Kegs
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on November 30th, 2007
Thievin’ Terrence came into Ron’s. He’s the thievingist fucker I ever met in my life. I once saw him steal someone’s sense of youthhful optimism, and there aren’t too many who can do that.
He came up to the bar.
“Howya, Twenty?”
“Fine Thievin’ Terrence, how are you?”
“Ah sure, you know. Ignorance is bliss and all that.”
“Get your hands where I can see them, you fucker.”
“Hahaha, fool me once, eh Twenty?”
“Just get away from me. You could will the wallet out of a Cardinal’s back pocket.”
“Is Ron around?”
“He’s changing the keg on the Guinness.”
“Ah good, it was beer I wanted to talk to him about.”
So we shot the breeze for a while. I kept all valuables as close to me as possible. I even made sure I didn’t think about anything bad because that fucker could steal your thoughts, the slippery cunt. Ron came back then.
“Ron”, says Thievin’ Terrence, “I may have just what you’re looking for.”
“Damien Rice’s heart on a stick?”
“No. Beer. Few kegs came my way yesterday. Thought you might be interested.”
“I may well be. I’ll take the Guinness.”
“Sorry Ron, I sold the Guinness to Charlie down in Kilmainham.”
“Fuck ya. Give me the Carlsberg then. It’s a bit gay but I can fool them into drinking it at some stage.”
“No can do. The Carlsberg went to old Mick up in Rialto.”
“Then what the fuck have you got?”, asked Ron.
“Budweiser. All yours, great price too.”
“Budweiser”, said Ron.
“Yeah”, said Thievin’ Terrence.
“Why would you come here and try and sell me Budweiser? Do you think I’m a cunt?”
“No, Ron. I just thought-”
“Do you think I’m a cunt?”
“No. Honestly, it was just that-”
“Because who drinks Budweiser, Terrence?”
“I - er - uhm…”
“Who drinks Budweiser?”
“Cunts, Ron. Cunts drink Budweiser.”
“And you think I’d let cunts who drink Budweiser in my bar, because there’s no other reason you’d try and sell me Budweiser. You think I’ve got a market for it and if I let the kind of cunt who drinks Budweiser in here then that would make me a cunt and that’s why I’m asking why you’d come here and try and sell me Budweiser.”
“I … I’m sorry, Ron.”
“Hold him there, Twenty.”
“Now wait, Twenty. Let go. Come on, please. Let go. Please let me go. Let me go, let me go.”
“Good man, Twenty.”
“Not the cellar, Ron. God. Jesus. Not the cellar.”
So Ron took Thievin’ Terrence down to the cellar and that was in 2001. Nobody’s seen him since.
“Cunts drink Budweiser.” TRUE - Now Why don’t they use that as their new AD and tell the fucking truth for once.
November 30th, 2007 at 12:34 am
harsh but fair…..and it’s not just that bud pish either….our lot at work have got all giddy about all these fancy European beers like Warsteiner which you HAVE to pronounce with a v instead of a w. And then you have that Mexican pish Corona which you HAVE to put a lime into. I cant cope. In the old days it was pint or half end of fucking story…….okay there was shandy but we didn’t get many English in those days…….
November 30th, 2007 at 12:53 am
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God be with the days when I asked for a drop of water in my Powers and was told by Austin the curate “If ye want ta drink fuckin cocktails, go inta da lounge wit’ de wimmin, yeh fuckin quee-yor.” Didn’t do THAT again in a hurry.
November 30th, 2007 at 1:02 am
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If he was as thieving as all that couldn’t he have stolen an opportunity to knee you in the goolies and scarper?
Or he could have stolen Ron’s heart causing him to fall in love and grant his freedom. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t been seen. Maybe Ron is keeping Thieving Terrence in a luxurious love-nest down in the cellar. How long’s it taking him to change a barrel these days?
November 30th, 2007 at 1:09 am
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I really hope Ron never reads that comment, Sam. You’ll be in big trouble. Ron has a Chinaman to change the barrels for him these days.
Best €2,999.99 he ever spent, he says. They’re self-cleaning, you know.
November 30th, 2007 at 1:14 am
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FYI Bud is now the biggest selling beer in Ireland.
