How to dispose of an orphan
Posted on | November 22, 2007 | 46 Comments
I’m sure many of you are sitting down reading this wondering ‘How the hell am I going to get rid of the body of that orphan?’.
A recent survey shows that it’s one of our biggest worries, only slightly behind the falling property market and where to get the must-have toy of the festive season for our real children. Too many people fall into the trap of cliched waste disposal. Sure, you can go to the woods and dig a grave and cover the body with the quicklime but the risks are high.
Firstly you have to transport a body, then you have to dig a grave which could cause lower back pain then you have to spend time in the woods which could bring you face to face with a bear who will eat you before he’ll eat a dead body. Nobody wants to be eaten by a bear when trying to be environmentally friendly (orphans are biodegradable, you see).
Other methods include throwing it down a well, again tricky due to the transporting a cadaver in your vehicle. Too many conscientious people have been caught down the years with the so-called evidence in their cars. You can burn them but they smell, or you can pack them into a large drum and weld the top back on before drilling some holes in the top and dumping it into the sea (the drum fills up and sinks, you see). The dearth of 55 gallon drums makes that a difficult option.
Now, I can only tell you what works for me and hopefully it’ll be of some use to you. I simply cut them up into small pieces and when somebody comes to my house leaving a sticker and a plastic bag which says ‘Collection for orphans. Please leave outside front door this Monday’, I simply put piece of the orphan into these bags and let the orphan collectors take it away. Generally I’ll throw in a few old clothes too to ensure the damage to the limbs and torso is minimal. Given the prevelance of these sticker and plastic bag do-gooders you can safely dispose of a whole orphan inside a week.
Please, let me know how you get on and feel free to share this tip. Perhaps someone might even Digg it because this info is about as useful as anything else you find on there!!!
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46 Responses to “How to dispose of an orphan”
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November 22nd, 2007 @ 9:10 am
You have finally managed to freak me out. You didn’t happen to be in Portugal this summer?
November 22nd, 2007 @ 9:34 am
Yeah, what’s the freakin deal with those plastic bag fuckers? It used to be a case where we got one plastic bag every 6 months, now every morning I can’t get out the fuckin door for piles of plastic bags looking for my cast aways. How big do they think my fucking wardrobes are?
November 22nd, 2007 @ 9:40 am
Take one orphan , package it in a box, wrap in bubble wrap and post to:
Any Self Righteous Film Star
C/O Hollywood
JOB DONE!!!
NOTE: will only work with African and Asian Orphans, please refer back to original post for disposal of any other ethnic group orpgans
November 22nd, 2007 @ 9:40 am
What’s with the multiple exclamation marks? Are you a teenage girl now? Or my mother?
November 22nd, 2007 @ 9:45 am
It was a little dig at Digg.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 9:47 am
Thank you for clearing that up.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 9:50 am
You are more than welcome. I’d hate to think you’d think of me as a teenage girl.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 10:08 am
Those plastic bags really are a feckin scourge. I’d prefer if they posted orphans in my letterbox….and if I ever spot the flying ninja bastards who deliver the bags I’ll let them know.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 10:16 am
The word Cadaver is so underused it’s fucking criminal.
Well done, you.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 10:40 am
Surely it would be more economical to use all those plastic bags for clothing rather than them piling up on doorsteps, and wearing out the shoe leather of said ninjas. Stupid fuckers.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 10:51 am
I wear my clothes to destruction. It’s more eco-friendly.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 11:12 am
Mmm, I always wondered why my local orphanage had an assembly line and the little interns had bolts through their necks.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 11:15 am
Hi Twenty, just a quick hello from a new reader of yours.
I stumbled across your blog the other day while bored between repairs at work, and I’ve somewhat addicted since.
I’m sitting at my bench now in work giggling away at our older posts, it’s a good way to cheer yourself up from the shite Scottish weather.
Take care mate,
Kipper
November 22nd, 2007 @ 11:22 am
A small technical point. Quickline won’t actually make the body dissolve faster. It actually preserves it. What it does do is keep the smell down. Which may or may not be useful. I guess it depends on the weather.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 11:22 am
Kipper,
I think I speak for all regular commentators on this blog when I say, stick your kind words up your fat, sweaty, ginger, Scottish arse.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 11:29 am
Fair play, Kipper, that’s the friendliest greeting I’ve ever seen from Johnny5.
Thanks for the info SK. What makes a body dissolve faster then?
