Who’s with me?
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on July 20th, 2007
Right, here’s what we’ll do.
We’ll set up a ‘chick-lit’ blog in which we’ll discuss and pore over the latest chick-lit releases. Then once we start getting some traffic we’ll begin to publish some of our own chick-lit stories and this will make the blog incredibly popular. Then what we’ll do is hawk ourselves around to publishers who will pay us a fortune for a two book deal simply because of the genre we’re writing in.
We’ll slap out a couple of books a year, with gaudy pink titles and pretty models on the front who look like they’ve had their hearts broken but who, deep down, are strong women who can cope - once they have their friends and tubs of ice-cream to eat in their pyjamas! LOL.
We’ll sell the film rights, buy a big fucking castle and sit there drinking expensive brandy and laughing at the real writers who scratch around for fuck all.
‘Oh’, we’ll say, ‘I hear that fellow only got a four figure deal (and two of those were after the decimal point) and we’re well on our way to a seven figure deal to follow up our six figure deal’.
Load of cunt.
I hear that many weemen killing serial killers start out by talking like this. I’m with ya.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:35 am
Twenty are you finding life as an author more difficult than you expected?
Chick Lit is like porn for men its degrading and sleezy but for some reason you cant help looking at it.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:44 am
1
I was staying in a hotel a few weekends ago and I went into the lounge and there was about 5 or 6 people there all in front of laptops. Then there was this cute girl on the couch, curled up reading Kafka. I fell in love with her instantly. I suppose it was a mixture of her being quite hot, the cosy way she was sitting there snuggly like a kitten reading a writer I like and not hooked up to a laptop, while the rest were probably on yahoo messenger talking muck to their laptops. I’m not sure what my point is here…. hot chicks who read Kafka while relaxing in hotels catch my eye or something ?
Who knows. I’m too bored of myself to try to understand.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:46 am
2
Chick-lit is the Westlife of reading.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:48 am
3
I’m in.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:51 am
4
Why Mr Twenty,
There was moi thinking you had no soul, what a wonderful inspired notion.
Twenty - he held out a packet of cigarettes, “These are Italian. Do you mind?” He cupped the flame of his lighter, unnecessarily carefully and guided it towards her, so she had time to notice his hands, suprisingly well shaped for a man who spent his day blogging, the nicotene stains further added to his allure. She could help wondering what if!!!!!!
Of course may have to change the ould name Biddy to Titia/titania/chrystelle from the wetlands
And feck off Marion, Cecilia, kathy and Fay
July 20th, 2007 at 9:59 am
5
Count me in…now do we all sit around hundreds of typewriters and then surely we can come up with some utter tripe between us that can pass as said books?
July 20th, 2007 at 10:17 am
6
Yeah, I knew this girl once so I reckon I can give it a shot..
July 20th, 2007 at 10:25 am
7
ah its just escapism plus they can’t be that shit if there so popular mr twenty sir
July 20th, 2007 at 10:28 am
8
Ahh, so the Crazy Frog wasn’t shit because it was popular. Thanks for clearing that up, ally.
I had laboured under the impression that it was shit because it was shit.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:32 am
9
Chick Lit is Shit Lit for sure - but am in like Flynn on this Twenty - loads of bollox story lines already stored up in what passes for my brain - Biddy is on the right track - also need plenty of throbbing members and an impossible situation to overcome - like one of the main characters has rabies, or a very sick child or some such and of course the presence of some modern phenomenon such as a YouTube addiction. Telling you - our pot of gold would make tomorrow night’s lotto look cheap.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:45 am
10
ok ok well then why do people buy them ?? do they go into easons on a Sat morning and say, “o gollie gosh theres that book i heard it was an absolute piece of shit, I mean even Ray Shah said it was shit, o look its only 16 euro, wheres the que” nooo my dear different tastes perhaps!
July 20th, 2007 at 10:47 am
11
It’s because people are stupid cunts, ally.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:48 am
12
How did you find out I’m Deirdre Purcell?
July 20th, 2007 at 10:54 am
13
What we need is a new genre. “Dick-lit” is what’s needed Twenty. Blue book covers with pictures of guys who’ve been screwed over, but don’t give a shit and are off to have a shedload of pints with the lads before a trip to the titty bar and finished up with a kebab/puke combo on the way home. There’ll have to abe a page three of course.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:55 am
14
Here, allow me.
Strong independent girl with zany friends, falls for cad.
Cad treats girl badly, girl loves cad all the more.
Cad cheats on girl with ice queen(thin)
Girl cries to friends, they shop.
Girl meets nice boy. Nice boy likes girl, girl finds niceness off putting.
Girls continue to shop, laugh, cry and hug.
