Canary in a coal mine
“Fucking hell”, said Stinking Pete, “did you see all those miners trapped in South Africa.”
“I think it’s disgraceful that they still send children down those place”, said Dirty Dave. “This isn’t 1950s London any more, is it?”
“Jesus”, I sighed.
“I wonder did they forget their canary”, said Pete.
“What do you mean”, said Dave.
“Well, miners always carry a canary in a cage down with them because canaries are all-seeing, all-knowing birds. If there’s a gas leak they whistle twice. If there’s a supporting beam about to collapse they whistle three times. If the mine is about to get flooded because of a nearby tsunami they whistle twice and chirp once. So, as you can see, the mining company provides all the necessary safety and early-warning features you can think of.”
“Perhaps it got eaten by a cat.”
“Like Sylvester!”
“Sylvester is a big gay black man who says ‘Do you wanna funk’. How would he get down a mine shaft in those outfits without being spotted.”
“No, you gobshite. I meant Sylvester the black and white cat from the cartoons that lisps and tries to eat that Tweety Bird.”
“I really hate Tweety Bird.”
“Me too. I’d rape him in the face with a porcupine.”
“So maybe their canary got eaten by a cat, is all I’m saying.”
“But wouldn’t they notice the cage was empty before they went down there.”
“He could have cunningly replaced the live bird with a lifelike papier mache canary.”
“That would be some smart cat.”
“Not smart enough to know a broken pipe would sever power cables and render the lifts useless.”
“It’s a cat. Not God or Paul Daniels.”
“What do you think God looks like?”
“Hopefully not like Paul Daniels. That would be a massive disappointment. You get to heaven and there’s Paul Daniels waiting for you.”
“Just like that!”
“That’s Tommy Cooper.”
“Shut that door!”
“Larry Grayson.”
“Nice to see you, to see you nice.”
“Brucie as God. I could live with that.”
And so the never ending cycle of shite continues to spout from the mouths of Dave and Pete. It never stops. It will never stop. Words without end. Amen.
October 4th, 2007 at 9:16 am
I’d shag dirty dave and his great big wanger so I would, can you tell me how to contact him?
October 4th, 2007 at 9:20 am
dirtydave@greatbigwanger.com
October 4th, 2007 at 9:41 am
Andrea Corr,you’r like my favourite wrench or spanner, every time I hear you, or see you my nuts tighten, now that Iv’e seen something you have written my nuts have gone full torque, this calls for a drop of easing fluid!
October 4th, 2007 at 9:54 am
When I lived in Mayo we had no glass in our windows, but we had a Putty Cat!
October 4th, 2007 at 10:04 am
Cats are going to take over the world.
October 4th, 2007 at 10:18 am
Cats are evil little cunts, they should get the jew treatment.
October 4th, 2007 at 10:34 am
Fuck off Johnny 5 or I’ll give you Toxoplasma.
October 4th, 2007 at 10:39 am
Maybe they left the blue canary in the outlet by the light switch….who watches over youuuuuuuuu..
October 4th, 2007 at 10:40 am
Tweety the canary is a hero, after the news finished the other evening, there was a special bulliten about him where he climbed up a four hundred ladder to the top of a chimney, he didn’t fly, then he walked across a hundred plank to another chimney, he didn’t fly, he picked up an anvil and threw it at a cat, then abseiled down half way and then he flew, saying some thing about loosing his way to the speach therapist!
October 4th, 2007 at 10:45 am
He’s an example to us all that Tweety!
October 4th, 2007 at 10:49 am
Cats are not evil, bit thick but not evil. Ours still hasn’t realised I don’t eat mouse (not unless its skinned, minced,shoved in a sheeps bladder and called haggis) or relish chasing the rapid little fuckers round the house at one in the morning after hes finished playing with it.
Would a canary detect the true toxicity of Britneys Love Mound if hung in a cage from her pubes?
October 4th, 2007 at 10:51 am
This is war PP !
October 4th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Maggot: I will send Willie O’Dea round to invite you out for a kicking. He’s got the backing of the whole Department of Dea’fence so you should be shittin’ it.
October 4th, 2007 at 11:05 am
Now if you could only teach a mole to chirp, it could keep an eye out for potential mine hazards and work along side you as well. Streamlining the process through multitasking y’see? It would also keep moles off our streets, out of the dole queues and away from our pristine lawns. I think I’m onto something here…
October 4th, 2007 at 11:14 am
It would be easier to blind a canary and paint it black..a far more practical solution than educating moles.
October 4th, 2007 at 11:14 am
Cats especially kittens are tasty in a pie with worcester sauce, really yummy better than rabbits any day…
October 4th, 2007 at 11:20 am
once had a cat nibble on me minge so i did
October 4th, 2007 at 11:24 am
Willie O’Dea ? No match for my nominee, Mary Harney!
