The chipper
Posted on | August 6, 2007 | 28 Comments
Food after beer is always a good idea and someone else making you food and handing it to you in a brown paper bag is an even better idea.
I often stop on the way home at the local chipper, Italian run, natch, for some late night sustenance. Salty chips, spice burgers, battered sausages, onion rings, it’s all good stuff. This place hasn’t diversified like so many other chippers where you can go and get pizzas and fake KFC and kebabs and all manner of stuff. It’s run by two brothers. Tony, who is the eldest, and Anthony, who is, as you might have gathered, younger than Tony.
I was feeling rather peckish last night on my way back from Ron’s, where we’d been discussing which country you’d send that fat fucking prick Brendan O’Connor to if you had the chance. I was leaning towards the Belgians but Jimmy was insisting we had to send him to Burkino Faso after some Western Union agent from there had fucked him around the month before when he went on holidays in Italy and ran out of money escaping from a mafia crime family whose dog he ran over. Again and again.
Anyway, the point is I went in to get something to eat.
“Evening, lads”, I said.
“Hello there, Twenty”, said Tony. “How are you tonight?”
“Could be worse. And you?”
“Not so good, my smoking friend. Not so good.”
“What’s up then?”
“Ahh, some problems with the health inspectors. They’re always going around the place inspecting for health and frankly, Twenty, my customers neither need nor expect health.”
“You have a point there. What happened?”
“Well, this busy-body know-it-all from the country, of all places, comes in with a clipboard and a pen and starts going around the place checking stuff. Food not fully frozen in storage, he says. Leptospirosis found on the chopping boards. Traces of Ebola discovered in the oil. Mixamatosis in the onions. Foot and mouth in the Brazilianly imported burgers. 1,453,003 different bacteria found on the salt and vinegar shakers. Potato analysis shows they contain asbestos. Ketchup found to contain real blood. He’s slapped me with 7 different violations which I have to clean up within 30 days or he’ll shut me down. He says people could contract serious illnesses from eating my food.”
“Fucking hell, that’s a bit serious.”
“Ahh, hi there, Twenty”, said Anthony. “What’re you having?”
“Large chips, battered sausage, a spice burger and two onion rings.”
“Anything to drink?”
“6 cans of San Miguel.”
“Grand.”
It’s noble work, that of a chipper man.
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28 Responses to “The chipper”
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August 6th, 2007 @ 1:27 am
If you’re goin the chipper, bring us back the smell.
August 6th, 2007 @ 5:45 am
Ah fuck, hjere I sit at work, starving and thousands of miles away from a proper chipper and I cna smell the fat and vinegar and I’m fucking famished and I’m drooling now you horrible cunt. I’d cheerfully choke a child for battered sausage and chips dripping with vinegar.
August 6th, 2007 @ 8:10 am
chip sandwiches and the melted butter dripping through your fingers…the memories
August 6th, 2007 @ 9:36 am
A chipper is a machine used in the Asphalting of road surfaces, I doubt if any of those diseases are to be found on this type of machine, the high temperature and the chemicals used render it sterile, but I still can’t see why anybody would want to eat their supper from a machine that was used in the building of the M50…..
August 6th, 2007 @ 10:17 am
everyone’s local chipper makes the best chips in the country.
How dey do dat?
August 6th, 2007 @ 10:19 am
theres a new hygiene rating system up here an my local chipper got 0 stars outta 5.
Ive always had my doubts over the sausage meat (a strange lack of stray animals in that part of the city), but nothing short of finding mary harney bathing in the chip fat will put me off eatin in there.
’2 chips with harney sauce, please’
August 6th, 2007 @ 10:24 am
And how do they make the smell of the chips float upwind?
August 6th, 2007 @ 11:24 am
To my knowledge no one has ever died from eating grub from the chipper….oh GOD I can smell the Fairview Grill from Galway..you can’t get more upwind than that.Do you know that for an extra 90cent they’ll throw a fried egg on top of you bag of chips….
August 6th, 2007 @ 11:49 am
They dont have chippers over here I really miss them especially at night after the pub. when i go home I will get chicken balls and curry sauce the first night from the chineese and after that chippers each night after the pub I plan to put on weight again after all my healty eating here
August 6th, 2007 @ 1:23 pm
MacDara! the only place you can get chickens with balls, is Co Longford, they’r tough down there!
