The emergency handbook
Posted on | January 17, 2008 | 43 Comments
I read this morning that every household in the country is to receive a government issued ‘emergency handbook’ which covers such scenarios as ‘nuclear accidents, severe weather and flooding problems, hazardous chemical spills, transport accidents, suspicious packages, accidents at sea, animal diseases and pandemic incidents’.
There are 56 in total and some of the ones not mentioned here include:
- What to do when you have to ring up NTL and complain and the person you’re talking to is thicker than pigshit and no matter how well you explain yourself it’s like talking to a brick fucking wall – the handbook will advise you on measures to stay calm instead of getting someone to drive you around while you hide in the boot of the car sniping random NTL employees.
- There’s a section on finance, written by An Taoiseach himself, which tells you the best places to keep your money should the world banking system collapse.
- Many people still don’t know that exposure to Damien Rice’s music can be fatal. Tips on resuscitating victims are contained in the handbook.
- Noxious fumes, poisonous gasses, lethal vapors – all things that can be found emanating from Joe Duffy every day of the week. Tips on how to steer clear make up a considerable part of this pamphlet.
- There’s a large section on DIY surgery to help you avoid the queues at casualty departments across the country. The tools needed are fully explained and if you have cancer a sample of sea water from the Sellafield polluted waters of the North East act as a handy home made chemotherapy kit
- All citizens are advised to keep a small arsenal in their homes in the event of an ‘I am Legend’style virus which turns everyone except one black guy with a load of Apple Mac computers into zombies who all look exactly the same. What would happen if the zombies were all different looking is not explained.
- A cyanide tablet is being issued to every citizen in the event that they are the last person on earth, or one of the last people when any of the others include John Waters, Barry Egan or Twink. That citizen is duty bound to kill the others before committing suicide in case they began to breed.
Personally, I can’t wait for my handbook because in the event of a nuclear meltdown or a killer virus I can use it to fan the air in front of me, thus escaping any of the ill-effects
Similar posts
Comments
43 Responses to “The emergency handbook”
Leave a Reply
January 17th, 2008 @ 9:51 am
We had a similar booklet delivered
some time ago – it caused a rush
to the supermarket to stock up on
bottled water and canned food. The
advice was so ludicrous and slated so
much in the news that it sort of died
a silent death. It’s a bit like the
life jacket they have on aircraft with
the little whistle, in case the plane
goes down in the sea. They must
think we are all fucking brainless
morons.
January 17th, 2008 @ 10:39 am
Is the Y2K virus thing going to be included?
January 17th, 2008 @ 10:47 am
Will the handbook advise me what to do when I need to buy a component for my computer “right now” and in my optimistic somewhat naive way I go to PC World and I get faced with
1) A surly youth who thinks he knows shit cause he plays Halo3 for 24hours on the trot
2) I get told a bunch of lies by surly/spotty youth who in his defence doen’t know that my girlfriend and I have over 15 years of experience of working in IT
3) When I eventually find a free surly/spotty youth lurking behind the plasma TVs they tell me it “ain’t their department”
4) When I choose an item the cunts tell me it “ain’t in stock and I dunno when the next delvery will be”
I have already once nearly caused a riot when I intervened when a cloned pus weeping teenager was talking shite in a particularly patronising way to an unsuspecting punter, and found that is frowned upon by the retail industry.
January 17th, 2008 @ 10:48 am
“The Cabinet yesterday gave the go-ahead to Defence Minister Willie O’Dea for a campaign to highlight the steps being taken by the Government to cope with emergencies.”
obviously not taking the whole thing seriously if they put willie “mustachioed woman fighting gunslinger” o’dea in charge of it. at least they will know what emergencies to cover, as the government are the cause of most of them. i’ve also heard the handbook will have the words “don’t panic” in large friendly text on the cover and will be made from towels stolen from homeless people.
January 17th, 2008 @ 10:53 am
pp – can see the problem right away. pissy world don’t sell plasmas. you were in curries instead. the way to tell the difference is if
a. pcs seem to have a large range of nozzles supplied for getting into awkward places, have a spin cycle or can keep all your shopping deep frozen for years, and
b. you are the only person in the place for whom indian is not their first language
hope this helps
January 17th, 2008 @ 10:54 am
What about advice on escaping form Cyprus, Im here less than four hours and already want to kill someone.This must be the worst place in Europe. Thank god I can leave in 30 hours.
January 17th, 2008 @ 10:58 am
Can you not just find a beach and drink, MacD?
January 17th, 2008 @ 11:09 am
Don’t mind him, he was probably standing in a swimming pool when he was typing that, drinking beer through a comedy straw.
January 17th, 2008 @ 11:13 am
The one time a women gets to be a scientist and make a great discovery it has to be one that goes pear shaped reg “I am Legend”
January 17th, 2008 @ 11:31 am
Or being raped by a bunch of rampaging British squaddies
January 17th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm
I want to know what to do when kids come to your door asking you to ‘buy a line’ for some local GAA club.
January 17th, 2008 @ 12:02 pm
Do the opposite of what Katy French did.
January 17th, 2008 @ 12:17 pm
We got one of those a few years ago. I would lend it to you if I could remember where I put it.
