How do you get out of bed?
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on September 25th, 2007
You know, I was going to write something about Bertie this morning, and about how after all his ‘evidence’ not only are we none the wiser as to his finances, we’re even more confused.
He changes his story more often than a character on Law & Order.
“I never knew her. Ok, I knew her but I didn’t see her that night. Ok, I was in her apartment that night but I left at 10pm. Right, well I was in her apartment and we were having a big fight and I cut myself when she threw a cup at me and that’s why my blood is there. Ok, fair enough. I killed her.”
The word unbelievable is bandied around too often but it’s the only word that fits. The shit that comes out of his mouth is just completely beyond belief and his stage-managed goons applauding and cheering when he was being interviewed outside afterwards are sycophantic gobshites of the highest order. Get a fucking life, you morons.
Anyway, I said I wasn’t going to talk about that so let’s move on to something much more important. Getting out of bed.
There was a big discussion in Ron’s last night about how we all get out of bed. Dirty Dave was insistent it was one simple movement. You lie there and when you decide it’s time to throw the covers back you simply swing your legs out and get on your feet straight away. Most of the others seemed to agree with that apart from Splodge who says he makes himself as stiff as a board and simply rolls out of bed onto the floor because getting up off the floor is better than getting out of bed so being up and about doesn’t seem so bad when you’re coming from such an uncomfortable position.
Me? It’s a two part movement every single time. You lie there thinking about how you have to get up and how much you don’t want to but when the time comes it must be done like so:
1st movement - Get your legs out of bed and move to a sitting position on the edge of the bed. Rub your eyes and/or scratch whatever needs to be scratched. Stretch your neck, perhaps causing it to click, then grip the edge of the bed with both hands.
2nd movement - Using your hands which are on the edge of the bed push yourself upwards and then on to face the day. Scratching of areas that are hidden when sitting on the bed can now be carried out.
And that’s it. Two simple steps. Personally, I think anyone that gets out of bed in one movement is some kind of Scientologist or something. How do you do it?
Quite similar to yourself usually (apart from the scratching, obviously) but we had a monster spider last week so lately finishing by gingerly slipping feet into flip flops.
September 25th, 2007 at 9:44 am
Writers block huh Twenty?
September 25th, 2007 at 10:01 am
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I’m generally pushed out by yer ma.
September 25th, 2007 at 10:03 am
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Life let you down with a bang huh Johnny5?
September 25th, 2007 at 10:07 am
3
Writers block huh Twenty?
If I had writer’s block there wouldn’t be a blog post at all, would there?
September 25th, 2007 at 10:08 am
4
So true Twenty. So true…
September 25th, 2007 at 10:18 am
5
Only someone with no job has time for all that scratching in the morning. Scratching! Stretching! Rubbing eyes!
1st movement - scream and jump out of bed in fright. 2nd movement - settle into being an angry bitch for the rest of the day.
September 25th, 2007 at 10:24 am
6
My hubby generally emits some noxious gas which causes me to exit in one very swift movement. Little sapling, completely with you on the need for footwear. The spiders down here at the moment are like teacups with sausage legs. I’ve taken to putting on industrial boots before I brave a trip to the bathroom.
September 25th, 2007 at 10:26 am
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Seriously Ms Larking, the spiders are getting bigger.
September 25th, 2007 at 10:36 am
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It’s one swing, and only the old and infirm and the crippled think otherwise.
September 25th, 2007 at 10:42 am
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True about spiders getting bigger… but they’re not as big as Spiderman’s helicopter which could take your whole head off when it’s dropped on you from a height at 6 in the morning.
September 25th, 2007 at 10:45 am
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1. Spring upwards into a surfer-style standing crouch.
2. Lateral somersault to standing position on the floor.
3. Wake. Exude from scratcher like recently run-over cat.
September 25th, 2007 at 10:47 am
11
Light fag
shift dog
then, includng scratchings, much the same as you Twenty.
September 25th, 2007 at 10:50 am
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Recently I have been waking up with horn that would put the pied piper to shame. Which is usually followed by the desperate need to drain the bagpipes from the feed of pints `from the night before. I dont know how many steps it is but it definitely involves a nip & tuck to hide my shame from the rest of the house!
September 25th, 2007 at 10:54 am
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Then to the jacks to bend my willy down into the bog and let go!
September 25th, 2007 at 10:56 am
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Keep hitting snooze on both alarm clocks for an hour.
Eventually open eyes, look at said alarm clocks, and realise you are an hour late.
Swing legs out of bed.
As your mind finally starts to shake off the fuzziness, you realise the futility of it all, and wonder what fresh hell you have woken up to today.
Im not exactly a morning person…
September 25th, 2007 at 11:01 am
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I don’t go asleep as such - I just fall unconscious after fourteen G and T’s up in Barry’s. I usually wake up in time for the MEN (that’s Main Evening News, you filthy perverts).
September 25th, 2007 at 11:14 am
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And yet you look so … lovely newbridge Anne!
Little Sapling, I agree that there is something going on with the size of those big hairy arachnids. Am living in fear of having to pick up a towel or a discarded sock as there is always something lurking beneath.
