Nicknames
Posted on | January 4, 2008 | 68 Comments
Last night in Ron’s over some warming pints (fuck me it was a cold one outside, eh?) we got to talking about nicknames and the people we knew who had them. What with the internet having killed off nicknames almost completely it was good to reminisce.
Dirty Dave and Stinking Pete claimed never to have had any nicknames at all but soon discussion fell to those we had schooled, worked or spent time in various small rooms with. Not public toilets, smartarses.
“I knew a fella called Bottler once”, said Jimmy the Bollix, “so called-”
“You mean Brendan Grace!”, interrupted Dave.
“No, I don’t. This Bottler was called Bottler because he-”
“But Brendan Grace was known as ‘Bottler’, so he was.”
“So help me if you interrupt me again I will boil the kettle, fashion a funnel out of the covers of those glossy magazines Ron keeps under the bar and I’ll scald the fucking throat off you.”
“Fair enough, I was just saying-”
“Don’t just say. Anyway, this Bottler was so called because he got a bottle of shampoo stuck on his mickey while he was having a wank in the bath and had to go to hospital to get it cut off.”
“That’s gas”, said Stinking Pete. “I knew a fella by the name of Boothead once.”
“Why was he called Boothead?”, asked Splodge who has been more conversational these days because he’s got a small part in the book.
“Well, because he had a head like a boot, I suppose. I don’t really know.”
“Do you remember the bloke we used to go to school with Jimmy?”, I asked. “Snotty Joe his name was because every single day of our school lives he had the greenest of green snots caked across both nostrils and on his upper lip. His real name was Dermot but Snotty Joe worked a lot better.”
“I remember him!”, said Dave. “We went to his birthday party. Me, you and Jimmy and on the way home you gave me this delicious and very chewy new chewing gum and … hey, wait a minute. Oh, fuck you guys. That wasn’t chewing gum at all, was it?”
“Ah Dave, we wouldn’t do that. It really was chewing gum.”
“Phew, that’s a relief. For a second I thought it was … hey, wait a minute. Oh, you cunts.”
“What about Rapey Rory?”
“He’d rape anyone’s pet from dog to pony, from cat to hamster. He was a sick cunt.”
“He was beaten to death when what he thought was a large badger turned out to be a tramp with fists of steel.”
“Probably for the best, in fairness. It’s not a long way from raping animals to becoming a true monster like a Sunday Independent journalist.”
“Then there was that fucking sack of shit Mark Ryan who got called “The Queef” because he claimed to able to make any woman he had sex with do gee farts.”
“Yeah, and according to Pete’s ex-wife that was only because his mickey was so small!”, said Dave.
“How would she know that?”, said Pete.
“Ahh, she was telling me while I was shagging her.”
“Oh you”, said Pete.
“Yes. Oh me. Oh my. She was a good looking woman.”
And so the discussion went on and on until we had spoken about everyone we ever knew who had had a nickname. What were the best nicknames you ever heard?
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January 4th, 2008 @ 12:13 am
‘TWENTYMAJOR’ OF COURSE! HAPPY NEW YEAR YOU OLD BOLLIX! : )
January 4th, 2008 @ 1:32 am
Brendan Grace. Now there’s a name from the past. I remember his wife driving the kids to our local school in a jag or roller or some big flash car. Talk about flaunting it.
January 4th, 2008 @ 1:33 am
There was a DJ in Galway, a big hairy bogman, and his nickname was Pounder. His hanger-on assistant was only a wee thing, so his nickname was Quarter-Pounder
January 4th, 2008 @ 2:34 am
There were so many nicknames when i was growing up I hardly know people’s real names. That’s what you get when all the people are either Murdo or Peigi MacLeod. Ministers even use nicknames sometimes when they’re marrying people.
There was a fellow a few years older than us when we were underage drinkers and he used to get us carry-outs. The only name I ever knew him by was Coodabean, as in “he could have been so beautiful”, which is what his mammy might well have said as she watched his face turn into a potato at puberty. He didn’t seem to mind it a bit. He was a good laugh actually – very personable and stuff.
January 4th, 2008 @ 2:36 am
I went to school with a Dippan, a Turdo, a Kenny Flowerpot, and an Ali Big Balls.
January 4th, 2008 @ 2:41 am
Around town there was a Maroot, a Barts, a Kenny Leather, a Kenny Tinker, Kenny Fags, a Major, an Ossian, a Smokey, a Murdo Eyeballs and shit, i can’t remember the best ones. Whole families have names.
January 4th, 2008 @ 2:42 am
Our maths teacher was Curly Brackets.
