“Twenty”, said Dirty Dave, “I couldn’t help overhearing you say that you had finally finished the final draft of the book.”
“Ah yes, fair play to you for overhearing that when I WAS TALKING DIRECTLY TO YOU.”
“Thing is though. I’m a bit worried.”
“Worried about what?”
“Well, a number of things.”
“Such as?”
“Do I die in the book?”
“I can’t tell you that.”
“Oh Jesus. I do die.”
“No, I just can’t tell you that. You’ll have to wait until it comes out and read it yourself. I don’t want to spoil the surprise.”
“But if I didn’t die what would be the problem in just telling me?”
“Look, I know you’re not the most patient person and you sit panting at your front door for the postman whenever you’re expecting a letter but you’ll just have to wait. End of story. Why so anxious though?”
“I’m worried that if I die in the book I might die in real life too.”
“What?”
“You know the way they say that if you dream you die then you really do die. It could be the same!”
“How can anyone who has dreamt they died and actually died ever managed to tell anyone that if you dream you die you really die?”
“I don’t know! It’s just common wisdom.”
“So is advice from Twink.”
“The other thing I’m worried about is that if I don’t die and I do something heroic in the book then it will make me famous.”
“Right.”
“And you know I’m a man who likes to keep a low profile. How will I cope if everywhere I go there are thousands of screaming girls? I’m no David Cassidy, Twenty. I don’t think I could handle that.”
“I’m pretty sure you won’t have to worry about that part, Dave.”
“Oh no! I am going to die, aren’t I?”
“Weeeeell, nah. It’s not fair to say.”
“Oh come on! Tell me. Tell me.”
“I’m afraid it’s too late. There’s nothing I can do to change the manuscript now. You’ll have to just bide your time and see what happens.”
“Fuuuuck. I don’t want to die in real life, Twenty.”
“You might die soon enough if you don’t shut the fuck up.”
“Twenty?”
“What?”
“If you were to accidentally run over one of those lads who sell the Evening Herald at the traffic lights of an evening, is it racist?”
I was thinking Twenty, although it might be too late now if you have the publishing contract signed but wouldn’t it be great if you did with your book like Radiohead did with their recent album, Rainbows, and give us, the people, the opportunity to choose how much we wanted to pay for it.
I mean, we’re all honest here in this comments box. Most lads here would proably give you a couple of hundred Euro, at least. Granted, the economy is slowing down a bit and we’re a bit stretched these days but, I dunno, give human kind a chance. Give us, the fans, this opportunity to say thanks. A big warm thanks for everything.
Give us a proper chance to show the love.
heh
It might be just me but I feel that Radiohead already having millions and millions of pounds contributed somewhat to their decision to market their album in that way.
yer man at Wood Quay would be first on my list of racist murders. FIRST on the fucking list.
If you get on Pat Kenny to publicise the book, will you give one to everybody in the audience? I always wanted the opportunity to do that. Then say, “but there’s none for you Pat, because you’re a cunt!
Get some serious publicity milage out of that move.
“I mean, we’re all honest here in this comments box”
Are you fucking kidding? He would get fifty quid, a half smoked joint and one of Johnny5′s used condoms which had probably been used on some heinous depraved act.
-act
+ cat
All I want for Christmas is to see you on Tubridy Tonight.
Not going to happen.
Or Pat Kenny either. I’m not a TV person.
I expect that Twenty would prefer to be seen on Claire Byrne tonight, ELCC.
Are you a radio person twenty,will we hear you on tubridy in the morning. Will you be doing these signings at easons and waterstones and maybe a reading or two.Just how far are you prepared to go to make the book a success.If the answer to all of the above is no,does your publisher know?
If Twenty has any sense he will learn from what happened to John Lennon and keep a low profle.
Don’t encourage her, “Lung”, please.
I can do radio. I might even do a book signing. I don’t know. I suppose that all depends on the publicators.
That’s also a good point, Maggot. Hmmm.
If he can avoid marrying a hateful old whore like John Lennon he will be fine…Oh and keep away from Tallaght to avoid being shot,
I think the Garda should be looking at Dick Cheney for the latest face shooting incident…he has a track record.
Once you are published you may get an invite for the Panel…feel free to accept and “panel” the fuckers heads in, that would be the funniest they have been for a long while.
