The evil of the €200m coke
Posted on | July 3, 2007 | 24 Comments
“See that down in Cork, Twenty?”, said Dirty Dave.
“See what down in Cork?”, I replied.
“That €200m worth of cocaine they found in the sea. I reckon some eejit’s in big trouble now. I mean, they go to the trouble of making all that cocaine and instead of driving it straight to the southside of Dublin for mid-30s professionals to toot at dinner parties and then engage in wife-swapping and key parties they decide to bring it by sea instead. Fools.”
“Erm…”
“And what are the Gardai doing? Everyone knows that area between Skibbereen and Baltimore is like the Colombia of Europe. Savage gangs growing coca leaves with massive warehouses turning it into cocaine which they then smuggle in bales, or inside ceramic salad bowls which they sell in places like Dunnes Stores Homeware section and Habitat.”
“Are you sure about this, Dave?”
“Oh yeah. I was told by a very important Cork person that this was happening down there as a way of getting at Dubliners. You see, they want the middle-class to become addicted to coke, lose their jobs and families and end up as working class people then a class divide will spark the city into civil war and ultimately destroy the place so Cork can, at last, take its rightful place as capital of Ireland.”
“Dave, how much coke have you done tonight?”
“Four grams.”
“Feeling ok?”
“I feel like talking, Twenty.”
“Did you ever hear that story about S***** N****?”
“What one is that?”
“Well, they say that her nose was so wrecked from taking coke that she used to get a roadie to blow the coke up her arse with a straw.”
“I always thought she was a classy dame. This just confirms it for me.”
“You realise, of course, that doing all that coke is just what those Corkarians want. Soon you’ll turn, Dave, and if that happens we’ll have to have you put to sleep again.”
“Is there no end to their red and white evil, Twenty? Is there?!”
“Just say ‘No’, Dave.”
“No!”
“Jesus..”
Update: Thinking about it, shouldn’t the government do their best to maximise the impact of this haul by selling the cocaine and pouring the money back into the economy or health service?
This is a €200m asset they’ve just floated across and it would be criminal to just leave it rot. Even if they took 50% of the value for a quick sale that’s still €100m which could benefit a lot of people.
They could hire more nurses, finish the M50 more quickly, clean the Spire every month or buy a load more pianos for Cork. The possibilities are endless.
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24 Responses to “The evil of the €200m coke”
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July 3rd, 2007 @ 9:29 am
is the brave little donkey really a coke mule in disguise?
July 3rd, 2007 @ 11:25 am
The whole country must be in shock, the weekend isn’t looking so good. Let’s dedicate tomorrow to all the cokeheads out there you know who you are…..Happy Dependence Day!
July 3rd, 2007 @ 11:26 am
rumours, just rumours
July 3rd, 2007 @ 11:30 am
It’s all true you know. For one thing the Cork middle class are totally immune to cocaine, their noses being too far in the air to ever be able to sniff anything. There’s also a West Cork coastal village called Crookhaven. Say no more.
And this is much more of a problem for Dublin than lets say, county Limerick’s opium poppy cultivation as nearly all of that harvest is used up by the domestic market.
July 3rd, 2007 @ 11:34 am
Oh happy dependence day.
Reminds me of those tales about Daniel O’Connell (El Liberador) and how the family fortune was made smuggling wine in and butter out.
All those south Dublin septic septums will be off in their four-be-fours to wesht cark, beachcombing for a line before the shortage bites.
July 3rd, 2007 @ 11:49 am
re the update – you’re spot on, Twenty. Where’s Eoin Ryan when we need him? Wasn’t he jr min for drugs at one time? Who’s min for drugs now? Needs to be put up on e-tenders right away. Closed bids, and the comtroller and auditor general watching over the process to make sure the civil service keep their snouts out of it.
July 3rd, 2007 @ 1:44 pm
Back to the vodka and redbull for a while then.
July 3rd, 2007 @ 1:53 pm
Stevie Nicks, one time fine thing and singer with Fleetwood Mac, and Lindsey Buckingham partner. Done so much coke John Belushi would have been proud. Bloody successful solo artist too.