January 4th, 2008 @ 2:52 am
Pegasus
he was caught shagging a calf
{ ok , but but where there any half man-half bovine Greeks ?}
January 4th, 2008 @ 3:22 am
There was a fella when I was at school who joined our class late in the first year and was so afraid to ask the teacher to go to the toilet he shit himself.
Over 30 years later and he’s still known as Shite MacAlary. The fella with the nervous twitch was “indicator eyes”, then there was the browned off provo, mousey, nodz, monsewer, moe and a ton of others.
Nowadays it’s all Michael and Tony.
January 4th, 2008 @ 4:00 am
one of the blokes in school only had one testicle. still call him bollock.
January 4th, 2008 @ 4:34 am
Similar situation here. Instead of double 07 we called him Double 01 – shoots blanks.
January 4th, 2008 @ 6:08 am
Once knew a fella everyone called Korky. He didn’t like it one bit, and sometimes got very annoyed at being called by this name, although nobody I knew could tell me his real name. Everyone just always called him Korky.
For ages I couldn’t figure out why, trying desperately to remember anything I could about Korky The Cat from the Beano or Dandy comics of my youth.
Then, one day, it suddenly dawned on me. The fucker was from Cork!
I never felt so stupid in my life.
January 4th, 2008 @ 6:11 am
there was a huge fucker on our road called Conal Malone , he worked as a bouncer at on weekends , he was known as Liam.
January 4th, 2008 @ 6:12 am
sorry on weekends
January 4th, 2008 @ 7:58 am
I still like the nickname they gave Ratzinger when he made Pope – ‘The German Shepherd’.
Pity it didn’t stick.
Porridge – we had a ‘Bollock’ in our year as well. Which means that there’s a slight possibility that we went to school together – a prospect that frankly frightens the shit out of me.
January 4th, 2008 @ 8:21 am
In school there was Fowler, Bunyan, Tanner, Cluxton, Munny, Muckspreader, and teachers called Halfmoon, Bunny, Stumpy, Clown, the Monk, the Tool, Sherlock, and more.
January 4th, 2008 @ 8:35 am
There was a lad in our town know as “johnny brown cake” there was another called “pat the soldier” who I believe was never in the army and drove a truck all his life
January 4th, 2008 @ 8:45 am
I knew a bloke called “Zip” Nolan because he got his cock stuck in his fly at Boys Brigade camp. However,I later found out his real name was Timothy so I recokened any name was an improvement on that.
January 4th, 2008 @ 8:51 am
Karen Hoover. “Nothing sucks like an electrolux”
January 4th, 2008 @ 8:56 am
At school we called this young lad “Twenty Major” because he was a complete cunt, but funny with it.
January 4th, 2008 @ 9:43 am
Oh you, VoT.
Teachers nicknames were funny but I feel using teacher’s nicknames is too easy an identifier of where you went to school.
January 4th, 2008 @ 10:06 am
{ ok , but but where there any half man-half bovine Greeks ?}
Minotaur?
We had a teacher called Sack cos of his colostamy bag.
Kids are nice people. Kill one today
January 4th, 2008 @ 10:06 am
One bird in my class in sixth class was called The Pencil Parer because she was caught sticking a pencil in her gee. She’s still called that from time to time.
Another bloke in my class whose name was Eamonn Murphy was nicknamed ‘Murph’. I never did find out why.
January 4th, 2008 @ 10:18 am
And where I was brought up the local baker was called “The Bun Malone”
January 4th, 2008 @ 10:28 am
i know a girl called fingers.
For thievery rather than anything smutty (unfortunately)
January 4th, 2008 @ 10:31 am
I know of a guy in a nearby town called “Lips” cos one day him and his buddy were off drinking and they had seen william tell or something recently so they tried to do something similar with a shotgun and a fag.
The results were disappointing. (and also blew off his lips)
January 4th, 2008 @ 10:36 am
My friend is colloquially referred to as ‘Doc’ which is short for Dr. Doolittle. His nickname arises from his ability or more correctly inability with the fairer sex. When he did have occassion to strike up a conversation with a young dame in the vein hope of a little bit of gratuitous sex, Dr. Doolittles ability to ‘talk with the animals’ was frequently called into play; basically anything with a heart beat. He is married now … but that’s a different story.
January 4th, 2008 @ 10:39 am
I’ve talked to a fair few dogs and pigs in my time myself.
