Colegate it is not
Posted on | April 3, 2007 | 26 Comments
“Jaysus”, said Stinking Pete, “you’ll never guess what happened to me?”
“You stopped being a smelly cunt?”
“No!”
“You got your hole from a woman that didn’t post her profile on www.desperateforashag.com?”
“Haha. Very funny. No, it was something that happened in the bathroom.”
“I don’t want to know. Honestly, whatever it is, I don’t want to know. I’m still not fully recovered from your last bathroom story.”
“Ahh come on. I bet loads of people have forgotten to flush then gone in for a wee and got some splashback of their own wee and wee-soaked poo in their mouth.”
“Jesus. Shut up.”
“Well, you know the way I’ve had a cold for the last while…”
“Have you?”
“Oh you. Anyway, my nose is as blocked as the M50 at rush hour but for some reason I can’t blow the snot out of my nose. I have to snort it into my mouth then spit it out or swallow it.”
“Christ. Ron, triple Jameson please. And hurry.”
“So, I was about to brush my teeth last night when I hockeyed up a load of the green stuff and spat it into the sink. Then I sucked some toothpaste out of the tube, which is my preferred method of toothpaste consumption as I find putting it directly on your brush is a waste of precious time, and began to scrub my gnashers. At first I thought perhaps the toothpaste had gone a bit funny because there was an irony taste to it and it was slimier and jellier than usual.”
*glug*
“Another triple Ron, please.”
“Then I realised what had happened. I was holding the toothbrush over the sink and after I snorted up that snot I spat it into the sink but instead of going into the sink it landed on my toothbrush.”
“Jesus wept.”
“Have you ever brushed your teeth with your own infected phlegm, Twenty?”
I fucking told you I need some new friends.
Similar posts
Comments
26 Responses to “Colegate it is not”
Leave a Reply
April 3rd, 2007 @ 1:03 am
A friend of Linzi’s once convinced me to try drinking raw egg for a hangover cure. It was like trying to swallow the biggest lump of snot you could possibly fit in your mouth. Needless to say, as a hangover cure, it’s useless.
April 3rd, 2007 @ 5:02 am
I think that with some of these stories you should warn us ahead of time so we too can pour a strong drink…
April 3rd, 2007 @ 6:53 am
Twenty its too early to be getting sick on my desk. At least if I had been drinking there would be some excuse. I agree with Ldbug you need some sort of rating scale. Maybe use the Puking emoticon for stories likely to induce nausea.
April 3rd, 2007 @ 8:01 am
Oh my fucking GOD!!! That was priceless…… we are not worthy!!!!!
April 3rd, 2007 @ 8:30 am
Never post such stuff again, Twenty. I’m retching and deeply unhappy.
April 3rd, 2007 @ 9:15 am
It’s kinda like choking on you own vomit…
Could be worse – you could choke on someone else’s vomit…
April 3rd, 2007 @ 9:18 am
I am about to swoon
April 3rd, 2007 @ 9:31 am
Twenty I read this hours ago and still can’t get it out of my head. It’s been a long night of alcohol, and it’s your fault. God.
April 3rd, 2007 @ 10:30 am
Jesus wept!.
I’m not sure whether its the cryptosporidium or that story but I feel ill…guess I’ll leave brushing my teeth until the bile stops rising.
The dirty beggar!.
April 3rd, 2007 @ 10:48 am
I really found this cathartic this morning Twenty.
In a browny, greeny, wobbly globule-y kind of way.
Not the good way.
Ahem hackhhhhh !!!
April 3rd, 2007 @ 11:12 am
I was going to say something about his ring of confidence but considering we’re talking about Stinking Pete, I don’t think I dare.
April 3rd, 2007 @ 11:55 am
I was at party once where the host was brushing his teeth in the bathroom sink. In rushed some woman looking green when she was sick violently into the sink. The host casually turned on the tap, whilst continuing to brush teeth. Washed his mouth out under the tap…then used the tooth brush to get rid of the lumps of sick from the plug hole. Class!!
April 3rd, 2007 @ 12:30 pm
Please twenty, I have yet to recover – nothing so vile again – thankyou. I am orf pineapples and mint sauce for life
April 3rd, 2007 @ 2:09 pm
It’s a bit like the guy sittin’ at the bar drinkin’ shots of whiskey all day long and the bar man asks him his story. “I’m celebrating my first blow-job” he says. “Another round so?” asks the bar man. “Yeah, sure. I may aswell ’cause I still can’t rid of the taste of the cock”.
Badum Tishhhhh. Ya can ‘ave that !!!!!
April 3rd, 2007 @ 2:11 pm
I love when people dress up their personal stories as “jokes”.
April 3rd, 2007 @ 2:18 pm
Never again I tells ya!
April 3rd, 2007 @ 2:56 pm
reminds me of the custard scene in peter jackson’s film braindead. mmm, fresh pus-tard…
April 3rd, 2007 @ 4:06 pm
Okay, well that puts my day into perspective.
April 3rd, 2007 @ 4:09 pm
Jesus Twenty, it’s all about orifices and excreta with you – what about the loftier things in life?
April 3rd, 2007 @ 4:40 pm
Absolutely Shebah, I couldn’t agree more. It’s about time someone raised the tone of this unseemly blog………
…speaking of which, I was just thinking of how lucky we all are that Stinking Pete wasn’t having a wank at the sink when all this happened…..
April 3rd, 2007 @ 4:56 pm
His teeth would be nice and white at least…
April 3rd, 2007 @ 5:39 pm
What wisdom and wonder one derives from reading your collumn and its comments! Wouldn’t miss it for the world or a free drink.
April 3rd, 2007 @ 5:44 pm
sperm is good for whitening teeth then, is it?
April 3rd, 2007 @ 6:36 pm
all the actors in those lovely educational movies one can find on the interporn have gleaming white teeth. unfortunately, they are highly skilled professionals and none of the cunning stunts performed should be attempted in the comfort of your own sink.
April 3rd, 2007 @ 8:50 pm
What? You get a book deal and stop editing? It’s Colgate. Sheesh.
April 3rd, 2007 @ 9:28 pm
Colegate it is not.