MURDERS UP 25%!!
MURDERS BY STABBINGS UP 100%!!
ATTEMPTED MURDERS UP 61%!!
It seems we’re now a society that has lost the art of conversation. A small dispute in a bar is no longer a battle of wits or verbosity, it’s a good old fashioned knife fight.
And most of the time it’s not a fight. It’s just one bloke with a knife. Or a sword. Or cutlass. Or sabre. Or scimitar. Lots of people have been down the road of complaining about knives and how these days it’s not safe to challenge anyone over anything. You just don’t know who’s carrying what.
It’s not an entirely new phenomenon though. I knew lads when I was a younger, more flexible man who carried around Stanley knives and carpet slicers or whatever the fuck those things are called. Now, to be fair, they rarely used them. Apart from Sean Thingymajig, can’t remember his last name, but he was mental. One day sitting around somewhere, could have been in school even, he took out his knife and stabbed another lad through the back of his hand and into the desk.
We laughed because we didn’t like the lad who’d been stabbed but underneath it all we knew that wasn’t acceptable. I’m lying. We just laughed.
But it was the exception rather than the rule. Nowadays every cunt has a knife. And it’s all well and good saying that anyone caught with a knife should be throw in jail for a while. That’s not realistic though, is it? Firstly because it’s impossible to tell if someone is carrying a knife. They’re so slim and handy to fit inside your pocket that it’s hardly obvious. Secondly because in this country you can strangle a pre-pubescent boy to death, hide the body, then join in the search and still only get a couple of years.
Based on that how much time do you do for just carrying a knife?
“You’re nicked, son. Straight to jail with you. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 … and out you go. I hope this has taught you a valuable lesson.”
And it’s impossible to regulate the sale of knives. You can make sure it’s only over 18s that can buy ornamental daggers and such, but it’s good kitchen ware that’s the most effective. I remember buying a proper chef’s knife and the first time I used it I was fileting some meat and the thing was so sharp it went flying through the piece of cow and sliced my thumb (right through the thumbnail too) right open. I don’t think I’ve ever bled so much, even when I was a woman for a day and had a lifetime’s worth of periods in two hours.
So what’s the answer? Well, there’s the Crocodile Dundee option. “That’s not a knife, this is a knife!”, we’ll all say as we draw massive rapiers from down our backs. Until someone gets smarter and choose the Indiana Jones method, which means when someone draws a sword on you they get shot right in the heart with a Colt 45.
So that’s it. How do you get rid of the threat of knives? More guns. Simple.
ahh yes, takes me back to Stockwell, 1989….the night wasn’t complete without some poor bastard being shivved. Still, the cunts usually deserved it.
cnut is trying to give us the impression of living ou the wild side talking about knife crime in Stockwell in 1989, I live in Clapham South and have been drinking in pubs in around Stockwell since the the late seventies there was very little knife crime there in 1989, some muggings, a few p**** shops beeing robed by the local C****, I think cnut was cowering in a bedsit listening to hear say or creeping about muttering under his breath about how bad things were.
Spoken like a true parent of today. Don’t forget to share that wonderful insight with your kids. Don’t want ‘em growing up soft now, do we?
If everyone started wearing chainmail then there wouldn’t be a problem.
I for one would be up for that.
Is there a problem with posting
Twenty the problem is that young people are bored.
In the good old days of the Balrog and Tutha De Dannan young people had battles to be fought, then we had Fionn and Na Fianna , then the Vikings , the Anglo Saxons and finally the English to keep us busy.
Now we have nothing and so we need to quench our thirst for battle by conversation in the pub, this worked for a while but with the invention of Alco pops and redbull and vodka people don’t get lethargic like in the days of just Guinness or harp and soa good Blood fight is required.
What we need is to pick a small country we don’t like and start a war with them, then we ca have less violence at home.
I suggest Wales or Luxemburg
Are you on speed this morning, MacD?
I like the Luxembourg idea though.
Ahh, I see what happened. Some of your comments go spammed for some reason. Carry on.
exactly MacDara, this is probably the most peaceful era Ireland has known since it was inhabited by people.
No wonder people are spoiling for a scrap.
I’m reading “Wars of the Irish Kings”, which is has lots of interesting stuff.
Like knights of the Fianna beheading Greek kings and so on.
Cuchulainn was quite the freak too, the nordy bastard.
Apparently his lower legs would twist around backwards when he got into a battle frenzy.
When I was younger I’d carry a bicycle chain with a combination lock, I’d thread it through my belt loop and into my pocket leaving just the lock part sticking out. I could hold onto that and draw the chain like a sword to whip someone doon, fuck yer knife. I love guns but then you get morons with no training who go into schools and spoil it all for the rest of us.
