Archive for June, 2007
I heard a rumour
by Twenty Major on June 22nd, 2007
Apparently some old bloke called Noel is building an Ark up beside the Hellfire club.
Monsoon season hits Dublin.
The small differences between two cultures
by Twenty Major on June 22nd, 2007
Salman Rushdie is given a knighthood for managing to produce a raft of tedious, hubristic novels.
Osama Bin Laden is given the equivalent for arranging and funding a bunch of nutters to fly jet airliners into tall buildings.
I bet you’d never have noticed the difference if I hadn’t pointed it out to you.
My Facebook nightmare
by Twenty Major on June 21st, 2007
As everyone else seems to be loving it I thought I’d check out this Facebook thing and see what it was all about. However, I had some problems with the registration procedure.Image heavy post, click more to continue.
Romas living rough by the M50
by Twenty Major on June 21st, 2007
So screams the headline in the Indo this morning and at first I was shocked. How could one of the greatest Dublin chipper families have falled on such hard times?
Surely people were eating chips, ‘fresh’ cod, battered sausages and spice burgers as much as they ever had. Unless with this despicable Green party sharing power people were actually making an effort to eat healthy and organic food. You know, there is nothing you can add to the name of a product that would put me of it more than the word ‘organic’.
For example, given the choice between organic and delicious chicken fillets and shit-flavoured, lice infested, vomit tasting chicken fillets I will buy the latter simply because I hate organic food.
I remember not so long ago going into a supermarket abroad which specialised in organic food. Fuck me, it was the sorriest looking food I ever saw in my life. Cucumbers with tumours on them, flaccid lettuce, dirty looking tomatoes, sagging scallions and spuds that looked like they’d been dug out of Beowulf’s septic arse were the highlights. And for the privilege of being able to buy this organic food you were expected to pay about three times as much as you would pay for normal and more edible veggies.
It’s one of the biggest swizzes ever and I read today that Trevor Sargent wants to actually encourage the production and consumption of organic food. Get fucked, you cunt. Give me mass produced, chemically enhanced, pesticide heavy food any day of the week and you know where you can shove your organic stuff. It’s right up their with Fair Trade coffee and the like. What do I care about the people who pick coffee beans? At the end of the day it’s just fucking coffee and treating people better while they work doesn’t make it taste any better.
As for the Romas living by the M50 they’re just gypsies and should be moved on and on until they reach the edge of the cliffs of Moher. Then they should be moved on just a little bit more.
Sky Handling Partners bastards
by Twenty Major on June 20th, 2007
“Dammit, Twenty”, said Boy George who had just popped in to Ron’s for a quick Babycham, “there I was clicking around some gay dating sites looking for someone to take to Elton and David’s this weekend and I found the perfect man. Then it turns out the whole fucking thing was made up. Those Sky Handling Partners bastards.”
Who am I to argue?
All this suiciding
by Twenty Major on June 20th, 2007
Isn’t there a lot of talk about suicide at the moment. Like the Hula Hoop, Coca Cola ’spinners’ (yoyos) and Panini football cards it appears to be the latest craze. Every time you turn on the news there’s somebody else who has drowned themself or hung themself or taken an overdose.
In Armagh three teenagers from the same school have hung themselves in the last month and a psychologist up there reckons it’s part of a wider pact involving up to 12 students. What the fuck is going on? I know Armagh is not exactly the Riviera but it’s hardly the worst place in the world to live (which is Callan in Co Kilkenny in case you were wondering).
Teenagers today have it much easier than we ever did. They have mobile phones, internet, MP3 players, XWiis and Playboxes, more disposable income and far more prospects than we had but they’re dropping like never before. Is it that material goods are the cause of their unhappiness? Are they just spending too much time online? Or are they just overly sensitive fannies who see it as the easy way out even though it causes so much pain and devastation for those they leave behind? I suspect the latter and it is, however you want to try justify it, one of the most selfish things anyone can do. And they don’t even have The Smiths.
I heard one news report suggesting that ‘the internet’ was responsible for some of the deaths. That sneaky fucking internet crawling out of their computers and making it look like suicide. I’m putting my computer to ‘no sneaky suicidey tricks’ before I go to bed tonight.
A campaign has been launched and a TV ad will feature a bloke who tried to commit suicide three times. I’ve talked about it before but you have to be pretty crap to fail at killing yourself three times. I bet most of us could get it right first time. Maybe it was his first failed attempt that spiralled him into depression and caused the other attempts. Some people are destined for crapness.
They need the campaign to mirror that film with Dudley Moore in it when he was an advertising executive sent to a mental asylum for some reason which I forget now but which was vital to the plot. He got the mentalists working on his campaigns and they got into the whole ‘honest advertising’ ideal. I don’t remember too many of them but I think there was one for Volvo which was ‘They’re boxy but safe!’.
Suicide campaigns need to be the same: ‘Today might be crap but tomorrow will be slightly less crap and the day after slightly less crap again’ or ‘If you do this you’re going to break your Mam’s heart and make her cry for years, you cunt’.
