My left eye
So there we were in Ron’s last night. The whole lot of us. Me, Jimmy, Dirty Dave, Stinking Pete, Splodge, Lucky Luciano and old Paddy and old Larry at the end of the bar. The place was hopping, so it was.
Everyone was in great spirits. Jimmy was telling stories about the things he saw when he worked, briefly, for the J Geils Band back in the 80s. Yes, it had something to do with centrefolds, tubs of industrial lubricant and strange fruit he’d never seen before.
Lucky was regaling us with tales of people begging him for mercy before he killed them. Hilarious. Especially the one about the bloke who wept as he tried to convince Lucky to let him live for the sake of his invalid wife and his three children under the age of 5. As you all know Lucky is a compassionate assassin. He will only kill somebody if he believes they deserve to die. This man was a Chelsea fan. Not quite a death sentence in itself but the fact he switched allegience from Aston Villa in the last 90s was enough to convince our Italian chum to garrotte him.
Stinking Pete and Dirty Dave were their usual mongariffic selves. I can’t even begin to relate the stories they were telling but it was the regular mix of the ridiculous without so much as a hint of sublime. Splodge sat at the bar and said little as he was having a read of the bits of the book in which he features.
With so much good stuff going on we hardly noticed the strange man who entered the bar. He ordered a pint of Miller (fucking weirdo) and sat down at a table to drink it. I noticed him looking over at us at one stage, then looking at a piece of paper, but I paid little heed to it. That was my mistake. I should have realised he was a mentalist. His clothes should have set alarm bells ringing in my head. He wore a white shirt, a suede jacket (like a suit jacket), had ripped blue jeans and some old trainers on. His wispy beard was not the beard of a real man but that of a fan of that most heinous of monsters, Damien Rice.
As I excused myself from the group to spend a penny, having broken the seal much earlier, I made my way to the bathroom, whipped my lad out and began to wee. The door opened behind me and in came this man. I do not like being followed into toilets by strange men. It always makes me nervous. He had his hands behind his back.
“Are you Twenty Major?”, he said.
“Who wants to know?”
“You’re the one writing that book. You’re the one who fails to see the glory of Damien Rice. You’re the one who turns people against him.”
“He does that quite well enough himself”, I said trying to finish my wee but there was a lot of wee to be weed.
“You must be stopped. I cannot allow you to besmirch our Lord Damien Rice”, he intoned.
“Ok, you need to go away now”, I said still weeing. And that’s when he hit me. From behind his back he took an ashtray he’d picked up off the table and swung it with his left hand into my left eye.
“Ouch”, I said. “That smarts”. The blow to the head stopped the flow from my bladder. I put my hand to my head and thought I’d gotten away with it. A couple of seconds later my hand began to fill with blood. It spurted and poured and as I fiddled to put away my mickey, because I don’t like to fight anyone with my genitalia exposed, he raised the ashtray to hit me again. Just then the door of the bathroom opened and Stinking Pete walked in.
“What the fuck?!”, he shouted.
“Eeek”, said the Damien Rice fan. “We’re watching you Major. Next time you won’t be so lucky”, he said and then bundled past Pete and fled from the bar. I got myself straightened up and went back inside. Ron gave me an old bar cloth to hold over the wound and Jimmy drove me down the hospital where they stuck in 7 stitches to the deep gash just below my eyebrow.
The picture to your left is an actual picture of my eye this morning. I look like Paul Gascoigne’s wife. My head is thumping despite painkillers and I fear my modelling career may well be over. And for what? What causes a man to commit acts of random violence upon another man? Certainly it’s not something I would ever do. No chance.
And to break the unwritten rule that one never clobbers another man while he is urinating. Even the most savage bands of men, from the Mongol hordes to the Ninjas, from South American jungle warriors to the vicious gangs that roam the streets of Sandycove, know that you do not strike a man while he is weeing.
Anyway, this means that it is now well and truly on. Revenge, sweet heart puncturing revenge, will be mine.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:06 am
Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?
