“I went to the doctor the other day”, said Stinking Pete, “and he told me I’ve got ADD”.
“Arse Disgustingness Disorder? You don’t need a doctor to tell you that.”
“No, Attention Deficit Disorder.”
“Actually”, said Dirty Dave, “it’s now known as ADHD”.
“What’s the H for?”
“Hyperactivity. So you have, in fact, got Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.”
“Shit, that sounds worse. I knew a lad who was hyperactive once. He was fucking mad. He set a field at the back of his house on fire using a pile of petrol soaked cats as kindling. No joke. Also, he was arrested when he tried to cut off his mother’s hand with a small hatchet.”
“And what”, I asked, “led the doctor to this diagnosis?”
“Well, you know the way I’m always fidgeting and have to be doing something with my hands? Well, I realised that I can’t just sit still and do nothing. I always have to be doing something. I was afraid I was becoming autistic so I went along for the check up.”
“So, let me get this straight, the fact that you find sitting completely still staring at a wall, for example, boring and you’d rather read a book or watch TV or doodle on a sketch pad that you bought in Easons using a 2B pencil means you’ve got this ADHD?”
“Exactly. He asked me if, when I was in school, I had problems paying attention in class and I had to admit I did.”
“Ah yes, God forbid children might have problems paying attention in school. It must mean they have some kind of disorder instead of being objectionable little cunts who just need a few smacks in the head with a duster to put some manners on them.”
“How cynical you are, Twenty. This thing is real and it’s something I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life.”
“So, what was his cure? Ritalin? Valium? Xanex?”
“Nope. Aubergine.”
“Aubergine?”
“Yes. He said that if I ate two aubergii a week then it would sort my problem out.”
“Ok, so you eat two of them a week and then you can keep completely still and not do anything instead of doing something. That’s good to know. Wouldn’t you just rather read a book or watch TV or doodle on a sketch pad that you bought in Easons using a 2B pencil?”
“You know, I think I probably would. And I fucking hate aubergine, disgusting fucking thing it is.”
“Good man. Dave, hand me my duster.”
It’s true, Aubergii are disgusting as are Turnipii and Brussell Sprii.
You’re such a cabbii, Walt.
Be no creative people left in the country if the Irsh Educational system had it’s way. If you can’t pay attention to English, Irish and Maths, you’re sent to the remedial class. You’re 9 years of age and you’re labelled thick. You might as well throw yourself off a high building on the way home from school.
Take dextrin, Its a mild form of speed. Ask your doctor for it! You can then sell it to your mates.
your dead right twenty, ADHD my arse. Nerver had that when I was at school. It is an excuse for bad parenting at the expense of their supposedly deranged child.
ADHD: Ah De Hopeless Dumass
Dum (B) ass rather!
I blame Tesco.
All Tescii are cunts.
2b pencil are not as tasty as crayons (crayii?)
Bit harsh on the aubergii. The Dirtmeister should grill them with some sesame seeds, garlic and oyster sauce, they’re also nice sliced, crumbed and fried, but… why eggplant? Is it because it is such a feckless fruit??
Wouldn’t that put the wind up the big pharmaceutical companies if a unpopular pallid little vegetable could fix the problems of the world??
My grocer proudly presented me with a huge aubergine from his storeroom last week, & I have to say it was damn good – only a dollar, too. It’s just as well, coz the little girl flowers on the eggplants in my backyard just won’t get jiggy – subsequently no organic eggplants for me :{{
I too have attention defi hey look at that piece of dust, there, that piece of dust. Wow.
what was I reading?
Oh fuck why did my parents needed to be stoned and drunk when they created me?
Aubergii 1 Jaysus what’s wrong with a few pork chops an apple sauce? Bet that feckin Doctor owns a veggie shop greedy sod.
I like my vegetables (Brussels sprouts, especially) but what is aubergine?
Egg plant
Ah, and have you all had Adderall prescribed for your babies? It’s essentially speed. Talk about screwing up what’s already screwed up.
This is a lovely post and quite spot on.
Pingback: Bouncing Off the Walls « Frothing at Le Mouse
I nearly peed myself reading this. I’ve had two administrators at my son’s school try to get me to push for an ADHD diagnosis. My doctor’s conclusion was that he was a normal, fidgeting boy. Ha!
I love this blog.
My oldest son has the penmanship of a serial killer. When he was in third grade, I asked the teacher if there was something we could do do improve it. She pushed for an ADD diagnosis-no hyperactivity. WTF? For bad handwriting? Screw that.
Gawd you are all so BRITTY!
LOVE it – keep it up!