“Here, I was reading your blog last night”, said Dirty Dave.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I’ve got one for your celebrity names thing.”
“Go on then.”
“Ron the Carman – he’ll look after your automobile!”
“Erm…”
“Timmy the Bollix – the Famous Five dog is a bit of a hard bastard!”
“Uhm…”
“Stinking Pepe – smelly French barfly!”
“Guh…”
“Dirty Cave – with one letter I become Oprah’s anal passage!”
“That’s enough now.”
“Splodgi – birthmarked bloke becomes famous Dingle dolphin.”
“That doesn’t even work, you twat.”
“Mucky Luciano – mud covered compassionate assassin!”
“That one’s not bad.”
“Twenty Manor – chain smoking, Guinness drinking, white-beared country estate!”
“Capital work. But really, that’s enough.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right, I’d best head off anyway. I’ve rented a DVD to watch.”
“Oh yeah? What did you get?”
“That one about the yiddish speaking shark.”
“Eh?”
“Jews!
Starring Kike Myers?
heh
I did go the cinema this weekend to see that one about the aged farmyard bird who’s finding life difficult to understand.
I heartily recommend ‘No country for old hen’.
Brilliant! Another day of it. I’ll be back later. Need some sleep first.
Did you see the one about the bloke who rode around on a horse, knocking lumps out of people? Jockey, I think it was called.
Go to bed.
You’re after start me off now. How can I possibly sleep?
I can ring Heath Ledger’s agent for you, see if he has any tips.
too soon twenty, too soon
You’re right. I have a lady calling in about half an hour, as soon as she gets her kids locked up in school. I’ll take a break.
Can I just say that yesterdays frolics were fucking hilarious. Except for Porridge’s efforts. He’s a fucking moron.
Twenty, if we’re gonna be doing films today I think you should relax the rules a little.
No, on second thoughts, let’s just continue yesterdays. There’s still millions more of them.
Was that Ledger fellow not in the cowboy film about sore bottoms?
Blaming Saddles.
I have to admit I’m finding this one very difficult. I don’t go to the cinema very often. I think the last one I saw was the one about Will Smith’s ankle, I Am Leg End
I went to see a great movie about a Jewish cowboy. Billy the Yid.
Or the one starring Gary Glitter, where he conducts an affair with a 10 year old over the internet, “You’ve Got Jail”
Or the secret agent with eight penises, “Octopissy”
Di went down.. Dodi’s last blow job in the back of a merc.
Polterheist – invisible ghosts pull off the bank robbery of a lifetime.
Last Mango in Paris – same film, just a bit more fruity
Bootsie – Funk legend pretends to be women to get on TV
Lard of the Rings – hobbit on hobbit, greased up anal action
Apaarently Woody Allen has brought out a documentary about foot fetishes.
Everything you ever wanted to know about sox but were afraid to ask.
Hamster-faced psycho goes on killing spree in the woods – Forrest Mump
Glen Hansard stars in musical about former Man United star – Ince
Staying with the Jewish theme, the dark tale of of a miscarriage of justice on the West Bank.
Who framed Roger Rabbi
Mentl – a film about Barbara Streisand being considered sexy
Woodfellas – Italian American Carpenters run black market furniture racket
The underwater voyeur – The Peep
Here she comes, see y’all later
A film about teenage Internet addiction: Porn Free
The sad story of the speech impediment that proved oh so costly.
Schindlers Lisp
Alien Lifefrom develops Unix based software application to send himself home in I.T
Maxi Driver – Robert de Niro’s daily struggle to get RTE presenter to Montrose by 6 am
Little Miss Sunshite – family trails around in camper van to bring cute kid to the national pooing championships
Star Wart – follow Luke Skywalker’s exploits as he attempts to remove a hideous growth from his foot
The Lives of Otters – Stasi spy on riverbank during Cold War
Jurassic Pork – documentary on how old Denny’s meat products are
The Mirror has two Faeces – Barbara Streisand tries to save her shitty marriage.
Dumbfuck Mountian-two assholes, one condom.
Boldfinger – Bond pleasures his own anus.
Poor old Livingstone, lost for all those years in the jungle…
wait for it…
Desperately seeking Sudan
PS I Killed You – Michelle Williams getting her own back on Heath Ledger at his bedside
Four Weldings and a Funeral – initial success at the iron works is followed by tragedy
Doctor So – bond film with nonchalant villian
Some people are just completely stupid really.
Lord of the fries – Load of kids battle it out on an island to see who can cook the best full Irish breakfast.
Some people aren’t getting it – you can only change 1 LETTER in the title. Not whole words. Cheating bastards.
Austin Towers – Groovy secret agent lives in Ballymun
Oh right sorry – must have missed the rules.. Fuking Dillweed
The Hand that Focks The Cradle – Paedo D4 head goes crazy on local kids?
Ah?
That’s better!
Cook who’s Talkin – Deep fried Talking children
Finding Demo-Eminem a young white rapper from Detroit teams up with Nemo to crack the record industry.
Sarah, you’re shit at this.
The most uncomfortable night of all.
Sleeping with the enema.
