Days go by

Obviously everyone knows that time speeds up as you get older. A year when you’re 25 goes by much quicker that when you’re a child because your only point of reference is one birthday or christmas to the next. Similarly at 45 and at 65 the days and weeks speed by much faster. So it’s important to make the most of the time we have. Get out and do things and see people, even if it is just argue with them and call them filthy names.

So it struck me as rather surprising when I realised I hadn’t been outside the house, bar the nearby shops for milk, bread and delicious cool filtered Major cigarettes, since Monday.

I find I’m working all day on my great novel (which is an entirely different novel than the one that’s going to be published) and generally getting caught up in work and things. I’ll pad into the kitchen in my bare feet (it’s summer) and make some food. And as much as I love food, and I do love food, what I’m making at the moment is entirely functional. Beans on toast, Heinz tomato soup, a steak pie from Marks and Spencer, a pizza or a toasted cheese sandwich.

There’s no ‘cooking’ as such. No sweating over a sauce (I find using my own sweat in my bolognese sauce makes all the difference but don’t tell anyone), no stirring, reducing, seasoning, simmering or anything else.

My beard remains untrimmed, the pints that have my name on it on Ron’s have been replaced by a fridge full of bottled beer I got from the off licence (at a very nice price, pubs beware. Why would you spend €5 on a bottle of beer in a bar when you can get it for €1 in the offy? Eventually people will cop on), me talking to Bastardface and, ocassionally the lunatic cat, has taken the place of the witty and hilarious banter with the lads. Only for the fact I had a two minute conversation with the posty the other morning and I wouldn’t have had any human contact all week. And it’s Thursday already! Last time I looked at my watch it was Monday morning.

I need to get out more.

Similar posts

  • No Related Post

39 Responses to “Days go by”

  • Littlesapling Says:

    do you bottle the sweat and let it age Twenty or do you drizzle it straight into the saucepan from the source…just askin’

  • Eolaí Says:

    I recommend Limerick

  • K8 Says:

    The warning sign for overstepping houseboundednessness is when you start keeping your poo in jars to keep in case of emergencies.

  • Maggot Says:

    My contacts in the publishing trade tell me that your magnum opus is sci fi – that the aliens return and maroon some more Mary Harneys – true or false?

  • Lung the Younger Says:

    Not to worry Twenty.

    Randolph Hearst, Howard Hughes, Benny Hill and various other ultra-successful media mogul geniuses ended up as shut-in recluses too. This is just another symptom of the book offer. That’s how Maeve Binchy got so damn big, stuck inside all day.

    It’ll wear off when the publisher laughs scornfully at the first draft and throws it back in your face. Then you’ll have to come out of your shell, if only to burn his house down.

  • Gomaith Says:

    I know the feeling. I went out last Friday night and came home Sunday afternoon. Missed two nights sleep completely which is a good effort as I’m not the young lad I once was. And now it’s Thursday. It’s like being stuck in a washing machine, this life.

    Although I will say, time does go a little bit slower if you’re not at work doing a 9-5 thing and at home writing a book for yourself. At least, there’s something visible for yourself.

  • Twenty Major Says:

    Got to be fresh sweat created by holding your face over the bubbling sauce, Sap. It seasons it for you.

    You recommend Limerick for what?

    Maggot – false.

    Lung – can’t I have one of my minions do the burning?

    Gomaith – it’s better than going out and coming back three weeks before you went out in some bizarre time portal incident. I hate when that happens.

  • MacDara In The Leb Says:

    It is not always safe going out, I went out once and got very drunk and could not find my way home. I woke up the next morning in a strangers bed , There was a pair of womens underware lying on the floor, there were big enough to cover Louth. Next thing I know is that the world went black as the owner just walked in front of the Sun. To say she was big would be like saying Mary Harney is a waif.

    It still sends shivers down my spine.

  • O'Reilly Says:

    Look it, if we all stopped talking to him he’d have to leave the house – we’re only making it worse for him. He’s probably agoraphobic already!

    You’re living in your very own virtual world Twenty and there was you slagging off the virtual Guinness only the other day. Get out before it’s too late!

  • porridge Says:

    i’d recommend limerick for a good bombing. would clear the place up a good bit.

    don’t want to think what sort of an emergency could be solved by having some old tuds in a jam jar.

    never understood buying bottled beer in pubs. get a lot more in a pint for the same money.

    and considering the quality of humans outside, staying inside is often the best thing.

  • porridge Says:

    turds, not tuds. doh.

  • ELCC Says:

    When we cut do we not bleed?