“steal someone’s sense of youthhful optimism’-great line 20. Orignal? If so., I may just buy your book.
November 30th, 2007 at 1:36 am
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“FYI Bud is now the biggest selling beer in Ireland.”
Crikey, how depressing. What does that say about a nation?
November 30th, 2007 at 2:07 am
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It says the nation doesn’t like beer anymore.
November 30th, 2007 at 2:57 am
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budweiser tastes like an old woman smells - of old persons perfume. In canada we get guiness in a can, i use it for cooking. Ron needs to be proactive.
November 30th, 2007 at 5:52 am
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not that i’d know of course, i’ve never drank any budweiser, or any other beer that I don’t like the taste of.
November 30th, 2007 at 6:06 am
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Phthoo! Ron don’t scare me none, mister. Rowdy Dublin punters aren’t as scary as one baby flea on the hairy arse of even the sissiest flaneur lurching around the bars of Ojai looking for Trouble with a capital Tuh. To work in this town you have to have HATE studded on your forehead and PAIN tattooed on your shrivelled soul. Oh yeah, uh-huh. I could take Ron any time using only low cunning and judicious parry ‘n’ riposte with a cocktail umbrella. He’ll pee like a watering can for the rest of his painful days. Then I’d laugh as I poured lime juice on the wounds and finish him off with a great big badass maraschino cherry.
November 30th, 2007 at 7:11 am
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You may think the 7000 miles between us is emboldening my talk but believe you me, even if I were in the same room right now, why, I’d stalk right up to Ron and declare him to be a great big jessie with seasonally scented drawer-sachets and a comprehensive skin-care routine. You can tell him that from me!
*Runs away*
November 30th, 2007 at 7:13 am
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Carlsberg don’t do robberies but if they did …
November 30th, 2007 at 9:27 am
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I’ll tell him, Sam, but you’ll have made an enemy for life. If you ever came in the bar he’d serve you a mojito made with listerine.
November 30th, 2007 at 9:35 am
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I think he must have escaped:
http://www.independent.ie/national-news/thief-drives-out-of-guinness-with-40000-pints-1233179.html
November 30th, 2007 at 9:45 am
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Bud is piss, but Erdinger… now there is a tasty beer.
Germans are good at several things : war, speaking their horrible guttural language and making beer.
Fair fucks I say.
November 30th, 2007 at 10:11 am
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‘Carlsberg don’t do robberies but if they did …’
haha
November 30th, 2007 at 10:30 am
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“Pint of Bass please.”
“That’ll be €45,000. Or $45,000 if you haven’t got it”
*burp
November 30th, 2007 at 11:00 am
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“bud is piss” - quite true. they have a whole army of clydesdales and some really customised milking machines. why do you think the brewery is so close to smithfield and the horse markets?
November 30th, 2007 at 11:59 am
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I’d say those kegs of Guinness are delicious and un-cold by now…. Do you know how difficult it is to get a pint of Guinness that hasn’t been frozen through in Dublin? VERY. Not even available in the Guinness Storehouse… that doesn’t make any sense. You can’t taste the delicious hoppyness of it for the coldness..
November 30th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
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By fuck, but I’d love a pint of Harp right now…
November 30th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
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There was a great program on RTE 1 before live at 3 on a Wednesday called the beer hunter …
a guy with a big beard travelling the world dipping his lips and bits of his beard into pints of beer …I was 16 at the time and christ did he put a demon thirst on anyone watching his show
pity the guy recently died
http://michaeljacksonthebeerhunter.blogspot.com/
November 30th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
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Ha! My favourite!
Hard as nails. Hard as nails.
November 30th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
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Why is drinking budweiser like an Indian making love in a canoe?
Its fucking close to water.
November 30th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
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What is Buddha’s favorite beer
Bud of course.
Knock Knock
Whose there?
Bud
Bud Who?
Bud Garry Glitter now F off
November 30th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
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I know makes no sense but a medal to the guy who stole the trailer load of beer out from under Arthurs Nose.
Imagine the size of his balls
Women of Ireland he is the man for you.
But I would also interrogate the security guard to determine his involvement.
November 30th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
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