August 6th, 2007 @ 1:26 pm
Chips with pink sauce. Can’t bate it.
August 6th, 2007 @ 1:44 pm
Why send him abroad? I know a chipper in Galway we could shove him in for a couple of years, while we run a charity your a star to decide. I hear Diego Garcia might be a good place, Burkino Faso might do it too. We could also take his female fellow co-host and cut off some lamb shanks for the Sunday roast. Women hating auld harridan. Does she have a neck? Seems to connect to her torso in an almost Harney-esque goitreish style. Must admit to being a mah-usive fan of battered Mars Bars from the Sea Shell off Townsend St. Heart Attack in your hand. For those of you who are true Chipper epicureans, I have yet to find a better places than Leo Burdocks and The Henry and Rose in Bray (Yeah I know).
August 6th, 2007 @ 2:18 pm
Theres a wee chipper in Crossgar Co. Down, forget the name of it, but its fookin gorgeous.
However I’m a firm believer that the best chippy in the world is always the one you manage to stagger to at 3am, bollocksed and starved in equal measure.
August 6th, 2007 @ 2:58 pm
One of the best chippers in Ireland is in Friary Street in Kilkenny and run by an Irishwoman named Breda Hehir.Speciality of the house?…a ring of black pudding in batter!!!…heart attack in a bag but gorgeous!
August 6th, 2007 @ 3:01 pm
Batter Burgers – The Food of Kings!
August 6th, 2007 @ 4:10 pm
The Sea Shell is closed down now.
August 6th, 2007 @ 4:13 pm
Holy moly! I had no clue. Was it health and safety or some other reason? I noticed the building above was beginning to fall down!
August 6th, 2007 @ 4:16 pm
No idea, I walk past it at least once a week and it’s been closed for a few weeks now.
August 6th, 2007 @ 4:51 pm
Chickens don’t have ball, roosters have balls, except for capons of course. They’re liberals.
August 6th, 2007 @ 5:52 pm
Mourns the loss of an institution in the battering of Mars, Snickers (aka: Marathons) and Cream Eggs.
August 6th, 2007 @ 7:14 pm
Forget all this deep fried crap, and all that battered bollocks, Goji berries and Wheat grass is the stuf you should be eating, Iv’e seen it, Goji berries is the future!…..
August 6th, 2007 @ 7:24 pm
I’ve never had deep fried choccy bars so perhaps I’m not qualified to comment on their disgustingness but I like a chip shop that sticks to the original stuff.(…although I do wonder what deep fried wheatgrass tastes like now sixe ten)
August 6th, 2007 @ 8:32 pm
Dream chip shop, you get to eat crap and then lose all the weight via illness – should be mandatory.
August 6th, 2007 @ 10:50 pm
deep fried battered pizzas – there’s real food!
August 7th, 2007 @ 3:20 am
The one enormous omission out here on the other side of the Atlantic (that’s wrong, Seattle in Pacific rim -but you know what I mean) is the complete and utter dearth of chippers. Now there are actually one or two places that sell something that resembles fish and chips but there’s no onion ring, kebabs, pickled eggs, saveloys or Jamaica patties. It’s not the same, though and I pine for this stuff. Especially chips that agglutinate and fall out of the bag and onto the plate in one lump. Now I’m hungry just thinking about this…
August 7th, 2007 @ 7:53 am
Dont knock the deep fried mars bar until you have tried it. Its like getting an escalator to heaven.
August 7th, 2007 @ 6:54 pm
What a Chippie. A heart attack in a bag and a carry out to go. Was it expensive?
August 10th, 2007 @ 10:46 pm
I met Brendan O’Connor in Madigan’s in Donnybrook when I was working there a couple of years ago as a barmaid. What a sleazy bastard. He spent the whole night talking to me about how people can’t possibly be expected to stay together forever and how everyone told him his wife was lovely but he couldn’t be arsed going home to her tonight. To top it all off, at closing time, before he and his weird RTE friends grabbed a taxi to go to some stupid bar for twats in town, he tried to force me to take a E from him “as a present” and to come into town with him. I had to say no, he being a stupid fat, feckin eejit and everything. It’s no coincidence he has a food column in the indo , although it’s far from balsamic vinegar he was raised.