Saving Pirate Ryan
Expedition to rescue ancient Irish sailor who robs english fleet
Resident Evel – Stunt biker turns zombie killer
Al Pacino sticks out his tongue to frighten young children children in ‘Scaryface’.
In the Name of the Lather – Dad & son suds each other up in the slammer
Moulin Gouge – Nicole Kidman scratches out Ewen McGregor’s eyes after his terrible singing becomes too much to bear
Romeo and Julien – A modern take an old classic
White men cunt jump – Woody Harrelson tries S&M.
He Got Lame – Ex Basket-Ball player develops rare leg eating disease
Pulp Diction – Jarvis Cocker and Co take elocution lessons.
Resevoir Logs – The journey of one mans poo from bog to treatment plant
Wig – Tom Hanks asks for full head of hair
Jig – Tom Hanks asks to be Michael Flately
Cig – Tom Hanks asks to smoke
Dig – Tom Hanks asks to have sex with Princess Diana
Pig – Tom Hanks asks to have sex with Geri Halliwell
Bin City – Dublin gets whacked
10 Things I Hate About Poo – Heath Ledger collects 10 dumps trying to detail his hatrid of it but dies from a lethal strain of E. Coli!
Oh yeah the 1 letter thing… Couldnt resist though
Rush Pour – Jackie Chan spills the milk.
Into the Vest – Two itinerant kids try to master the authentic “Rab C Nesbitt” look
Battlestan Galactica – can the universe be saved from the evil Staunton?
Resevoir Digs. Student Accomodation just got interesting
Star Wars II: Attack of the Cloves. What IS that fucking smell?
Cocky – Big headed bloke gets his comeuppance to stomping beats of Eye of the Tiger
Picnic at Hanging Cock – actually should have left that one for Johnny5
Last Temptation of Chrisp – the one with the burnt at the stake ending
The Beer Hunter – Bobby DeNiro goes inn search of the Nearest liquor store.
Silence of the Lamps.
A fist full of Collars.- Brutal Western where priests are rounded up and flogged.
Shindler’s lisp- He thaved the jews the only way he knew how.
Jurassic Pork- vicious pre historic monster pigs flee Pink.
Top-gut- fat pilots make people ill during volley ball scene.
Gone with the Wine. Rhetts Left and this time hes Shitfaced
SS I Love You – Taoiseach’s daughter develops Nazi fixation
Michael douglas wines and dines assorted baked goods in….Romancing the scone
What about Job – Life on the dole
Dressing gowns from different sides of the tracks battle it out in War of the Robes
Inforgiven – plenty of other teams fancy signing the Newcastle and Ireland keeper.
Married to the Bob – Michelle Pfeiffer wishes it was the mafia instead when she finds herself hitched to the former lead singer of the Boomtown Rats
Jeebus help me, not again….
Dye Hard – Bruce Willis goes platinum blond, but with some difficulty
Scabface – Tony Montana’s coldsore causes him to go crazy
Light Club – Protaganist and his alter ego set up underground step aerobics club
There’s Something about Gary – the Glitter band become concerned when Gary asks to tour schools.
The Fucket List – Two terminally ill cancer patients make a list of things they don’t give a shit about.
Aussie Wildlife expert meets a grizzly end in…
That’ll Be The Ray
Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder take the piss in
Silverstream
Young Drankenstein – Alcoholic monster caper
Nuns on the hun – Steamey thriller sees Dr Ian Paisley deflower some very naughty nuns
Citizen Sane
the rise and fall of a mentalist newspaper publisher who’s wealth and power drive him completely normal
Rang ‘em High – Clint Eastwood gets revenge by making prank phonecalls while getting stoned
Wee no Evil, hear no evil – Richard Pryor struggles with dysentry(sp?)
The Wife of Brian – she’s a very naughty boy!
Documentary on the whereabouts of the various Kennedy roadkill victims…
In Golden Pond
Womb Raider – Angelina Jolie stars in this action packed abortion thriller
The Thong – science expedition in the artic uncover extra-terestial underwear.
Leaping Las Vegas – suicidal man decides to jump Las Vegas
Apocalypse How – American think tank on middle east.
Glade Runner
Watch Deckard eliminate rogue replicants with only his air-freshener
Allen – Ripley and her crew encounter a strange life form while on a an expedition in outer space, in the form of celebrity chef Darina Allen
Exercises for limbo dancers.
Pilates of the Carribean
Yobimbo
Jordan disembowels peter andre with samurai sword?
Now I’d fuckin pay to see that
The lost of the Mohicans – weird haircutted Indian just doesn’t know where he is
Big Fist – Death-bed father recounts stories to his son on, including how he won his mother over
Kremlins. Dont give the furry hatted feckers any more vodka after midnight.
The Pistman Always Rings Twice – He doesnt remember ringing the first time
Courtroom drama centres on the activities of a negligent picture-hanger.
