Will it never end?

by Twenty Major on June 30th, 2007

Sir Elton John is expected to play his tribute song to Princess Diana - Candle in the Wind - at the concert being staged in her memory.

So says the BBC. You know what the worst thing about Diana dying was?

Elton fucking John. That cunting song needs to be left on its own in a foreign resort while its parents go out for something to eat.

The cunt brothers

by Twenty Major on June 29th, 2007

FORMER world boxing champ Steve Collins was arrested and fined after being caught shoplifting at a B&Q store. Irish Collins, 42 — who won £5million in the ring —   was caught trying to steal the head of a paint spray gun.

Hahaha, I always hated Steve Collins, I have to say. Now all we need is for his equally cuntstrous brother Roddy to go over and try and sort this out for him.

Roddy’d go charging into the cop shop, hackles raised, fists clenched, teeth gritted.

“Where’s me bleeding brudder?”, he’d shout.

“Your brother is not bleeding at all, Mr Collins”, a polite policeman would reply. “He’s merely resting in his cell.”

“Bring him to me!”, Roddy would command.

“I’m afraid you have to realise you’re not at home now and I am not your Mexican butler”.

“RAAAAAAARGH”, Roddy’d say, “I demand you release my budder right now or dere will be teet all over de floor.”

“Honestly, taking your false teeth out and placing them on the ground will not get your brother out any quicker.”

“I’ve had enough of dis bollix”, Roddy’d whisper under his breath like an action hero pushed to the very limits of his endurance and with his lightning fast reflexes, honed from years of mediocre football management, he’d punch the officer in the face, grab his keys and go to the holding area.

“Steve, ya fucking chump. What’ve you been up to?”

“Ya mean, ‘champ’, Roddy, dontcha?”

“Yeah, yeah. We gotta get da fuck outta here.”

“I was only robbin’ for kicks, like. Not because I’m fucking washed up and hopeless, right?”

“Yeah. Shuddup now.”

Closing over the cell door the two men would leave the holding area and back into the police station where an armed response unit would shoot both of them right between the eyes.

And I would have a party. A sexy party.

How very odd

by Twenty Major on June 28th, 2007

As Throatripper the cat was walking out  of the back door with his tail in the air I noticed something very odd. He appears to have three holes.

One is obviously his arse, the other is for his mickey (a little red rocket which he likes to take out of its packaging and play with every now and again) but there’s one in the middle of the two which I can’t quite figure out.

I’m hoping it’s for shooting jets of poison weespunk at his enemies. That would be cool.

John O’Donoghue is a fucking clown

by Twenty Major on June 28th, 2007

Jesus wept, this is an elected official. Obviously being handed the conch has made him even more of a cunt than he was before.

He’s an embarrassment. Not as much of an embarrassment as welcoming back a feckless geebag like Beverly Cooper-Flynn but still. He’s pretty fucking pathetic.

Proper post to follow.

Germans are cool

by Twenty Major on June 27th, 2007

Not only do Germans start all the best wars they’ve now banned Tom Cruise from filming there because he’s a Scientologist and they reckon Scientologists are crazy loons.

Hard to argue with them, really, and I think more countries should ban Hollywood stars. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a Scientologist or anything else some random bannings would keep them on their toes. Headlines I’d like to see:

Italy has banned Kevin Spacey as late night dog walking around the Spanish steps is not permitted.

Malaysia has banned Lindsey Lohan as it’s believed a rare breed of fruit fly, which could decimate local crops, breeds in her gee and as she doesn’t wear knickers they could get out any time.

Martin Landau prevented from visiting Easter Island in case he stands still beside one of the statues and then it looks like he’s disappeared because his big long face is just like one of the statues.

China have refused Will Smith a visa to travel to the country for his new film because he’s black. Only joking! We banned him because he’s a jug-eared cunt.

These fuckers think they can swan in and out of a place in their trailers and private jets. This would teach them a valuable lesson. Namely, that … erm … they …er… need to …uhm… SHUT UP! That’s it. They need to shut the fuck up.

Dirty Dave was once banned from Coolock for trying it on with some local hardman’s daughter. This was last year. The daughter was 47.

