You couldn’t make-up it up
A woman called to my door today.
“Hello”, I said.
“Hello”, she said. “How are you today?”
“I’m fine”, I said, “and you?”
“Very good. I’m here today to tell you about the new range of cosmetics from Mac.”
“Apple are making cosmetics now?”
“Oh you, you joker. But seriously, they have a new range out full of all kinds of stuff which is cosmetically fantastic.”
“That’s good. Would you mind if I asked you a question?”
“Go ahead.”
“Do I look like the kind of person who uses a lot of make-up?”
“Well…”
“Do you think a fantastic new rouge would give my beard a healthy glow?”
“Erm…”
“Could a tinted foundation of some kind bring out the subtle tones in the bags under my eyes?”
“Uhm…”
“Might I be the kind of man who wants his full lashes curled and long-lasting?”
“…”
“I’m very sorry, but I’m really not in the market for any cosmetics.”
And not a word of a fucking lie her face fell and her shoulders slumped. Like she honestly thought she might still be able to make a sale from her suitcase full of face-crayons and powder boxes.
I don’t mind someone chancing their arm trying to sell me something I don’t need. Let’s face it, most of us buy stuff we don’t need all the time but this was just ridiculous.
And staying with the cosmetics theme I see Beaut.ie (where I go for all my make-up tips! I’m joking, I don’t need tips. I know how to apply. The headline just caught my eye on Irishblogs, honest.) are giving away colonics (Dirty Dave has already entered. He reckons there must be at least three stone of impacted shite stuck to his inner-tubes).
Now, I’ve heard of blogs taking the piss out of their readers but fair play to the girls for going that extra mile.
January 30th, 2008 at 12:12 am
Can you keep the slurry that comes out as a momento?
January 30th, 2008 at 12:35 am
Jayzus Twenty!! The wee lassies in Beaut will love you for that. If I were you, I’d leave Bastardface loose in the house tonight. Just in case….
January 30th, 2008 at 12:41 am
could do something similar to beaut.ie. an absolut colonic – prize is a broken vodka bottle shoved up the hole of the person who annoys ron most. dave would be automatically entered in this one.
January 30th, 2008 at 1:04 am
When I ponder the many bizarre and self-hurting things women do to themselves in the name of vanity and self-image, having a hosepipe shoved up your jaxie and water pumped into your arse to flush out impacted faeces has got to be up there with the best (by which I mean worst) of them.
Only rehymenisation runs it close.
January 30th, 2008 at 1:10 am
JC Skinner, I don’t know about Ireland but in California men go for colonics too. It’s a booming industry. A booming, gurgling industry.
January 30th, 2008 at 1:28 am
I put that down to the feminisation of American men. Or the stupidity of Americans in general.
Hey, you hum the crass generalisation and I’ll sing it!
January 30th, 2008 at 1:44 am
[...] kills the dreams of another one of those idiot door to door pedlers. Good. One less in the wilderness, I [...]
January 30th, 2008 at 3:20 am
I hate it when people put links to their blogs in other peoples blogs, but I have been thinking about a recent post on this site all day, and have a bit to say on it, so if your interested click my name, if your not dont.
SAm Crea, on the racism thing.
January 30th, 2008 at 5:44 am
Hmmm you could be taking the auld lad a bit too seriously … I think he was banning that other guy coz of a previous history of bolix he was submitting
this one broke the majors back
im sure once he recovers from this mornings handover hell let us know .
January 30th, 2008 at 5:47 am
Re: Mac …I think twenty you got on there known list of metrosexuals … you dont subscribe to arena or any of those pink shirt advocating publications do ya ?
January 30th, 2008 at 8:01 am
I always figured that the people who pester you door-to-door should save time by pitching several products together. For example, you could have someone selling you cosmetics AND bibles at the same time. These would of course be called (wait for it)
Jojoba’s Witnesses
January 30th, 2008 at 8:11 am
rehymenisation
What?
Lung – heh
January 30th, 2008 at 8:16 am
. I think he was banning that other guy coz of a previous history of bolix he was submitting
this one broke the majors back
Aye, he’s a fucking wind-up merchant and I was tired of him. And he’s not banned. Just that any comment he submits from now on will be held in a queue and pored over by solicitors, lawyers, barristers and barbers before it gets approved.
