I was out the other night with Sewage Steve, an old mate of mine who works in a sewage works. He removes human hair and other stuff from pipes when he’s on the nightshift and not vandalising the place and kicking doors in due to frustration at his job.
Anyway, we were having a few beers and he was telling me about his mate who is blind. We’ll call his mate Dave, because that’s his name. Some of the stories included:
- How they would draw on his face when he was drunk and he wouldn’t realise he was going to work with a swastikas and pictures of cocks and balls on his cheeks
- Dave and his brother (who has perfect sight) were very competitive so one day Dave was mouthing at his brother about how he was just as fast as he was. “Let’s have a race then”, said the brother and did the whole ready, steady, go thing. Dave took off down the road as his brother stood there laughing at him. Dave then ran into a parked car and permanently fucked up his knee, leaving him partially lame as well as blind.
- Local hardmen would come up to Sewage Steve in the pub and say ‘Does your mate have a problem with me? He’s been staring at me for 10 minutes’ and Steve would have to explain he was blind. Dave would never take his stick anywhere so nobody could really tell.
- Dave’s brother pulled a girl one night in a disco and brought her back to the house he shared. Dave deliberately stayed up all night chatting and talking while the brother gazed anxiously at the clock knowing he had to go to work soon. Despite being given many hints he didn’t budge and in the end the brother had to go to work. When he came home he found Dave had done what he’d been waiting all night to do.
However, there was one story which just left me creaming myself with laughter and I promised myself that even though I’d had a good number of pints I’d remember what it was. I was looking forward to telling you all, I was looking forward to repeating the story to the lads in the pub, and fucking cunt of cunts on it I’ve forgotten completely what it was.
Flaps.
I was walking through town today and I noticed that there was a sale on beds which immediately made me think is there ever a time of the year when beds are not for sale?
Answers on the back of a fifty Euro note please.
Huh first comment. Take that fuckers.
Yeah but it was shite first comment so it doesn’t count,fucker.
Flaps indeed,even when stone cold sober,which is always,I forget conversations that happened minutes ago, so don’t feel too bad ya drunk fucker.
Well Tommy when compared to that eclectic literary challege to everyday thinking how could I possibly win?
Love you. Bye.
I reckon I have more funny forgotten stories than anybody out there… Its just Ill never be sure..
that was like a series of lost – lots of buildup, interesting side stories and a big anticlimactic fuck all at the end. off to ron’s with you and don’t come back until you’ve re-remembered. fucking noddy.
I’ll never forget the time I had amnesia.
Forgetting stuff is so incredibly…
… I forget now. What is forgetting stuff so incredibly?
Shit?
Garlicky?
Forgettable?
do you ever get up to go do something in another room, then forget what you were supposed to do, and then do something pointless (like unplug a kettle or something) just because you can’t remember what your original purpose was?
anyway, i think you should use either “piss-flaps” or “beefy curtains” in future.
Off subject a little (it’s still fucking hilarious though)
Did I hear on the news this a.m. that Bertie took £16,500 from a guy in a pub and stuck it under his anorak? Seriously; is this a different batch of cash? Madness. Maybe I was dreaming.
Sort of like ‘the best story ever: A tribute’?
Seriously, lay off the smoker, if you want to keep your memory it has to be coke all the way. Sadly the stories are never funny, they’re always ‘that guy was such a fucking cunt…’
Christmas cheer: I was on the Luas the other morning at about half eight, jammers so it was, so full in fact that I had this young wan’s arse pressed right into me crotch for four stops. It took all my jedi powers to quell the return of the morning wood.
It was delicious though, a great way to kick off the day. Not as good as a blow job like, but good deal better than the spray of a cyclist’s back wheel in your puss.
I would hate that. I don’t like people touching me with their bottoms while on public transport.
MMN you should have bothered quelling anything, just grind off her with a full on boner and when she turns around just smile and say “Good Morning”
shouldn’t
I seem to have forgotten quite a lot in the past 24hrs but do remember sitting in a pub in Blackrock last night and thinking where the fuck are the rivers of coke everyone is bleating about, could have done with some to keep me going last night. I also seem to have forgotten my colleagues as I am the only fucking muppet to make it into work after our Xmas Lunch. Fucking lightweights: Scotland 1 Ireland 0
Yeah – don’t know whether to laugh at the new £16,500 (approx €50k now), despite the fact he had £70k in the bank, or laugh at the fact he had an anorak.
I really think we are being taken for a huge ride here. Its getting beyond a joke. How is this cunt still in power.
Oh – just to stick with the thread – I loved the way tv shows were censored in the states , so instead of “fuck you, man” – we got “forget you, man”.
i forget to tax my car all the time for the last two years
Yeah, I did that until I got stopped by the cops.
whats the fine for not paying your tax?
I don’t have any at the moment…
Depending on how long it’s been out they can confiscate your car.
I met a blind man one night with his (teeny weeny) guide dog and he was telling me how he has to put the dog in kennels around Halloween because the fireworks scare the bejaysus out of him (the dog)… which is very sad. I pissed myself laughing though. And so did he then (the blind man).
Actually, should that not be ‘visually impaired’? Standards are slipping around here.
What’s more frustrating is not being able to forget something you desperately want to.
Like that time I saw Mary Harney eating her lunch.
I saw Paul Williams wife smoking spliffs in front of her kids at a U2 gig in croke park a couple of years ago
I’m waiting to use that one on him
top tip for car tax dodgers get a rf2 form get it stamped by the piggies once a month to say it was off the road if you get pulled they just give you a €60 fine cheaper than forking out for tax all the time
Doesn’t work mate.
Twenty Old age is a cunt. I forgot to invite you to Beirut this year for the Party. Its on this saturday so not sure if you can make it.
I remember last year and the fun you had with Hezballah. Great times.
You keep the oddest company.
Cheers, MacD. Saturday is a bit short notice but give my best to Ahmed and Exploding Emil.
Ah it was a nice bottom to be touched with, belonging as it did to a fit young brunetter girl of a sub-25-year-old age. I imagined her to be exceptionally hot-looking as one always does when one sees the back of a fit looking woman.
We’ll end on that high note maybe.
johnny 5, how come you had the time to witness Mary Harney eating lunch ,hope you had food and drink for yourself , it sounds like a long seance!
Kev 1, i don’t think it would take that long, i’d say she swallows things whole, like a snake. (she is a politician….)
mmmm whole baby antelope when its still alive.
I didn’t hang around for the full show. I saw her bringing a BLT on toasted Ciabatta bread towards her gaping mouth and immediately admitted myself to hospital.
Where and when did you witness this sordid event?
It was in The White Horse Inn, Burgh quay a couple of months back.
I don’t want to talk about it.
@ puerile pish
you made it back to work after the xmas lunch and the Irish cunts didn’t?
I think thats Scotland 0 Irlande 20