Preparations
Posted on | October 30, 2007 | 31 Comments
“Well, did you get all your stuff in?”, asked Dirty Dave.
“What stuff?”, I said.
“The stuff for hallowe’en!”
“What stuff?”, I said repetitively.
“You know, for the charming children that come to your door and ask you to help the hallowe’en party.”
“I have a big stick with which to beat them with. Is that what you mean?”
“Oh you. I got all their favourite stuff in.”
“Is that right?”
“Yes, it is right. When the kids come to my door they’ll be greeted by me in my scary costume and-”
“What are you dressing up as?”
“Ian Huntley”
“Jesus Christ.”
“Stinking Pete is coming over dressed as Wayne O’Donoghue.”
“Maybe I’ll come as Wayne Williams.”
“Who’s he? Does he play for Blackburn Rovers?”
“-”
“Anyway, they’ll come to the door and we’ll give them a fright then let them take their pick from all the goodies that kids love. They can have an apple or a Nutella sandwich made with Lidl’s own brand Nutella which tastes more like poo than it looks like poo and as it really looks like poo that’s really something or they can have a sticky date or a tin of prunes or as many Rich Tea biscuits as they want or some of those purpley-red flowers that when you pull the stem off you can suck some sweet, sweet nectar out of or a freshly cooked plate of liver and onions or a drink of that delicious orange squash you used to get in the cinema all those years ago or some homemade popcorn that I made last week and which has been sitting in a bowl out in the open air since or a slice of chocolate cake made with chocolate which has all that weird white stuff on it.”
“Sounds like the kids will have a wonderful evening all thanks to you.”
“It does, doesn’t it?”
“They’re still going to egg your house and throw fireworks through your letter box like they do every year, you know that.”
“I know.”
“That’s fine then, once you know.”
“Why do they hate me, Twenty?”
“It’s because you’re a smelly old fucker.”
“I thought so. Oh well. I’ll get them back. You just wait and see.”
Similar posts
Comments
31 Responses to “Preparations”
Leave a Reply
October 30th, 2007 @ 8:16 am
I invite the wee shites in for a custard cream and a game of twister, I don’t get many callers for some reason.
October 30th, 2007 @ 8:26 am
Can’t imagine why. Must be the biscuits because no child could turn down a game of Twister, surely.
October 30th, 2007 @ 8:29 am
A ‘V’ for Vendetta style Guy Fawkes mask might do the business too. In fact, kids are so fucking greedy these days from getting everything through their nagging and crappy parents the best thing to offer them are…….
monkey nuts. I remember doing that the last time I was home in the Midlands for Halloween. The look of disgust (through their shitty face paint and masks) coupled by the sighs of disappointment were worth a good laugh.
If you offered them a bit of has instead or a slurp out of a beer I’m sure they’d avoid fireworking your letter box and egging your PVCs.
October 30th, 2007 @ 8:44 am
a bit of has, as you may have figured out, should read
‘a bit of hash’
October 30th, 2007 @ 8:46 am
I’m pretty sure Dave would rather have his house egged than to share his beer or hash.
October 30th, 2007 @ 8:52 am
the wee shits came to a gaf i was living in in galway city a few years ago, about 10 year olds. we offered them beer and they said no, they wanted speed instead…! lucky we didn’t have any of the good rock speed left or their parents would have had the best halloween ever…
October 30th, 2007 @ 9:29 am
I plan to dress up as meself , and then take a 14% skim out of the top of their goody bags , if the wee shites resist I will try and scare them with me mate Brian “I was hit with an ugly stick” Cowan, and if that fails I will set “fightin” Willie O’Dea from the Department of Offence on them.
October 30th, 2007 @ 9:54 am
Ah dear me, my heart softens to hear such seasonal spirit in the comments section on this fine day. This brings me back nostalgically to the year when ours was the most popular house in the neighbourhood. For that Hallowe’en we had stocked up the sweetie cupboard and were giving chunks of yummy chocolate to every child who chose to call upon our humble home. Soon enough the word spread and we could barely rest a minute before the bell sounded again and there was another flock of becostumed urchins baying at our portal for the irresistible confection. Some of the little scallywags even snuck back for seconds!
What they did not know was that, in the spirit of Hallowe’en, my brothers and I had decided to teach the whole neighbourhood, parents included, the true meaning of horror. To this very day, that fateful evening is still known as….”The Night of the Chocolax!”
October 30th, 2007 @ 10:01 am
My house is ringed with man traps and land mines at this time of the year.