Cad returns, being caddish, girl almost falls for him again.
Girl friends stop her, waggle fingers, cry hug, maybe one quick fight, some tears. Pledges of lifetime love.
Lonely time, resolve time, ice cream time.
NIce boy turns up in rain-with ice cream.
Girl forgets he has no balls and falls into his arms.
Cad lives lonely wishful life of cocaine fast cars and hot bitches.
Everyone pities him.
GIrl marries boy, gains twelve stone, does Lipotrim and accuses everyone who says she is fat of being ‘negative’.
Friends agree.
Eat Ice-cream.
Boy visits Boiler House regularly.
The end.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:55 am
15
haha
July 20th, 2007 at 10:56 am
16
has this something to do with George Hook?
July 20th, 2007 at 10:59 am
17
Fatmammycat’s Diary…coming to a cinema near you :)
July 20th, 2007 at 11:10 am
18
Hmm let me see, given that the best selling literary genre is Chick Lit, we are to assume that the vast majority of the book buying population are in deed Chick Lit fans are we not? so my dear if your book becomes a best seller the law of averages would suggest that a large proportion of those who bought your book are in fact ’stupid cunts’. So when you’re standing in the some fancy smansey hotel accepting your bestseller award what approach will you take? Will you sacrifice your book deal in the name of “good writing”, perhaps something like ” I’d like to thank all me fans, I’d especially like to thank me biggest fans, the unique members of the blogashere but most importantly I’d like to thank the Stupid Cunts, cause without you I wouldn’t be here”. You will, you will in your shite!
July 20th, 2007 at 11:11 am
19
But you forgot to include “girl’s slutty but insecure friend cheats with cad. girl forgives her, followed by ice cream.”
July 20th, 2007 at 11:12 am
20
Dammit, you’re right Conor B! What as I thinking? But wait, I can use that as a whole NEW book!
July 20th, 2007 at 11:15 am
21
True to formula, our heroine has to have a super rich bitchy adversary with a multi barrelled surname - may I suggest - Fanny Twapper Von Claggs?
July 20th, 2007 at 11:22 am
22
The other day you said poems are gay. They’re certainly not as gay as chicklit, and here’s a poem by Anon. to prove it.
Life presents a dismal picture,
All around is doom and gloom;
Father has an anal stricture,
mother has a fallen womb.
In the corner squats Jemima,
never laughs and rarely smiles.
What a wretched occupation,
cracking ice for father’s piles!
Uncle Henry was transported
for a homosexual crime,
and the housemaid has aborted
for the twenty-second time.
Our new baby’s no exception
for he’s always having fits.
Every time he cries he pukes and
every time he laughs he shits.
Cousin Joseph won the Hackney
Masturbation marathon.
But he died of self-expression
when he buggered Uncle John.
Bert the postman called this morning,
stuck his penis through the door.
We could not, despite endearment,
get it out till half-past four.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:24 am
23
If any chicklit millionaire-esses out there want to have their heroine in their next book desert the dotcom start-up millionaire with the house in Killiney for a feckless semi-deranged social retard who picks his spots in between posting comments on this blog, and would like to base the character on me, please get in touch.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:27 am
24
Jesus, you sound like a dream…..swoon….
July 20th, 2007 at 11:29 am
25
Ahhhh you’re right fatmammaycat. You don’t want to include too much plot in the first book. The target audience might get confused!
July 20th, 2007 at 11:31 am
26
If it was up to me Home Alone 2 would have been a long drawn out court case, a la Gary Glitter
July 20th, 2007 at 11:35 am
27
Careful there Ally. If you start suggesting that popularity equals quality, you’re going to find yourself under an avalanche of counter arguments. Remember, a lot more people go to clubs to watch women strip than go to the theatre to watch Shakespeare.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:35 am
28
Based on the Irish Blogosphere.
She had a blog, so did he. Their love blossomed as they grew to love each others cheeky little takes on new Web developments and SEO marketing. Often controversial, he didn’t mince words. She felt powerfully attracted by this rapier wit, particularly when discussing the finer points of Firefox.
Anastasia felt a delicous thrill every time he left an acerbic comment on her blog. They swapped emails and Steeles were forcefull, urgent. Reading them in work she felt a delicious flush rise through her whole body. Oh oh, What was happening to her? The only thing that could calm her raging desire was the buying of shoes. Kitten heels, naughty little red stilletos …
July 20th, 2007 at 11:35 am
29
Friday, 20th July 2007
24 Stone, 1lb (Yippee! Lost 1 whole pound!)
7 Choc Ices
3 pancakes
3 Breakfastr McMuffins
4 Fags
Lunch:
7 Fags
2 Snack Box
4 Diet Coke
2 Pt Bulmers
3 Fags
Dinner:
15 Fags
2 Cod and Chips
8 Pt Bulmers
4 Packs Scampi Fries
1 Curry Chips
Oh i do wish this Diet would end, Its so Terribly, Terribly hard to cut down like this.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:53 am
30
I’m with ye Twenty.
