Cold is shit
Posted on | February 1, 2008 | 40 Comments
‘Goodness’, I thought as I made my way up Aungiers Street last night, ‘it’s fucking freezing’.
And it was. There was some sleet kind of stuff hitting my face and despite the fact I was wearing a coat made of a million dead sheep and orphans, a woolly hat, a scarf and some gloves, I was cold. And being cold is completely and utterly crap.
There’s no two ways about it. Cold is shit. I have never understood people who go abroad on holidays or to live and then complain about it being too hot. Fuck that. If you gave me a choice between being hanging around in a pair of shorts and a Rab C Nesbitt vest, sweating the whole day long, and sitting somewhere with many layers on chattering and with freezing fingers then I’ll choose the shorts and sweat every day of the week.
All you need to do is turn on a fan or take your shorts off or just enjoy the salty sweatiness. Lazing around like a dog in front of an open fire. It’s awesome. Everywhere you go you are warm. I love it.
Unlike this poxy country where you never get warm at all unless you crank your central heating up. Ireland is fucking crap for the weather. They talk about us having a ‘temperate’ climate but temperate is just another word for ‘shit’. Not too cold, not too warm, just middle of the road mediocre bollocks.
I could live with a cold winter if I knew we were going to get the kind of summer where you had to set off the fire hydrants in the street and dance around and everyone was really happy. But no, we have a couple of days of hotness then the rest is just rubbish.
And if you enjoy the cold it means you’re twisted in the head. No exceptions. You’re mental. There is nothing in the world better than sitting in good company outside a bar, the air so warm you could leave a chicken out and it’d roast, watching the condensation run down the outside of the glass which contains the freezing cold beer you’ve just been given by the bald guy who owns the bar.
I’d fucking kill for one of those beers now.
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40 Responses to “Cold is shit”
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February 1st, 2008 @ 9:47 am
Damn right it’s mental. I went to Canada in Jan. 1999: it was only “freezing” in Toronto. so I hopped on a plane for Edmonton, so I could get my ears to fall off at -25C. In Calgary there were homeless guys surviving on the street in such conditions.
The “secret” to cold is: once you get below freezing, all the moisture has dropped out of the air, so it doesn’t feel as bone-chillingly cold as you might think. I spent a whole day outside in Edmonton, about -15C, in with not much more clothes than I wear in Dublin. That night there was a blizzard and temps dropped to -30, which was a whole ‘nother matter, and I did NOT go out in that. I’m not THAT mental.
February 1st, 2008 @ 9:51 am
It plays fuck with your nuts.
February 1st, 2008 @ 9:56 am
the climate in Ireland is ideal for drinking pints of guinness, fact. If you were in a spot where you could wear your fancy string vest all day , the chances are you’d be drinking halves of lager or TK shandy ,get a grip man, this summer will be lovely.,
February 1st, 2008 @ 10:01 am
Sure you’re a writer, you can go live anywhere in the world now and write. Just keep the address in Dublin like for the auld tax benefits.
February 1st, 2008 @ 10:13 am
If you gave me a choice between being hanging around in a pair of shorts and a Rab C Nesbitt vest, sweating the whole day long, and sitting somewhere with many layers on chattering and with freezing fingers then I’ll choose the shorts and sweat every day of the week.
The afterlife should hold no fear for you then Twenty!
February 1st, 2008 @ 10:15 am
I prefer the Winter meself, as me and Lady Balls are big fans of generating heat through mutual body-friction.
Unlike the Summertime, when all I ever hear out her is “Get away from me you stinky bollix”
February 1st, 2008 @ 10:16 am
ah sure, doesn’t it do you good to get out in a bit of clean, crisp air?
February 1st, 2008 @ 10:21 am
You want to try living in Scotland, it pisses down all year and then about February/March you get about two feet of snow. The worst of it is when it does snow we all go to work/school and function normally. When I lived in the South of England the whole place shut down when an inch of snow fell. It was a great excuse not to go to work.
