Orange you glad you read this blog?
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on November 28th, 2007
Sunday night Dirty Dave came to me looking for advice. Normally I would listen intently to what he says and then provide him with the kind of advice that would provide us with comedy moments for years to come. However, this time I felt I should do the right thing and help him out.
In fairness there’s only so many times you can have a man arrested/hospitalised/traumatised/circumcised. He said he had to go to an important family function with his brother, Shiny Simon, and that his only suit was now too narrow for his waist due to overconsumption of mini Battenburgs. A trip to the tailors saw them let out slightly but he still needed rapid weight loss in just a few days.
Having considered the situation for some moments I gave him my top-secret weight loss tip. A pointer so very pointy that I should have kept it to myself, written a self-help book and started a whole industry like that fat cunt Atkins or Johnny Weightwatcher. ‘What could it be?’, I hear you ask. ‘Is it some kind of amphetamine?’ It is not. It is entirely natural. ‘Is it some kind of strange Amazonian nettle?’ It also is not. These were the questions Dave was asking too until I couldn’t stand the sound of him any longer and I just told him straight out.
Satsumas. He was dubious. And who can blame him? How could sweet, juicy satsumas bring about such drastic weight loss. My prescription was thus: Buy one bag of Satsumas (should contain 12-15 satsumas), bring them home then eat them all in one sitting. Then let nature take its course. He said he would give it a try but wasn’t hopeful, as experience has taught him that advice administered by me is not always as effective as I insist it is.
Last night Dave came into Ron’s and slapped me on the back and pointed to the pants which were part of his only suit. They might as well have been tailored to his very specifications they hung so well upon his ghastly frame.
“Fair fucks to you Twenty”, he said. “I wasn’t expecting this to work at all but it did. I ate the satsumas and within hours I was crapping myself stupid on the toilet. Well, actually the first one dribbled out a bit before I made it to the toilet but I was only in Tesco so nobody noticed. For 12 hours I shat and shat and shat and I swear to God you could insert the whitest of white things up my arse and it would come out clean, such is the enematacular effect of the simple satsuma. It’s colonic irrigation without having a pipe shoved up your hole. You sir, are a true friend. I must buy you a drink.”
And he did buy me a drink and the drink was good and I drank the drink. So, if any of you are fat cunts and need to lose weight, just eat lots of satsumas. You’ll thank me when your ringpiece stops burning, I promise.
A friend of mine invented a diet when he discovered he was turning into a fat bastard - it started, ‘Sleep till two p.m……..’
Probably not as effective as the satsumas, possibly could be used in conjunction with, though.
November 28th, 2007 at 9:49 am
You didn’t say whether the satsumas had to be peeled or not.
November 28th, 2007 at 10:27 am
1
Of course they have to be peeled. Why would you eat the skin of a satsuma? That makes no sense.
November 28th, 2007 at 10:36 am
2
Why do you call them satsuma and not mandarins?. I thought the latter was the better know.
November 28th, 2007 at 10:46 am
3
A tangerine dream.
November 28th, 2007 at 11:16 am
4
I think this applies to oranges in general.
I have an orange every day for lunch after a sambo. Its great fun, I fart the smelliest of smelly farts. And the best thing is there usually silent. I have the orange about 2pm and by 3.30pm the office is stinking. My colleagues aren’t impressed but they don’t know its me, I think. I quite like the smell
November 28th, 2007 at 11:17 am
5
Here’s a tip,
If you have been out on the beer all night and have to go to work the following morning and you stink of stale booze? Well, just eat an orange before going to work.
It gets rid of the stink and if you eat several you can skive off in the jacks while nature takes it natural detoxifying course.
Drinking orange juice won’t work though.
November 28th, 2007 at 11:51 am
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a national day of protest is being held on 7th December 2007, check out http://www.digoutday.com/
November 28th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
7
a national day of protest against satsumas?
November 28th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
8
not just satsumas but all orange/citrus bases products and goods. Take that jaffa…….what?
November 28th, 2007 at 1:10 pm
9
“Orange you glad you read this blog?”
That’s a worse pun than the Easons one yesterday!
November 28th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
10
The crime-caper author, Donald Westlake, in his great book, Trust Me On This, invented a beer and chip diet. it’s nice.
November 28th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
11
Why hasn’t anyone come up with a word that rhymes with orange by now? There has to be someone out there in Twentyland who should be able to come up with one, especially while trying to pass a constipated log!
November 28th, 2007 at 4:56 pm
12
George rhymes with orange does it not ?
November 28th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
13
You could start growing your own oranges and market them as laxatives. Get an add on the telly showing somebody (Maggot) suffering from constipation; give them the oranges and happy days. You need a jingle or theme I know I know “the futures bright the futures orange” or swap bright with shite. The entrepreneurial possibilities are endless.
Ok I am going.
November 28th, 2007 at 5:51 pm
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“George rhymes with Orange, does it not?”
Yes, it does not.
November 28th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
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“So, if any of you are fat cunts and need to lose weight, just eat lots of satsumas. You’ll thank me when your ringpiece stops burning,”, Mary (I took the Heal out of Health) Harney take note.
November 28th, 2007 at 11:32 pm
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Door Hing rhymes with Orange
November 29th, 2007 at 6:04 pm
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Door Hinge fuck Im wasted
November 29th, 2007 at 6:06 pm
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