Mongor Excatly its too peaceful, the crime rate here in Lebanon is virtually 0% and its bacause everyone is busy actually fighting. We should pick that fight , Two votes so far for Luxemburg , they are small, have no navy and speak french I can’t see a down side .
hmmm, luxembourg is a bit dodgy, it’s too far away and surrounded by large countries, I’d vote for attacking a small island.
Sort of like the Falklands.
Fuck it, lets invade the Falklands.
Hmmm …no crime here in Singapore but then again they have the cane here …. I always see the odd article in the newspaper , like for thieving maybe 20 euro some guy would get a 5 year sentence and 15 strokes of the rattan cane..
christ what I wouldnt give to have the job of the lad who canes people, id fuckin hop off every cunt put in front of me ..and thats when id be in a good mood
like this lad here
http://www.pathguy.com/lectures/caning.jpg
So that’s it. How do you get rid of the threat of knives? More guns. Simple.
PURE GOLD!
maybe we should beat Luxembourg at football before we start a war with them, bunch of fuckin well hard econtinentals I imagine.
I’m trying to work it out… are you for guns with bayonets? And do you remember the great Chinese machete melee in Abbey Street? There was a bit of a fuss after that too.
Oooh, bayonets are cool.
“They dont like it up ‘em, Capt Mainwaring”.
And we all know who he was talking about.
I don’t.
Look it up.
And while I am at it, I am not Proud Englishman for your information.
Dad’s Army? or the first commander of the Garwhal Rifles of India?
Simple posession of a knife is hardly worthy of bering a crime. I have a folding knife, I use it for odds and ends when I am doing DIY about the place, sometimes to tighten the screw that holds the arm of my galsses in place because I can’t find a screwdriver (which could also be used to perforate someone). Ban Tools in general! I actually accidentally went through security in Dublin airport with my knife once. It wasn’t until I was returning from Frankfurt that the nice German security chap pointed out it’s presence. I rang Dublin Airport to inform them of this slip-up. I’m not sure I was taken seriously, they thanked me in light of the impending visit by President Bush ?
Well check out the big brain on Brad..
He (Private Jones)was talking about a specific group of people though. Ahh, the innocent fun of it all.
Grandad we love you..Tum-te-tum.
Kill all skangers. Problem solved.
The government should put a bounty on the heads of skangers.
I’m up for giving the Singapore thing a go for a year and see how we get on. Stabby little scummers could be flogged on Parnell Square or somewhere and slagged off by their mates. Better craic than string quartets in the Hugh Lane of a Sunday.
They should be forced to work on chain-gang type of thing as there seems to be no facility to incarcerate them. They should be provided with an egg-cup of bleach and a toothbrush and made scrub all the countrys buildings for eight hours a day over three shifts. All the while wearing those cartoon prision suits with the arrows on them. You know the sort of thing. Imagine how clean and fresh smelling the country would be in no time at all! After that was finished, they could start on the roads ect..
Slavery’s too good for them.
BURNINGS TO GOOD FOR THEM.
FOAM FROTH GASP CHOKE WHISTLE.
I think the government should have a ‘Mentalists Stay Home’ Campaign
We’ve had quite a few machete-to-the-skull attacks this year in Toronto. How the hell do you conceal that walking down the street?
Also, all the menses of a lifetime in two hours?
Quality, Twenty.
I pictured a folded mattress for your sanitary needs.
Nobody ever talks about the menace of chisels on today’s streets.
Or blunt objects. Where’s the outcry about people openly carrying non-pointy, unsharpened heavy items, like perhaps Ambrosia Cream Rice tins or large print library books?
There was a Tales Of The Unexpected once where a woman killed her husband with a frozen leg of lamb and then fed it to the police as they investigated the next day.
An umbrella with a sharpened tip is yer only man. Grand for keeping the blood splatters offa ye!
Never bring a knife to a gun fight. You finish last.
Get Fucked Alfie. You’re trying to give the inpression you were old enough to drink in the ’70s, when you are obviously either repeating your Inter Cert or an illiterate mong, who wouldn’t be served in any pub anyway. Discrimination is a terrible thing.
Although, to be fair, I did creep around muttering quite a bit. Lurked a bit, too.
Impression
You may not be Proud Englishman, but your still a clown Baldy
cnut, what the fuck is Inter Cert is that what your father (the one think is your uncle) gave your mother and your’e the result of the spawning.
Secondly because in this country you can strangle a pre-pubescent boy to death, hide the body, then join in the search and still only get a couple of years.
yesterday it was gypsy babies
Is this the Sun, The Star, The Daily Mail or twentymajor…sometimes it’s difficult to know.
Alfie, apostrophes – if you don’t know where they go – don’t use them, you illiterate little wankstain.