October 31st, 2007 at 9:10 am
No, that is my eye.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:13 am
I’m going to assume this means war. And not the good kind.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:18 am
Yes, I think that would be a fair assumption.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:19 am
Holy shit.
Even Chelsea fans would give you a chance to zip up.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:20 am
I guess the ashtray was for empty peanut packets?
October 31st, 2007 at 9:21 am
No, for ash.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:28 am
Taken to dying your hair Twenty ?
October 31st, 2007 at 9:29 am
mmmm isn’t that your right eye in the picture twenty…..my left eye my arse…
October 31st, 2007 at 9:30 am
How many left eyes have you got, it’s to the left of something, but not left of your right eye?
October 31st, 2007 at 9:31 am
Mind you – could have been worse – it could have been George Michal followed you into the gentleman’s convenience.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:38 am
Firstly you should know it’s my left eye because I told you it’s my left eye – and I would not lie. And secondly because the camera on this computer takes one of those mirror style picture things so the left looks like the right when it is in fact the left.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:41 am
So where was your killer friend Lucky when all this was happening? And why didn’t all your mates at the bar dash to your rescue?
October 31st, 2007 at 9:45 am
My left eye looks like my right eye, the difference is it’s on the right side of my nose!
October 31st, 2007 at 9:46 am
Jesus Christ, that is savage.
Is that a beard? Are you Dave Lee Travis?
October 31st, 2007 at 9:46 am
Lucky was at the bar, drinking. As were the others. They assumed the reason for his fast departure was because of Pete’s odour.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:47 am
Is that a beard? Are you Dave Lee Travis?
It is a beard. I am not Dave Lee Travis. I can ony hope that one day I manage to reach the levels of greatness he has.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:47 am
1. I’ve read blogs long enough to assume the guy depicted as ‘Twenty’ is, in fact, not Twenty. 2. My suspicions are further advanced by the apparent closeness of the crop and the color.
Maybe this event reveals something far more sinister:
My conclusion is that you’re being far too clever by lot’s more than half:
You ARE the REAL Damien Rice and the REAL Twenty caught up with you last night and gave you what you fucking deserve!
October 31st, 2007 at 9:48 am
You need a Minder Twenty.
I could be so good for you, I’m gonna help ya
Love ya like you want me to
I’d do anything for you-ou-ou
Id be so goo-ood for you
I could be so good for you
I’ll do it like you want me to
Love you like you want me to
There ain’t nothin’ I can’t go throu-ou-ou-ough
I’d be so goo-ood for you
October 31st, 2007 at 9:48 am
You ARE the REAL Damien Rice and the REAL Twenty caught up with you last night and gave you what you fucking deserve!
That is the worst thing anyone has ever said to me.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:58 am
Twenty, I agree it’s time you got yourself a minder – somone like that guy from Pulp Fiction. Jeez, Dublin is beginning to sound like downtown Chicago.
October 31st, 2007 at 10:03 am
Did somebody really hit you or was it something less sinister like a bad fall or an elbow from Dave? I can’t believe some bastard would do that.
October 31st, 2007 at 10:12 am
My money is that it may have been “little laddie” – the scrote – in the disguise of a Damien Rice fan! A Damien Rice fan couldn’t have managed to lift an entire ashtray all by himself!
October 31st, 2007 at 10:34 am
Straggly bearded weirdo – can you be sure it wasn’t Amy Winehouse ?
October 31st, 2007 at 10:38 am
heh @ celia and maggot
October 31st, 2007 at 10:47 am
Was it really a twenty reader or just a random scum looking for kicks?
October 31st, 2007 at 10:48 am
Dis is Daz from de Blanch, yis are all cunts,
I was away for a while, I was in the Joy, me Mudder tells me that I was in for a year and a half, but I’m shur it was longer, at least eighteen munts, anyway I’m out two weeks close to a fortnite, I wudhave rote in here earlier but I’m a bit rusty and it tuk me a week to haaf hinch a lap top.
