Phone call
Just had Dirty Dave on the phone.
“So there I was standing on Nassau Street”, he says, “and I get this mad itch on my hole. For some reason my hole has been really itchy today. Naturally I scratched the itch. Then this American woman standing outside Reid’s says ‘Oh my gaaaaaawd. That is disgusting!’. So I say ‘You’re not from around here are you?’ and she says ‘New York city’ so I say ‘Nobody in New York ever had a itch on their hole?’ and she says ‘Shuwah, but we don’t scratch them in public’. I say ‘Yeah, well we do things differently around these parts’ and I challenged her to a duel. Yeah, a duel. I slapped her face with a glove and challenged her to a duel. Except it wasn’t really a glove so much as a copy of David McWilliams new book which I just bought so I could burn it. And you know how sometimes I don’t really know my own strength, what with that slight retardation I have? Yeah. Well I’ll be out of town for a week or so. It’s better that way.”
I think the moral of this story is that if you see a man scratching his anus it’s probably because he’s got an itch on it.
October 5th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
It’s one of the best way to stimulate the brain that I can stink of.
October 5th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
What is it with the book burning folk today. Carry on. Hey wait, it’s Friday, shouldn’t you be going to a baaaahh?
October 5th, 2007 at 4:55 pm
I will be.
October 5th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
You must know the one about the guy who walks into Weirs on Grafton Street and starts scratching his hole to beat the band. A mortified shop assistant walks up quickly and asks:
‘Sir, this is an outrage. What do you think you’re doing?’
To which the man replies
‘Well the sign outside says COME INSIDE AND PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT’
October 5th, 2007 at 5:13 pm
haha
October 5th, 2007 at 5:13 pm
Lung, well payed sir!
October 5th, 2007 at 5:44 pm
There’s nothing more irritating than an itchy hole.
Especially when in public. Its very hard to stop yourself from having a sly scratch
October 5th, 2007 at 5:46 pm
Why would have a sly scratch? There’s no shame in scratching wherever you have an itch. It’s perfectly natural.
October 5th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
Risky one Twenty – if you allow that way of looking at it perverts doing rude things in front of nubile schoolgirls in crisp white blouses would be untouchable with the “me mickey was itchy so I was just scratchng it yer honour” line of defence.
October 5th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
‘nubile schoolgirls in crisp white blouses’
You’re loving the thought of that, eh maggot.
You’ve been watching too many Britney videos
October 5th, 2007 at 6:46 pm
Britney never wears the navy blue knicks Peadar.
No matter how often I asked.
October 5th, 2007 at 6:57 pm
We should not be inciting criminal activity on here! Hole scratching is against the law! I know this to be a fact. Last year outside the post office i noticed a woman in a trouser suit rummaging frantically in her trouser pockets, taking it that she was having a good old crab crushing session i stopped to admire her, having nothing better to do. When she bent down and seemed to offer up her arse to me i obliged and gave her hole a damn good clawing! To my surprise she let go a scream that i can still hear to this day and i was assulted and even kicked in the micky by some jealous road diggers, or excavating minstrals as they demand to be called now just because they sing as they navvy. In court she testified that she was searching for her car keys and realised she had dropped them, when she bent to retrieve them she stated she thought she had been attacked by a bear. I was fined 2 euro and given 3 weeks digging roads while singing bass on boyzone songs..bring back hanging i say.
October 5th, 2007 at 7:01 pm
That’s the problem with trendy orders allowing their nuns out in trouser suits.
October 5th, 2007 at 7:15 pm
That explains everything! If id been one of those crisp bloused girls you mentioned my intervention would of been welcomed and we’d proberly still be there now, the scratched and the scratching…sounds like a trad irish band
October 5th, 2007 at 8:40 pm
The reason the yanks don’t scratch thier arse holes in public, in dublin, is, they’r so fucking fat, by the time they found their arse hole, they’d have lost their place in the cue, all the bus drivers would be at home shagging the dog, the train would getting shot at going through Limerick, and they would have missed out on the tour of all the people who died of hunger, because they too drunk to be bothered to eat!
Have a nice day, smell my finger!!
October 6th, 2007 at 4:18 am
Your anus is your ain, as they say somewhere in Scotland, I expect. Let no man come between a man and his ain anus with impunity.