January 17th, 2008 @ 12:27 pm
they should provide razor blades in that kit, courtesy of the national suicide squad. (just in case)
January 17th, 2008 @ 12:41 pm
good i hope its soft paper so i can wipe my arse with it
January 17th, 2008 @ 1:09 pm
Twenty, you need a new editor. I hope your book isn’t full of spelling errors as in this post:
resuscitating
emanating
January 17th, 2008 @ 1:17 pm
Thank you, Sister. I was in a bit of a hurry this morning.
January 17th, 2008 @ 1:29 pm
No Iodine tablets?
January 17th, 2008 @ 1:32 pm
Its cold here in Cyprus ,16 today so its a fire place and hot choclate i need not a beach and cocktails. I willhowever find a bar serving the Black and drink vast quantities and try to pretend Im in Galway on Shop Street witha bookies next door.
PS: the fuckers have banned smoking in Bars too.
January 17th, 2008 @ 1:37 pm
Cyanide. Cool.Cos those iodine tabs that gave us the last time didn’t really hit the spot, you know what I mean Twenty?
I do feel that this “guideline” does approximate the outline of Cecilia Ahern’s latest novel ‘PB: post-bertie, life without Daddy’? So if we have a choice of disaster, I’ll opt to bumpy-rumpy with the gang of squaddies (no 9 above!) or is that taking the maxim of you’re all fucked too far in this case?
Seriously, this policy was probably penned by a juior civil servant with acnes and whose balls haven’t dropped yet, who spends waaayyy too much time playing video games about the apocalypse with other geeks. He was originally asked to write the county development plan for Leitrim but he just couldn’t stop… O’Dea is in charge of it all? Oh, yeah, we’re all fucked by the poison dwarf.
January 17th, 2008 @ 2:37 pm
I ate my entire families quota of Iodine tablets when I hear the neighbours car alarm go off.
My wee has been illuminous yellow ever since.
January 17th, 2008 @ 3:32 pm
Is there gonna be a section in the book on the Nintendo Wii? Everyone here in Monkey Towers is sufferring an injury of some sort since Christmas because of the damned thing.
And even after that, we STILL didn’t manage to find one anywhere.
January 17th, 2008 @ 3:36 pm
Never mind an emergency. I’ve just listened to the John Waters broadcast in your previous post and I want my cyanide pill now…
January 17th, 2008 @ 4:26 pm
where’s nonny?
January 17th, 2008 @ 4:33 pm
I can’t believe that you’re making fun of this emergency handbook.
what if something truly disasterous happened?
You wouldn’t be laughing then.
You’re all so cynical sometimes.
January 17th, 2008 @ 4:33 pm
heh
January 17th, 2008 @ 4:50 pm
Puerile try
Komplett.ie
You’ll find its worth waiting a few days, when it comes to dealing with PC world…
As for NTL customer service, please dont get me started..
January 17th, 2008 @ 5:14 pm
Pigshit is runny. Just a wee point of order. Which is in and of itself a p.o.o. thus completing the great Poo Cycle which sometimes goes by the alias Life.
I found that on Wikipoodia.
January 17th, 2008 @ 5:22 pm
NTL pah, what about Eircom. Stupid arse spelt my name wrong on my email address and ‘it’s not possible to change once it’s set up’. On complaining, turns out the best thing to do is change my own name, then it’ll match my new email. Cunning eh?
January 17th, 2008 @ 5:43 pm
Sorry: can we just be clear?
You’re suggesting resuscitating people who listen to Damien Rice?
January 17th, 2008 @ 5:48 pm
Those who have been accidentally exposed to fatal levels of his songs deserve a chance.
Those who choose to listen to them themselves can just go and die.
January 17th, 2008 @ 7:33 pm
“..you are the only person in the place for whom indian is not their first language”
Hey Porrdige, I would guess that nobody actually speaks “indian” as their first language, possibly people who come from India would speak hindi or urdu or any one of the very many regional dialects there.
January 17th, 2008 @ 7:56 pm
Does it include anything about building fallout shelters should Mary Harney ever feel the urge to fart?
January 17th, 2008 @ 8:00 pm
What we really need is some sort of fix it remedy for those who voted these fuckwits into government into government, complete with new shiny Green mudguard.
Oh okay, we have it…property/building/growth boom over, schools fecked, health system non-existent..done!.
January 17th, 2008 @ 8:14 pm
Any advice in it on how to recycle the same tired old jokes ad nauseum?
January 17th, 2008 @ 8:38 pm
Have you tried shoving them up your hole?
January 17th, 2008 @ 9:06 pm
Would have, but they’re not even fit for use as toilet paper.
January 17th, 2008 @ 9:08 pm
Why would you shove toilet paper up your hole?
January 17th, 2008 @ 9:28 pm
why not?
January 17th, 2008 @ 10:09 pm
Bloody Irish pub, no smoking, kareoke, and some drunk paddy doing a jig every time a song started . Shoot me now , let me go back to the bombs in Beirut.
but the Guinness was good and at5 euro a pint it proves Longford is cheaper
January 17th, 2008 @ 10:28 pm
macd, where did you learn to riverdance like that?
What a fantastic night…
January 18th, 2008 @ 12:11 am
#32 if you’re going to be pedantic, might as well spell porridge correctly, horlicks
January 18th, 2008 @ 8:38 am
[...] Damn Twenty. He beat me to a rant on the ‘emergency handbook’ that is being produced by the Government and supplied to every household in the country. Twenty lists the important ones. For the rest, I’m still banking on my iodine tablets saving me. [...]