November 22nd, 2007 @ 11:32 am
Acid. Lye. Sodium Hydroxide. Don’t ask.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 11:36 am
Actually -and if you have room-if you just leave a body out, exposure does a pretty quick job too. Decomposition happen at a much faster rate when exposed to the elements.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 11:39 am
Although I should point out there are variables to that too, rain, clothing, injury, humidity. Just saying.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 11:41 am
Sure, just saying.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 11:52 am
I get those bags collecting for Land Mine victims, and I know that some of the people who do the collecting are not as honest as they would like us think they are, and they might sell my donated stuff to people who are not Land Mine victims, so to encourage them not to take advantage of my good nature I fill a bag with coats, shirts,and ganseys, with the left arms cut off, and jeans, trourser, and trackie bottoms with the left legs cut off, and all right foot shoes and boots, then in a few months time I fill a bag with items of the oppositive design!
So if any one needs leg warmers or arm warmers Iv’e got a pile of them, this good deeding is great fun!
November 22nd, 2007 @ 11:55 am
Stick the bodies in a trawler, sink it and recover it a few months later and just like magic the bodies have dissapeared.
Beat that Copperfield you cunt.
Oh and Johnny5 there a more ginger fuckers over here than in Scotland, and at least the Scots ones don’t have webbed feet you inbred mutant.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 11:57 am
Now now, Peurile Pish, pure bred mutant. Not inbred, pure bred.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 12:00 pm
Good lord, I’ve exposed Puerile Pish as a jock.
you poor unfortunate man, I can see why you’re upset.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 12:03 pm
Orphans are OK, but Iv’e never been able to eat a whole one, so them bags are for the left overs?
November 22nd, 2007 @ 12:04 pm
‘What makes a body dissolve faster then?’
Coca Cola. 100 Litres will disolve a small child in 3 days and it is actually more palatable to drink afterwards.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 12:33 pm
Seal your orphan in a discarded cardboard box, preferably one that once held a domestic electrical appliance. Place it on the ground for 2 mins, anywhere in the vicinity of Tallaght.
Viola! -It’s someone else’s problem now.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 12:44 pm
Sweeney Todd had the right idea. If you don’t know any pie makers, then see if you can cut a deal with the local Chinese/Indian/kebab restaurant.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 12:55 pm
The best way would (hypothetically) be to dissolve the corpse in acid, initially. Not making the mistake John Haigh did though in using industrial acid, as bone, teeth, false artifacts will not dissolve completely. I guess the bits left over could be smashed up with a pestle and mortar and sold in overpriced make up products for older women. Maybe you could burn the body parts too before the sulphuric acid. Hmm, one for a rainy afternoon.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 1:02 pm
orphans are much better to eat than non orphans, as a lack of parents means no food and therefore nice lean meat.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 1:05 pm
Yes, those plastic bag fellas should understand that ten minutes on here can save a whole lot of shoe leather. See you later lads.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 1:06 pm
Why not give Walshes a ring? After yesterday’s free publicity for spice burgers there’s bound to have been an upsurge in sales.
As far as I know they accept anything except metal.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 1:10 pm
Place it on the ground for 2 mins, anywhere in the vicinity of Tallaght.
Viola! -It’s someone else’s problem now.
Monkey Balls – what does a violin have to do with orphans? Do the people of Tallaght play stringed instruments while they eat the orphans or what? Do they? Do they?
November 22nd, 2007 @ 1:14 pm
damn you monkey balls, you beat me to it.
I was about to suggest orphan flavoured spice burgers.
limited offer Maddy flavoured spice burgers, “while stocks last”
November 22nd, 2007 @ 1:14 pm
Excuse-moi SM. Je suis tres desole.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 1:14 pm
Those plastic bags are for free refuse collection.
Dont waste them on those silly little bastards.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 1:30 pm
Nah Twenty yous is outa step: Take the corpse to yer local pig farm they eats anything, sell the clothes and give the plastic bags to Puerile that way everybody (excuse the pun) profits :-)
November 22nd, 2007 @ 1:42 pm
My limbs will go out tomorrow,
Bet your bottom torso that tomorrow,
Come what may..
November 22nd, 2007 @ 2:25 pm
Thanks Groucho, I can use them and a cardboard box for my “Touring Round Europe as Scots Stereotype” tour. Where I lie in the street drinking special brew and shout abuse at passers by.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 3:53 pm
Doesn’t Basterdface like orphans? Beats buying that expensive dogfood.
November 22nd, 2007 @ 4:08 pm
Puerile, will you be wearing a string vest ala Rab C? Perhaps I can join you on the second leg of the tour, wearing an Aaron jumper while playing the tinwhistle and doing a hornpipe. Wot Larks!
And also, DAMN YOU FLATLEY!
November 22nd, 2007 @ 8:14 pm
The McCann babysitting agency advertise this as a specialty..
November 23rd, 2007 @ 6:28 am
There’s only one way: sky burial.
If you don’t know what it is, google it.
And it can be done in Ireland.
November 25th, 2007 @ 1:39 pm
very nasty and insensitive
December 1st, 2007 @ 10:35 am
You’re new here, Claire, aren’t you?
July 13th, 2008 @ 8:40 pm
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