The news is boring
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on July 18th, 2007
“Have you noticed”, said Stinking Pete, who last night was particularly stinking after the consumption of some cured meat that had cured itself down the back of his washing machine when he’d dropped it there a few months previously, “that the news at the moment is very boring?”
“To be honest with you”, I said, “I hadn’t really been paying too much attention. I’ve been far too busy living the outdoor life in this wonderful climate we have.”
“Right, well, if you saw a news story about €200m of cocaine washing up on a shore it’d make the start of a great film, wouldn’t it? Then some crazy South Americans would come to get their gear back and they’d knock off a few police until the Irish Starsky and Hutch sorted them out and scored some unseasonably hot dames along the way. And there’d be explosions and car chases and stuff. What happens here? We find €200m worth of coke off the Cork coast and three half-drowned Englishmen. That’s shit.”
“Yeah, I suppose it is.”
“Eircom are about to go on strike, are they? Poor Eircom employees. I was talking to a mate of Lasher Ryan whose brother knows a lad who works in sales there, fucking gangster he is apparently, and they just got a big fat tax free cheque the other week on the back of that share issue years back that every cunt in the country lost money on.”
“You don’t say.”
“I do say. And they want to strike. Boring. Bertie’s finances. Boring. People being killed on the roads. Boring. Sure look at the murder-suicide in Wicklow the other day. The son, who’s in his 40s now, shoots his elderly parents then kills himself. And are we really that fucking shocked? It’s like there’s one happening every other week. ‘Oh, I’m depressed. I think I’ll smother my own children then kill myself. That’ll teach them’. Yeah yeah. Change the fucking record, Leo Sayer. We’ve heard it all before. Do something different you sad bastard. John Gormley has been appointed leader of the Greens has he? Oh, who the fuck is John Gormley? See?! He’s so boring I forgot who he was while I was in the middle of talking about him.”
“So what? Are you looking for some natural disaster? An act of terrorism? After the initial thrill you kind of bored of the blanket coverage very quickly.”
“Yeah. I dunno. I just wish the news was a bit more interesting.”
Just then Dirty Dave came over, looking all excited.
“You’ll never guess what I just did.”
“No, I never will. Tell me.”
“I was just at home and I was naked on the floor practising my yoga and I managed to lick my own arsehole!”
I sighed.
“Ron, put on the news there, would ya?”
Is Dave the Strange Little Boy?
July 18th, 2007 at 1:00 am
Is there a constant noise in his head?
July 18th, 2007 at 2:18 am
1
LOL, brilliant! Between that and Sweary noticing that People are Being Stabbed, I barely heard the thunder & lightning for laughing, thanks, Twenty.
Sure you wouldn’t want to live anywhere else xx
P.S. Who’s Leo Sayer?
July 18th, 2007 at 2:58 am
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I hope Dirty Dave was wearing a condom
July 18th, 2007 at 7:14 am
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The Japanese have a way of making the news more interesting. I was listening to the BBC World Service yesterday and they were talking about a Japanese TV station where the news reporters are naked, not only that but while they read the news of the Day ( Serious stuff and stock markets etc) they have other people tickling the naked readers with feathers.
It may just catch on .
July 18th, 2007 at 7:32 am
4
Bravo.
July 18th, 2007 at 8:36 am
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Being able to lick his own arsehole?
Yet another thing that Bastardface and Dave have in common.
July 18th, 2007 at 8:40 am
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Back a few years ago I was round my then girlfriend’s house for christmas dinner, after dinner we were all sat around staring at each other, there was a dog sat in the middle of the room, and like Dirty Dave he was lickind his balls and arsehole, so to break the boredome I whispered to my girlfriend “I wish I could do that” she she said why dont you, so I got down on the floor, soon as my tongue touched his balls the bastard bit me, her father kicked me,and her mother started barking at me,..that fucking dog never did like me!
July 18th, 2007 at 9:02 am
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Indeed the news is shite nowadays. When will the Dail open again?
July 18th, 2007 at 9:08 am
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Analingusturbation…
Thats a BIG score in scrabble…
July 18th, 2007 at 9:32 am
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Just think a little bit further with the tongue, and Dave would be able to clean the smeg and fluff out of the crack of his arse. Now theres a trick.
July 18th, 2007 at 9:55 am
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If he can lick his own arse he won’t need a special advisor. He should teach Bertie and the boys a few positions, he’ll save the country a fortune.
July 18th, 2007 at 10:31 am
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Being able to lick his own arsehole?
Yet another thing that Bastardface and Dave have in common.
I won’t even start about the tails…
July 18th, 2007 at 10:37 am
12
If he could go further and stick his head up his own arse he could have a show on News Talk instead of Vincent Brown.
I have to love the neck of a guy who writes about the value of Tribunals except for the one his friend is involved in.
“Century module….was a piece of codology (I acknowledge a bias …Oliver Barry, was and is a close friend but I believe the findings of the tribunal were grossly unfair and wrong …
Yes Tribunals are Great Vincent especially when you can pick and chose which one are good.
July 18th, 2007 at 10:50 am
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So Dirty Dave is your, um, flexible friend?
July 18th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
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You’ll have to change his name to Chip’n'pin.
July 18th, 2007 at 2:40 pm
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I’ll be laughing my ass off for the rest of the day Twenty. You brought a ray of sunshine into a dreary rainy day. Oh! I almost forgot, you’re in Ireland and don’t know what sunshine is.
July 18th, 2007 at 4:35 pm
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Did you mention John Gormley? Isn’t he the bloke who like to be seen as a Green ? A FF bowling green!!
July 19th, 2007 at 2:08 am
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Now I know that he gets his name from his complete lack of hygeine. So was it as much fun as when someone else does it for him - I spose it was cheaper at least.
July 20th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
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