Beverly Cooper-Flynn and RTE

by Twenty Major on June 26th, 2007

“I come from a Fianna Fail background, my political philosophy has always been Fianna Fail and the reality is, I would love indeed to be back within the Fianna Fail party”

She’s certainly got the pedigree, doesn’t she? Financial irregularities, a singular lack of responsibility for her own actions and a reputation as stained as a YMCA mattress.

And RTE letting her away with less than half of what she owes them. Will the TV licence inspector accept half the licence fee next time he comes knocking on my door?

Horrendous cunts. All of them.

What the fuck are they on about?

by Twenty Major on June 26th, 2007

Last evening as I listened to some shameless Microsoft propaganda on Newstalk I heard a radio commercial. Now, I’ve spoken before about how radio commercials are completely shit but this was something else entirely.

A man with a serious voice came on and told us that water would be rationed only on Monday. And Tuesday. And Wednesday, until he’d done all the days of the week. Then he said that families could only have one bath per week and that if you wanted to wash your car you had to use the old bath water. Hilarious.

Then some woman came on and said something along the lines of “Water is precious, don’t waste it”. Honestly, she really did.

Now, I can understand in countries with a hot climate which gets little summer rainfall that taking care and not leaving the tap running when you brush your teeth, for example, is a good idea.

However, it has been raining here EVERY FUCKING DAY for the last two weeks at least. We couldn’t have a fucking water shortage if we tried and even if we did, don’t worry, it’ll fucking well rain tomorrow and the next day.

Unbelievable. And even if there is a shortage of water then perhaps they might consider the fact it’s not us that’s wasting it but their leaky containers and pipes and instead of telling us to take care they should just fucking fix them. Don’t expect me to sit through a summer of thunder, lightning, cold and wet and then tell me what to do with my water. If I want to run a hose 24 hours a day that’s what I’ll do.

Honestly, this is the wettest country on earth, nothing anyone can say will convince me otherwise. You can show me charts and graphs and statistics and old fashioned facts and I will tell you to shove them up your hole. There was a sky out there tonight that would water Africa for a hundred years and they’re wasting money on radio ads.

Water shortage in Ireland, what a load of septic horse bollocks.

Dog farts

by Twenty Major on June 25th, 2007

Jesus, Bastardface has just let one rip and I’m doing my very best not to puke. He’s got a touch of fire-arse at the moment so he goes out into the back then scooches along on the grass to try and cool off his ringpiece.

I might have to change his food or something. Knacker Bolognese doesn’t appear to be agreeing with him.

Banning video games

by Twenty Major on June 25th, 2007

I call for the government to ban Pro Evolution Soccer because it makes young kids try and perform the kinds of tricks they see in the game. Rather than doing the ’simple thing’ and just controlling it and playing ‘the easy ball’ the young players of this generation are trying 360 Cruyff turns, pressing their own R1 buttons when they should be going at normal pace and trying to play through balls with their triangle when a short pass inside would do.

The future of Irish football is entirely dependent on this game being banned. And not just this game, any football game. 35 yard screamers, incisive counter attacks from one box to the other, even creating their own players who are 6′10 and have all the skill points up to 99 is distorting the game of football and soon the damage will be irreparable.

Don’t believe me? Well, look at the players we have these days. Where are our Liam Bradys, Paul McGraths, Roy Keanes and Ashley Grimses? Players of unquestionable quality have been replaced by lads like Richard Dunne, some other cunt whose name I can’t remember and Robbie fucking Keane, the square headed cunt.

These games must be banned and quick fucking sharp. People think it’s because Steve Staunton is a clueless, half-witted, incoherent spacker that the team is struggling but Kevin Keegan himself would struggle to get this lot qualified for the World Cup.

And while we’re at it I have to say my piece on behalf of the walking mushroom and turtle lobby. They’re fed up with the treatment they receive from the Italian community but does anybody care? No they fucking don’t.

Thank God for Amnesty International

by Twenty Major on June 24th, 2007

It seems an album of John Lennon cover versions is going to ’save Darfur’.

What a shame it’s taken us so long to figure out how to stop genocide.