“Twenty”, said Dirty Dave last night, “I’m out of my mind with worry.”
“About anything in particular?”
“Oh, nothing much. JUST MY MISSING LOVECHILD.”
“Ahh, that. I’m sure he’ll turn up. Look, there he is coming through the door now.”
“Is it? Felipe? Oh, you cunt, Twenty. That’s just old Larry who sleeps down in the Blackpits who Ron gives a cup-a-soup to every night.”
“Sorry, it’s hard to tell. He’s a rancid old fucker and Flithy Felipe is rancid fucker too.”
“Shut up, he’s only half-rancid.”
“Why don’t you ask some of his friends if they’ve seen him?”
“I would but I don’t speak whatever language it is they speak in Spain, plus his mother has already done that. Nobody has seen him at all.”
“What if he murdered somebody and has gone on the run?!”
“Don’t say that.”
“Or what if he got raped by a confused child molester who mistook him for a child but bummed him all the same then disposed of his body in an incinerator?!”
“Oh Jesus.”
“It could be worse than that even.”
“It could?”
“Yeah, he might have joined a circus and that would mean that he’s surrounded by clowns and dwarves and sometimes dwarf clowns. There’d be no way back for him then.”
“Well at least he’d be safe.”
“Safe? Within days he’d have caught the small from the dwarves and before you know it he’d be painting his face like Bobo or Chuckles. If he ever did come back the only kind thing to do would be to put him out of his misery. It’d have to be done from a distance though in case you got Clown AIDS from the splatter.”
Just then Dave’s phone rang.
“Hello?”, he said. “You what? They have? Where? You’re joking? What the fuck was he doing there? Right, I see. Thanks for letting me know.”
“Well, where was he?”
“Who?”
“Felipe, you mong.”
“I’ve got no idea, that was my neighbour Mick who said he saw that cunt from the Manic Street Preachers working behind the counter in a deli in Stoneybatter.”
“I hate talking to you sometimes, Dave. I really do.”
This is my bagel order. Tell me yours
If you meet a clown with AIDS it’s best to ask them to put a condom on their comedy squirty flowers. Practicing safe hilarity with clowns is what matters. You can’t get it from just sharing a toothbrush or bumming. That’s ignorant talk.
If you tolerate this then your chicken fillet roll won’t be fresh
Dwarfism is no laughing matter you cunt, there are very few employment opportunities and since that film the Time Bandits they proved very difficult to work with in the medium of film. There was once a midget bouncer in a club in Brighton, he must have been hard as fuck.
He could shatter a mans shin with one punch.
Mary McAleese; our unelected president; is a nutty religious cunt.
Needed to vent my spleen about her
She’s a cunt – and even if she wasn’t nutty/religious, she’s still be a cunt. Horrible woman. Thank Goodness it’s too late for her to lay eggs. Imagine – she mixes with bastards like Bertie and Bono – what chance woud we have if they spawned lots of little demons.
Is it just me, or does Mammy McAleese always have a glazed, faraway zonked-out look in her eyes? Like as if she doesn’t know whether to cry, or talk shite.
And how come she never chooses to cry?
Back on topic now, check out the rancidity of this lot; http://www.myspace.com/thedwarves
Is it just me, or does Mammy McAleese always have a glazed, faraway zonked-out look in her eyes?
It’s a Belfast thing .
Monkey Balls you cannot be forgiven for knowing that myspace site. I have just vomited my cheese sandwich over my desk.
As for McAleese she maybe a Scientologist, that would explain the glazed faraway look.
I was in town the other day, and I bought myself a quarter pound bag of dwarves for when I got home.
I sat down, put the telly on, and opened the bag. Imagine my shock, when I discovered there was only five of the little bastards in there!!
What a fuckin’ rip-off!!
Peurile, whatever you do, don’t go near http://www.thedwarves.com/bio.php
You’ll thank me for posting the myspace link instead.
The Dwarves; On the go since the mid-80s, and still can’t get more than 20 punters to go to their live shows. I guess they’ll never be big.
To all you fist-jockeys who think I post too much, just fuck off! It’s not my fault that you don’t post enough.
And for your information, I also regularly use other aliases aswell.
But I never answer my own comments. Because that would be just wrong.
Back to the dwarves;
What do readers think is the optimum number of dwarves to have in the bedroom? Me and the missus have six at the moment, and were thinking of getting another one, but she read somewhere that we should get them in pairs. Me, I think it’s not right to have more than seven.
Any ideas?
Dwarf update;
We now only have three dwarves. It’s my fault. I should never have left my long coat to dry up on the landing.
A midget with Clown Syndrome?
Bleughhh….
See the only reason for dwarves is to have them at a party with the serving table glued to their head.
Never any reason to have a dwarf or dwarves in the bedroom.
Actually maybe in the bog as a toilet roll dispenser
“Never any reason to have a dwarf or dwarves in the bedroom.”???
You need at least two on wiping duties, one to carry the camcorder on his head, and as many naked ones as you can get. -Just to make your own mickey look big in comparison.