One day I was walking down the road on a summer’s day. A tree overhanging from a garden had dropped some of its fruit on the footpath. I kicked one piece of the round fruit with my left foot. It rolled across the grass and stopped right in the middle of the cycle path which ran alongside the road. I continued walking and didn’t give it another thought.
—-
Richard Lyons was cycling up the cycle path a few minutes later. He looked ahead, the sun was glaring into his eyes, and as he shielded his eyes from the sun to see better his front wheel ran over the fruit I had kicked onto the cycle path and he lost control of the bicycle. He skidded into the rim of the path then flew forward over the handlebars. His head had barely hit the road when it was run over by the front wheel of Eithne Reilly’s Mazda 626.
The police were called and Richard Lyons was pronounced dead at the scene. Eithne Reilly was taken to the nearby hospital suffering from acute shock of what had happened and the noise of Richard Lyons’ head being crushed under her car was replaying like a stuck CD in her head. Some miles away Mary Lyons, Richard’s wife, was informed by police that her husband had died. She fainted on the spot and hit her head off bookcase in the hallway. The police phoned an ambulance to take her in.
Mary Lyons woke up in the ambulance with a nurse and a policewoman riding in the back with her. When she woke up she remembered instantly what had happened and began keening softly to herself. In the hospital waiting room Jim Reilly, husband of Eithne who ran over Richard’s head, flicked through a magazine somebody had left behind. Celebrity gossip, that kind of thing.
Not long later he was joined by Barbara and Anthony Lyons, parents of Richard Lyons whose head had been run over by Eithne Reilly, his wife. They had been contacted by police and informed of the death of their son, Richard, and the fainting of their daughter-in-law, Mary. Neither knew the connection to the other.
Richard Lyons’ mother was very upset and Jim Reilly told her he was very sorry for whatever had happened to her. They thanked him for his kindness and said they hoped his troubles weren’t too much to bear. He said he wife was fine, just in shock at having caused the death of a cyclist by running him over in a terrible accident. Isn’t that something said Anthony Lyons as our cyclist son, Richard Lyons, was killed by a motorist today.
They mumbled at each other and Jim went out to get himself a coffee from the machine. As the machine spewed out the hot coffee in a very thin plastic cup he burnt his fingers a bit and spilt coffee down his front. He’d have to take his trousers to the dry cleaners. Which he did two days later. While he was in the dry cleaners in came a man armed with a syringe and told the old lady behind the counter to hand over the money. Jim could never explain why he did what he did but he launched into the falsetto part of the The lion sleeps tonight and while the space cadet with the needle looked on completely unable to get his drug addled head around what was happening another customer came up behind him and smashed him over the head with a very large text book he’d just happened to have with him.
Jim paid for his trousers, after all the fuss had died down, and stopped off on the way home to buy a lottery ticket. As he turned into the parking space a boy racer in a souped up Nissan Micra ploughed into the side of him, killing him instantly. At the hospital, Eithne Reilly who ran over Richard Lyons’ head with her car, had just come out of her period of shock at the tragic events when she was told of the death of her husband. She sat completely still and when the nurses and doctors had left her alone she took a lighter out of her bag and set herself on fire.
She ran shrieking into the corridor and immediately engulfed Barbara Lyons, the mother of the boy that Eithne herself had killed, in flames and they danced like two phoenix in some kind of agony inducing mating ritual. They both died and Anthony Lyons, husband of Barbara who was killed by Eithne Reilly and father of Richard who was also killed by Eithne, found himself, when the shock had worn off and the funerals had taken place, with strong feelings for his daughter in law, Mary.
Mary was just 29 and was a beautiful brunette with a great body. She found herself, once the initial pain and grief had subsided, with feelings for her father in law but she could never allow anything to happen. One night, when he tried it on and wouldn’t take no for an answer, she stabbed him in the neck as he chased her around the kitchen trying to explain his feelings for her and how perfect they’d be together. She sat on the floor and calmly cut her wrists. The bodies lay there for a week before they were found.
—-
Twenty 5 – 0 Lyonses and Reillys.
Get in.