May I be so bold as to suggest that the following ingredients be tossed into the potboiler?
- Horses.
- Doctor love interest.
- Distant relationship with one parent which gets resolved at the end.
- A jealous friend who is on the wrong side of the tracks.
- Going back to the village for a funeral.
- A flat in Rathmines.
- An unwanted pregnancy.
- An internal struggle with your repressive catholic upbringing.
- An angry bible-bashing priest/nun.
- A house fire.
- A phase where parties and drinking distract you from your studies/work but you eventually see the error of your ways.
- Finding out that the rich girl was only a fly-by-night friend and that her brother with whom you slept was not as nice as he first appeared.
- A tempting offer to go to America/Australia which falls through due to one of the above.
Come on a few more of these and the fecker will write itself.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:55 am
31
Ah Lads……..we need more feelings.
Twenty reclined on one elbow, on the off white plastic lounger, his profile hawklike, his hot eyes gazed at her intently, was it pain she momentarily glimpsed in those dark deep pools, earlier she couldnt help noticing his well covered posterier unbecomingly squeezed into micro shorts.
His mouth half open, a habit he had when particularly engrossed, it made him look like a gobshite she decided, like a bogger, but she was unable to ignore a certain grace, a certain jack the ripper like quality. A picture that instantly created in her a longing for one of his fags.
Think Im on bog roll here………………
July 20th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
32
Twenty,
To hell with the book. The aul blog looks like it’s fucked. And she does it without resorting to childish shit like above. Although you might need to change to chinese characters to start competing
http://www.guardian.co.uk/china/story/0,,2130674,00.html
July 20th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
33
Ok, ok, off the subject a bit, alright it’s totally off - I was searching for inspiration (ahem) when I came across this http://www.rte.ie/news/2007/0720/germany.html….so many jokes, so many jokes…..
July 20th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
34
he he he he he i win sir!!!
July 20th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
35
“ah its just escapism plus they can’t be that shit if there so popular mr twenty sir”
Harry Potter’s popular, and it’s shit.
Big Brother’s popular, and it’s shit.
Westlife are popular, and they’re shit.
The problem is, people are idiots. They’d rather fill their lives with absolute mediocrity and fit in with the crowd than actually take a good look at things and realise that there’s very little under the surface. It’s the equivalent of putting their hands over their ears and shouting la la la for their entire lives.
*steps down off soap box*
July 20th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
36
P.S. I Love you.
Ich Liebe Dick!
A Place Called here.
July 20th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
37
I’m in…
“I know,” she said, her eyes widening as she looked up at his chiselled features….
July 20th, 2007 at 1:12 pm
38
Biddy, Thats some good stuff there you should consider writing a book .
July 20th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
39
Now lets just get something straight here the vast majority of the population are wrong are idiots and you the minority areeeee what right emm hmm sure sure glad we established that.
July 20th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
40
And then Pete2007 had too close his blog as 350 million Harry Potter fans dstarted abusing him for calling Harry shit on the day of the Release of his last and greatest book.
July 20th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
41
I think bird books are a shit just as much as the next man, but if I was offered €100,000 to do one I would have no problem writing anything they wanted.
July 20th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
42
Cecilia Ahern is the Irish female Tom Clancy of the literary world, as best I can figure.
Fortunately, it’s still possible to just not give a shit so that’s how I get by.
RE: Harry Potter - the only good thing I can think of about the books being so popular is that Sergei Lukyanenko’s vastly superior Night Watch trilogy is being marketed as being written by “russia’s answer to J K Rowling”, which should get it extra media attention. Which it deserves cos it’s bloody good. (Has anyone gotten round to killing Anne Rice for making everyone associate vampires with chick-lit style writing, incidentally? Cos if they haven’t they should…)
July 20th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
43
Perhaps we could have some stories about a bunch of felines set in an American hospital… Cat-Litt-Er.
July 20th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
44
Nah lads, what you really need to do is identify a new demographic that hasn’t yet been targeted with mainstream trashy fiction, then write a novel with stereotyped cliched “Sexy” characters in that demographic. Then you hawk the rights to the novel to a tv station and end up with a hugely succesful yet intrinsically shit product, until you point out the existence of this thread which shows that you were *aware* of the shitness from day one, rendering the whole thing an ironic comment on society or something.
