What foul celestial object was this greeting me as I flumped to the floor out of bed this morning. The pain. My eyes. They burn. I opened the shutters in the bedroom and was raped in the face by streaming, golden light. The sun? In Ireland. It cannot be.
But what had roused me from my slumber in which I was doing a photoshoot with Billie Piper? The late pints taken last night at Ron’s should have been enough for me to sleep, recover and recuperate, a badly needed fillip for the body so pained and battered by constant typing. A noise. Yes. A ghastly, repetitive noise.
Yip Yap
Yap yip yip
Could there be a Japanese person outside my window? No, it was coming from the back of the house. My chamber lies at the front so it was lusty and clamorous, stentorian and insistent.
yip yip yip
I padded through the kitchen, pausing only to fill the kettle, and to the back door. Greeted warmly by faithful hound and gonzo cat. Yes, good day to you both. And the sound that had penetrated my walls continued unabated.
yap yap yip
I rubbed the dog’s massive head and he looked up at me with his piercing eyes, one brown, one blue, like David Bow-wow-wowie as if to say ‘Such reverberation merits swift and decisive action’.
‘You’re right there old pal’, I said.
yip yip
The cat, who was gnawing on the bone of a charity collecter, looked hopefully in my direction.
yap yap yip yap
‘Go get it’, I said and made a motion with my head. I stood on the paved area in front of the French doors and lit a couple of cigarettes. Bastardface and I smoked as the cat leapt into action, sprinting down the garden, up the apple tree, and over the wall.
yip yip
We waited. Smoked. Ahhh, cool refreshing Major.
Yip yip yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaark
And it was done. Soon the cat returned and I rewarded him with a blem of my smoke and a tin of orphan flavoured Whiskas.
That’ll teach the neighbours to buy a puppy.
I fuckin hate cats. But dogs are the proverbial dog’s bollocks.
At least it wasn’t a camel.
Cats are for old woman and fags.
Bow wow wowie? Snarf.
Ahem…cats are wonderful animals! especially when trained properly in the art of ridding the neighbourhood of unwanted visitors/noisy puppys.
Twenty, where can I buy orphan flavoured cat food..Kitty seems to be over rabbit and game in gravy.
I have it specially made. By me.
Giggle…you really are a cantankerous old git!
and yet, Littlesapling, somehow he’s a babe-magnet!
I have both a cat and a dog. The cat is about 8 months old, the dog over ten years.
Guess which one gets out of the rain?
Just as well your neighbour didn’t have a newborn baby.
babies are better than puppies. more eating on them. baby wings followed by roast rib of baby in a rich wine sauce. mmmm…
If you’d any decency you feed the cat Leinster rugby fan flavoured Whiskas, you cunt.
No self-respecting fastidious cat would look at anything tasting of Leinster.
We have a dog. I was woken up at 4.30am this morning by said dog barking loudly. The creature was going insane.
I went out into the back garden to see what was wrong him. To see what he was barking at. I found him crouched against the back wall, teeth bared and growling… At a rock covered in moss.
The fucking stupid cunt.
You’re a bad man Twenty.
You’re next you know. Those cats have no loyalty to anyone..
Its true.When the Major eventually get you, the first thing throatripper’ll go for is your eyeballs.
If they want to feast on my corpse I don’t really mind. It’s the circle of life.
cue a really twee balad by Smelton John
So you don’t like cute fluffy yippy little puppies amid your coked up, caffeined out, writing marathon?
Dogs sit snd look at you as if you are a god. The cat sits looking at you and wishes he was big so that he can eat you. Beware the cat, he might not wait until your the dearly (ha) departed Twenty before he decides to take a bite.
Why do I have a vision of you happily living with your dog and cat when you write so foully about all kinds of things? Keep it up!
http://bitsandpieces1.blogspot.com/2006/03/from-cats-secret-diary.html
http://www.kittybeef.com/index.php
…mmm kitty kebabs….
Now thats just wrong.
Kitty thigh fillets, yummy