  • Eolaí Says:

    I need to get out more.

    I recommend Limerick

  • Dale de Moin Marn Says:

    ‘Cabin Fever’ is what comes next. At least you are doing something in a constructive manner rather than watching shite daytime telly…well at least I hope you are not.

  • Twenty Major Says:

    I would Eolai but I’m afraid of being stabbed. You know how it is.

  • manuel Says:

    You’re a shut in! Becareful though before you know it you shall be spending all your time “talking” to people online and getting involved in 911 conspiracy theories….

    the truth, and real people, are out there….

  • The Swearing Lady Says:

    I find I’m working all day on my great novel (which is an entirely different novel than the one that’s going to be published)…

    Oh Jesus, Twenty. It’s all so horribly apt.

  • The Scawgeen Says:

    You should invest in some nice lace curtain nets for the windows, you can hole up for months while looking at the outside world going by without anyone even knowing. Invest also in a crate of longlife milk. (A wise investment that one) A deck of cards for companionship and Bob’s yer uncle!

  • Maggot Says:

    a good range of petfood, a trip to the off license and you need never go out for months. Big bags of dry dogfood and catfood are economical and far healthier than human food – when was the last time you heard of dozens of dogs turning ther toes up because of e coli ? Lots of old people’s homes swear by it.

  • JackMcMad Says:

    So Twenty, you’re human after all. And I thought you were a hard callous bastard. I bet you wish your age was twenty and not your name.

  • TheDailyMagnet Says:

    Welcome to the club Twenty

    1 yr on, I’ve discovered whenever I score a great interview I’m always wearing my lucky pj’s!

  • Not antisocial, just working… « Kathy Foley Says:

    [...] antisocial, just working… Jump to Comments Twenty’s been posting about the weird life of the work-at-home writer. Substitute Marlboro for Major, wine for beer, pasta for M&S steak pies and, well, no beard for [...]

  • Grandad Says:

    Don’t worry, Twenty. Time is relative.

    When you get to my age, it passes so quickly that you pass through your own little black hole, and time starts to go backwards.

    I’m already a week younger than I was this time next week.

    I think I ought to go out more too. ?

  • Sam, Problemchildbride Says:

    As a stay-at-home mother I know just how dangerous the home can be, especially for time-portal accidents. Beware the fridge, mousehole # 2 in the hall, and wear loose fitting tunics and a great black cloak that will look appropriate in any historical or future setting. And clutch bottled water to you whenever you go past a danger-spot – the the 22nd century’s a bugger for giardia and you can’t trust the water in Galway either I read.

    You should be fine if you just don’t move from your desk. Gin helps greatly.

  • Blarneyman Says:

    Stop boasting, ya bastard.

  • fatmammycat Says:

    Welcome to my world you great big Nancy.

  • one man and his dog Says:

    Is she of the delightful ankles hermitized with you??

  • Northside Langer Says:

    I hear you twenty, before you know it you’ll be forty major

  • hairymolly Says:

    Forty major problems.. starting with belching up onions

  • henry Says:

    Twenty-

    the cunt who said that the maximum amount of wanks a male can have in a day is 14

    is a dirty fucken liar.

  • Twenty Major Says:

    Thanks for sharing, henry.

  • hairymolly Says:

    Just got a big bit of the plastic top of cigarette packet in the ashtray stuck to the end of my fag and smoked it. pah

  • kav Says:

    There’s a 24 bottles for a tenner deal on here. Normal beer too, not Lidl “Two Germans fermented this under their bunk beds” stuff. It’s great, works out way cheaper than milk. The kids were crying for the first few days, now they can’t wait to get up each morning for their Beerios.

  • manuel Says:

    kav, you just made me spit things with laughter, …cunt

  • snookertony Says:

    G’day Twenty,
    Have you been feeling a cold breath on the back of your neck lately?
    I reckon Bock’s itching for a stabbin’… either giving or taking.
    Henry, 14 wanks in a day. When you’re giving them you can easily beat that number.

  • snookertony Says:

    Ouch.
    I’ve just read the comments on Bock… sorry about that chief, you’re way ahead of me.
    Carry on.

  • Green Ink Says:

    Oh, shit Twenty, Barry Egan walked past me yesterday and I didn’t puck the fucker…

  • Old Knudsen Says:

    Never mind going out why don’t you start up a blog or something?

  • Twenty Major Says:

    Ink – you too can feel my shame.

    Knudsen – that’s a capital idea, old chap.

Leave a Reply

You can add images to your comment by clicking here.