Save this Nigerian
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on June 18th, 2007
One of the last things Michael McDowell did when he was still in any way important was to sign an order to deport a Nigerian woman and her two children.
Now, I know it’s hard to find fault with that but while I heard about it on the radio all week long it was only today when I discovered something which should turn this case on its head. The family’s lawyer is arguing that they shouldn’t be sent back to Nigeria because the lad is autistic and the health and safety of the family would be at risk as they are obliged to do 5 years national service (doing 419 scams, atm fraud, Western Union/eBay hoodwinking etc).
I say they shouldn’t be sent back because the boy is called, get this, Great Agbonlahor.
His first name is Great.
That’s just fucking brilliant. We should use this child, in the best possible way of course, to start a new naming convention in Ireland. It’s time for Pauls and Johns and Andrews and Michaels and all the rest of them to move over and consign themselves to the past where they belong.
Now is the era of Great Agbonlahor inspired names.
“The name’s Murphy. Awesome Murphy.”
“Pleased to meet you Awesome. I’m Splendiferous Ryan. This is my brother Magificent.”
or
“Son, where do you think you’re going?”
“I’m just off round to Marvelous and Verygoodindeed’s house to play Nintendo Wii.”
“Well, make sure you’re back by 10.30, Formidable.”
“I will!”
The coolness of this just cannot be underestimated. I say that if a fucking cunt like Kunle can get away without being deported with a stupid name like he has then there’s no call to send these people away.
The campaign starts here. Save Great (who could make a large amount of money dressing up as Tony the Tiger and starring in a new Frosties commercial - I’m Grrrrrrrrrreat!).
You could also give the adjective name thing a distinctly Irish slant…
“Sound Regan”, “Deadly Burke”, “Savage Fitzgibbon”… To suggest but a few.
June 18th, 2007 at 12:16 am
and why stick with positive adjectives? what about “pig ugly smith”, or “retarded o’brien”? and you could also use nouns, such as “electric shaughnessy” or “bollocks o’toole”. be inventive, and give your kids a really good reason to hate your guts.
June 18th, 2007 at 12:22 am
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In fairness though, Great (Class name!) wasn’t born in Ireland or Nigeria. The little cunt was born in Italy. So deport him to Italy instead. Why they decided to move from Italy to Ireland is anyones guess but maybe they just wanted to see what rain was like.
Seriously though, everything else aside. He is neither Irish nor Nigerian and deporting him to to his (ancestral) homeland is kind of wrong. But of course it’s the parents fault.
June 18th, 2007 at 1:07 am
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I like the idea. It would go someway to ameliorating the effects of an unfortunate surname. The Hitlers (lovely couple) could shed unwelcome associations from the past by calling their son Gentleness Itself or their daughter Jewlia.
Playground dynamics could be turned on their heads. That poor wee unfortunate Dick boy would no longer fear bullying over his shameful last name, but walk tall and proud knowing he’s Great Big Dick, cock-of-the-walk and envy/desire of all.
The Bastards could turn around their lot in life by calling their wee one Jammy. The McGroins, if feeling Bolshie about the snickering at the Christening could name their boy Pat and their girl Handsoff. And there’s no telling how far the little Lucky Cunt could go.
June 18th, 2007 at 1:23 am
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All very good but I also like yer man that plays for Celtic’s name, Jan something somthing of something. I dont like it that much.
Its the “of” bit that I like. Manuel of Belfast or Manuel of the third house on the left, or something less dull.
I also love the Irish hypocrisy around immigration…
June 18th, 2007 at 1:45 am
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There is no Irish hypocrisy about immigration.
everywhere we went we were treated like shit and told to fuck off.
There was too many of us and we hadn’t got the boat fare home.
So our immigrant’s are being treated the same,
and they’re not going anywhere either.
Mary Harney should change her name to Humongous.
I’d vote for the cunt then
June 18th, 2007 at 2:49 am
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There are some real horror names out there. Toolio de Sac, anyone? Or Scatman?
http://skinflicks.blogspot.com/2006/11/babys-called-bad-bad-thing.html
June 18th, 2007 at 3:06 am
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I’m changing my name to Omnipotentiuous H****
June 18th, 2007 at 6:10 am
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“Deadly Burke” - haha.