I worked in Chicago for a while and it was weird, Winter was snowy and fucking freezing (-18) and in summer people were dying of heat stroke. You needed to get appropriate clothing for the seasons, at least in Ireland all you need is a pair of jeans, a tee shirt and a sweater. Sorted for the whole year.
February 1st, 2008 @ 10:25 am
jaysus man everyday here is 32 …never changes ..
I look forward to going back to Ireland’s during the winter to feel a bit of the auld cold whip me bones.
Somehow I think its better drinking in cold weather…coz usually the body warms up after a couple of pints .
Also its good to see the chicks in winter fashion …
February 1st, 2008 @ 10:48 am
I prefer the cold.
Sticky sweat and lobster heads just don’t appeal to me at all. I’d much rather be in a situation where you can put on another jumper and warm up rather than having to strip down to me g-string and tassles in order to cool down.
February 1st, 2008 @ 10:51 am
All those that have spoken out in favour of the cold thus far, are surely gingers.
Ireland is an awful place. No earthquakes, volcanoes, the occasional crappy “hurricane”. And as a result we have an abundance of imbeciles, who if they lived anywhere else, would surely perish in some ridiculously stupid manner.
Shitty coke, country roads and pan fires just don’t kill enough dopes.
February 1st, 2008 @ 11:27 am
I’ve never been to a really cold country but I’ve heard people say things like ‘it was -10 but it didn’t feel like it, its not like the cold here’. What the fuck is that all about? Must be what brian t was talking about in comment 1.
Its the fucking wind here that I really hate. It was 6 degrees yesterday but felt absolutely fucking freezing.
February 1st, 2008 @ 11:36 am
I was walking down aungier St myself last night. It wasn’t that cold but then I’m not a great big fucking benny like you are, Twenty.
February 1st, 2008 @ 11:43 am
Benny on the loose.
February 1st, 2008 @ 12:21 pm
yeah i was in Slovakia skiing in a blizzard at -30, a few slovakians died in it.
But me and the rest of the Irish gang thought it was hilarious. I was wearing fairly baggy pants at the time (being a fashionable sort of ape) and they froze into a shape, but it actually wasn’t that cold.
It’s cos Ireland is so wet and windy that it gets right to your bones.
Anyway , when you can’t have fires when its warm.
And nothing beats being in front of an open fire in a pub when its freezing outside with a pint in your hand.
You’re just another soft Dub Twenty.
February 1st, 2008 @ 12:35 pm
I’m humbled. After moaning about the heat and awful humidity here in Western Australia, I read your column and think. shut yer trap Sheelagh, keep the air con on 18c and remember the annual childblains and bronchitis every Winter during your miserable Dublin childhood. It’s easy to forget the long winters when we’re sitting on our verandas, reeking of Aerogard and trying to keep the flies off the snags. I’m with you Twenty. shorts, singlet and beer in hand is far preferable. Come on down, the economy is booming and they love the Irish over here:)
February 1st, 2008 @ 12:42 pm
It’s not easy be funny about the cold, so if you want to see that I suggest you pick up a copy of Tom Humphries’ “Booked”. There’s an article in there about the freezing temperatures of the various GAA ground in Ireland.
February 1st, 2008 @ 12:47 pm
Hmmph. You can talk the talk Twenty
February 1st, 2008 @ 12:56 pm
>>And nothing beats being in front of an open fire in a >>pub when its freezing outside with a pint in your hand.
very very true morger spot on .
I tell yee you dont know what you have until its taken away
February 1st, 2008 @ 1:30 pm
Like the Coen brothers said……. It’s No Country For Cold Men.
February 1st, 2008 @ 2:12 pm
You wear gloves, Twenty? How very gay!
February 1st, 2008 @ 2:16 pm
mincing down O’Connell streets in his gloves while twirling his umbrella.
hahahahaaha
February 1st, 2008 @ 2:34 pm
Leave Twenty alone. Hes a very sensitive soul. You know …like a GIRL.