I once flicked a snot out the window of an 84 bus going past RTE and as a direct result, Maradona lifted the world cup in 1986. Too damn right he did, but if you think I’m telling you about the 29 steps in between you’ve gravely mistaken. They did involve a Bulgarian prostitute called Olga and kidnapping the head of state of a small Central African republic, I’ll tell you that much.
I scratched me bollix this morning and am now confidently awaiting the end of the world. It’s far too complicated to go into here, but trust me, you’re all shagged.
And you know what was behind it all, the initial mover? That fucking butterfly in the Amazon. Thanks be to Jesus they’ll all be gone soon and we can relax.
I got up this morning and went to work.
Why was the Nurse and the Policewoman riding in the back of ambulance, were they married to each other, were the married to other people, were they bisexual,were they listening to Daniel O’Donnell,do they have a solid fuel burner, when did they get back from China,..see what youv’e done!.. Oh do they know they to Kerry????
I invited a journalist over for dinner last night as a result we drank copious amounts of alcohol, I woke up with a sore head and in about two days Irish people will be reading a article entiled come back paddy reilly all is forgiven.
So how is the book going again?
The book is going swimmingly. Into the final dramatic stages now where I have to decide if the lovelorn heroine ends up with the nice guy who’d love her for the rest of her days or the bad boy with the massive cock who’ll treat her like shit.
But seriously though, it’s going grand.
Serves the Lyonses right for making all that ice cream.
Gives us a free taste maybe the middle paragraph and the 17th page.
Serves the Lyonses right for making all that ice cream.
Them and their Funny Feet.
MacD – I’m sure I can work out a snippet or two a bit later on. Not later today. But later some time in the future.
and what became of the apple?
You plum killed them all.
Thats what I like about your style of writing Twenty.You have the ability to peel away the skin of a story and separate the flesh from the pips.
Why not give nice bloke the big cock, and then have him arrested for beatin up a bishop for not paying his mother the going rate, that way, the heroine will have the best of both worlds?
Hmmmmmmmm.
I think the genius who customised a Nissan Micra deserves a thread of his own.
Go with the bad boy with the massive cock.
depends how… ‘loose’ the heroine is.
i mean are we taking wizard’s sleeve here, or as tight a duck’s ass?
she may not mind small ones.
I got rode in the back of an ambulance, a fellow from the local town used an old ambulance for delivering turf, one realy bad winter we couldn’t afford much, but I kept the home fires burning.
Why not give both the bad boy and the nice fellow big cocks, after all she’s supposed to be a heroine!
If it was the O’Reillys you were after you could have saved a lot of news print.
fruit is bad for the health; stick to guinness and grass.
i copy and paste these musings and send them around the office – they all think twenty major is quite odd…..but v.g.
have a nice day motherfuckers and thanks for the oil, as they say in eyeraq
Prolly the best analysis of the American political system I’ve seen.
So much for your fruity free kick :-)
PTSD all round the place! 20 you behaved with reckless or was it [f]eckless disregard.
Moving towards the end of the posting in-face we might have a provoked murder, suicide pact, defense of self-defense and criminal damage/indeed arson.
Twenty are you trying to tell us something here. This post is like something from a Criminal and Tort problem question! ;)
keening. good word. liked the phoenixes as well.
I’m wondering if mass castration might have played a part in reducing the number of casualties, the impact on so many lives, and the involvement and distruction of so many modes of transport, caused your fruit kicking adventure, infact I’m wondering if it might have prevented the punting of the said produce in the first place, just a thought…!
Chaos theory..
Only in Ireland you spankers. Thank God I don’t live anywhere near you fruitmolesters (Mary sounded ok though – the violent ones are always the most fun).
My Grandaddy had to flee after the revolution (being a B special hadn’t won him many friends). Cool though how yous all fell over yourselves to give me an Irish passport tho I ain’t even blessed your country with my footprints yet.
Nice passport, gets me into the EU and saved me lots of $$$ in Africa where the Irish can enter many countries for nicks. Fun watching the other whities cough up. Thank God for Ireland and that I live on the opposite side of the world.
Yes, I too am glad you live far away.
“hick”
is actually 6-0, nineteen major.
Bad boy it is then.
@ sheepworrier…
“wizard’s sleeve”….hmmm….
where did I hear that one before…
perchance from the same mouth that expelled;
“She was wetter than an otter’s pocket…”