Bad behaviour

by Twenty Major on November 24th, 2007

In 1983 Dirty Dave and Stinking Pete went off the rails a bit, culminating in an episode in town when they went on the rampage in The Old Stand pub.

As they entered they ejaculated wildly, cut up furniture and threw horse chestnuts at the patrons. When they were later caught by police Dirty Dave would only say “We came, we sawed, we conkered.”

Dave’s job application

by Twenty Major on November 23rd, 2007

*bring bring*

“Hello?”

“Hello Twenty, it’s me Dirty Dave.”

“What’s up, Dave.”

“Just applied for a new job.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t you want to know what it is?”

“No.”

“I’ll tell you anyway. I applied to be the manager of the England football team.”

“Why would you want to do that? If ever a job was a poisoned chalice it’s that one. The press intrusion into your life will be relentless, they’ll build you up and then just wait to knock you down again. Everything you do will be held up to incredible scrutiny and you’ll have cunts like Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson dissecting every decision you make. Then, of course, you’ll have to manage cunts like John Terry, Frank Lampard and Steven “Stevie G” Gerrard, and live with the spectre of 1966 hanging over you.”

“Yeah, it’s a no-win situation but they pay is great and even if you fuck it up, which I invariably will, you still get paid millions of pounds just to go away. How fucking thick are they?”

“Based on recent decisions I’d say just about thick enough to give you the job, Dave.”

“Hurrah”

*click*

A new way

by Twenty Major on November 23rd, 2007

“Good morning Mrs Jones, Mrs O’Leary and Mrs Magee. Thank you for coming at such short notice.”

“Well, this is very important, Mr HSE Official.”

“You’re right, Mrs O’Leary. This is vitally important. Firstly let me apologise for the way the HSE has handled this whole thing. It’s not right and we’ll do our utmost to make amends to you.”

“It has been terrible but if it helps to do the right thing from now on then I suppose that’s the best we can hope for.”

“Too true, Mrs Jones. Now, we’re seeing you in groups of three so that we can work through the backlog a bit quicker. Perhaps a problem shared is a problem halved, and all that.”

“I can’t really see how you can give someone half a breast cancer but there you go.”

“No, you’re right Mrs Magee. That was insensitive of me. I apologise for that.”

“In the spirit of goodwill I accept your apology.”

“Now, we have done all the tests again and sent them off to be double-checked and triple checked. I have them in front of me here but you also have them in an envelope in your hand.”

“Could you not just tell us?”

“I could but we’re trying to ensure that if there is bad news to be broken that we do it in the most sensitive way possible. We’re learning from our mistakes and we want to provide a top class service to women all over the country.”

“That sounds reasonable.”

“Yes, indeed it does. We realise having cancer is quite a shock so anything we can do to soften the blow is important. People need to be told in a sensitive, compassionate way and not, for example, hear it broadcast on the radio or via some political report.”

“You are right. None of us can argue with that.”

“Ok then. I’ll ask you to open your envelopes and those of you that don’t have cancer take a step forward.”

*sounds of ripping envelopes followed by relieved sobs. Mrs O’Leary, Mrs Magee and Mrs Jones all step forward*

“Mrs O’Leary, where do you think you’re going?”

Mary Harney is to the health service…

by Twenty Major on November 22nd, 2007

…what Karen Carpenter is to overeating.

Mary Harney’s so bad at her job even Nick Leeson is laughing at her.

The fat lady is singing, fat lady.

Still, I’m sure she could resign, move to Florida and get a nice job in Sea World. As a whale. Just in case that part wasn’t clear.

How to dispose of an orphan

by Twenty Major on November 22nd, 2007

I’m sure many of you are sitting down reading this wondering ‘How the hell am I going to get rid of the body of that orphan?’.

A recent survey shows that it’s one of our biggest worries, only slightly behind the falling property market and where to get the must-have toy of the festive season for our real children. Too many people fall into the trap of cliched waste disposal. Sure, you can go to the woods and dig a grave and cover the body with the quicklime but the risks are high.

Firstly you have to transport a body, then you have to dig a grave which could cause lower back pain then you have to spend time in the woods which could bring you face to face with a bear who will eat you before he’ll eat a dead body. Nobody wants to be eaten by a bear when trying to be environmentally friendly (orphans are biodegradable, you see).

Other methods include throwing it down a well, again tricky due to the transporting a cadaver in your vehicle. Too many conscientious people have been caught down the years with the so-called evidence in their cars. You can burn them but they smell, or you can pack them into a large drum and weld the top back on before drilling some holes in the top and dumping it into the sea (the drum fills up and sinks, you see). The dearth of 55 gallon drums makes that a difficult option.

Now, I can only tell you what works for me and hopefully it’ll be of some use to you. I simply cut them up into small pieces and when somebody comes to my house leaving a sticker and a plastic bag which says ‘Collection for orphans. Please leave outside front door this Monday’, I simply put piece of the orphan into these bags and let the orphan collectors take it away. Generally I’ll throw in a few old clothes too to ensure the damage to the limbs and torso is minimal. Given the prevelance of these sticker and plastic bag do-gooders you can safely dispose of a whole orphan inside a week.

Please, let me know how you get on and feel free to share this tip. Perhaps someone might even Digg it because this info is about as useful as anything else you find on there!!!

Ten years on

by Twenty Major on November 21st, 2007

Today they pay tribute to Michael Hutchence on the 10th anniversary of him being too off his nut to just have a normal, non-strangly wank.

Wouldn’t it have been a better tribute to have just started a new band and not replace Hutchence via the ever-respectable medium of reality TV so you could whore all the old songs around for another few years?

Maybe that’s just me.