February 1st, 2008 @ 3:10 pm
It was a balmy -34 here the other day. I’d definately take Dublin winters over this shite. But at least the spring and summers are great here, better than the 2 weeks you might or might not get in Ireland.
February 1st, 2008 @ 3:23 pm
-34? Jesus.
February 1st, 2008 @ 3:27 pm
“Like the Coen brothers said……. It’s No Country For Cold Men.”
I think you’ll find it was Cormac McCarthy who said it…
February 1st, 2008 @ 4:29 pm
Don’t be so pedantic, book worm – one should never let the truth get in the way of a good story. Who cares who said it, maybe they both did.
February 1st, 2008 @ 5:06 pm
Ye haven’t roughed it Twenty.
See now this is where the hobos are a bit clever, a good quality newspaper around the chest and under the coat keeps out the cold!
February 1st, 2008 @ 5:18 pm
Jesus twenty, ya didn’t get much sympathy on that one
February 1st, 2008 @ 5:34 pm
That’s because the cold has turned them into cuntbags. Especially Johnny5.
And every man should wear gloves in the cold. It keeps my hands doing-the-dishes soft.
February 1st, 2008 @ 5:35 pm
I should clarify – Johnny5 was quite clearly a cuntbag from birth, the cold had nothing to do with it.
February 1st, 2008 @ 5:39 pm
I was going to point out that J5 was a cuntbag during the summer, but you spoiled it for me.
Wearing gloves is cool – no fingerprints.
February 1st, 2008 @ 6:11 pm
Cold is cutting a hole in the thick ice on a frozen lake and then jumping in. You’ll be so fucked up, that you won’t even feel the water on your second go.
Or, maybe the whole concept was fucked up from the start. My balls never really descended again to their proper hanging height…
February 1st, 2008 @ 6:35 pm
In the first world, in summer, one leaves ones air conditioned house, gets into ones air con auto, drives to the air con saloon or store, buys what is needed and goes home again the same way. In winter we go from heated house to heated car to heated saloon or store and back again the same way. It’s the only way to live. Fuck nature, it sucks! And don’t complain about rain until you have to shovel the shit.
February 1st, 2008 @ 9:04 pm
I live in Canada and you are right – the cold is shit. I hate it. And -25 in Edmonton is not the same as -15 near the Lakes. Edmonton is dry. Here it is damp and as you know from Ireland (been to Belfast a couple times) damp cold is way way worse – goes right through you. I’ve spoken to many people who have lived in both and they all say it is worse here. I too would rather be somewhere roasting hot with a cold one.
February 1st, 2008 @ 9:46 pm
I lived in Dublin for 2 years, and a lot of the people I lived with had the attitude of:
“Oh it always rains here…it’s terrible, it’s so cold….oh but when it’s Summer, I don’t like the heat” etc etc.
Then they’d start complaining whenever the temperature got above 15 degrees. I could NEVER understand it.
February 2nd, 2008 @ 3:12 am
Aye, yis can all go on about how great the heat is ‘an all that but, here, have yis ever tried eating a bag of chips in fucking 35C in Sicily? – fuck that.
One good thing about Ireland, yeah, the weathers a fucking shitwipe, but cold weather = great fucking chippers, (and they all have salt and vinegar. Mayonaise on chips?, fucking barbarians).
February 2nd, 2008 @ 10:06 am
I am a cuntbag and no mistake, I’m not gay enough to allow the weather have an effect on my cuntbagishness.
Gloves and scarves? I’ve been out walking Sheriff St in my puma wife beater top and matching cycling shorts.
February 2nd, 2008 @ 10:07 am
I bet you have nipples like bullets.
February 2nd, 2008 @ 11:31 am
I am in a permanent state of arousal because I find myself extremely sexy so again the weather has little bearing on the state of my nipples.