The canvassing has begun
A politician called to my door the other.
“Just saying hello”, he says. “You know the year that’s in it.”
“Indeed and I do”, says I. “Tell me”, I says, “that Michael McDowell. Is he as big a cunt in real life as he appears to be?”
“Oh Jesus”, he says, “he’s worse that that. He’s the biggest cunt I ever met in my life.”
“Is that right? And by what standards would be judging his cuntosity?”
“Well, I was around when Charlie Haughey was in power and he’s worse than Haughey. At least Haughey had a bit of rogues charm. McDowell has as much charm as one of the girls from that TV show Charmed but who has been kidnapped and had all the charm sucked out of her by an industrial sized Dyson so she’d have a minge like a three day old clam which was covered in glue and rolled around on a barber’s floor.”
“Well, Haughey was a mega-cunt so McDowell must be pretty fucking bad.”
“Oh he is, aye. Did you see that program on the telly the other week about that family in the USA who picket soldiers funerals because they’re protesting against ‘fags’?”
“I did.”
“Well, I’d rather have them around for dinner than McDowell.”
“That’s something”, says I.
“You know what else?”, he says. “If I was Jewish I’d rather invite a hideous beast made from the DNA of Hitler, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Mel Gibson to dinner, where dinner was my entire family slowly flayed then roasted before my eyes, than invite Michael McDowell.”
“He seems quite the cunt all right”, I says.
“And another thing. He’s such an enormous cunt I’d invite a load of travellers to pitch their caravans in my front garden and use my sitting room for a toilet and let one of them have sex with my virginal seventeen year old daughter, up the arse if he wanted … in fact, a number of them could roast her like they were English footballers, rather than spend more than five minutes in his company.”
“I like your style”, says I. “What party are you canvassing for?”
“The PDs”, says he.
April 11th, 2007 at 1:07 am
Utterly fucking brilliant. For a minute there I was expecting Bertie but now I understand how you got a book deal.
Class stuff.
April 11th, 2007 at 2:35 am
fairly obvious that was coming to be fair…
April 11th, 2007 at 9:03 am
So you’ll be voting for the guy, Twenty?
Just like the rest of Ireland will be voting for Fianna Fáil even though Bertie is as big as a cunt as McDowell is, only to have been rolled in teflon and topped up with a touch of charm along the way?
I’ll never understand elections. Glad I can’t vote anyway.
April 11th, 2007 at 9:22 am
Dear Mr Twenty,
I must complain most strongly about your constant use of the word “McDowell”. Quite appalling
April 11th, 2007 at 9:25 am
I always suspected you were a PD, you cunt.
It’ll be a leadership bid before we know it.
April 11th, 2007 at 9:27 am
Tell the truth. It was Liz O’Donnell.
April 11th, 2007 at 10:07 am
[...] in my increasingly frustrating job. The smirks usually arise from reading snippets such as “she’d have a minge like a three day old clam which was covered in glue and rolled around on a barb…“. The simple fact is, every day I am wondering how long it is feasible to get away with doing [...]
April 11th, 2007 at 10:13 am
Gaping mauldy cunt though he is, I thought he was pretty good in A Clockwork Orange.
April 11th, 2007 at 10:31 am
You spelt his name wrong.
It should be McDowel
April 11th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Savage stuff Twenty, it’ll be hard to top that post for a while. Poor old Mel hahaha.
By the by, did you know there’s a taxi driver in Sligo whose nickname is “Twenny Benson”?
April 11th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Twenny Benson, my long lost cousin.
That McDowel thing is classic.
April 12th, 2007 at 8:01 am
Not a great taxi driver if he’s lost for so long.
What do you think about taxi drivers anyway?
April 12th, 2007 at 11:52 am
Hi Twenty
Very funny, especially the virgin sacrifice! While heading for a 40 from Glasnevin yesterday evening I saw that Bertie cunt and 4 cronies. Looked like he was out canvassing too and when I passed (he was outside an off-licence) he was squeezing the life out of some young one. Judging by the grin on him she’d just been “sacrificed” in return for some election promise or other ;-)
April 16th, 2007 at 9:35 am
[...] Phrase of the Day #123 April 16, 2007 Posted by Rambling Man in Say it like it is. trackback “She’d have a minge like a three day old clam which was covered in glue and rolled around on a barber’s floor.” – Twenty Major [...]