Let’s face it, nobody is really interested in INXS with an X-Factor lead singer. It was Hutchence that made INXS even vaguely interesting. He was to INXS what Mark King was to Level 42. But once they can tour around and play ‘Need you tonight’ there’ll be enough cunts out there who’d pay for it.

I once saw INXS live in the Point and the only thing I can remember about it is that they played Tom Jones ‘What’s new pussycat’ as they made their entrance on stage.

Also, I once worked on a radio station in the 80s where one of the DJs insisted on pronouncing the band’s name ‘Inks’. I kid you not.

New Garda commissioner

by Twenty Major on November 21st, 2007

Taking over from the wonderful Noel Conroy is Garda Fachtna Murphy. An anagram of which is ‘Damp fraught anarchy’.

I wish it had been something like ‘Bunch of cunts’, but there you go.

What kind of a name is Fachtna anyway? Is there anybody born since 1950 called Fachtna? There must be loads of names that have died out over the years but I can’t think of any.

Irish justice

by Twenty Major on November 21st, 2007

A scumbag called  Ian Horgan raped and killed a young woman, Rachel Kiely, in Cork in 2000. He was convicted and sentenced to 12 years in prison. While out on bail in 2005 he robbed a Post Office with a slash hook and was given a further 8 year sentence. Lovely. Here’s the best bit though - the judge banned him from driving for 10 years. Fantastic. He’s going to be in jail until at least 2016 so slapping him with a driving ban will really teach him a lesson.

A former Garda who was caught with child pornography claimed he was merely trying to infect the child pornography sites with a virus. Somebody obviously needs to explain the difference between downloading images and videos of nude children and children ‘engaged in sexual acts’ and uploading a virus. The judge gave him a three year suspended sentence on the proviso that he keep the peace and not download any more child pornography. That’ll fucking teach him all right. Thankfully the cunt has MS now so hopefully he’ll suffer a long, painful descent into old age.

Bertie Ahern got a £20,000 unsecured loan from AIB despite the fact he had £50,000 in a safe at the time. No documentation about the loan can be found and according to the bank official Bertie just rang up one day, despite not being a customer of the bank, and got the loan on the back of the fact he was Minister for Finance. Imagine the loans he could get nowadays. Yet people blindly accept that Ahern’s finances are above board and in order.

I went to the chipper last night on the way home and ordered a single of chips, a battered sausage and spice burger. Despite the wonderful aroma I waited until I got home to start eating and when I emptied the contents of the vinegar soaked bag onto a plate I discovered that they had forgotten to give me the spice burger. Where is the fucking justice in this country?

Recycling is a swizz

by Twenty Major on November 20th, 2007

“There I was”, said Stinking Pete, “down at the old recycling place-”

“Benny”, said Jimmy the Bollix.

“- oh, haha. I like to do my bit for the environment. In years to come they’ll look back on people like you and say ‘Look how wilfully they neglected the whole global warming thing and now they’re dead. We must learn from the failings of our predecessors and these fuckers were like a brother-sister Eurovision entry they failed so badly’, and I can be smug and self-righteous”.

“But you’ll be dead too by the time that happens.”

“I’ll be smug in a nicer part of hell than you then.”

“I hope my part of hell is run on fossil fuels. All fumes and smoke and stuff.”

“Mine shall be fusion powered.”

“I’m going to collect all the plastic bags in my part of hell-”

“Ooh, good idea. Only paper bags.”

“-and then I’m going to burn them in a big pile along with a load of the plastic things that hold six-packs together.”

“My eternal suffering will not be a suffery as yours. So you can say what you want. Anyway, when I was down there putting away the glass this bloke came up to me when I was by the container for brown glass and he -”

“You mean you really put the brown glass in the brown container?”

“Yes. Of course.”

“And the green glass in the green container?”

“Of course. And the clear glass in the slightly grey looking container.”

“Hah. You poor cunt.”

“What do you mean?”

“Have you ever seen them collect the glass from the recycling places?”

“No.”

“Well, what they do is this, see. They drive up in a big truck and they hoist up the clear glass container and dump all the glass in the truck. Then they hoist up the green glass container and dump all the glass in the truck and finally, if you can believe this, they get all the brown glass and dump it in …yeah…the truck.”

“So the bottles are all mixed up?”

“Yep.”

“But why would they do that?”

“That’s just what they do.”

“Those … bastards. Why would they waste people’s time like that? It’s an effort enough as it is to bring the bottles down but then they take the piss out of us by making us separate one colour glass from the other when they just mix them all up again when they collect the fucking things.”

“That’s the way of it, Stinking Pete.”

“I have to say I’m quite furious indeed.”

“I don’t blame you.”

“I may have to reconsider my approach to this whole thing. I feel rather betrayed by the cause now.”

“You can be like a villain in a superhero thing. You know, you’ve been so utterly lied to and deceived by the glass separation lobby for so long that you could be the ultimate anti-environmentalist.”

“Well, I’m certainly not going to take the lids off jars in the future.”

“Leave the tap running when you brush your teeth.”

“I already do that. I always remember too late.”

“Leave the other tap running then.”

“I have one of those taps that’s left for cold and right for hot and is just one tap instead of a tap on each side of the sink.”

“Oh. Burn tyres in a drum in your back garden.”

“Ahhh, like the old days.”

“Those weren’t tyres, Pete. Those were orphans.”

“I like to think of them as tyres, Jimmy. Tyres don’t scream.”

Scrape screeeeeech shudder

by Twenty Major on November 19th, 2007

You know the way someone dragging their nails down a blackboard can make some people shiver and get the horrors? The same with scraping cutlery off a plate.

Irritating but not maddening for me. However, I discovered another one - a toothbrush that’s almost worn out making that same sound when rubbed off your back teeth. Urgh.