Rapid McDonagh. Gift Collins.
All these comments are making me laugh.
June 18th, 2007 at 8:47 am
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Twenty Major of Mygaff.
June 18th, 2007 at 8:49 am
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There has to be someone out there called G. Willickers. There just has to be.
Let the lad stay. I’m fed up looking at the rest of you.
June 18th, 2007 at 9:03 am
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Now that you have taken they’r plight to heart, it must put you in a position to find the answer to the question,..what colour is Nigerian’s arsehole?
June 18th, 2007 at 9:45 am
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Is that the stupidest question ever asked? I think it is.
June 18th, 2007 at 10:04 am
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We’re not too far off it, check out what’s going on in the UK at the minute. We’re usually about 6 years behind them in everything.
http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/article639041.ece
June 18th, 2007 at 10:06 am
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Can I just be the mean person here and say that since Irish children suffering from Autism don’t have access to much needed facilities,I don’t think the fact that this unfortunate child(however ‘great’)suffers from it should be a deciding factor in whether or not he and his family get to stay…?
June 18th, 2007 at 10:25 am
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I agree. The deciding factor should be his name.
June 18th, 2007 at 10:28 am
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I think his parents should dash down to a notary and deed poll the surname to something like ‘Mephisto’ ..just to seal the deal
June 18th, 2007 at 10:36 am
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I met his twin brother the other day and thought is was him. His mother soon put me straight..
‘He’s Good, not Great’ she said.
We all went to dinner afterwards.
June 18th, 2007 at 11:01 am
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Wonder if he is any relation to the Aston Villa footballer Gabriel Agbonlahor?
June 18th, 2007 at 11:02 am
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…but I suppose people will say who f*cking cares.
June 18th, 2007 at 11:02 am
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Last company I worked for had a rather large factory in China. So large that eventually they moved all of our jobs (including my own) over there last year the cunts. But thats another story.
Anyway they (the chinese) usually take a western first name in addition to their own and they usually tend to go for the quaint names like “Emily Wang” etc. But there are always a few who try to stand out in a crowd like “Superman Wang” and “Celery Tong” and my personal favourite “Dinglong Deng”.
June 18th, 2007 at 11:06 am
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I knew a bloke in London, they used call him ‘En arriere Lynch’,I don’t know if he had Autism or not but he was backward cunt!!
June 18th, 2007 at 11:17 am
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I dunno if having the name ‘Great’ will be this young lads salvation. After all, Vincent Hanley changed his name to ‘Fab’ but it didn’t save him.
June 18th, 2007 at 11:20 am
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I always wondered if Vinny was the kind of guy who mixed up his ‘B’s with his ‘G’s.
June 18th, 2007 at 11:24 am
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better weather here so do the world a favour and go out walking with fly spray and zap all the butterflys you see. Ecoterrorism ? Bollix - think of all the hurricanes you’ll stop.
June 18th, 2007 at 11:54 am
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I once worked with a Richard Pullin. Swear to God. I was the tit who worked with him for over 2 months before I made the connection between ‘Richard’ and ‘Dick’. 2 months of abuse wasted!
June 18th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
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· Apparently, there’s a vet in Zimbabwe called Everard Koch. What’s more, it looks like he may be the author of a paper in the Journal of Wildlife Diseases entitled Flaccid Trunk Paralysis in Free-Ranging Elephants. Also, we commend to you Some Non-Original Thoughts on Diet, Health, and Longevity, by Mr Phil Graves.
http://politics.guardian.co.uk/backbench/comment/0,,2096471,00.html
June 18th, 2007 at 12:15 pm
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Funny things, names. There used to be a Kiwi cricketer called Cunis: I remember Alan Gibson’s commentary: ‘This is Cunis at the Vauxhall End. Cunis - a funny sort of name. Neither one thing nor the other.’
June 18th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
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Twenty, don’t tell you never heard of Great George? He has two streets named after him in Dublin, one north and the other south of the Liffey.
June 18th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
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no word of a lie, our company has a branch in Italy, and there is a bloke their, his last name is Cunto
he has been to Dublin for meetings, a bloody hassle to book a taxi and hotel.