Dat fella in da pither is not you atall ya cunch ya, dat is dat eejit that my mott battered out side the supa maket in Tallaght, she had just come out wit a pumpkin under hur sweat shirt dat she just hinched, and dat clown kem along and said dat it his baby dat she had in her belly and dat he rode her deh nite I went to jail, she tuk a hammer out of her thigh high boots and she bet de cunt around de head.
She had niked de hammer from B&Q as a cummen out present for me, I’m so in luv.
So dont tell loies ya cunch ya.
October 31st, 2007 at 10:53 am
Something is rotten in the state of Twenty….. what was an ashtray doing on a table in a bar in a country where smoking indoors is banned?? Eh?? You might still smoke Twenty but no-one else is allowed to. Out with it, if that is your eye, what really happened? Walked into a door?
October 31st, 2007 at 10:58 am
i THINK YOUR TAKIN’ THE PISS, SURE WHERE WOULD YER MAN GET AN ASHTRAY IN A DUBLIN BAR?. GO ON ANSWER ME THAT ONE
October 31st, 2007 at 11:00 am
Eh – a beer garden?
October 31st, 2007 at 11:04 am
Or maybe it was the ashtray that Twenty himself uses whilst smoking at the bar. Oh the irony!!! Battered by one’s own ashtray!!
October 31st, 2007 at 11:04 am
Ron’s has ashtrays on every table. What’s so fucking hard to understand?
October 31st, 2007 at 11:05 am
Twenty Major – STILL SMOKING IN DUBLIN BARS
October 31st, 2007 at 11:05 am
Tony, look up along the page. You’ll see ’still smoking in Dublin bars’ printed across the top. I have been in Ron’s pub, you could do a naked rumba in there and I doubt Ron could give a shit as long as you were not a student.
October 31st, 2007 at 11:07 am
And where is this Ron’s now?
October 31st, 2007 at 11:08 am
FF voters are everywhere, the cunts
October 31st, 2007 at 11:09 am
Feel free to drop around any time, Mr Inspector.
http://twentymajor.net/2007/09/06/the-busy-little-man/
October 31st, 2007 at 11:13 am
So thats what happened to Fred?!!?
October 31st, 2007 at 11:45 am
O
October 31st, 2007 at 11:48 am
Jesus Twenty that looks bad , I thought my eye was bad but you win hands down. Can’t beleive he would not let you zip up. Maybe he was also an Irish Priest, there a buch of cunts as well( not all of them but a sizeable number).
If you need any assistance with the revenge just let me know as I know some people here that would love a reason to go to Ireland.
PS I would send you flowers and choclates but I dont know your current address. But its the thought that counts and thoughts are cheaper.
October 31st, 2007 at 11:55 am
A vicious attack no doubt on that Twenty and possiby comitted by the Proud Sassenach’ dressed up as Damien Rice. How terrible and worse still that folk can’t understand that the right is the left in the mirror…. how could they doubt you. There’s plenty of ash trays in Kerry bars too!
October 31st, 2007 at 11:56 am
Fingers crossed he won’t be left with a droopy eyelid like Paris Hilton. Could cause some unfortunate misunderstandings.
October 31st, 2007 at 12:07 pm
“Ouch”, I said. “That smarts”.
Ha ha, they were your exact words, were they?
October 31st, 2007 at 12:09 pm
Like what?
His ear lobes are nothing like hers.
October 31st, 2007 at 12:10 pm
that was meant for the worm.
October 31st, 2007 at 12:27 pm
That’s a poor excuse for a black eye, the same thing nearly happened to me in Drumcondra a couple of weeks ago, I was in the toilet giving it the last shake when out of the corner of my eye I spotted this fucking nutter about to bring a big wine bottle down on the side of my head I just spun round still shaking, he took one look, droped the bottle, and ran screaming into street, them north Dubliners can’t handle the truth!
October 31st, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Yep ..my money is on little laddie .. he sure was moving towards postal the last couple of posts (iun pntended)
Ah sure never mind twenty … Just open your “third eye” for now
October 31st, 2007 at 12:33 pm
That’s unbelievable! What was the ash tray doing inside the pub?
October 31st, 2007 at 12:41 pm
You fucken wimp!
