Bring back Gorbachev
Posted on | June 5, 2007 | 29 Comments
This Putin lad is worrying me a bit. While I do share his concerns that the US wants to set up nuclear missile firing ranges right on top of them (which would in theory allow the Americans to blow the shit out of the Russians before they even had a chance to respond) I think he should keep his counsel a bit.
Now, I know he says that North Korea and Iran don’t even have long range nuclear missiles to shoot at the US in the first place but he shouldn’t be such a suspicious Aloysius. If the last decades of human existence have taught us anything it’s that America will do all it can to avoid unnecessary conflict.
I think the whole thing would have been handled much better if Mikhail Gorbachev were still in charge. You see, a man with a prominent birthmark on his head spends a lot of his time wishing he didn’t have a prominent birthmark on his head. That is his main priority and as such it shapes his thinking in a positive way. For example, he might hear news of the US plans and think ‘Crikey, this is a bit of a situation here. Still, no matter how bad it is it can’t be any worse than having a great big birthmark on the top of your head’.
So it helps put things in perspective for him. Putin, however, has no obvious birthmark, deformation, scarring, cleft palette or any other visible flaw on his head, face or surrounding areas. That means he has no battle every day of his life, wishing he could be normal like all the other children, and this elicits a more devil may care attitude. While Gorbachev can look at it in a reasoned manner Putin is thinking ‘Right, you cunts, do what you want but we’re going to aim some missiles at great European cities like Barcelona, Rome and Athlone’.
If I had to put some money on it I’d wager that we’re all going to wiped out in the next ten years anyway. If it’s not the North Koreans it’ll be the Israelis or the Iranians or possibly the Swiss, the sneaky cunts.
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29 Responses to “Bring back Gorbachev”
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June 5th, 2007 @ 12:25 am
If I had to put some money on it I’d wager that we’re all going to wiped out in the next ten years anyway
I said the same thing to a friend the other day, ten years max is what we have left. I wouldnt worry about stamp duty, mortgages, or well, pretty much anything in general. Its all gonna be dust soon….
June 5th, 2007 @ 1:00 am
Don’t underestimate the Belgians. I read a report in my capacity as an undercover housewife that they are planning on making their chocolates even more delicious and doing us all in with a new and almost immediately fatal form of type 3 diabetes. This super-top-secret recipe was developed by 4 high-level Belgians known only as Mr. Soft-Centre, Mrs Toffee, Ms Nut, and Mr Pineapple Cream who declared them just faaaabulous. It is a plot hideously diabolical in its cunning: all the autopsy report shows is that the victim enjoyed a scrumptious treat just prior to death. There is no way a mass slaughter can be traced back to the Belgians!! because they also make scrumptious treats in other parts of the world!!
Your average Swiss couldn’t come up with a recipe like that. All they’ve got is the sub-scrumptious Nestle and Ricola all natural cough-drops.
June 5th, 2007 @ 1:08 am
watch out for Swiss bearing sporks. Don’t say you weren’t warned!
June 5th, 2007 @ 1:38 am
nuke Lichtenstein I say, and as for Nauru and Tuvalu, don’t even get me started with them cunts. allies
of evil I say,
June 5th, 2007 @ 4:27 am
Eskimos, twenty, eskimos. They’re the feckers you should be watching out for. Sneaky little furry fuckers. you see them on the street… you just know they’re sizing you up. Warlrus teeth and tennis rackets on their feet… 14 dogs and a toboggan.. eh? don’t talk to me about weapons of mass destruction.
Covered in birthmarks but all hidden. What more proof do you want? a letter from Hans?
Eskimos…
June 5th, 2007 @ 8:13 am
I always thought the Tierra del Fuegans were a dastardly bunch…
June 5th, 2007 @ 8:18 am
when San marino and Luxembourg team up we’ll all be fucked
June 5th, 2007 @ 8:24 am
“If the last decades of human existence have taught us anything it’s that America will do all it can to avoid unnecessary conflict.”
heh thats classic
June 5th, 2007 @ 8:46 am
Enough of the anti-swiss racism you Kunt!