October 4th, 2007 at 11:25 am
Twenty the shite would stop if you put two bullets in their heads.
October 4th, 2007 at 11:27 am
Macdara, perhaps spray them in fake tan and send them to London. The Met would take care of it.
October 4th, 2007 at 11:29 am
Maybe we could do that to maggot aswell. Killing two birds with the one stone so to speak.
October 4th, 2007 at 11:31 am
I hate it when krankies like PP and Macdara get ideas above their station. Cunts.
October 4th, 2007 at 11:39 am
The thing is maggot I like cunts they tend to give me pleasure. Unlike fish food, cunts are useful.
October 4th, 2007 at 11:41 am
Piss off Mac – we all know you are a shirt-lifter!
October 4th, 2007 at 11:42 am
Christ, can the wittering fools get a room please. I didn’t come here for chat.
October 4th, 2007 at 11:44 am
:)
هلاً و سهلاً
October 4th, 2007 at 11:48 am
Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the wee donkey Mac, that’s a dreadful thing to say!
October 4th, 2007 at 11:56 am
It was bad maggot but at least we have both proved Twenty’s point.
“And so the never ending cycle of shite continues to spout from the mouths of MacDara and Fish Food. It never stops. It will never stop. Words without end. Amen.”
October 4th, 2007 at 12:00 pm
at least we have both proved Twenty’s point.
Was there ever any doubt ?
October 4th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
They should be banished to another church. The jazz handed one in Finglas.
October 4th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
Brucie for Taoiseach!
October 4th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
With Bertie the price is always right
October 4th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
Moles are cunts
October 4th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
Twenty
you congratulate irish pigs and piglets shooting dead unarmed people in Lusk but frown upon english pigs and piglets shooting dead unarmed brazilians in london.
nice to see consistency in your thought process
October 4th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
I once had a mole on my cock.
Make of that what you will.
October 4th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
Apropos of nothing, why is Eddie O’Sullivan selling some investment scam – sorry I meant scheme – on the radio. I wouldn’t buy a slightly soiled rugby team from the man.
October 4th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Itchy – you’ve been reading long enough not to expect consistency of thought or opinion.
October 4th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
“I once had a mole on my cock.
Make of that what you will.”
Oh yeah Johnny5? Well I once had hives on mine. Pick the bones outa that.
October 4th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
Why don’t you invite Louis Theroux to come and interview Dave and Pete? He could bring Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee with him…
October 4th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
I had a thrush on mine.
October 4th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
Maggot: it was probably there to eat the crabs
October 4th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
Johnny 5: did the bees still produce honey? “Cock honey” theres a product I don’t want to see in any organic shops.
October 4th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
more potato?
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,299263,00.html
October 4th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
Well You know what they say A cock in your hand is may not worth two in a bush.
October 4th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
“I once had a mole on my cock.
Make of that what you will.”
Was it Blunt or Burgess, Johnny?
October 4th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
Twenty, why is your book on the amazon link now called The Case of the Ginger Albino ?
Sorry if you explained this already.
October 4th, 2007 at 2:28 pm
That was an old working title. Not sure why it’s up on Amazon though.
Blunt or Burgess, heh
October 4th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
I don’t know if it was blunt or burgess but it was fucking big.
October 4th, 2007 at 3:17 pm
Probably Burgess then.
So was it a case of “I’ll blow your cover if you’ll blow mine”?
October 4th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
Had a look on Amazon and read the synopsis of the book.
Sounds great
‘…..that is more sinister than seeing your granny tongue-kiss with an 18 year old…..’ Doesn’t sound great
October 4th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Yes, that’s a line that can be improved, I think.
October 4th, 2007 at 4:08 pm
Its a good line, just the thought of it doesn’t sound great.
Like – ‘I’d rape him in the face with a porcupine’
which is just the latest of the thousands of other great lines that have appeared on this site.
Its what attracts all us sick fuckers
October 4th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
So was it a case of “I’ll blow your cover if you’ll blow mine”?
No.I had to go to the mater to have it surgically removed.
Seriously
October 4th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
Ooooh, those Soviet spies really chomp down don’t they.
Not seriously.
October 4th, 2007 at 5:28 pm
So was it a case of “I’ll blow your cover if you’ll blow mine”?
Just tell us there wasn’t a leak. That’s the sort of thing that leads to egg-white on the face, and that’s no yolk. It takes more than a tissue of lies to clean that up that sort of thing. Daniel Craig would have to get involved.
Mmmm, Daniel Craig…. I’d blow his cover.
October 5th, 2007 at 1:00 am
Just saw Darragh O’Brien make a speech in De Dall on Oireactas Report.
He was fucking embarrassing.
He was Fucking inspiring.
I sent him Billie Barry’s number.
Fucking joke that these type’s are approved.
Claire Daly – No Seat
Darragh O’Brien – Seat
Ray Burke – an innocent, honourable man
*burp*