In Glasgow that’s called a beauty spot.
October 31st, 2007 at 12:43 pm
whoops should’ve read the earlier comments. I’ll get my coat.
October 31st, 2007 at 12:48 pm
You could still model for hearing aids, wing nuts, or even mud guards!
October 31st, 2007 at 12:58 pm
An ash tray may have impaired your view, but with lugs like that there isn’t much chance of your hat falling down over your eyes!
October 31st, 2007 at 12:58 pm
i heard some bird did it , ha ha a bird beat you up ,
pussy pussy pussy
October 31st, 2007 at 1:00 pm
Jesus Twenty, was it yer man Paul Stokes who just got out of Dundrum Mentaller hospital? I hear he and Pat Kenny are getting on great now.
October 31st, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Right I am off to use some clever CSI stuff to do a full recontruction of your face and what you look like and then I’ll post in on Rice’s site. I am an evil girl genius
October 31st, 2007 at 1:20 pm
Rice fans use his personally autographed canonballs to make his detractors face the music. It must have been an Amy Whineouse fan trying to put you off the scent…
October 31st, 2007 at 1:39 pm
sweet justice.
October 31st, 2007 at 1:40 pm
Bad buzz, compadre. May I be the first person on this entire thread to wish that you get well soon.
This is the third assault I’ve heard of this week so far. Is it just halloween or are things always this fucking violent in Dublin?
One lad I know got carved by a junkie demanding his PIN number with menaces at the weekend. Another got a total shoeing just off Kevin Street for fuck all reason.
Now this nonsense.
Is it time we all started drinking at home, in the dark, behind big walls and an alligator-infested moat?
Well, is it?
October 31st, 2007 at 1:53 pm
It was me you cunt, and it wasn’t an ashtray, it was a bundle of provisional licences rolled into a Millwall brick.
October 31st, 2007 at 2:00 pm
May I be the first to suggest you get well soon?
This is the third assault in Dublin I’ve heard of this week. WTF is going on? Did we become South Central overnight? I missed that meeting.
One lad got carved by a junkie looking for his PIN number and another got the shite kicked out of him for fuck all.
I reckon it’s time we all hid in the basement drinking Buckfast and Mundies, behind electric fences and alligator-infested moats, until all the scumbags leave town.
October 31st, 2007 at 2:02 pm
Strangely, despite living in one of Dublin’s less respectable areas for most of my life, I have never been in a fight.
When I was about 15 and this lad who I knew had been itching to have a go for some time came up and hit me such a thump across the jaw. It hurt like fuck, but realising that he was easily 16 or 17 times my height I said “Look, if you’re gonna fight like a girl I’m not playing football with you any more” and walked off, feigning complete comfort while his old dear, who had seen the whole thing literally dragged him in by the ear, pucking the head off him as she went.
Spent the next 20 minutes gingerly massaging my jaw and making silly stretchy-mouth faces trying to right it.
October 31st, 2007 at 2:05 pm
[...] has Retired (allegedly) and Doncha’s page rank is being pummeled by Google, all I need is for Lucky the Laughing Assassin (of Twenty Major fame) to bump off both John and Michele and I’ll be well on my way to the top 10. How much does it [...]
October 31st, 2007 at 2:09 pm
Why do people get so upset lately? Last weekend some dude asked us for some money for a taxi. When we asked if he could do something in return like dance or sing a song or do a joke he just hit one of us.
And that was not all, we’ve even been search before entering a club. The freaking cunts, so they are.
What happened to the gullable and friendly Irish people?
It must be devil-music this Rice guy is playing. Can’t the clergy act on that?
October 31st, 2007 at 3:26 pm
jeebus, Twenty, that looks awful.
I can’t wait to read what you come up with in revenge for such a heinous attack.
October 31st, 2007 at 3:35 pm
That’s a bad gash. You’d want to get it checked out although the hospitals are all in darkness at the minute.
October 31st, 2007 at 5:03 pm
That really is a comically teeny ear.
October 31st, 2007 at 5:12 pm
…and you STILL refuse to talk like a pirate!