January 30th, 2008 at 8:44 am
more like ‘blogs taking the logs’
January 30th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Barbers like Mr Benjamin Barker? Oh what a gore fest we might have yet!
Lung — Jojoba’s Witnesses? Teehehehehe. Very nicely conjured, and moreso given the hour!
January 30th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Rehymenisation. An operation to replace the hymen, popular among Californian women apparently.
January 30th, 2008 at 9:41 am
No. Why?
January 30th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Hoping, just hoping.
You couldn’t make-up it up
January 30th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Spread the word, the Rice child is nominated for a Meteor music award, so to ensure he doesn’t win one and that his profile remains as low as possible, please vote for someone else at :
http://meteormusicawards.meteor.ie/index.aspx
January 30th, 2008 at 9:56 am
I live in a middle floor apartment. I’ve got neightbours above and below me.
Every night we come home and find some leaflets on the map. All for different things. So far my favourites have been trying to convince us to get a conservatory, and a loft extention. I’m not making this up.
Doens’t the person who’s delivering these leaflets think “You know, I might just skip the apartments for this one…”
January 30th, 2008 at 10:08 am
But Bible John, have you not seen 3 Men and a Little Lady?
January 30th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Twenty, surely you use a little moisturiser – you don’t want to be getting horny devil feet, do ya?
January 30th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Ten pints of the black stuff is a fine colonic irrigation!
January 30th, 2008 at 10:52 am
The enema of my enemy is my friend.
January 30th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Hilarious post.
Bible John’s comment (No 20 above) reminds me how years ago, a bank actually lent money for an extension (an actual room) to an apartment in Dublin and only became concerned when the loan defaulted.
On Twenty’s post here, I also had an “Avon Lady” call to my door a few months ago. Young 20-something with a kit bag. She proceeded to tell me she was selling make-up and wondered if my wife would be interested. ‘I don’t have a wife’, I added, which she took to mean I lived with my girlfriend. Tired of her assumption that heterosexuals were in residence, I then added my boyfriend plays rugby and doesn’t usually wear make-up.
She actually stopped talking, and I realised the idea of “gay couple” had never crossed her mind. I was pretty offended, she never asked if I used moisturizer of anything… didn’t I look the type?
January 30th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Why, 20? Because some women are very mental, basically. It happens in Britain too:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=494118&in_page_id=1770&in_a_source
But in the UK, it’s primarily young Muslim women who want to appear virginal on the wedding night.
The Californians? God only knows why they do it.
January 30th, 2008 at 11:46 am
You could off bought that cheapo cheapo and it would have done you when you are rich and famous, particularly for appearing on the Late Late.
How on earth could anybody get a colonic, the sheer humilation would be enough to turn anybody off.
January 30th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I got a colonic done before ..There was a chick there and when she put the hose pipe up me jacky I got a boner ..I excused myself and she said it happenes to all guys.
I also read in rory stewarts prince of the marshes..(excellent book by the way)that the british army tells there soldiers in iraq if they get kidnapped first thing the iraqi’s will probaly do is rape you. the fact that everyone whos raped gets a boner does not mean there gay.. seems like this is one thing that deeply effect the soldiers when there eventually freed.
just saying like …
January 30th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Jc, and buying penile enlargement gadgets isn’t just as idiotic? Some people are just stupid, end of.
January 30th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Has JC bought penile enlargement gadgets?
Tells us more FMC
January 30th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Not that I know of Peadar, not that I know of.
January 30th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
I know I was complaining about links in comments and then making them etc. But should active links to the Dailymail website actually be allowed?? I nearly clicked it, and this is just a new hard drive…
January 30th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Twenty I make my living trying to sell things to people that they dont need. We use all sorts of methods like the better life story, the better image story but trying to sell Mac Cosmetics to a beardy cunt is a first. Now if it was Bio Term from Lancome or even Clarins eye cream I could undertsand but MAC. By the way apart form La Mer its one of the most expensive out there.
January 30th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Its weird how in Pakistan and Iran etc they are fiercely anti-gay, but their religous miltants are always raping men.
hmmm going a bit off topic there.