Kramer vs Framer
to Kill a Rockingbird
Cobain returns from the grave to get revenge on that courtney love wagon for being a savage cunt
Monthy Python and the Holy Brail
Four brave knights search for rare version of the bible, published for the blind
The Maltese Fatcon – Sam Spade’s partner is murdered by some fat Maltese bitch
B.A. confidential
Mohawked and bejeweled nutbar cleans up the corrupt streets of hollywood
Dirty Hairy – nuff said
Ferris Buellers Lay Off – Ferris’s first day after being made redundant
The Quilt Man – Sean Thornton introduces duvets to Ireland
Matman Forever – Des Kelly is frozen in carbonite
Mo, myself and Irene – Simpson’s barman suddenly finds he has three fat black kids
Push Hour – Jackie Chan tries his hand at Midwifery
2001 A Spice Odyssey: Korma in space
The Manchunian Candidate
Depressed warbler morrissey in secret plot to take over the presidency of the united states
The Fiddler on the Poof – Antsy man plays around with his gay lover
Wank the Line: Johnny Cash self abusing and taking cocaine
Chariots of Hire – Roman transport rental drama
the tale of the Wicklow farmer who dared to dream of winning the Gold Cup with his prize beast
Racing Bull
Wank On the Wild Side: Monkey Balls pleasures himself in Finglas
Sambo – Vietnam vet goes crazy after the cops try and eat his lunch
The Stink
Two grifters conspire to punish evil mob boss for shitin on their friend. ya folla?
Full Metal Packet – armoured cigarette carton to stop them getting crushed in the pocket
A tale of exotic fish – Coy Story
Drop Cone – Wesley Snipes jumps from plane after losing his spliff.
Duno
Pregnant teen, but who’s the father?
Kiln Bill – One woman’s quest to extract the gold out of her former boss
I know it should be Koi but I needed to shoe-horn in a bad pun
Apocolypse Cow: The bovine contribution to global warming is finally realised
Fuck Soup
The Marx brothers rebel against their strict new diet
Paul Newman experiments with paper pants in
The Rustler
IS THERE A PRIZE TWENTY?
Arnie becomes a builder in the future in Total Rewall
The Coloour of Honey: Kinda Brown
Fart Apache the Bronx: Native American gets windy in New York
Cystic River
Cruel disease prevents detective continuing search for his daughters killer
The Longest Bard A touching tale of the Poet who grew too much
Bumbi
Gay deer porn
A history of Sweet making in Paris.
The French Confection
Bagsy Malone: He always gets picked first
Das Boon
Fat-faced english biker turns traitor and joins a nazi submarine crew
The Good Merman
He-mans nemesis has a change of heart
Binders Keepers. Intrigue in the murky world of book repair
Bootloose: Well tie your feckin laces
Three escaped convicts journey through the Deep South trying to get a shag.
O Brothel, Where Art Thou?
Bagel
American vacationers in morocco cant get a decent breakfast
Bind it like Beckham: Sado-Masochistic romp dressed up as poncey former Man U player
Theatre nurse finds it hard readjusting to her mundane existence after an adventure holiday in
Back to the Suture
Three escaped convicts journey through the Deep South trying to get a shag.
O Brothel, Where Art Thou?
haha
Serial Tom – The Cruiser ditches Scientology for a life of murder
Bird on a Hire – Protected Witness Mel Gibson bumps into Goldie Hawn and “rents” her to fill the time
9 1/2 Geeks – Nine computer nerds and a dwarf surf the Internet for porn
Good Pill Hunting – ravers quest for drugs
The Gobfather – the dramatic tale of the rise a gangster who just won’t shut the fuck up
Nappy Feet – Humans start excrementing through the terminal part of their leg
Cannibals star in the real life drama
Cook who’s coming to dinner.
or white middle class british family struggle when daughter brings home islamic fundamentalist Abu Hamza. . . .Hook who’s coming to dinner
Hey leave the Jews alone.
The Bitches Of Eastwick- Same same but different.
Lig – overnight boy becomes a man who’s always on the take
Tea Biscuit – The story of an overlooked digestive and how its unexpectedness made it famous
Ron goes off the rails and loses his memory in
Dude, Where’s my bar?
When Harry Bet Sally- A story of domestic violence and all it entails.
About a Goy – D4 Head writes a story about himself
American Die- Jason Biggs gets his cumuppance at last.
Yelp! – A film about The Beatles’ singing abilities
Cocky – Annoyingly overconfident underdog comes out of nowhere to take the heavyweight crown.
The Karate Yid- Jew boy learns self defense.
Cocky 2 – and then thankfully loses the crown only to return to take it back (with no humility) in many subsequent sequels
Kelp – Ringo’s film about his Octupus’s Garden
The Forlorn Identity: Damon becomes an even whinger cunt, killing people with his frowns!
Mr Strangelove – he got struck off
The Forlorn Identity: Damon becomes an even whinger cunt, killing people with his frowns!
No, change 1 letter. That is all.
countryside lovemaking
Forest Hump
Last Sango in Paris
Two culchies, lost on their way to a match in croker, fight over the last of the provisions.
The lives of Nigerians sent home
The Deported
Shaking Jake
Contestants shake the shit out of Jp.Stevens or whatever the fuck is name is til he cant whistle anymore!
