A pig’s tail
Posted on | April 2, 2007 | 32 Comments
“Jaysus”, said Dirty Dave, “I was reading your blog the other day, I don’t normally because I hate the way I’m portrayed as this odorous retard instead of the erudite and quite fragrant person I really am, and I have a story to match your story about that woman walking out in front of you.”
“Is that right, you smelly fucker?”, I replied.
“Yes, it is. I was walking down the street and who should I spot in front of me but Irish Times columnist Roisin Ingle.”
“And?”
“And that’s it.”
“Did she get in your way? Did she walk across your path? Did she impede you in any way, shape or form?”
“No she did not.”
“Then how does your story match my story?”
“Ahh Jesus, it’s only a turn of phrase, Twenty. It’s like saying ‘Racism is bad’ or ‘Save the whales’. Just catchphrases if you like.”
“Christ, you are a fucking cretin.”
“The only thing I’d say to Roisin Ingle though is that pigtails don’t really suit a 50 year old woman, you know?”
“Well, you have a point there I suppose.”
“Do you remember my sister had pigtails when she was young?”
“I do.”
“One night I went into her room and cut them off and put them in her schoolbag. She went mental when she woke up. I remember my mother beating me about the head with a brush. Or a rolling pin, not sure. I thought that’d be the extent of my punishment but I underestimated my sister. While I was sleeping she broke into my room and poured a pint glass full of white paint down my throat. Nearly three weeks in hospital, I was. Nearly died twice. Once from the poisonous paint, the other they mistook me for another patient and took out my appendix and I nearly died under the anaesthetic. The doctors say that’s probably where I get my unique odour from, you know.”
“Have you lost your mind or something?”
“Never trust a woman with pigtails”, he said pointing at me and squinting his eyes as if to emphasise the point. “They’re dangerous.”
Then he went home. I need some new friends.
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32 Responses to “A pig’s tail”
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April 2nd, 2007 @ 12:45 am
Roisin Ingle is charming and wonderful, pigtails or not, and is nowhere near 50! Maybe you’re just dropping the name in there because you fancy her, eh Major?
April 2nd, 2007 @ 12:50 am
Fred, go eat some leftovers.
April 2nd, 2007 @ 12:58 am
Pigtails cry out “chop me off!” In stereo they cry it. Who doesn’t find the snip of scissors on hair curiously satisfying? I know my daughters, at 4, find it just as fascinating as I did at 5. (I was a bit slow to develop.)
And pigtails are just so tantalisingly there; so dangly and tantalising with the promise of a great big forbidden snip. (Lorenna Bobbit took that all a bit far, mind.)
And once off, there can only be one place to hide them: in a schoolbag. Your friend is only following what the ancient hindbrain is telling him to do. He is either a twit with no impulse control, or a very great genius indeed. It’s why they really put Socrates on trial. He was in the throes of an exploration into larger causative agents and, only in that one summer were Grecian ladies’ hairstyles worn short. Socrates invented the bob. (Plato, in the course of his own work, had a lot to do with the shag.)
I’m a professor of history at Stamford University. You would be a fool to doubt my word on this.
April 2nd, 2007 @ 8:50 am
I doubt your word on this problemchild. Everyone knows Plato can’t even get into the United first team
April 2nd, 2007 @ 8:58 am
Heidi has a lot to answer for.
April 2nd, 2007 @ 9:22 am
Nonsense, I say.
Pigtails were first used in 1960’s pornographic films by tall Swedish blonds in milkmaid outfits. The pigtails in question were an essential component in the invention of a new erotic position. The position in question was a variation of the doggie and was known as the ‘Harley’.
I’m sure I don’t need to paint a picture.
April 2nd, 2007 @ 10:18 am
Lung, if you were to paint a picture what would it be of …
April 2nd, 2007 @ 10:40 am
Pigtails shouldn’t be allowed for woman over 14. It doesn’t make you look younger, just sillier.
April 2nd, 2007 @ 10:51 am
Or ‘zanier’
April 2nd, 2007 @ 11:08 am
And zany, as we all know, is for cunts.