If you’re an orphan with no friends or family, not even a foster family who have cared for you, and you feel like killing yourself then go right ahead. Ultimately nobody is going to miss you but if you’re a 15 year old in school and you have parents and siblings and friends and you think you have no option but to do yourself in then think again. Don’t be a fucking stupid cunt and make your Mam cry and even your Dad cry, which is worse because nobody wants to see their Dad cry.
If you have problems with exams, fuck the exams. They’re practically worthless at the end of the day. If it’s girl trouble, fuck the girl (well, if the problem you’re having is not being able to fuck the girl then don’t read that the wrong way). There are loads of girls out there. Gay and can’t tell anyone? Don’t worry, everyone already knows because of your lisp and the way you dangle your hand when you talk. If you’ve been listening to too much Damien Rice then there’s nothing anyone can do to help you, sorry.
The best way to stop teenagers commiting suicide is to make them feel worse about doing it than the way they feel anyway and not talk to them like idiots.
Either that or we ban the sale of rope to anyone under the age of 18.
Clare hammer killer
by Twenty Major on June 19th, 2007
That case where that lad in Clare killed his sister is very strange.
He caved her head in with six blows from a hammer then stabbed her with a knife and scissors ninety times. He then went upstairs, wrote ‘Butcher Boy’ on the wall with his own blood that he drew from his arm with scalpel, hit himself in the head four times with a hammer and went to sleep. When he woke up the next day he tried to commit suicide again by drowning himself in the bath before giving himself up to Gardai.
Now, the mother has asked for him not to be sent to jail saying that although the whole family has a cross to bear the lad himself has the heaviest.
Okaaay, but cross to bear or not he commited a rather vicious crime. Apparently he suffers from something called ‘depersonalisation disorder’ and under new legislation he was sentenced to 6 years for manslaughter because he didn’t realise at the time what he was doing, or some such bollocks. The sentence was backdated to November 2004 so with good behaviour etc etc he’s hardly going to serve any time at all, is he?
So, what we have is a bloke who can brutally murder his own sister, then stab her dead body nearly a hundred times, wandering around the place but it’s all right. He didn’t know what he was doing!
Frankly, I’m always very suspicious of these ‘The voices made me do it’ defences. Too much fucking Law and Order and the like.
What happens to this bloke now when he gets out of jail? Does he go home? Will he have to attend psychiatric counselling? What’s to stop him murdering the rest of his family? I mean, if he is actually insane and capable of murdering his own sister what happens if someone cuts in front of him in the local shop and he flips and beats him to death with one of those big ceramic dogs that you put money in to collect money for blind people? What happens if he’s in work one day and he loses it again and randomly murders someone in the office?
Isn’t 6 years rather too little for somebody who can, apparently, go off the deep end at any time and commit acts of violence that are as savage as anything you ever hear about? Shouldn’t he be in a mental institution?
Maybe it’s just me but I can’t really make much sense of this case. I find the family’s attitude very strange and I wonder if the courts are doing as much as they can to protect people from this person as the punishment seems very lenient given the nature of the crime.
Maybe I’m getting it wrong. I’m sure the neighbours and other local residents will be delighted to have him back. You might make a few quid selling mace and Chubb locks down there though.
Save this Nigerian
by Twenty Major on June 18th, 2007
One of the last things Michael McDowell did when he was still in any way important was to sign an order to deport a Nigerian woman and her two children.
Now, I know it’s hard to find fault with that but while I heard about it on the radio all week long it was only today when I discovered something which should turn this case on its head. The family’s lawyer is arguing that they shouldn’t be sent back to Nigeria because the lad is autistic and the health and safety of the family would be at risk as they are obliged to do 5 years national service (doing 419 scams, atm fraud, Western Union/eBay hoodwinking etc).
I say they shouldn’t be sent back because the boy is called, get this, Great Agbonlahor.
His first name is Great.
That’s just fucking brilliant. We should use this child, in the best possible way of course, to start a new naming convention in Ireland. It’s time for Pauls and Johns and Andrews and Michaels and all the rest of them to move over and consign themselves to the past where they belong.
Now is the era of Great Agbonlahor inspired names.
“The name’s Murphy. Awesome Murphy.”
“Pleased to meet you Awesome. I’m Splendiferous Ryan. This is my brother Magificent.”
or
“Son, where do you think you’re going?”
“I’m just off round to Marvelous and Verygoodindeed’s house to play Nintendo Wii.”
“Well, make sure you’re back by 10.30, Formidable.”
“I will!”
The coolness of this just cannot be underestimated. I say that if a fucking cunt like Kunle can get away without being deported with a stupid name like he has then there’s no call to send these people away.
The campaign starts here. Save Great (who could make a large amount of money dressing up as Tony the Tiger and starring in a new Frosties commercial - I’m Grrrrrrrrrreat!).
Sub-ed
by Twenty Major on June 17th, 2007
Ian Huntley has found love in prison, it seems.
Huntley has got over her (Maxine Carr) and moved on to someone almost as twisted as himself. Now he’s got Wood….
I really shouldn’t, but heh.