Monthly Archives: October 2007
Things you never grow out of
Your starter for ten… Picking scabs. Mmmm, bloody and crunchy. As I’m suffering from a serious head trauma you cunts will have to think of the rest.
My left eye
So there we were in Ron’s last night. The whole lot of us. Me, Jimmy, Dirty Dave, Stinking Pete, Splodge, Lucky Luciano and old Paddy and old Larry at the end of the bar. The place was hopping, so it … Continue reading
Preparations
“Well, did you get all your stuff in?”, asked Dirty Dave. “What stuff?”, I said. “The stuff for hallowe’en!” “What stuff?”, I said repetitively. “You know, for the charming children that come to your door and ask you to help … Continue reading
Bank holiday announcement
Please note that as today is a bank holiday the blog will be operating a Sunday service. This normally consists of no post whatsoever but as a gesture of goodwill I feel a post advising there’ll be no post is … Continue reading
For your information
Only a seasoned cereal eater could take a blindfold test and taste the difference between real Shreddies and Tesco’s own brand malt flakes.
Noel Dempsey is a stupid cunt
This whole learner driver thing is ridiculous, is it not? To be fair I think something had to be done about people who could drive forever having never taken or consistently failed their driving test but you’d like to think … Continue reading
Sometimes you just don’t have an answer
*bring bring* “Hello?” “Hello, Twenty. Dave here.” “What’s up, Dave?” “Is it normal that after you have a big poo your ringpiece remains a bit pushed out still?” “What?” “It’s just I had one of those monster craps and my … Continue reading
Stupid emails
“Please think of the environment before you print this email”. Honestly, that’s what it said at the bottom of the email I got yesteray. And in ‘green’ too so I ‘d be doubly sure this was from an environmentally friendly … Continue reading
My weird hair
I have this strange hair on my right arm, just on the ball of my shoulder, which is completely unlike all the other hairs on my body. For a start it’s at least three inches long, fair and it grows … Continue reading
California
“Here, Twenty”, said Dirty Dave, “why exactly do they go on about California being such a great place to live? I mean, it strikes me that it’s a bit shit.” “How’s that?” “Well, look at those old forest fires at … Continue reading
“Here, Twenty”, said Dirty Dave, “why exactly do they go on about California being such a great place to live? I mean, it strikes me that it’s a bit shit.”
“How’s that?”
“Well, look at those old forest fires at the moment. Not even Lloyd Cole himself could have forseen forest fires like those. A million people being evacuated, thousands of homes being burnt. It’s not good, is it?”
“It is not.”
“And with so much wealth in California you’d think they’d install some kind of sprinkler system to help when things like this happen. It’s not exactly the first time, is it?”
“True enough.”
“So you have an administration that knows there’s a problem but doesn’t nothing to prevent it. And as we know prevention is better than The Cure. Even Robert Smith would agree with that. Then there’s the earthquakes. That there San Andreas fault is a cunt of a fault. The whole place could fall into the sea any minute. Yet people still want to live there.”
“They are quite rare, in fairness.”
“So are eruptions on Mount St Helens but you wouldn’t find people living on the side of it. Don’t they also have problems with rolling blackouts?”
“I think the things have calmed down since the Rodney King incident”, said Pete.
“No, you jamrag. The electricity goes off all the time, like someone has forgotten to feed the meter.”
“Oh.”
“Then there are celebrities everywhere you look. There’s a celebrity as governor. Arnold fucking Schwarznegger of all people. What the fuck is that about? You can’t turn around with bumping into some blonde actress or wannabe film star. And as we all know these are the most insipid, vapid people on earth. It’s good that they’re all in one place, like some kind of leper colony, but you wouldn’t go live in a leper colony, would you Twenty?”
“No, I don’t suppose I would.”
“The main cities. LA is a smoggy hellhole where you could be drive-by-shooted any minute and San Francisco is no place for anyone who likes to get around by bicycle.”
“It’s a compelling argument.”
“So why would anyone go live in a place on the brink of natural disaster inhabited by cunts?”
“They have some nice weather, I suppose.”
“Oh yeah, forgot about that. That explains everything.”