January 4th, 2008 @ 10:44 am
I’ve a mate called swine.
when he was 10 or so his big brother asked
“do you want to be called swine or tom”
he goes “tom”
brother goes “alright swine” …
then there was ‘shocksy’ who farted once in a tent at cub camp. he must be 45 now and still is ‘shocksy’
‘screw’. ’cause it rhymed with hugh when 6 years old. lucky fucker has been getting laid for 25 years on the back of it.
‘bubbles’ ’cause he could fart at will by sucking air in the back passage.
‘spa’ who broke his arm when 10 or so and looked a bit odd playing football.
i was stuck with ‘flash’ for a while cause i dropped a towel when changing for swimming.
-nc
January 4th, 2008 @ 10:46 am
’cause he could fart at will by sucking air in the back passage.
I can do that. I was a hero on my U12 football teams trip to Manchester.
January 4th, 2008 @ 10:57 am
Speaking of football and for no other good reason – this is rather amusing.
http://www.youtube.com/greeting_view?s=CjmcEXJTJg0&p=677283EB32C1D182
January 4th, 2008 @ 11:10 am
Similar fella who only had one bollock in our year, but we called him ‘Halfa’ as in ‘half a bag’.
January 4th, 2008 @ 11:17 am
Nicknames:
NineToes — So called because simply put he had nine toes. He used to have ten but he dropped a girder ob his foot thus liberating the little toe on his left foot. He works as a bar man in my local and has no problems in stripping his foot and planting it on the bar for all to see.
The Duck — So called because he has a speech impediment and when asked how things are going is oft to reply “sure it’s gweat quack”.
Our Lad — So called because everytime his father rings the pub looking for him he asks “is our lad there”.
Our Boy — Our Lads younger brother nuff said.
The Shroud — Named after the shroud of turin. He wore the same ould jumper for years.
Number 7 — This mans as thick as fuck with the social skills of a mule. Hence named after the jack ass in Grizzly Adams …
January 4th, 2008 @ 12:39 pm
I knew a guy called Richie, got stuck with the unfortunate nickname of “meballser”. Still don’t know why.
January 4th, 2008 @ 1:12 pm
“Jesus” aka my brother, as at 30 he’s still living with his parents and hangs around with 12 fellas!
January 4th, 2008 @ 1:15 pm
I knew a Porridge, so called ‘cos he was the only one willing to go “sloppy seconds” on the village bike. As in “stirring someone’s else’s ……….”
Sorry Porridge. It probably wasn’t you.
January 4th, 2008 @ 1:18 pm
There was a chap in my school called Scaldy Baldy. Nuff said.
January 4th, 2008 @ 1:21 pm
I knew a guy called ‘Shakey’.. He was an epileptic, which is obviously not amusing
January 4th, 2008 @ 1:23 pm
haha monkeyballs, that reminds me of a guy called Goldfinger,
cos on his first time fingering a girl, he chose the wrong hole ….
January 4th, 2008 @ 1:43 pm
There was a young fella lived round the corner from us. His da kept greyhounds and his nickname was ‘Wank the dogs’ because he was caught….well speaks for itself I suppose.
January 4th, 2008 @ 1:45 pm
I have a very well endowed sister whom we always called Thunder Tits. Always said she’d give herself two shiners if she ever took up running. She’s nearly 40 now and we still call her that. Pisses her right off too which is why we still call her that. And she really does have massive mammaries.
Then there was a teacher at school – gawd lov ‘im – called Mr O Houlihan who had a slight asian cast to the eyes or at least we reckoned he did. Called him Mr ChinkyBalls. I once heard that an unsuspecting parent (who most likely had never heard the man’s real name) attended a parent-teacher meeting and actually greeted his as Mr ChinkyBalls… bummer.
January 4th, 2008 @ 1:48 pm
Oh and there was a local fella called LickSpit… I dread to think…..
January 4th, 2008 @ 1:51 pm
And another fella we call ‘Chocolate Chuffer’ or more affectionately ‘that Wanker’. His real name’s Bertie Ahern. Some of you may have heard of him.
January 4th, 2008 @ 2:09 pm
There was a fella in our school who was called Pube. No idea why, but he was called Pube by everyone, even the teachers had to stop themselves from calling him Pube.
In college we had loads for various birds – Gestapo Agent (cos she looked like one of the Germans in Allo Allo), and a few self evident ones Toilet Brush head, Pulling blokes off, Russian Bread Woman, Lesbian biker chick from hell, Kathy blowjob, Codface, Chesty Morgan…..
January 4th, 2008 @ 2:10 pm
You knuckle-headed cunts wont get this, but theres a smokin hot chick where I work, shes half italian half chinese. The lads all call her Wanton-Parmesan.