Woody Allens take on the dormitories of schoolboys and the goings on therein
Acnie Hall (sic)
The Sinth Sense
Jean Michel Jarre receives keyboard masterpieces from beyond the grave
Scratch of the day
Liniker and the boys give a 100%
Strange story of the outlawing of cane furniture on a remote Scotttish Island.
The Whicker Ban
School of Rick. 80s pop sensation Rick Astley passes on his wealth of knowledge.
A Liver Runs Through It – Tragic tale of an alcoholic brother
Twelve Pints, Two Joints and a Kebab :
Days of Chunder
Perfect Pay – Fantasy movie staring Rob Lowe as a very happy employee of a multi national company
Margo
Pregnant country singer/sheriff asks questions to unravel a kidnapping plot and the string of murders it produces in Northern Donegal
Aidan Quinn is rasta bringing weed to orphanages in
Bong for scraggy boy
Stan By Me – The biggest mistake of Delaney’s career (thus far)
Movie about a disturbed teenage boy with a dodgy moustache.
Ronnie Darko
Clear and present ranger – a park worker’s fight against the communist threat
Margo – The Coen brothers direct Daniel O’Donnell’s sister in a crime tale gone bad
Attack of teh killer Poets
The Bards
The Gay After Tomorrow – The start of the descruction of a relationship
A banker starts driving up interest rates in the
The Heartbreak Yid
Good Will Bunting
Docu-drama. Follows the residents of Abbey-Duniry, Galway, as they decorate their homes in an effort to inspire their team in the upcoming county final
Twenty you cunt, you totally stole my Margo!
Gorillas in the Miso – Japanese man finds family of hairy mammals living in his soup
Dear Window – Jimmy Stewart writes love letters to a pane of glass
Madness concert going, trilby wearing monster..
Modzilla
Fig Trouble in Little China. Fruit Wars spill over on the the streets
Bertigo – taoiseach falls in love with a mysterious benefactor he has been hired to help
The Hand Before Time – The story of a serial masterbater
The mam who wasn’t there – unobtrusive, chain smoking mother sees the opportunity to change her life in a tale of blackmail and adultery
Blocked Up – The tragic story of anal abuse
Tom cruise takes on the might of the Russian military with only a bottle of Bombay sapphire to help him in;
Top Gin
The Worlds Lastest Indian
Paltry last of the mohicans sequel
A chilling tale on the urine-ridded streets of china
Bag Trouble in Little China
Top Gum – tom cruise defeats the might of the russian military with his damamged F-15 held together with only with pritt.
Schindler’s Pissed – Docudrama on how a drunk wipes out the occupants of a bar
The 39 stops. The Spy who got on the wrong bus
Mastaaaa – only 1 letter change per film title
The Pound of Music – The Von Trapp family discover German techno
Falling Gown – Crazed man goes on a killing spree as a reulst of his cross dressing discovery
Spudfellas – Motion picture about Irish gangsters in the town of Ballyfree
oh right – didnt spot that
The Last Ring oF Scotland
Idi Amin Sits on peoples faces!
The Farm
Tom Cruise as a Harvard Law School graduate who inherits his uncles land in Lisnalurg, Co. Sligo
Might Club – A story of stoners who dont really do much
Children of the Porn – and i’m stopping there…
El Postino. Italian Postman goes to Costa Del Sol. Bunch of stuff happens.
Apocalypse Sow – Terrifying story of an old bag gone mad
Sight Club – a tale of violence and the visually impaired
Cool Hand, Like. Card Sharks in Cork.
Soilders defect from a drug addiction in
The Thin Glue Line
“El Postino. Italian Postman goes to Costa Del Sol. Bunch of stuff happens”
Lazy so-and-so
Sorry fucksticks, crossover there. You got in just before me.
21 Prams
The latest Roddy Doyle effort, interwoven tales of single mothers that meet every morning on the 17A from Coolcok to Finglas
Cemento – a man who draws in concrete to remember the past
“Cool Hand, Like. Card Sharks in Cork”
Thats more like it, like!
Ke7en – The annoying guy from American Pie goes psycho killer
The tragic story of the death of one of Ireland’s rising stars, Katie French.
It’s A Wonderful Line
The Empire Strokes Back – The emporer and Darth Vader tug each other off while building the new Death Star
Documentry on the construction of the Fanta factory
A Blockwork Orange
Some like it not – tony curtis and marylin monroe in cross dressing comedy that just doesn’t work
Dangerous Minks
A Horror Classic. You’ll never go back into Sligo Town again!
N.A. Confidential – A story about lack of privacy
Cool Gunnings – Stories of the activities of the majority of West Dublin
Forrest Lump – A tale of expanding skin cancer
Pitt stars in a drama set on mary street
Legends of the Stall
Raging Pull – Guy loses penis to self-abuse
Star Bars: Classic Good versus Evil Confectionary
Malcom (HE)X
Denzel casts spells on the clan
Twisted – An Irish man’s dream
The story of an expanding waistline…
Fatman Begins
Margo – The story of some oul tramp from Ballymun
The Green Pile – Story of an infected arse
Blue Crust
A talented female surfer’s career is brought to an abrupt end by a rotten batch loaf
Fie Another Day – Victorian James Bond is not keen on another day in the office
Chunderball – James Bond pursues a vomit monster… with sexy results
Moonraper – Our hero Jimmy B. pursues and aging Ursula Andress across the surface of the moon.
