King of the jungle my arse
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on May 29th, 2007
I woke this morning at around 5.50am to hear a terrible wailing sound somewhere down the end of my garden. It was a cat of some sort. At first I thought it was Throatripper but then I realised he was slumbering at the end of the bed, reward for savaging the bloke who had tried to deliver me a Domino’s pizza menu yesterday afternoon. He won’t be doing any more junk mail drops, even when he has his fingers sewn back on.
I padded into the kitchen, looked out the window and blinked at the light. Stupid summer with its bright early mornings. The noise continued. There would be a low wail, then a noise like it was fighting another cat, then more wailing, then plaintive meowing. I tried to get back to sleep but it was no good. There was only one thing for it.
I threw Throatripper out the back to go and check on it/kill it and went back to bed. Even though my bedroom is at the front of the house I could still hear it. Fucking loud cunt, it was. After a while of not getting back to sleep I went back out to check again and found Throatripper and Bastardface sitting underneath the big apple tree staring over next door’s wall. The noises continued and this was no time of the morning to be awake.
‘Go Throatripper’, I said and the cat went over the wall. Luckily for me he’s a cannibal cat so he killed and ate whatever it was that was making the noise.
I suspect it was an escaped lion from Dublin zoo who got hit by a car coming through the Blackpitts and who sought refuge in somebody’s garden. How fucking inconsiderate are lions though? Couldn’t he have waited until a more normal hour to escape and frankly he should have taken more care crossing the road. Then he wouldn’t have been hit and subsequently killed and eaten.
Lions - when will they ever learn?
At first I thought it was Throatripper but then I realised he was slumbering at the end of the bed, reward for savaging the bloke who had tried to deliver me a Domino’s pizza menu yesterday afternoon. He won’t be doing any more junk mail drops, even when he has his fingers sewn back on.
Did you train Throatripper to do that or is it a natural talent?..I ask because I want to train my kitten to do the same..particularly to Jehovah’s witness’s who call when I’m in the shower and then look hurt when I tell them to ‘Fuck Off’.
May 29th, 2007 at 10:37 am
All his own work. He hates strangers of all shapes and sizes and colours and odours.
May 29th, 2007 at 10:43 am
1
An equal opportunity hater, then, bit like yourself toots.
May 29th, 2007 at 10:59 am
2
Quite so. I’m a thoroughly moder hater.
May 29th, 2007 at 11:01 am
3
Tomcats have hooks on their gentlemen - so sex hurts lady cats.
May 29th, 2007 at 11:02 am
4
I’m sick of these constant interruptions from lions. We need to create a task force to counteract the threat of their early-morning incursions into suburbia.
May 29th, 2007 at 11:03 am
5
Are you sure they’re not just disfunctional labradoodles? If i were a labradoodle, I’d be seriously disfunctional.
May 29th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
6
A bad case surely of pride before a fall.
May 29th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
7
Yeah, the mane attraction in Twenty’s neighbourhood is now gone.
May 29th, 2007 at 2:04 pm
8
Frankly ,I think you’re bleedin lion.
May 29th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
9
Sounds like estrus. People need to neuter their pets so that they don’t go insane and we can sleep. Throatripper is a fabulous name highlighting the feline attack skill. You know cats saddled with names like “fluffy” hate their owners.
May 29th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
10
Ever wanted to know what happens when Lions, Buffalos and Crocodiles square up for a three-way fight?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8g5BoU8dKZ4
Utterly amazing. My respect for buffalo’s has just gone up exponentially…
May 29th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
11
Somebody has just spotted a Leopard in Cabra!!!
May 29th, 2007 at 3:18 pm
12
one for bastardface
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2OcE7vQ_wI&NR=1
May 29th, 2007 at 3:41 pm
13
Lions?! It’s the walruses I’m worried about. You know you have a problem when you have walruses (walri?) on your lawn. Bloody Miraclegro. They started out as tusked moles. All I wanted was lusher, greener grass.
Buffalo are cool. That was amazing. I’d like to buy dog-bites-vagina woman a drink though. She really needs a soothing cocktail, that one.
May 29th, 2007 at 6:00 pm
14
If I had a dog that repeatedly bit me in the vagina and tried to eat my labrador’s penis I’d donate it to an orphanage.
What makes Labradoodles so disfunctional? Identity issues?
May 29th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
15
It’s no joke not knowing if you’re a canine or a sort of pasta. I mean who wants to be a type of pointy tooth? Identity issues? That sort of trauma requires identity tissues - great big identity kleenex*.
(*Do you think bloggers could get paid for brand-promotion in their everyday blogging activities? Kinda short this month.)
May 29th, 2007 at 7:00 pm
16
Being a labradoodle is probably like being a comedian. They’re probably expected to be cute all the time, even when they’re off duty. something has to give eventually.
May 30th, 2007 at 9:10 am
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