Right, next time we’re taking a hand, a leg and stapling a fucking parrot to your shoulder.
October 31st, 2007 at 5:21 pm
From reading your little story above, i can say only one thing.
You fucking deserved it. How could you let anyone walk into the bar, order a pint of Miller, and not feel the urge to beat them like a cheap vietnamese hooker?
You then managed to push it even further, and turn your back on them.
This alone makes me suspect that you were looking for it to happen. You wanted him to hurt you. Only explanation there is.
Fucking Miller drinkers…..
October 31st, 2007 at 6:11 pm
16 euro for 20 bottles? Now thats cheap alcohol no matter how shit it tastes
October 31st, 2007 at 7:45 pm
You can get stella for the same price and it is much better.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:24 pm
Have you gone to the matresses yet Twenty?
October 31st, 2007 at 11:11 pm
Jeez Twenty
that’s fucking shocking, what sort of a shithole has this country become. Take care of that eye sweetie, it looks nasty.
October 31st, 2007 at 11:25 pm
It’s a small crime…
November 1st, 2007 at 1:11 am
That picture of your eye is after giving me the horn, Twenty.
November 1st, 2007 at 7:57 am
You people are sick. I like it. You’re hired.
November 1st, 2007 at 2:09 pm
Why didn’t you just piss on him? You had the tool right there, loaded and already firing. A quick swivel of the hips, piss on his trainers and he’s be out the door like a hot snot.
November 1st, 2007 at 4:13 pm
Dude are you not going to go on Friday an account of the eye and that? My good pal Jen thinks your plight a most admirable one indeed she even pre ordered your book on Amazon (well apparently). Now don’t panic she is not going to stalk you or hurl obscenities or even flash her tits.
November 1st, 2007 at 4:15 pm
I may have to wear sunglasses indoors as it’s rather a mess.
November 1st, 2007 at 4:16 pm
But I am glad that my pain and discomfort has brought about a book sale. If I could take it this kind of thing could get the book to number 1.
November 1st, 2007 at 4:43 pm
Her admiration stems not so much for your recent misfortune, although she does of course sympathise, it is more to do with your success through blogging, the success of the (supposed) everyday man if you will. You need to start a media campaign to insure phenomenal book sales. Maybe you could start taking drugs or perhaps sell drugs orrr you could release an album to coincide with your book orrrrr say something really controversial the night before it released like “ personally don’t see the problem with selling children for sexual exploitation, in fact I’d consider buying one should I ever be propositioned”, yep that little beauty would secure you a place on the most sought after advertising space in Ireland, The Six One News. Just to get the ball rolling I’ll personally but you a pint if you’d punch McWilliams in the face.
November 1st, 2007 at 4:45 pm
All options are being considered.
I can’t go punching someone for just a pint though. I’m a man of peace and unviolence.
November 1st, 2007 at 4:51 pm
How on earth are you gong to sit there right beside him and not punch him. Ye know what that will be an achievement in itself, a test of will and true strength. In fact if you can manage that I will have a new found respect for you. Anyway, I hope it goes well for you!
November 1st, 2007 at 5:06 pm
Maybe I won’t be sitting right beside him. Anyway, is he that offensive? I thought the George Dawes fella was the most annoying out of the two of them.
November 1st, 2007 at 5:32 pm
Heh Ha ha, He does have the red hair ah no he is not the worst I guess, very nice in person. He has a tendency to be unduly pessimistic, other that he is not so bad.
November 1st, 2007 at 7:35 pm
[...] think this is how Twenty got his black eye, it was all Throatripper’s [...]
November 2nd, 2007 at 8:53 am
[...] My Left Eye (Twenty Major) [...]
November 2nd, 2007 at 4:58 pm
Next time forget about tucking your tiny Irish winkie away and hit the bastard back!
November 3rd, 2007 at 1:01 am
I would like to register my belated shock.
November 5th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Aww – c’mon Twenty, it’s plain as the light of day that you peed on Lucky’s shoe & he crowned you – geez you crap on.