The Spy Who Loved Ge – writes itself
Licence to Pill – Bond goes undercover in Finglas to uncover a teenage yokefest
The Man with the Golden Pun
National Treasure: Bonk Of Secrets
A Steamy sequel with Nick Cage Shagging his way through his weak plot lines
Bob Hoskins comes clean in
Who Shamed Roger Rabbit?
Margo. Shut up.
LOL – Fucksticks!!!!!
Glamiator – Ridley Scott’s face paint and knee high hoor boots epic
The Sixth Pense – Tayto counts his change
Setters from Iwo Jima – The story of Irish dogs in world war too
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Dood. Way!
Dog Gay Afternoon – A man find love inside his male dogs….
Brainspotting – An RTE documentary following the search for intelligence in small irish towns
The Kike Runner – Exodus of an affluent Jew
Cock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels – A woman takes 2 at a time
Do The Sight Thing – A story of New Yorkers looking at stuff
The Bridges of Madison Bounty – but will the coconut based chocolate treats be able to support all that traffic?
Got Fuzz – Preteens check out each other crotches…oh God….
The Bog Lebowski – Stoner cuts peat while drinking white russians
Pain Man – When Cruise’s plan backfires and his autistic brother counts his broken thumbs.
Gagnolia – A story about choking on boccolli
is this a record ? welldone 20
wizards play practical jokes on farmers in The Wand the Shakes the Barley
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Gearl – Racists take over Jack Sparrow’s ship
Lean – Film on the influx of skinny eastern european girls into Ireland and their impact on both the self confidence of Irish heffers and the pants of Irish boyo’s.
The Mighty Fucks. The story of Munster Rugby.
Pilates of the Carribean. Jack Gets in Shape
Douglas smokes weed and sits on a dildo for two hours in The Wondertoys
A pair of magic shoes turn the wearer into a theiving gypsy bastard:
Like Pike
Dace Off. No school!!
Sorry
Donnie and Clyde – Donnie Darko preque – Donnie finds himself low on cash
Boyz N the Dood – Black guys gangbang white stoner
Slow White and the Seven Dwarfs – Louis Walsh sends his new boy band off to work
The Spa who loved me.
Simpsons Alien finally settles in Springfield
Citizen Kang
Chicken Fun – Beastiality for the family
Good Will Cunting- Matt Damon stars again with maths and porn in perfect harmony.
I.T. the Extra-Terrestrial – People try to communicate with the alien IT specialists….
Training Gay – Denzel Puts Elton John through his paces
Best of the Bunch?
Im voting for alexkintner:
Bertigo – taoiseach falls in love with a mysterious benefactor he has been hired to help
Kevin Costner as an Iowa Farmer decides to build a fish farm without water (Cunt):
Field of Breams
Merry Maguire – Tom Cruise get locked after his last mission
That was not thought through at all sorry
Glade Runner- track down the 4 replicants before giving them a good dusting.
I think John Waters was right?
Boys in the hood – The white version.
Sexy Feast – Ray Winstone eats a medieval banquet all by himself, ably assisted by Carol Vorderman
Poop Dreams – Basketball player dreams of scat
A honeyed alcholic brew comes to life terrorizing the world
Night of the Living Mead
Meet the Fuckers.
The Fadness of King George – The king gets into fashion
A Simple Flan
Early Coen Bros cookery outing
Steamy MILF action
seven rides for seven mothers
The Remains of the Gay – Detectives search for the killer of a rent boy
Bedwolf. Worst Wolf Ever
Pushmore – A story of childbirth
My Life as a Cog
emmm… wheel bio
Goy Story – The tale of a Blackrock wanker
bad boy pubby
Australian clingwrap killer always down the pub
Feetlejuice – A docudrama about foot sweat fetish
Lonely housewife seeks action after her husbands death in The Wife of David Gale
A pair of curtains are made homeless after being replaced by Ikea bamboo blinds.
The Drapes of Wrath
Harrison Ford protects a boy from Cork,
Witless.
Beverly Kills Cop
Star Trek The Next Generation Episode No. 500003x10e3
Beverly Crusher gets in an escalating altercation with a law enforcer with tragic results.
The story of a model and her battle with Bulemia…
Beauty and the Feast
Dead Mingers – A story of necrophilia
Desperately Leeking Susan – The tragic end to a woman who was constantly horny
Taking viagra on american independence day..
