Monthly Archives: November 2007
The people that care
Walking through town today. A blind man is standing at a bus stop, as are about twenty other people. A bus pulls up. They get on. Not one of them thinks to ask the blind man if he’s looking for … Continue reading
Hard as nails
Woke up this morning with absolutely nothing in the house to eat. I’ve been meaning to do some shopping since October but haven’t gotten around to it. As well as that I was starving so I popped around to Ron’s … Continue reading
Kegs
Thievin’ Terrence came into Ron’s. He’s the thievingist fucker I ever met in my life. I once saw him steal someone’s sense of youthhful optimism, and there aren’t too many who can do that. He came up to the bar. … Continue reading
Harney and Bertie – a marriage made in poo
So the Government managed to quash the Labour party’s motion of no confidence in Minister for Health, Mary Harney. It really does make you wonder quite how badly you have to do your job to be held accountable or responsible … Continue reading
Orange you glad you read this blog?
Sunday night Dirty Dave came to me looking for advice. Normally I would listen intently to what he says and then provide him with the kind of advice that would provide us with comedy moments for years to come. However, … Continue reading
They just get worse
Sitting in Ron’s last night and in walked Neil Finn and Nick Seymour. “Two pints of Guinness, please”, said Finn. “And a package a Tayto”, said Seymour. “What are you cunts doing here?”, I asked. “Just did a gig in … Continue reading
As old as the hills
“Ron”, said Dirty Dave, “how old are you?” “That is not really any of your business, Dave Davidson, and if your old dad (Dave Davidson Sr) was here now he’d give you a slap for asking such an impertinent question.” … Continue reading
A shocking new terrorist threat
The US government has warned its citizens to be on the lookout for a new breed of Islamic terrorist. Recent reports suggest that they set upon people in secluded areas before rigorously sodomising them and then killing themselves. Just what … Continue reading
Fuck you Justine Delaney Wilson
You think you’ve got a story? Phooey. After weeks of undercover work I’ve got a video in which a government minister engages in the following: Snorting cocaine off a hotel bedroom table Rubbing cocaine on his gums in same hotel … Continue reading
You think you’ve got a story? Phooey.
After weeks of undercover work I’ve got a video in which a government minister engages in the following:
- Snorting cocaine off a hotel bedroom table
- Rubbing cocaine on his gums in same hotel bedroom
- Talking about how really great cocaine is
- Sensually stripping a teenage boy before forcing the boy to snort some cocaine
At this point another government minister and an RTE celebrity arrive in the hotel with a teenage girl. The minister and the RTE celebrity engage in the following:
- Snorting more cocaine
- Making the teenage girl snort cocaine before they rip the clothes off her
- Forcing the boy and girl to copulate at gunpoint while they continue to snort cocaine and manually pleasure each other
Then, when they have propelled their man custard onto their slacks they are joined by a famous Irish musician, an airline pilot and a well known TV chef. As the boy and girl lie weeping on the bed a vicious drug dealer calls to the room to deliver more cocaine, of the cocaine variety, and the reprobates continue their drug-fuelled mayhem, including:
- Snorting even more cocaine, like loads of the stuff. Seriously. Loads of it.
- They begin to throw things like coins and books at the distraught teenagers culminating in them tearing them limb from limb in a frenzy of cocaine excitement before smearing the blood all over themselves like in the Lord of the Flies.
- They then snort more cocaine from the corpses before burning the bodies in the bathtub and calling junior ministers and other lackeys to clear away the evidence
- They then do even more cocaine before cleaning themselves up and going for a lovely French meal in l’Ecrivain
I have all this information not only on tape but on HD Hi-resolution DVD disks of which I made 50 copies which I sent to my publishers and their solicitors. However, the Mail on Sunday kept coming around to Ron’s bar and I got so very scared I had to delete it all, even the copies my publisher said they had, so you’ll just have to take my word for it.
But I’m not making it up. Honest.