’. That sounds scary.
February 5th, 2008 @ 1:27 pm
CoS is probably just a devout Catholic who is jealous of any newcomer.
Anyone else curious as to what documents that cardinal is trying to hide?
probably stuff like:
14th may 1996 : caught Fr Murphy interfering with another boy today, christ he never stops! lol.
23rd may 1996 : some boy’s parents are complaining that their son’s arse is bleeding, I’m gonna give that boy some lashing.he won’t be sitting for a week. lmao!
25th may 1996 : all the lads are pissed downstairs drinking buckfast and playing sex games with the boys. I love being a priest.
February 5th, 2008 @ 1:29 pm
heh
February 5th, 2008 @ 1:29 pm
Dave was a shite outside Right. Average at best. His pong was more suited to a defesive role.
February 5th, 2008 @ 1:30 pm
Brilliant, morgor.
February 5th, 2008 @ 2:05 pm
I don’t want to protest against Scientology or any other cult. They are good craic, what with being mentallers and all that and they provide a valuable public service by hoovering up a portion of the muppets in society. Sweet. Thanks Tom Cruise you legend of a grinning spacer.
February 5th, 2008 @ 2:08 pm
Even priests are funny. Madsers, we need more of them.
February 5th, 2008 @ 2:20 pm
Sometimes I want to give Dave a big hug. Sometimes. He is so troubled.
February 5th, 2008 @ 2:20 pm
supergrover, its good craic laughing at them, but when you consider that the number of people in cults/religions outnumber us about 10 to 1 it’s a bit worrying.
February 5th, 2008 @ 2:21 pm
you should look up “speaking in tongues” on youtube.
crazy fuckers.
February 5th, 2008 @ 2:22 pm
Feckit, morgor, we can take them.
February 5th, 2008 @ 2:33 pm
hehe, that’s the spirit. ;)
Mad fucks will probably nuke themselves so we don’t have to.