September 25th, 2007 at 11:25 am
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Ye I think twenty has it spot on. Surely everyone sits on the the edge of the bed for a minute before standing up. Actually the more I think about it, it sounds impossbile to do it any other way. Even if your only on the edge of the bed for a second, it has to be part of the overall movement.
I hate when I’m bursting for a piss but he’s pointing at the ceiling
September 25th, 2007 at 11:33 am
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I was always fascinated with this topic - does it hurt when you have to bend it?
September 25th, 2007 at 11:42 am
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yes, celia. yes it does.
September 25th, 2007 at 11:51 am
20
I wake up grouchy before I get out of bed.
Ol’ grouchy never appreciates it, though.
September 25th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
21
How did you find yourself this morning?
I just pulled back the sheets and there I was.
Thanks to Randy in Ranelagh for that one, now here’s Brian with the sports.
September 25th, 2007 at 12:49 pm
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It’s a bit of a mystery but I think I levitate, I recommend it to those with arachnid issues.
September 25th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
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Do you reckon Bertie had the cop shot to take him out of the headlines? It was just around the corner from St. Lukes….
September 25th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
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Yes, sometimes its hard getting up in the morning.
September 25th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
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Tell me, Anne, are the rumours of Dobbo’s girth to be believed? He does look like a man of considerable ‘hanging’.
September 25th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
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Why do I bother ?
September 25th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
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roll over, feel hard lump…quickly jump out, be thankfull hard lump was just empty rum bottle, stumble to kitchen, lye down in dog basket until dog tells you to go to work!!
September 25th, 2007 at 2:30 pm
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I usually hit the snooze button about 6 times then throw off the covers and run to the toilet. I make sure I drink plenty before going asleep so that in teh morning I will get up otherwise I’ll have to pee in my bed.
I hate mornings.
September 25th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
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Wake up. Lie awake for approx 10 minutes feeling the waves of “woe is me” washing over me like cold piss. Rise to sitting position, mutter a few curses and get up .
September 25th, 2007 at 2:54 pm
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Jump out of bed, smiling and happy in one movement. Before shouting I am Happy,Healthy and Enthuiastic.
My girlfriend then punches me in the bollocks and the cat pisses in my cornflakes.
September 25th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
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Celia, ye it does hurt a bit, but still it takes ages
to go down for some reason.
And while its in this semi state the piss could go any where.
September 25th, 2007 at 4:15 pm
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Am quite sure that twenty etc would recommend a good cure for that. No doubt a good kick in the testicles or some such.
Have you tried a cold spoon?
September 25th, 2007 at 4:45 pm
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Normally, by impaling the park attendant with his own pointed stick.
September 25th, 2007 at 7:46 pm
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Women have life easy - get up, squat, squirt and job done.
September 25th, 2007 at 7:49 pm
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I woke up this morning full of vim and vigor and the single motion exit seemed to come naturally to me. Unfortunately I wrenched my fuck neck half off and I’m sitting here at work typing with my feet. I wish I’d read this post last night before bed.
September 25th, 2007 at 8:06 pm
36
I bound like a gazelle in one swift movement, landing with a gentle boing and a pas de deux in front of the mirror, where I look deeply into mine eyes and tell myself I am a beautiful person deserving of love and a nice cuppa. Then my kids run in yelling and knock me over like an old haystack. Still, I make a good start every day up to the haystack bit and that’s what’s important. Isn’t it. Isn’t it?
September 25th, 2007 at 10:59 pm
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I mean, isn’t it?
September 25th, 2007 at 10:59 pm
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It sure is, despite you being a proponent of the one swift movement brigade. Welcome back, Sam.
September 25th, 2007 at 11:03 pm
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Jasus, it’s aisy for ye fuckers to get out of bed. I do have to get past Claudia, Kate, Cindy and Heidi before I get my feet on the ground. All their begging for love and affection is a bit distractin’ when all I want is to go to the jacks.
This morning I just told them to work it out between themselves that what I wanted was an egg. Christ the moanin’ and groanin’ that was coming from the bedroom was only shockin’.
I had a look in and Jasus there was heads and arses in all sorts of places. Cindy told Heidi that she needed a shave, Heidi told Claudia that she was getting beard rash from her special place.
They begged me to come back and satisfy their needs. I told them to fuck off and make their own tea and toast.
No wonder it’s so easy to get up in the morning. The relief of a good breakfast and a shite compared to shagging supermodels!
September 25th, 2007 at 11:13 pm
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Heidi? She’s only eight you sick fucker.
Wait till her Grandpa catches you. You’re in for it.
September 25th, 2007 at 11:32 pm
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No problem there. Grandpa too busy with the goats. Those horns are so handy for keeping them still!
September 26th, 2007 at 6:31 am
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Here Twenty - joke for you
Q. What’s the difference between a whore and Bertie?
A. Bertie earns more money
September 26th, 2007 at 9:14 am
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Take a double Viagra the night before. Roll over in the morning and you’ll pole vault out
September 27th, 2007 at 11:03 pm
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