Imagine all the people
“Jesus Christ”, said Dirty Dave, “have you every wished that non-tangible things were physically represented, even for a few moments so you could take your anger out on them?”
“I can’t say I have. Why?”, I asked.
“Well, have you heard that ad on the radio for that Saab bio-power car with that fucking poxy squealing cunt of a bitch singing some song about ‘releeeeeeeeease me!’?”
“Ooooh, I have. It’s shit.”
“Yes, it’s shit. It makes me so mad every time it comes on that I wish the song was real so I could punch it in the face.”
“You want to punch a song in the face? Wouldn’t it be better to punch the singer in the face?”
“It’s a woman, Twenty. That’s wife beating, if you hadn’t heard of it. No, it’d be much better to get the song by throat, in front of her, and punch its fucking face in. Possibly whilst wearing brass knuckles.”
“So you’d damage the song so much that when anyone else tried to play it, it would just sound all scratchy and broken and possibly like some kind of experimental Finnish reggae! That is nearly genius.”
“And it wouldn’t have to stop with songs. Imagine if you could create a phyiscal manifestation of racism, for example. You could tie it to a chair and give it a going over with iron bars and planks of wood with nails in them so it got brain damaged and anyone who acted in a racist manner would be condemned as a complete retard, even by other people who had racist thoughts.”
“This could be the best idea you’ve ever had.”
“And why stop at violence. Imagine if you could take somebody’s sadness and care for it and stroke it and rub it up and down off your groin like a cricketer does with the cricket ball and then give them back their sadness which was now happiness. A sticky kind of happiness but happiness nonetheless.”
“Damn, you’re impressing me here, Dave. If you could do that, leaving that Saab song aside, what would be the first thing you’d do? Of all the things in the world what would you do.”
He thought for a while.
“I’d imagine how good it would be to have a battenberg the size of a house and I’d get a battenberg the size of a house.”
“You are a true humanitarian, Dave. Don’t let anyone ever tell you different.
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:21 am
It’s an interesting concept for sure. I’d take your blog n roll it up and use it as a “roach” in my rollie. Sort of fitting eh? That should be taken as being a good thing. You’ll never walk alone, now theres a song i’d like to punch.
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:33 am
I like the concept of “sticky happiness” a lot. I like it almost as much as I detest Liverpool (what a link!). Cunts – the lot of them – a pox on their (council) houses
May 2nd, 2007 at 7:23 am
“Heavens above
Can this sticky stuff really be love?” — Billy Bragg
May 2nd, 2007 at 8:32 am
I take any such violent emotions out on students and homeless people, it keeps me sane.
May 2nd, 2007 at 8:39 am
That’s just silly Twenty, why don’t tell us more of them ones about the dwarves and Mary Harney, or the big fight up in Blancherds Town between the two auld fellahs and the Jehovahs Witnesses, or the one when the Nun went funny in the Pheonix park when she saw the gurrier riding past on a horse with his thing dangling down, or the one about the fellah from Tallagh that used to go work,
I like them ones,
I like battenberg cake too,
May 2nd, 2007 at 8:48 am
Sorry folks. I loved that song and I bought it on iTunes. Thought it was Bjork. But it wasn’t.
Good idea about the emotions though…
May 2nd, 2007 at 9:11 am
If Pat Kenny was a real person I’d like to thump him!
May 2nd, 2007 at 9:15 am
I can’t stand that bloody song..and I think the singer should be gassed rather than releeeeased.That post just takes the cake!
May 2nd, 2007 at 9:15 am
Conortje you can punch a plank.
May 2nd, 2007 at 10:35 am
Today is Wednesday and I shall be the frog of kindness
May 2nd, 2007 at 10:41 am
Ah Twenty isnt Liverpool just fan fucking tastic. Whats more enjoyable actually watching the game last night or reading the begrudgers today its a hard call.
May 2nd, 2007 at 10:46 am
Anything that causes Chelsea pain is good. Even if it is inflicted by scousers.
May 2nd, 2007 at 11:14 am
Battenberg? more of a chocolate layer cake fan myself.
May 2nd, 2007 at 11:14 am
Agreed McDara.
May 2nd, 2007 at 11:23 am
Whine, whinge and moan.
Jesus. What company you keep.