You could always employ the Adolf Strategy and use a body double – if you know somebody gullible enough …
Be interesting to see what kind of PR you do around this book of yours all right. You could probably do one of those live online discu… oh yeah.
Bet you’re a posh Trinity graduate though. Still, so is everyone else who posts on Irish websites. Who knows? Before you know it you could be the darling of Irish society, glad-handing the glum-erati as they come to the opening night of your breakthrough play ‘Twenty Major versus 200 Marlboro Lights that Doddy brought back from Dubai’ – a tale of bad language and begrudgery set against a backdrop of legal action and expensive barristers. The drama unfolds as our protagonist Twenty – Score to his buddies – stands on the brink of financial ruin in the courts for insulting a rich, horse-faced southside girl. Just as our hero is about to be disbarred from all gainful employment and any means of continuing a reasonable existence, it emerges that the villainous Rozilla Liposucket has starved her Filipino to death and will be charged with murder.
The play will be recognised as an insightful metaphor about how Western society generally fucks poor people over while the rich make laws to suit themselves.
So go on Twenty give us relief does Dave die in yer book ?
Is Bertie in the book and do you take your revenge on the cunt by having him wake up in bed with Hippo Harney ?
I can’t tell you what happens to Dave in the book. He might be reading the blog.
Bertie is not in it.
MMN – Trinity Graduate. heh.
if you run over a illegal immigrant you get a gold star on your licence i have 10. smelly cunts
Although you do not get a gold star, I would have thought running over pikeys would be more smelly and satisfying
Twenty. I’ll be buying it and some for my friends too, but…..
Are you annoyed that you missed the Christmas market and did your publisher give out shite to you?
no you only get a copper star for running them over .
smelly inbred cunts
i wish youd shut up about your book. What about my book that I havent finished (or started). Not a word about that. Its about and alcoholic warrior who regains his position in life and sexes a girl half his age.
alcoholic warrior who regains his position in life and sexes a girl half his age.
sounds plagiaristic
whatever it is your referring too I wrote that aswell
whatever it is your referring too I wrote that aswell
haha
Are you annoyed that you missed the Christmas market and did your publisher give out shite to you?
It was their decision to publish post-Christmas.
You don’t get a copper star for running over a pikey,you get a nasty stain on your car that won’t leave untill you pay up.
I’d buy your book Ibanez, especially the sex bit.
Will signed copies be available ?
Signed by who?
I envisage Twenty performing a live reading of the book with Damien Rice providing the soundtrack while Amy Winehouse performs fellatio on Mr Major who is dressed in Katy French’s used lingerie. Waterstones perhaps?
Signed by who?
erm, the author.
p.s – today’s Sun has some Wanker claiming Amy Winehouse is slowly becoming a Helen Shapiro look-alike!
Will you be having excerpts in that most august of journals: the RTE guide?!
If I ask a question will you answer it?
erm, the author.
Not sure if we know how to find him.
I doubt it’d fit the RTE Guide’s style to be honest.
Sarah, I might.
Oh look, I just did.
Amy Winehouse…..mmmmmm….she’s gorgeously amazingly gorgeously talented, yum
anyhow, from yesterday – I sent Bertie a teabag in a brown envelope with a little note. I also drew a dollar sign on 1 side, sterling on reverse…(bloody difficult with a marker with all those little holes and the material is difficult to work with. I didn’t sign it but I left one of my ginger pubes in it. I hope an amy house lookalike opens it in kildare street.
freedom is winnin’!
“Or Pat Kenny either. I’m not a TV person.”
Have yiz not seen the recent photo of himself with the busted head? Definitely a face for radio!
“Have yiz not seen the recent photo of himself with the busted head? Definitely a face for radio!”
I am sure we all agree, but unfortunately RTE keep letting him host the Late Late
Can I be your distributor
If it were my book I’d have had Dave killed off pronto – a nice clean neck-break or something – no messing. The if I missed him I could have him come out of the shower and it all be a dream. Right enough though, it’s a bit far fetched. I’d have him come out of the Gents instead, for more very similar itude.
I don’t know anything about distribution mind, but I could be your North American strewer. I’m very positive with a can-do attitude, go-go-go and a winning grimace. And I can strew like the wind. Please Twenty, gisajob, otherwise it’s a just a satsuma in a sock for the nippers again this year.
And gruel.
And sad, brave little eyes.
You spoil those childer PCB.