Personally, I suggest Bic-lit - a genre exploring the radical shifts in Irish social culture since the introduction of the smoking ban and the rise of “smirting”. Follow a bunch of sexy twentysomethings as they smirt their way around Dublin’s most overpriced, ponce-filled pubs!
(Oh god, I feel faintly dirty for having thought of that now…)
July 20th, 2007 at 2:07 pm
45
‘And then Pete2007 had too close his blog as 350 million Harry Potter fans dstarted abusing him for calling Harry shit on the day of the Release of his last and greatest book.’
What are they going to do? Cast spells on me? Bring on the legions of 12 year olds and really odd 30 something year old fans. I’m literally quaking in my shoes!
July 20th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
46
Why has no one mentioned Clit-lit yet? Thats my favourite kind… Closely followed by Tit-lit
July 20th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
47
How about a new genre called “SHIT-LICK” where loads of fat boring tossers buy and eat steaming piles of turd and ingest them while hanging out at slumber parties with their equally boring pals? It a lot easier that writing the utter drivel they read and it’ll leave our target audience of sad and lonley spinsters with ronnies with a better taste in their mouth… I’ve aleady started on my first chapter by having a kebab for lunch…
July 20th, 2007 at 3:12 pm
48
I’d love to feel so supreior that I can call vast amounts of people stupid cunts or odd.
But I guess the majority of people are as stupid as sheep and will just go with flow rather than find their own way.
July 20th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
49
Well funny you should mention a book Macdara, so hope its successful shiite chick lit, beats dodging katusha rockets for a crust……………….
July 20th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
50
Kyle! Agreed, I have the nighwatch trilogy here, very very good stuff!
July 20th, 2007 at 3:49 pm
51
I do really have the urge to find out the ending of the last Harry Potter book and spoil it for everyone I come across who’s looking forward to it, but then I’d rather spend my time working on my superiority complex.
July 20th, 2007 at 4:41 pm
52
Kerry Katona is selling her crime ordeal story to Cecilia Ahearne
There’s a new book called
Another load of attention seeking shite; I’m off to Iceland for a burger, fancy one?
July 20th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
53
there’s a chick lit blog, where ?
the real killer will be when the chick lit books outsell yours 50:1 - oh well, what you going to do, guess everyone is that dumb.
July 20th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
54
I’m with Mr. Garrison on this one
“Well, women want to read about ding-dongs! D’you thnk women care about the details of female anatomy?! Hel-lo! Women wanna read about big, poweful schlongs! Look, I’ve seen women read these things. They skim along and skim along until they get to the part about the penis! That’s what they want, so that’s what I’m giving them!”
July 20th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
55
“she looked up at his chiselled features….”
Had he just been tortured by the Westies and his head stuck on a spike in Nielstown?
July 20th, 2007 at 7:16 pm
56
fatmammycat …
I want to do a chick lit, but more of the group working together.
Sex in Cork City (There is a street in Cork actually called “Lovers Walk”. Well, more of a dark alley really)
Twenty…
the money is also in childrens fiction with a twist..
Any way to combine them in a non abuse way?
July 20th, 2007 at 10:23 pm
57
The kids market is a good idea Wil, especially now that hack has finished coughing up the wanky Potter series.
And then there’s the adult market.
Chick lit with dirty pictures, everyone’s happy.
July 21st, 2007 at 8:45 am
58
Could you do companion books?
Mary is a girl about town, and guardian for her little brother Harvey. Odd things happen around here on her search in the big city for love while looking after Harvey.
Harvey is 12. His big sister looks after him since the accident which killed his parents. He is infacta young street mage, learning his craft in the alleys of the city. And to make things worse, it seems that the worst of magical forces in after his sister… and trying to, ahem, date her.
There you go, 2 books in which events constantly intersect. Things that Mary sees have to be rationalised out for those not reading Harvey’s story.
Things that Harvey sees have to be toned down for the children’s section.
So you get your chick-lit, your kids market and your cake to eat too.
July 21st, 2007 at 1:19 pm
59
How about martial-arts-eco-chick-lit? A group of young ladies with kung-fu skills become concerned about the environment, and do battle with an evil American corporation that wants to bulldoze a nature reserve so they can build a diet pill factory. Then the mysterious, handsome Jake turns up and bones each one of them in turn. Soon the girls are kung-fu-ing each other instead of the Americans. Will the girls come to their senses in time to unite and defeat the evil planet-wrecking capitalists, or will they get AIDS instead?
July 21st, 2007 at 7:22 pm
60
maybe it’s so popular because Chick Lit sounds very like “Lick Clit” … a very thinly disguised subliminal message which no sexually repressed Irish catholic woman could resist
July 27th, 2007 at 9:22 pm
61