Horn on the fourth of July
Pie Hard – A sequel to Supersize me
Psychl
Trevor Sargent – serial killer on a bike
The Milling Fields – Guy goes to work on farm but its not corn he’s cutting down…
4.14 recurring
darren aaronofsky’s maths error drama
The Cast Temptation of Christ – “God I cant wank with this broken arm”
Sheepless in Seattle. The story of ovine love
Bola – The prequel to ebola…
Secrets and Pies
Mike Leigh exposes the PDs
Mad Sax – Serial killer beats people to death with brass instrument
Run Lolz Run. A story af a happy marathon specialist
My Left Boot – Documentary – What happened to the footwear after the film shot it to fame
willy wanka
A Nightdare on Elm Street – Kids do dares on Freddy
A documentary about the impact of the wonder bra…
Its a wonderful lift
Raiders of the Lost Ars – A group of men search for the hole of all holes
A psychopathic stool breaks from prison
Shite Heat
What’s Eating Dilbert Grape – nerdy cartoon gets really fat
ok they are gettin silly, havent laughed out loud since “SS I love you” -the best of the day
I’m off
The Tight Stuff – A story about changing lanes without indicating
need to get Monkey out of his drug induced coma
The Thin Glue Line – The story of space ship Discovery
Phone Tooth – Colins Farrell (cunt) calls his dentist.
This is worse than drugs I am off to find something more wholesome like Crack.
Hot without my children. Page 3 girl shuns her own kids.
Lame
Aidonius and his classmates from theatre school produce shite jokes for a stand-up workshop
LoL – Pish!!!
It’s my first day ?
9
Bo Derek lets herself go a bit
explosm.net/comics/800/ is amusing comics
Robomop – Story of an automated cleaning brush
8 Pile, Story of a young white rapper and his struggle to overcome a bad case of haemmorroids
Hobocop, Nick Nolte gets a job with the LAPD in the sequel to Down and out in Beverly Hills
The Bong Good Friday- …..eh……Bob Hopkins makes a right hash of it *ahem*.
That’s it. I’m done………perhaps. Damn you Twenty. Damn you!
Breaking the rules, just this once…
The Midshite express, the tale of a man’s daring, pants-down, cubicle-switch when he realises there’s no jaxroll left in the dispenser
The Goolies – on the search for the evil pirate One Eyed Willie
Forrest Gimp – a raunchy S&M flick, set in Phoenix Park
Vet Cemetery – where deceased animal doctors come back to life
Transfarmers – Robotic aliens come to earth and disguise themselves as john deere tractors
8.7% of all comments for this blog so far have come from Twenty Major himself.
…that we know of..
Pission to Mars – After drinking 30 pints of lager without pause, our hero finds that his bladder is about to ‘supernova’
Spareballs – fiction chick flick
How do you know, Statto?
Dong for a raggy boy……actually that might have been a more appropriate title
Willy the kid – Bugsy Malone-style western flick, directed by Michael Jackson
Fast and the Curious – Young men with flash cars meet up at night to race and have fun
The Whining – Jack Nicholson stars as a murderous husband who, understandably, wants to kill his whingy, ugly bitch wife Shelly Duvall. A comedy for all the family
Time for the law to get a grip of itself…
Agent Cody Wanks
The TommyKnackers….Itinerants from Offaly stumble upon a mysterious metallic object that has a devastating impact on the mindset of the inhabitants of the halting site.
Bloody hell, nearly 700 comments in two days on the same thing. This is sheer genius. But damn you for distracting me for so long reading this bollox and wasting even more time thinking up totally dire contributions.
Anaddin
A young boy finds a magical genie in a bottle of painkillers
The Rothman Prophecies – Richard Gere investigates strange psychic visions of Rothmans smokers dying horrible deaths
tommyknackers! fuckin genuis
Lady and the Cramp – Disney’s classic on PMT
genius
Meant to say for this post…
you’v dropped to 8.5%
Poor lass with fungal infection deals with irritating cunt.
Irma La Douche
Mullitt
A rebel cop refuses to play by the book and lets his hair grow long, but only at the back
Cattleship Potemkin – Communist Russia’s response to Orwell’s Animal Farm
G*A*S*H
Gynecologists are draft during the Korean war
Hume Alone – ex-SDLP head is abandoned by his party
For the Brazilian in you…
She’s Gotta Shave It
Weekend at Bertie’s – Two Fianna Fail ministers try to pretend that the Taoiseach is actually alive, a confused Enda Kenny wants him dead
The Meaning of Fife – Sting plays more shit instruments in this crap film.
Dannie Darko – Mr. O’Daniel explores some back door fun.
A Dam and Paul – One Dublin junkie goes to Holland to smuggle weed.
Death Pish – See #118
#2 should be Mr O’Donnell.
D’oh!
Never Been Pissed – A biography about Drew Barrymore’s life before she starred in ET.
Out in the country a smallholder is delighted to be connected to the national sewage grid after years of struggling with a small cess pit.
Man With Two Drains
(I’ll get me coat)
The Longest Hard
Gay Porno
The wedding flanner – want egg based desserts at your nuptials? He’s your man.