June 18th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
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the americans are best at stupid names though. there are kids with names such as “abcde”, “xyz”, “iamaman”, “espn” and “timberland” (last two sponsored by the actual companies i think). although considering the proliferation of mobile phones in ireland, i’m waiting for kids called “kvn”, “shrn”, “twnty” and “:)”
June 18th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
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one for you twenty - in the last paragraph in the gaurdian article maggot linked to:
Finally, it seems the UK’s biggest dwarf-tossing competition, in which (and we quote) “dwarves were to be thrown in the air against a large Velcro wall” at top London club Egg, has fallen victim to our absurd obsession with ‘elf ‘n safety. Is nothing sacred?
June 18th, 2007 at 1:48 pm
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No word of a lie, I used to work with a guy in London called Russell Hobbs!!!
June 18th, 2007 at 2:11 pm
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I used to work in a health centre and saw some cracking names in there…Sunday this, Happy that…I also saw a “Melody Macadangdang” which made me smile.
I noticed a lot of nigerian children called Bertie too. Bertie Olakunle. Love it.
June 18th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
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I used to work in a factory in dublin and there was a service engineer who used to come and overhaul our packing equipment. His name was Alan Keyes!
June 18th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
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i used to know a fella called pheelum young. i shit you not.
June 18th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
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Honest to Jebus I was in Thailand a few years back and met a child called “Fuk Mi” (Mi pronounced mee)
… and before anyone says it, no it wasn’t in any kind of seedy red light place, it was actually in an orphanage.
June 18th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
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Yes, it’s a cool idea you’ve got there! I am John the Great of Dublinius.
June 18th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
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I went to school with Aaron Mycock and his brother is called Russell.
June 18th, 2007 at 4:51 pm
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Buzz Aldrin.
June 18th, 2007 at 5:43 pm
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Bum Suk, the name not the act, is very common in Korea.
June 18th, 2007 at 8:15 pm
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This name thing an be pretty funny (Ben Dover) and it really does happen in real life - what about that american baseball player, Ivana Mandic (seriously, he exists) but there are some bastards out there, and one guy’s been terrorising the world for years now. Dick Tator. what a cunt.
June 18th, 2007 at 8:16 pm
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His Father was obviously in good form at the birth…”that’s great” he said..and it stuck.
But imagine if the first words out of his mouth were “Oh Fuck!!”…you wouldn’t seem so keen to keep him here then, eh?
June 18th, 2007 at 8:38 pm
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I’ve heard from a reliable source that someone I know once met someone who actually knew someone called Annette Curtin. And someone else called Iris Tew.
June 18th, 2007 at 10:00 pm
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Iris Tew in the name of the law?
June 18th, 2007 at 10:14 pm
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she should get married to that narrator on the discovery channel, robin banks
June 18th, 2007 at 10:16 pm
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I once worked with a guy called Huberticus Trotsky. He was Dutch. An impressive moniker I’m sure you’ll agree.
June 19th, 2007 at 2:16 am
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The girlfriend works with an InBum Chow (spelled just like that)…..at least I think she said “works”.Fuck.
June 19th, 2007 at 7:03 am
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Some kid called Fraser Sharp and I think well how could his parents not see the potential micky taking and just have called him Derek?
June 19th, 2007 at 7:52 am
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You would really love it here (in Africa). Normal names include ‘Beauty’, ‘Precious’, ‘Kingdom’.
All in all, I think I prefer the Spanish versions though. Gonna call my kid ‘Jesus’. Nothing like a deity complex to really mess with his head!
June 19th, 2007 at 11:34 am
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Talking about the brain dead, the wannabe actor Nicholas Cage named his son Kal El after Superman’s birth father on Krypton which makes Nick superman’s grandfather. But there’s nothing to worry about, the little fucker is being raised in California where there are worse than that.
June 19th, 2007 at 4:24 pm
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With any luck California’s sun will supernova and mallet the place like Krypton’s did….wait a sec..we have the same sun…hmmm..fuck it..it’s worth the sacrifice.
June 19th, 2007 at 7:37 pm
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Anyone ever hear of a bird called Ursula Goodenough….A famous biologist, I shit you not…..
June 19th, 2007 at 9:55 pm
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