May 2nd, 2007 at 11:42 am
Oh frog of kindness would you please grant me one wish?
May 2nd, 2007 at 11:53 am
“Where’s your treble gone, where’s your treble gone”
Man U v Liverpool final all going according to plan.
Interesting. Champions League final. In Athens. Some Man U fans. Some Liverpool fans. Add a bit of beer and hey presto, you’ve got complete madness.
Should be good.
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:07 pm
pool will kick united’s asses in the final.
thats if milan dont do it tonight
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:41 pm
make your wishes quick. at midnight, sid returns to his true form – the goat of depravity
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:46 pm
Okay…based on Twenty’s theme today. I wish that when anyone uses a hand held mobile phone whilst driving, after 15 seconds the phone turns into a full sized boxing glove and punches the usesr in the face repeatedly…b*stards !!!
Quick Sid make it come true.
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Dale … you have but one wish, make it wisely
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:53 pm
Dale, this wish will not come true for you have not invoked the special powers of Mogalon, the wizard frog of the elders. Prey to him and then your wish shall be garnted
May 2nd, 2007 at 1:26 pm
Peadar – Liverpool can’t string two passes together.
May 2nd, 2007 at 1:37 pm
Soon to replace bad mimes on Grafton Street?
Love-Starved Dance With Themselves in Air Sex Competition
It’s like air guitar, only dirtier.
Love-starved Japanese men are gathering in Tokyo’s theater district to mime their best bedroom moves in a performance they’re calling “Air Sex,” the Mainichi Daily News reported recently.
“Air sex was originally invented by guys who couldn’t get girlfriends but desperately want to have sex,” said the creator of the genre, J-Taro Sugisaku.
The men compete in much the same manner as air guitar, crowning the champions who best mimic those actions that usually appear under cover of darkness.
And it’s dangerous, said last year’s champ, a guy named Cobra.
“You can’t care about what women watching your performance are thinking about you,” he said. “When you get down to air sex, you’ve got to immerse yourself in the air sex world.
“Air sex can’t be performed in half-measures,” he continued. “If it is, you’re only asking for trouble.”
May 2nd, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Okay I’ve prayed to Mogalon…now what?
and Gomaith…f*ck off about football will you.
May 2nd, 2007 at 2:04 pm
Now Dale of the frog wish, be strong. Stand up high and proud on top of your desk, bend slightly at the knee, lean forward and masterfully shake your booty. Invoke the spirit of Meoloth and sneer at your work colleagues placing a ’snnnrrrttt’ between every word. For then your wish will come true.
May 2nd, 2007 at 2:28 pm
Dale, I didn’t realise you were in charge of Twenty’s comments box. Congratulations on your new role. I wish you every success.
May 2nd, 2007 at 2:36 pm
doing violence to abstract concepts is SUCH a brilliant idea. If only.
I would kneecap self-pity, glass religion, and head-butt every thought Ann Coulter’s ever had.
May 2nd, 2007 at 2:45 pm
Thankyou Gomaith…it worked you didn’t mention football!
May 2nd, 2007 at 2:53 pm
I trust you are sated dear Dale
May 2nd, 2007 at 2:56 pm
ah, but you did dale. reverse (or perverse) psychologicals strike again
May 2nd, 2007 at 2:58 pm
Gomaith – ye of course, sure there a useless team.
It will be a great achievement for such a useless team to win 2 european cups in 3 years
May 2nd, 2007 at 3:13 pm
Peadar – I think the feeling at Anfield is that a Premiership title wouldn’t go astray. No doubting the achievements in Europe. No doubting it’s going to be a cracker. No doubting Liverpool are just a Cup team.
Sorry, Dale. Don’t bar me. It’s over between me and Peadar. To my regreat, I can’t see a future for us.
Sorry Peadar, it just wouldn’t work. Let’s call it a day. Start afresh. More fish in the sea, all that stuff.
May 2nd, 2007 at 3:54 pm
Sated indeed Sid…sated to excess infact.
May 2nd, 2007 at 4:00 pm
Jolly good. The frog of good tidings will be happy.
May 2nd, 2007 at 7:02 pm
I’d make friends with Fear and then talk about him behind his back.
I’d eat Delight.
May 2nd, 2007 at 10:33 pm
Sorry Go Maith things just seem to be going our way you can try again next year.