A wank in the park – Puerile way to spend the afternoon
The Great E scale
Steve Mcqueen plays a blind deaf and dumb kid who is a piano prodigy
The Minger – Mary Harney pretends to suffer from downs syndrome in an attempt to get away with fucking up the health system. With a face like hers, everyone falls for it
Fight breaks out in jewel’n'sausage shop: Breakfist At Tiffany’s
Clap Shot
Paul Newmans as a urologist who plays dirty to cure his clients
Swallow Hal – Rosemary’s appetite gets totally out of hand in the sequel to Shallow Hal
The Three Stooles
starring twenty himself in this tale of an epic poo
Slag Her, She’s French – Katy gets abuse from all angles, even posthumously
The Rummy Returns
A dipso blogger makes a mint by writing a book and turns his back on his local and his mates for glamour of hollywood.
Eventually, though, he see the error of his ways and drops into Rons for a pint
Documentary about the nurse in charge of bed baths at the old peoples home.
Confessions of a widow cleaner
Shame
A lone gunslinger gets a little too close to the son of the man who takes him in
Gee Movie – Live from the hive of porn
The Big Skeep
A french man living in Dublin needs to clean out his overflowing garage
The Night of the Munter
Sure we’ve all been there..
390 comments on this. What the fuck is wrong with you people?
Charlie Wilson’s Ear – The Mujaheddin get pissed off when the ransom doesn’t arrive
Im unemployed and live with me ma
Rapo Man – Emilio Estevez stars in wacky alien porno
Good one fucksticks ! I just don’t have the time nor the inclination to read 400 comments about fuckall. Good luck t’ya.
Cowfinger – Steve Martin develops a strange sexual urge to stick his hand up the asses of cows
The Wedding Minger – documentary about the ugly bridesmaids that noone ever wants to dance with.
The Dykes of Hazzard – Bo and Luke can’t seem to get any action in Hazzard County since Jessica Simpson showed up….
Mad Kax – Flourescent underwear with tinsel trimming and 4 USB sockets
Malcolm I – the first in the 10 part series
The Blurs Brothers – Quentin Albarn & Ulick Cox save an orphanage
Black Hawk Gown – Somalians anger at US fashion faux pas
The Simpsons Movin’ – Homer & Co. get a new house in Fettercairn
John Waters is right!
Mrs. Presley still shows affection for her son, even though she knows he’s gay;
Love Me Bender
Nurses quietly stick tubes up patient’s arses;
Silent Enema
The Jazz Minger.. Mary Coughlan. Nuff said
Sinead’s life story…
The Singing Defective
Have I missed The Cunt of Monte Cristo……..Thought that would’ve been up there in the first 20 comments or so
The Three Days of the Condom – CIA bookworm uncovers protestant Green Party sustainability policy.
Bust Like Heaven: Reese Witherspoon gets them out for the boys
Well thanks Twenty, for a whole day wasted! Damn, that was good…
Documentary featuring all the morons who posted comments that nobody wanted to read, telling us they didn’t want to read our comments;
Supersad
Wombstone – Contemporary remake of The Wolf and Seven Little Kids.
Mississipi gurning – Slack jawed yokels take a fuck load of pills.
Alpens – Sigourney Weaver battles illegal Swiss immigrants.
Dial Q For Murder – A story of a dyslexic assasin.
…assassin (can’t spell either!)
Hatman – The life and times of Pat Ingoldsby.
Educational movie, explaining to thicko Americans about how to find elevators in Europe.
The Meaning Of Lift
The Wizard Of Of.
The Fast of the Mohicans – A stupid stunt by a dying breed
The Talented Mr Jipley – Man shows how he spurts dolphins while blowing his load
I showed this blog to the missus today for the very first time. I told her I’ve been a regular poster, but no matter how many times she asked, I refused to tell her what my alias was. I asked her to try to guess.
After about 40 minutes, when she had finished reading both yesterday’s and today’s comments, she looked me straight in the eyes.
In the eerie silence that followed, I thought I could hear her sucking her teeth in concentrated concentration. Her eyes narrowed, but still, that cold, icy glare remained focused on me.
At this point I began to think I’d made a mistake. “What were you thinking, Monkey?”, I heard myself say (to myself). “It’s one thing exposing yourself ‘anonomously’ to the world, but revealing your darker side to the woman you love, the mother of your children, your only co-star in all your wet dreams since 1996, that’s just fuckin’ madness.”
It felt like hours, but I’m sure that in reality it was even less than a minute. I thought my legs were about to give way. “Here it comes”, I thought, “she knows the REAL me now, -I’m fucked!”
Then I noticed a softening in her expression, as if she had suddenly been overcome with compassion, or, if the truth be told, pity.
“Please tell me it’s not fuckin’ Porridge”, she said.
Casa Planca – The middle pig’s tale.
MB – What did you tell her? Did you reveal your secret identity or did you merely say “Porridge – fuck off!”
“My sweet”
Too late.
12 ‘ungry men – Working title of “Alive” while in production.
Shako’s Hand – Speed wanking porn flick
The Trench Connection – Popeye Doyle takes on Kaiser Bill, the well known World War I drug baron. Gripping chase sequence through the mud of Flanders.
In the Nave of the Father – A choirboy’s memoirs
Everything’s grand now cnut, thanks.
I admit she did cry for a bit, and I’d like to think it was in relief, but the truth is it was more probably more to do with me trying for a rear-entry than anything else.