April 2nd, 2007 @ 11:15 am
Fuck you all. I wear pigtails and I look damn fucking fine in them. And if anyone disagrees, I’ll cut their balls off.
April 2nd, 2007 @ 11:16 am
You’re not 50 like Roisin Ingle though. Or are you?
April 2nd, 2007 @ 11:45 am
Heh, look at the little piggy’s tail. Curly….straight. Curly…straight.
Sweary, what will you do if a woman disagrees with you?
April 2nd, 2007 @ 11:52 am
If Socrates invented the Bob then surely Plato invented the Plat (similar to pigtails)…and no he wouldn’t have made it into the first team likewise with Archemdes (it was he who invented the shag not Plato…but they call it a screw in those days.)
April 2nd, 2007 @ 11:52 am
Heh, look at the little piggy’s tail. Curly….straight. Curly…straight.
haha, I love that episode.
That crusty old dean.
April 2nd, 2007 @ 11:55 am
Maybe she looking for a good ride with those pony tails.
April 2nd, 2007 @ 12:13 pm
why do pigs have ‘pony’ tails?
April 2nd, 2007 @ 1:02 pm
Do I really look 50? Holy shit, time to stop drinking.
If they were women, Kav, I’d… cut their melons off?
April 2nd, 2007 @ 1:14 pm
What if it was Kate Moss or someone with no discernible ‘melons’? Just cut off their nipples with a cigar cutter?
April 2nd, 2007 @ 1:45 pm
Your bra bomb better work, Nerdlinger!
April 2nd, 2007 @ 2:13 pm
Twenty, what if, conversely, they had those huge big jazzers with the big “Ballymun Saucer” nipples? There is no way on earth you’d get a cigar cutter to trim those. Not even nearly.
April 2nd, 2007 @ 2:14 pm
Garden shears, Walter. Or some kind of scimitar.
April 2nd, 2007 @ 3:13 pm
For Kate Moss, I’d make a Monty Python-inspired exception. I’d cut all her bits off.
April 2nd, 2007 @ 3:24 pm
Swearing Lady, I’ll take any of the spare parts you aren’t using yourself.
April 2nd, 2007 @ 3:37 pm
ouch.(grabs boobs protectively, wipes tears from eyes)
Swearing Lady – you could force feed Kate Moss – losing her limbs would probably be a pediment along the lines of terminal skeletalness that she would like, go the mud cake.
April 2nd, 2007 @ 4:35 pm
I bags her earlobes!
Meatiest part, you know. Blody Roman food, though.
April 2nd, 2007 @ 4:35 pm
Fucking hell, bloody. I’m a dick.
April 2nd, 2007 @ 4:35 pm
It’s fortunate for Pete that she didn’t decide to cut his peter off. Had she, he’d be called Peckerless Pete. Smelling bad doesn’t sound so bad when you think of that. About those pigtails: they come in handy when you’re doing it doggie style. Sorta like handlebars. Better than riding a motorcyle.
April 2nd, 2007 @ 5:25 pm
Lady, you can keep the fuckin’ earlobes! Leave the rest intact. I could just stick on some clip on ear-rings, ear-muffs or simply brush her hair forward a bit to fill in the gaps and the rest will do just fine. (If there’s a dick I don’t want it even if it is as some 10% extra free offer). We have a deal. Where should I collect?
April 2nd, 2007 @ 6:15 pm
Anorexia House
00, Sternum Lane
Knockkneed Ave.
Bodyfluffville
April 2nd, 2007 @ 11:18 pm
Rosin Ingle – You coulda done worse – what about walking behind assholes like John Waters, Brown aND DEAR jESUS ALL THOSE OTHERS SUPERANNUATED IRISH TIMES TYPES TOO MALODOROUS AND FART FILLED TO METION – you were lucky
April 3rd, 2007 @ 4:09 pm
sorry there should be a nim in there, but some of my keys are cranky since I tried to get the mudcake crumbs out of my keyboard.