Remember neutrality, didn’t you have that until Bush took it way?
June 5th, 2007 @ 8:50 am
Dont be worried about the Russians or the Iranians, you should all be woried about the rise in Fundamentalist travellers. Like their brethern the Palestinians they have no homes , are not wanted anywhere and keep getting into trouble.
Jihads Irish equiv Travhad is coming and we will all suffer.
June 5th, 2007 @ 8:51 am
That German shit-stirrer in Rome is behind this, mark my words.
June 5th, 2007 @ 9:09 am
What d’you mean, he had nothing to be embarassed about? His name starts with Poo, for God’s sake.
June 5th, 2007 @ 9:38 am
I already thought we’ve be wiped away in ten years, 10 years ago. and we’re still here. I’m not making another 10 year plan. it’s useless.
June 5th, 2007 @ 10:50 am
Putin is a black-belt in judo and could kick the shit out of any world leader.
I bet he’s training a ninja army somewhere. A ninja army that will kill us all in our beds. This man should be stopped.
June 5th, 2007 @ 11:24 am
Could Putin really kick the shit out of Mugabe?
Remember, Mugabe can do the Street Fighter ‘Hoduken’.
June 5th, 2007 @ 12:36 pm
Quite right. Switzerland is in secret cahoots with China. It’s a dastardly Cantonese plot dreamed up by Swiss mandarins.
June 5th, 2007 @ 1:12 pm
I’d say he could, remember, Putin could use that big ukranian guy from street fighter, the one that wrestled bears for the craic. God I’d have so much respect for politicians if they sorted out problems with a street fighter-esque kind of competition… We already have our very own Blanca in the PD’s
June 5th, 2007 @ 2:06 pm
China will come stomping over to where the US and China are arguing on the football field, tell them to behave and cop-on, give them both a quick slap and send them home sulking with their tail between their legs (but the US are bringing their ball with them!)…
June 5th, 2007 @ 2:07 pm
oops – obviously i mean where the US and Russia are arguing…
June 5th, 2007 @ 2:09 pm
… well they do have Chun Lee
June 5th, 2007 @ 2:20 pm
if splodge is anything to go by, we’re lucky gorbachov is gone.
June 5th, 2007 @ 3:02 pm
Fuck the Swiss and the Belgians. You should all be worried about me. I’m a right cunt.
June 5th, 2007 @ 3:03 pm
…i’ll take yez all on!
June 5th, 2007 @ 3:56 pm
If Bush hasnt blown us up by now no-one will,fair play to Putin for standing up to that cowboy cunt
anyway
Dalshim would kick all your arse’s he ruled
June 5th, 2007 @ 9:18 pm
the Swiss are indeed a bunch of cunts. Boring in the extreme. Ruthlesly efficient, neutral, money-laundering, tall (why are they all tall?), boring, cold, soulless, boring cunts with no redeeming features whatsoever.
Isn’t Celine Dion half Swiss and half-Canadian? I rest my case!!
June 5th, 2007 @ 10:24 pm
“Isn’t Celine Dion half Swiss and half-Canadian? I rest my case!!”
Ah now catona, no one deserves Celine Dion!
Half Swiss, Half Canadian,
All wagon.
June 5th, 2007 @ 10:50 pm
Geez, bad thought whoever mentioned San Marino. If the Russians confuse that idea they could hit the place near Fairview instead.
I was always a big admirer of Gordy. Putin looks like he is homesick for his days in the KGB.
June 6th, 2007 @ 1:17 pm
I think the attack has already started. A man has just tried to jump into the popemobile ( while the boss was still inside it). To make matters worse he was wearing shorts ( the man not the pope).That has Russia written all over it.
June 10th, 2007 @ 12:23 am
just scanning back over old comments…idlebones: who the fuck do you think I am? My name in Cantona (as in Eric…God, etc.) NOT Catona as in Kerry, Mrs McFatcunt, etc…….get it straight next time yacuntcha…