Come on Twenty, are you giving in to the threat of corporate libel? freedom of expression is what attracts readers to this here rant you have.
July 3rd, 2007 @ 2:04 pm
seems one of the tree stooges is still missing. if i lost €200 million quids worth of someone’s gear, i’d stay missing too. the call to the coastguard must have been interesting.
July 3rd, 2007 @ 2:30 pm
I was one of the roadies that had to oblige the bould Stevie… It was not the most unpleasant of tasks…
Once while I was blowing the coke up her arse I got called away so had to ask one of the other roadies to take over…
He pulled the straw out of her arse and turned it around and stuck the other end up her arse…
I asked him “What did you do that for?”…
He replied… “Well I’m not putting the same end in my mouth that you had in yours…!”
July 3rd, 2007 @ 2:38 pm
Bloody hell…has anyone warned Robbie Fox there’s a chance of trouble this weekend?
July 3rd, 2007 @ 2:42 pm
Twenty they could do us all a favour and just use the stuff themselves, share it among all 166 TDs and at least the country could get on with running itself.
Actually they should give some to the civil servants but I am sure half of them are already stoned anyway
July 3rd, 2007 @ 2:45 pm
Bloody hell…has anyone warned Robbie Fox there’s a chance of trouble this weekend?
haha
July 3rd, 2007 @ 3:28 pm
ahahahahahLittlesapling, it’s funny cos it’s true.
July 3rd, 2007 @ 3:57 pm
feck dublin and that stupid stiffy you call the spire. that coke money belongs to cork.
typical dub wanting to take our drug money to do up your shithole of a city..
July 3rd, 2007 @ 3:59 pm
I already said we’d buy you more pianos.
July 3rd, 2007 @ 4:46 pm
Cork people should be put in the bin.
July 3rd, 2007 @ 6:24 pm
If you bought pianos for Cork the fuckers would only keep coal in them.
Cunts.
July 3rd, 2007 @ 8:48 pm
instead of wasting the money on health care and stupid bastards that are sick why not use the profit to build a big fuck off wall all around cork to keep the snake like cunts from sneaking into the rest of the country. They always wanted their own republic I say force it on’em.
And if there is any sponds left over we can build giant catapults to hurl giant pianos over the wall at the bastards.
July 3rd, 2007 @ 9:22 pm
Jayzus Christ Twenty, you’re not doing a Flann O’Brien on us, she really did take the “sweet sand wine” up the jaxie.
http://www.nicksfix.com/qmagazine_may2001.htm
Her shite must have been wicked chatty though, now we know where Mr. Hankie comes from, “Hi de ho” indeed….
July 4th, 2007 @ 12:03 am
song for dennis brown
on the day that dennis brown’s lung collapsed, spring rain was misting down on kingston.
and down at the harbor, local cops were intercepting an inbound shipment.
and for a while there it was chaos
as they handcuffed and then roughed up some sailors.
on the day my lung collapses
it’s not going to be much different.
on the day that dennis brown’s habits caught up with him, school children sang in choirs.
and out behind the Chinese restaurants
guys were jumping into dumpsters.
and the stench was overbearing,
but they were past the point of caring.
on the day my habits catch up with me
I’ll be down among the jumpers.
and when the birds come home in spring,
we will fill them full of buckshot.
and jets of contaminated blood
will cloud the rivers and the lakes.
it took all the coke in town to bring down dennis brown.
on the day my lung collapses
we’ll see just how much it takes.
July 4th, 2007 @ 1:39 am
If you bought pianos for Cork the fuckers would only keep coal in them.
Cunts
Well what the feck are you meant to do with pianos, then…?
(a confused Cork resident)
July 4th, 2007 @ 2:04 am
Millions of Euros of Coke in the sea.
Was it found at high water?
July 5th, 2007 @ 2:40 am
My Argentine mate Juan reckons back home the cop shops usually get ram raided after a sea haul. I woudnae wanna be on desk duty in Bantry garda barracks tonight.
If you’re looking for a wee schnifter this weekend try the garda social club on Harrington street in Dublin. I’ll mind ye’re car.
The RNLI summer fundraiser should be fun this year too.