Funny thing is, she refuses to even try for a second guess. She says it doesn’t matter.
Can’t say I’m not disappointed. This is the closest to a full-time job I’ve had in fuckin’ years.
OK, it’s way past 9:00pm now, so here goes;
The brutal story of a woman, born trapped inside the body of a man, and how she transformed herself in the woman she is today;
The Cunting
He taught the animals how to play musical instruments;
Zoobander
Yes, I’m pissed.
No, I don’t have standards.
Flat-fish hater;
Enemy Of The Skate
Hello, anybody there?
Dear Twenty,
First of all, thank you. I have had a wonderful time here over the last couple of days. Is there any chance you could forward me the rules for tomorrow’s list in advance? My agent has deliberately double-booked me to ride two celebrities at the same time tomorrow, and I’m worried that I might end up low on juices, creative ones included.
I feel like I put in a dreadfully poor showing today, and I’d like to rectify the matter.
Thank you,
Monkey.
P.S.
Thanks for the advance copy of the book. It’s not bad, but definitely not as funny as I expected. Don’t bother with second one.
Brokesack Mountain – The uncut version
Hello H.
I was just wondering, is the H silent?
No, it likes to talk sometimes…
Christ it’s 3am and I feel I’ve got hundreds of these left in me, like:
28 Gays Later, A man wakes up naked in a hospital bed after being repeated raped by crazed homo zombies
Don’t be shy H. I won’t bite you if you don’t bite me. Unless your name is Sarah.
But I digress,
The sad tale of of a gay cowboy who ended up in hospital after his first attempt to lose his virginity;
Brokeback Mountin’
DeliverInce – Look, I haven’t got got enough time on my hands to know anything about football, so will someone else finish this one off for me please?
Thanks, you’re a spa, I mean sport.
Go to bed, for the love of Jesus!
Berti-go – The cry of a people for deliverance from a useless cunt.
Shite Noise – Michael Keaton turns on his radio to hear his dead wife but instead gets an earful of Damien Rice
The Mild Bunch – A gang of cowboys get together for a final time to have a nice cup of tea.
Young man gets drug-raped by a M.I.N.L.F.;
Kiss of the spiker woman.
Bollocks. Minds gone blank now.
About Schidt – Story of an old dude who does some, uh, stuff
Get Rich or Die Cryin’ – 50 cent turns big girls blouse after gettin the hump from his record company
Finding Cemo – Uninsured cancer sufferer has trouble getting treatment in Irish hospitals
Yeah, yeah, too many posts….
Yeah, yeah, Monkey Bollix…..
Yeah, yeah, monkeyballs.com…..
Yeah, yeah, too long…….
Yeah, yeah, repetitive….
Fuck off, you’ll be late for work!
Me, not only do I not have to get up for hours, I don’t have to get up at all. Hah! (Suckers)
Which reminds me, fucksticks- make sure you’re out of the house tomorrow between 2:00 and 4:30. Yer Ma wants me to have a look at her plumbing.
Oops! Nearly forgot:
The tragic tale of a Cockney Wanker, trying desperately to pass his wisdom onto a chirpy salted cracker, who in turn leads a miserable life, married to a cream cracker*;
Educating Ritz
*No offence intended. – Most of my friends are Knackers.
A bit of a self-pleasuring theme here, one for the boys:
One Hoor Photo – The tale of a man with just one picture to wank off to
And one for the girls:
Saturday Night Lever – Horny girl goes to nightclub, goes home alone, improvises.
H, you are porridge, and I claim my fiver!
Bollocks to this. I’ve got boobies to mind in the morning. I mean babies. Cunt. Good morning to ya monkey, I’ll let you break the 500…
Sorry H., I thought you might be a bloke there for minute, or else Porridge.
You say you have boobies? Bring them ’round my place tomorrow. There’s plenty of empty beer cans in the living-room for the kids to play with.
If you’re into breaking records, I can guarantee that you’ll set a multitude of personal bests before 2pm.
P.S.
I NEVER do anyone up the arse on a first date, no matter what you’ve heard.
Minority Deport
In the future Immigrants are caught before they can enter the country
When nuns go bad…
Two males for Sister Sarah
I tried to hold back… i did but i couldn’t…
The great drain robbery
500 on the way.
John Waters didn’t say?
Twenty Major said?
I say, I say!
Not yet not yet.
throat rapper – th fuck outa my way dawg
“500″ – see last comment.
Later, later!
fuck – where did they come from????
Soon soon soon.
monkey bills – would you give him his fiver and let him fuck off
Quick quick quick.
Now now now.
Ronnie and Clyde – Brokeback moutain set in the ’30s.
Where where where.
arse, arse, arse
cnut thanks for the help.
501 maybe.
fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.
The number means nothing, grasshopper. It is how you achieve the number that brings the greatest satisfaction.
Or something.
500 achieved on now, now now would just be crap – yes?
What silly comments did you mean fucking all of them.
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I savour, lead to I discovered just what I was taking a look for. You’ve ended my 4 day long hunt! God Bless you man. Have a nice day. Bye