Let the rain fall mainly on it too. (That’s an old Spanish one)
October 6th, 2007 at 7:25 am
twenty, and there was me thinking Dirty Dave’s brown index finger was from all the fag smoking.
October 6th, 2007 at 9:22 am
you never see a dog looking for a discreet spot so he can go lick his arse, dogs lick thier arses because they can
October 6th, 2007 at 10:10 am
I thought dogs did that to get the taste of pedigree chum off their mouths,
or because they know that later on they’ll be licking your face
October 6th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
i like to lick pussy to get the taste of the last pussy i licked out of my mouth and then when its gone i miss it! Girls how would you like to tickle my taste buds?
October 6th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
Yanks fecking Yanks! invaded poland, where paddy lives, and then caused a war and blew up me grandfathers wanking shed or his study as he liked to call it..perhaps because he studied porn there? People say i look like him, plus i pull me old wire at every opp..im barred out of every mcdonalds in europe..prejudice against tossers it is and me a born again europhille.
October 6th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
Laddie, if she was from New Youk she’s probably Irish.
October 6th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
Laddie, when did the Yanks invade Poland? I presume you mean militarily? For sure, they’ve invaded everywhere economically and culturally.
There is a zero tolerance policy on hole scratching here, unless you’re a hooligan that is, then people just take it for granted you need need to have a stenching scent on your finger tips every waking moment.
October 6th, 2007 at 6:46 pm
if she was from New Youk she’s probably Irish.
A fine example of an Irish bull !
October 6th, 2007 at 11:36 pm
Polish Paddy, The Yanks invaded poland 1939 and caused the second world war 11 ( as ive seen it written ) not sure if that means they caused the second world war eleven times but its all the same if your hole is itchy isnt it?
I did hear the Yanks had an Omaha hoor working the south side of the river! They knew she was a yank coz she chewed gum as you rode her and would tell you to “have a nice day” as you regreted your horny impulsive action and checked your micky for scabs.
Hooligan is my surname! We spell it that way but we pronounce it O’Malley because of the stigma attached to it and other obvious reasons which are not always so obvious.
Other than that i have no more to say on hole scratching, but if its micky pulling your talking then im your man, ive won the micky tugging contest three years on the trot or pull-as it were- ive never collected me trophy from the address on the certificate, me eyes not being what they used to be (although they were always eyes, not legs or arms or anything) i cant read street signs very well. where is wanker street on the north side? does it exsist or is someone pulling me wire besides meself?
October 7th, 2007 at 7:00 am
The problem was he was using his hand. If he’d been using a giant dildo to scratch that itch, nobody would have batted an eyelid, least of all yank…..they’re all gagging for it you know.
October 7th, 2007 at 6:36 pm
Steph! what the feck are you talking about.. “giant dildo” Is this one of your dreams? Are you typing in your sleep? Calm down and drink a bottle of gin, gallon of mad cows milk and a large bucket of weed killer, that will soon stop those type of dreams. Although you might find yourself rubbing up against trees in a provocative manner. Tree shagging i think they call it. Many squirrels have abandonded their homes, holes in trees, because of the invasion of knobs and minges into their living rooms, although i heard one clever and militant squirrel being thus evicted ran up the minge of one of the female tree shaggers and lives there in harmony with its host. Her many boyfirends, she doesnt seem to be able to keep them for any length of time, have been injured by having their micky’s bitten and have sued her. The squirrel understandably isnt keen on being evicted again and refuses to testify at her many court appearances in case another squirrel or one of the pink sausage like creaures that disturbs him regularly moves in and squats while he is in the dock. who could blame him? As for the poor old woodpeckers, well they are related to peckers and are not too bothered by the disturbance, looking on it as having an unruly relative stopping by for a minute or two..its the spitting on the floor they dont like.
October 7th, 2007 at 8:12 pm
If Dave is out of Dublin for a while Twenty could you ask him if there’s any chance he could pop over to Krankieland and challenge my not-ex-enough-missus to a duel with a sledgehammer? I’d make it worth his while!
October 8th, 2007 at 3:03 am
20, put on my tree squirrel reply?
October 8th, 2007 at 3:07 am
you have! im not contesting the micky pulling contest this year, my eyes are completely shot and strangely enough ive started to like classical music. Is there some connection?