I’m afraid I don’t have any amusing anecdotes of people trying to sell me things, maybe the blood encrusted machete in my hand, and the wild look in my eyes puts them off.
January 30th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Hmmm … up in that part of the world particular in Afghanistan there seems to be a lot of it ..shure wasnt the telaban started coz some warload wanted to ride some young lad … also its well know in Kandahar that a lot of the telaban were wearing makeup and maskara and going around in high heels (im not making this shit up its in books on the place and also probably on the internet)
just a quick google hits
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,44067,00.html
but yes your right we are going off topic .. (apart from the maskara on the talaban)
sorry lads …
January 30th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
I once bought a big issue of a smelly looking eejit with wangly hair so I did
January 30th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
I used to live in Vichy, France. There’s a booming colonic-irrigation business bang in the centre of the town, built around one of the three local mineral water sources.
Despite the fact that the town’s population consists of predominantly elderly retired people, I have to admit that they did seem to have a ’spring’ in their step. So I’d say it works.
January 30th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Twenty is no fun if i can not wind you up
so i am sad to say iam fucking off from your blog
good bye
you big wanker
lots of love johnny rotten
xxxx
January 30th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
p.s lick my balls
January 30th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
In fairness if you spent two minutes reading the pink dripping muck on Beaut you’d need a bloody colonic.
January 30th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Does anyone buy penis enlargement devices with the intent of using them, FMC? Anywhere? Ever?
I always assumed they were novelty items given to drunk grooms at stag nights.
And in the unlikely event that they do, would you not agree that utilising a prick pump is silliness of a much lower degree of magnitude than having major surgery on your bits to have a balloon full of blood implanted, so as to fake being a virgin?
January 30th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
I’ve never come across anyone who bought a penis pump, but then again it’s not really the sort of thing you’d advertise.
I know a guy who rang a sex chat line, but only cos he was drunk and he’s in the marines.
January 30th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
JC Not if it is a matter of life and death or scalding social ostracism as it is for many Muslim women. Other than that I have no idea why people would put themselves through that.
January 30th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
virgins are over rated
January 30th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
That’s it, I’m gonna get one.
January 30th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Breaking news….
That gimp-handed cunt Jeremy Beadle has just died.
Anybody sorry??
Didn’t think so.
Bald Devil loves you all.
January 30th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
JC I don’t know why some women worry about the lengths lips of their labia lips, I don’t know why some women cut open their chests and stick silicone in there. I don’t know why men get hair plugs, I don’t now why Kriss Kristofferson can no longer blink. I don’t know why Joan Rivers looks like she is permanently in a wind tunnel, I really don’t’ now what happened to Sly Stallone and on that note I don’t know men pump themselves full of steroids.
LIke I said, people do stupid things. Male and female alike. I”m pretty sure as Sam said the ‘make me a virgin’ is due mostly to cultural, tribal and religious reasons.
January 31st, 2008 at 1:08 am
FMC, for sure people of all genders do some really stupid stuff.
But only women rehymenise, because only women can. This doesn’t mean men don’t do stupid stuff. Just not this stupid stuff.
I believe I already pointed out the reason why British muslim women undergo this pointless and horrific operation. Doesn’t legitimatise it in my eyes, but it’s potentially comprehensible.
But as I already said, God only knows why women in California have popularised this procedure. And she’s baffled too.
January 31st, 2008 at 11:38 am
Only a certain type of woman rehymenises through choice, JC and that’s for sure.
January 31st, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Mac eh? Given a makeover I was given by a gentleman working for Mac at a forever-to-be-denied press engagement, I can tell you Twenty, that you are indeed a target customer of theirs. Guy had more mascara on than me and I am a well known mascara whore. Scary. Very very scary.
February 1st, 2008 at 12:24 am
Couldn’t you have invited her to give you a ride? Are your standards rising?
February 1st, 2008 at 1:20 pm
@ feynman
“In February 1998 three men sentenced to death for sodomy in Kandahar were taken to the base of a huge mud and brick wall, which was pushed over by tank. Two of them died, but one managed to survive. ”
Fucking typical inept Taliban, why not just run them over with the tank? Would have got all three and saved the back wall of the only shitter in town, === Result!!
Grimy