January 4th, 2008 @ 2:14 pm
That’s a tough code to crack alright.
January 4th, 2008 @ 2:24 pm
Spark Plug (due to his singular testicle) Black Annie (reverse it go get the jist), Rusty Crotch and that girl that everyone shouted “The Bells!” at spring to mind.
January 4th, 2008 @ 2:25 pm
Oh, and of course Sweats. How could I forget Sweats?
January 4th, 2008 @ 2:41 pm
You Irish guys are much more clever with the nicknames over there than us over here in the states, where by and large, nicknames are just shortened last names.
But a kid in school once called me Pud. I kneecapped him. That was the end of that.
January 4th, 2008 @ 3:28 pm
I knew a guy called Brian Stone. At Uni he was given the nickname Brown Stain
January 4th, 2008 @ 4:12 pm
I had a protestant mate who we all called Jaffa. He was fine with that. However, a few years ago he found out he was firing blanks so we updated it to Seedless Jaffa. No-one ever had the guts to say it to his face.
January 4th, 2008 @ 4:26 pm
Aren’t Jaffas by their very nature seedless?
January 4th, 2008 @ 4:52 pm
There was a wanker in school with really bad eczema – so everyone called him Rasher – even his Mum!
January 4th, 2008 @ 8:00 pm
A mate of mine was out on a session with a few people from work. One girl said that her mate was coming in to join them and she hadn’t seen her in ages because she’d been out with ringworm.
“don’t tell her I told yis she’ll kill me”
so when she came in, me mate gets his phone out and stands up.
“i’m just off to ring Wormo, see if he’s coming in”
The rest of the night he had to pretend that he had a mate called Wormo.
So Wormo is the funniest. Even though he’s not real.
January 4th, 2008 @ 8:01 pm
Oh yeah.
A girl that used to drink down my local as known by everyone as ‘The Bench’ because she had a body like a welders bench.
‘check it out lads, here’s the Bench!”
January 4th, 2008 @ 8:24 pm
the guy with the stutter called OUTBOARD
D-D-D-D
January 4th, 2008 @ 11:14 pm
Same story – one testicle – known as Ceann Amhain
January 5th, 2008 @ 4:33 am
spud, or spud murphy.
dot.. Diminuitive teacher
miss piggy. those blond curls did not go amiss
Pot
On a more recent note;
porpoise head, bald fella
penuinsela head, the stage before porpoise
challupa
fat bill, overweight bill Clinton lookalike
January 5th, 2008 @ 9:24 am
Fannyface – has a goatee. Is also a cunt, so very appropriate.
Wah – artistic fellow whose name is actually Frank, called Francois because of artistic bent, shortened to Wah, because.
Kiwifruit (or sometimes monkeyman)- is somewhat hirsute.
Grunter – probably some reason.
January 5th, 2008 @ 11:04 am
Fannyface – has a goatee. Is also a cunt, so very appropriate.
Used to work with a guy who we referred to as MWT – minge with teeth. Jesus, he was one ugly cunt.
January 5th, 2008 @ 9:12 pm
I used to get called Flathead at school. Apparently someone must’ve thought I was renting out appartments on me bonce.
Fucking weirdos!!
January 6th, 2008 @ 12:10 am
Twenty, have you forgotten that you pretend to have a ‘fanny with teeth’ yourself?
I have total respect for any man (or woman) who grows a full, normal beard through negligence or laziness, but that “trimmed and shaped” look belongs to self-obsessed wankers with too many mirrors in the house.
January 6th, 2008 @ 9:35 am
I’ve been seventeen stone all me life. Just once I got caught in a drunken embrace with a farmyard animal, but do they call me fatty. No they do not.
January 6th, 2008 @ 7:59 pm
Tayballs, Rabada, Klinger, Johnny Faithful (who went out for a packet of fags and a pint of milk one evening and returned 18 months later with no other explanation than “They had no milk”), and my all time favourite: The Blacksmith. Because everytime it was his round he made a bolt for the door.
January 6th, 2008 @ 8:29 pm
i know this bird with six fingers on each hand and she is commonly known as “speed-dial”
ah the joy!
January 9th, 2008 @ 10:35 am
smelly tom.
it just sounds so right.
January 15th, 2008 @ 5:22 am
the FA cup- for his proturding ears
mantis- skinny cunt
flange.
May 20th, 2008 @ 9:59 am
My nickname is Goatfecker, but not for any… ‘Agricultural’ reasons. I went to my friends houseparty a long while back and retired to the boudiore with some blurry person and a bottle of Jack.
People swore they thought I had a goat in there from the noises she made.