My statement
Posted on | May 14, 2007 | 17 Comments
Firstly let me state unequivocally: I have done nothing wrong and I have wronged no-one.
It’s all baloney, hoo-ha, drivel and tripe. I know that some people might say ‘Well, why didn’t you just give a straight answer when asked a straight question?’ but those people are ninnies. They simply don’t understand the complexities of the situation I found myself in at that time.
Firstly, my matrimonial situation was really terrible. Like awful. Dinners weren’t on the table when I got home, Thursday night role play was only happening once a month at most and one of my daughters would insist on reading me these terrible short stories she kept writing.
Things got so bad I was living in a safe in my office. Have you ever tried sleeping in a safe? It’s very hard to squeeze yourself in there, so it is.
Again people might say ‘You’re skirting the issue here. Why didn’t you just give a straight answer when asked a straight question?’ but those people are just wallies. I have never lived a lifestyle of vast wealth and my only little luxury was going over to see Manchester United play football where I wouldn’t even get so much as a sandwich let alone an envelope full of cash.
I’d have a quiet couple of pints with friends of mine who happened to property developers but we’d talk about all kinds of stuff like the bargains in Clery’s, how Ireland won yet another Eurovision song contest and we’d wonder whatever happened to the black guy who used to busk on Grafton Street. The idea that we’d talk about things related to business and use my position in the political world to take advantage of that is, as Robert Palmer would say, Simply Irresistable. Or is that Idiotic. Whatever.
The point is that things got so bad I had to rent out half my safe to pay the rent. Have you ever tried living in half a safe? Especially when the other half is rented out to a group of students going to DCU? Nightmare, let me tell you.
However, I can hear them saying to me ‘More guff and flapdoodle we don’t need. Why didn’t you just give a straight answer when asked a straight question?’ but those people are load of berks. I needed somewhere to live and it just so happened that one of my friends wanted to buy a house so I said I’d rent it off him.
After living in the corner of a safe, I had to sub-let part of it to an O’Brien’s Sandwich bar just to get by, this was luxury and my political life got better as a result. If you look back you’ll see the fortunes of the nation of Ireland improved dramatically once I had my own bedroom and bathroom and didn’t have to share. There’d have been no Celtic Tiger without it, you know.
I paid the rent and the lad that owned the new house decided that life in Ireland would get even better if he did up the house to make it even nicer than it already was. I told him there was no need, for me it was like a mansion after spending so long waking up every day with a crick in my neck, but he insisted so he gave a big lump of money to my new girlfriend because I was too busy serving the people of Ireland to deal with trifles like that.
It was his money, she looked after it and the first I knew about it was when we got new kitchen cabinets and the garden landscaped by some ruffian with a beard and shin splints. When she showed me how much she’d paid for the Koi Carp I couldn’t believe it but there you go.
That should have been enough for everyone but I can still hear them asking me ‘This is tommyrot and bunkum, and no mistake. Let’s try again. Instead of waiting days, even weeks, to answer the questions and getting a bunch of lawyers and spin doctors to write something (and let’s face it, they could make an explanation by the Yorkshire Ripper sound plausible), why didn’t you just give a straight answer when asked a straight question?’ but those people are thickheads.
Why didn’t I just give a straight answer when asked a straight question? Because I’m a fucking politician, that’s why.
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17 Responses to “My statement”
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May 14th, 2007 @ 9:12 am
You’ll be wanting to know about his underfloor heating next, tsk!
May 14th, 2007 @ 10:24 am
You’re not a politician. You’re a VERY NAUGHTY BOY !!
May 14th, 2007 @ 11:12 am
God he really is such a fucking tosser, isn’t he? What. An. Arse.
May 14th, 2007 @ 11:47 am
he’s getting away with it
May 14th, 2007 @ 12:29 pm
What a sneak. A statement given to a Sunday newspaper. Away from serious questions…away from serious answers…away with the fairies the whole damn thing. What a boring election. I wish I was French.
May 14th, 2007 @ 1:25 pm
All the sums add up very neatly – just remember- stick to the story and they’ve nuthin’ on us!
criminal behaviour and the gobshites will still vote for him – and you know why? ‘cos the majority of Irish people are corrupt and respect corruption.
it’s a disgrace.
May 14th, 2007 @ 2:16 pm
And in other news, Twentymajor has just received a job as Bertie’s new speech-writer.
May 14th, 2007 @ 2:56 pm
What he’s really doing is calling his wife a ball-buster who took his money and pushed him into taking pay-offs from corporate execs. How very classy.
What an ass.
May 14th, 2007 @ 4:10 pm
A cheating crook of a politician that not only is getting away with it, but in fact goes from strength to strength according uto opinion polls.
Is that the Celtic Tiger did, encouraged us all to be cheating, lying cunts as a way of getting on?
May 14th, 2007 @ 6:04 pm
Haha..im finding it increasingly hilarious all these “corruption” charges.
What’s funny about it is that this entire thing is an obsession of the media. The other party leaders don’t wanna talk about it, the vast majority of people in the street wanna talk about it, just the media.
And irish bloggers, ever the wanna be media types, are obsessed with it too.
Today in the Indo under the ELECTION 07 banner ran the headline about Celia decking out Berties house ten years ago.
CELIA INTERIOR DECORATING TEN YEARS AGO.
ELECTION 2007.
What.
The.
Fuck.
I don’t like Fianna Fail, but all this muckraking would almost drive me to vote for them, just to see how you would explain it.
And let it be clear, no one can actually point out the CORRUPT parts of this. sure theres something strange. But corrupt? Where!?
EVIDENCE PLEASE!
May 14th, 2007 @ 6:45 pm
The other party leaders dont want to talk about it because they’re scared shitless, that’s why.
May 14th, 2007 @ 7:50 pm
And you lot think Geroge is bad…..
May 14th, 2007 @ 8:06 pm
“More guff and flapdoodle” is the means by which cows bums are poisoning the planet and causing global-warming. I’d like to see the cows impeached. Or implumed at the very least – beef in plum sauce, slurp.
I dunno of course but I think “tommyrot and bunkum” are venereal diseases common in Irish politicians. Although they’re responsible for their own share of guff and flapdoodling, I hear. I’d burn ‘em all only that would be worse for the environment. Instead, I call for their immediate composting!
May 14th, 2007 @ 8:35 pm
Victor are you kidding me? He took money from corporate big wigs when he was the Minister of Finance. As said Minister, you should strive to conduct ethical transactions that are beyond transparency, and Ahern, by his own admission, took money from friends and lived for YEARS without even having a bank account. That’s not normal let alone free of the taint of corruption. Taking money from “friends” and having no traceable financial accounts reeks of graft. You cannot personally accept money as a politician without being accused that someone is buying your influence. Also, what middle aged man in politics lives without a bank account? Kee-rist.
May 14th, 2007 @ 9:06 pm
You cannot personaly accept money as a politician without being accused that someone is buying your influence.
You can’t accuse someone without evidence. Is their direct evidence that someone was trying to influence him?
May 14th, 2007 @ 9:08 pm
by the way, im not a bertie supporter nor do i think he’s squeeky clean. Im just annoyed that this is dominating the discussion we’re supposed to be having about the future of our country.
May 15th, 2007 @ 6:36 pm
Manchester meeting
“Howya lads. Do you know what I’d do if I were you? I’d buy property in Sheriff Street and Parnell Street. There’s a rumour that the minister for finance, eh, me, is going to create a thing called section 23 which is very user friendly for people like you. tanks for de dinner and de money by de way. christy? get de car will ya?”