October 30th, 2007 @ 10:22 am
I wrap half inch lengths of cat shit up in shiny paper for the little smelly bastards.
October 30th, 2007 @ 10:30 am
And the thing about twister is feet.
October 30th, 2007 @ 10:34 am
I feel like a kid in a sweet shop at this time of year, only better cause it gets delivered to your door.
October 30th, 2007 @ 10:51 am
I was going to dress up as an Irish Priest and scare all the little fuckers but then I remembered thats all in the past and now the catholic church are a lovely bunch of people that no longer have sex with kids.
October 30th, 2007 @ 10:55 am
Too true, I think you are thinking of my Protestant friends, I only let them sit on my knee.
October 30th, 2007 @ 10:56 am
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
They do so.
October 30th, 2007 @ 12:05 pm
I’m dressing up as a surly begrudging child-hating bastard this year, and for extra verisimilitude, I’ll be refusing to answer the door to the neighbour’s rugrats, and will be reporting any anti-social incidents to the police.
Oh, and shooting them from the bedroom window with a high powered rifle, of course.
October 30th, 2007 @ 12:51 pm
I like the way the kids dance for us when they catch hold of me electrified gate, cheaper than Chocolax and just as entertaining!
October 30th, 2007 @ 2:18 pm
varies successful defences tru the years
1) disconnect the door bell, and watch telly while
drinking beer in the dark.
2) otherwise goto pub, and leave lights on in
the house. let the cunts ring all night
October 30th, 2007 @ 2:43 pm
Hey paddy tick polock..what the feck are ye on bout? if there ever was a fuckwad you are it you usless eejet
As for peter2007, or is that 20, u cunts bastard! it not that long ago when out fathers could read and write and yet u now demand proper this that and the other, no wonder the englishman laughs at us bog- trotters , when there is cunts like you to bring your own people down because of their lack of education..u prob got yours at the hands of the christain brothers and perhaps your education as well.. Theres nothing you can teach me you cunt that i would want to learn off ya but i would dearly love to teach you a few things..which has a lot of boot fist and hurley stick involved with it.
October 30th, 2007 @ 2:59 pm
Zzzzzzz
October 30th, 2007 @ 3:20 pm
LL: The reason the English laugh at you is because eejits like you type nonsensical sentences with appalling spelling. This gives rise to the myth that the Irish are thick. Perhaps you should type in Irish , or are you as shite at that as you are English.
Learn Esperanto you cock.
October 30th, 2007 @ 3:33 pm
I just can’t tell the difference between your commenters and your trolls these days, Twenty.
Happy Halloween you bunch of shunts.
ps wtf is a hurley stick – does it have anything to do with making y’self vomit?
October 30th, 2007 @ 4:06 pm
WE use to terrorise our neighbour hood the entire 2 weeks before the big night. bangers in letter boxes, rockets down drive ways, lighting the rival (only at this of year) estates bombfire early, Great!
October 30th, 2007 @ 5:09 pm
Soulless brute, not only are you soulless, you are also brainless.
Congratulations!
October 30th, 2007 @ 5:38 pm
I’ll shove a repeater down your throat….YIPPEEEEE!
October 30th, 2007 @ 7:36 pm
Heh Mac, the clergy still have sex with the little shits, but the parents settle the personal side of it, out of church, and the financial side of it, out of court, that way no body knows about it apart from the local doctor and the village idiot!
October 30th, 2007 @ 8:29 pm
The fecking doctor knows too? Cunt never told me…
October 30th, 2007 @ 10:13 pm
Forget all that stuf, Ireland is going to win the cup.
October 30th, 2007 @ 11:08 pm
By Christ, romantic Ireland’s dead and gone all right. All them comments and not one of you is going to put razor blades in the apples? ‘Twas very different in my day, biting into a lovely juicy apple and splitting lips, gums and tongue all in one go…
October 30th, 2007 @ 11:35 pm
Golly, such anger.
I’m patiently filling old washing-up bottles with my own urine. I rinsed them out carefully first, of course! Wouldn’t want the precious getting nasty detergent in their eyes, now…
October 31st, 2007 @ 9:00 am
akshually I’m kinda looking forward to it cept here in d’americeh they little fuckers want MONEY! Fuck off with that. They’ll get last years hershey Kisses that my kids didn’t like (which taste like what I imagine shit might taste like if I were ever inclined to eat actual shit which I’m not. At the moment.) with the tin foil all torn and manky and the choc gone white round the edges and I’ll make the little bollixes stand there and eat them in front of me.