What pet would you have
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on March 30th, 2007
“Twenty”, said Dirty Dave, “if you had to choose a pet what would you choose from a Liger (a cross between a lion and a tiger), a talking horse or an Eskimo?”
“Well Dirty Dave”, I replied, “I already have two pets and to be honest Bastardface and Throatripper are more than enough for me.”
“I’m only speaking hypodermically, Twenty”, he said. “I realise your pets are quite enough. They’d be enough for anyone and you’d want to watch that cat. Old Larry Johnson from around the corner was trying to shoot it the other day but the little cunt just caught the shotgun pellets in his mouth and spat them out. Then he eviscerated Larry’s cat just to teach him a lesson.”
“How exactly do you want me to control an animal like that? He seems to like me and the dog so that’s fine by me. I’ll just let nature take its course.”
“Anyway, back to my original question. What’d you have?”
“Well, as I already have a cat that gets off on killing things the Liger, while an attractive option due to its sheer size and guard cat capabilities, wouldn’t do. It’d be cool to take him for a walk though. Like those black guys you see with their hyenas on chains.”
“Yeah, in the townships of Kenya and Nigeria, yeah!”
“No, I meant the ones at the top of O’Connell Street, but there you go. A talking horse? Mr Ed was a bit of a smart mouthed cunt, wasn’t he? And who’s to say he’d ever shut up. If a horse can talk he might also be the kind of animal that stays awake all night and can you imagine what a pain in the arse it would be trying to sleep with a horse outside your window bellowing or simply reciting the poetry of TS Eliot. I would have to say no to the the horse.”
“So you’d take the Eskimos! They’re cute little cunts, aren’t they?”
“Well, you do realise that Eskimos are people who inhabit the circumpolar region, excluding Scandinavia and most of Russia, but including the easternmost portions of Siberia, don’t you? I think you might have gotten them mixed up with something else.”
“Aren’t they those little gerbil things with the ears and the tail and they look like fur covered armadillos?”
“You mean chinchillas.”
“Oh shit.”
“What have you done?”
“Erm. I ordered 6 of them the other day. They’re arriving tomorrow.”
“Where the fuck did you order 6 Eskimos?”
“Buy and sell.”
“How much?”
“€23.99 each.”
“Not bad. Anyway, you’ve made your bed, you have to lie it.”
“This is snow joke, Twenty.”
“Well, I’m finding the whole thing very a-mooseing, now if you’ll excuse ice have to go to the ig-loo.”
Eskimos indeed. They should be arriving this morning. I might take one off his hands. Who knows when you need a spot of ice-fishing done and if I ever need to cook a seal it’ll very handy.
grand stuff are eskimos - they come with cute little clubs as well so great for defending the fridge freezer
March 30th, 2007 at 9:54 am
And they can stand the cold, as well. Handy to warm up the car for you in the morning. So you don’t have to go out in the cold and sit in a cold car.
Do they come with their own huskies as well? I like those dogs.
March 30th, 2007 at 10:05 am
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you fuckers must be mad . Eskimoes drink about 12 pints on an afternoon session , then they go into town for a few jars later. What with, a constant supply of ice , seals , etc. They’ll eat and drink youse out of house and home. Whale meat again , don’t know where , don’t know …..bang…
March 30th, 2007 at 10:07 am
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Inuit wasn’t going to be easy to think of something pun-tastic to go along with that Twenty. I’ll think about it for a while.
March 30th, 2007 at 10:12 am
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I’m not sure its a good idea bringing them down here what with global warming and all. alaska round though.
March 30th, 2007 at 10:36 am
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“Do you think that Eskimo woman would come to Dublin?” ” I don’t know…Alaska”
Watch Dirty Dave he might drop you ‘inuit’.
March 30th, 2007 at 10:54 am
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Dale, do you not read the comments above?
March 30th, 2007 at 10:56 am
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My sister bought a hamster and called him Benson. She loved him so much that she wanted another one. When she bought the new lad, I insisted that she call him Hedges. Unfortunately, Hedges only lasted a few days because Benson tore him to pieces and ate bits of him. Male hamsters are very territorial. I’d forgotten about that.
March 30th, 2007 at 11:08 am
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haha, hamsters are cunts although people who spell it ‘hampster’ are even bigger cunts.
March 30th, 2007 at 11:10 am
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Twenty you would be well advised to find out if they are inuit or Yupik. Because like the talking hourse the Yupik may keep you awake all night singing and dancing.
And of course you a Yup is not just for Christmas
March 30th, 2007 at 11:19 am
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Gutted, thought you were building up to the infamous Eskimo ice cube joke.
March 30th, 2007 at 11:28 am
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If you do take one twenty..will Dave decide which one you get or can Yupik your own?
March 30th, 2007 at 11:51 am
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Ice sea where this is going..artic comments going to be moderated?
March 30th, 2007 at 11:52 am
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a liger……
are u sure it was’nt napolean dynamite u were talking to???
March 30th, 2007 at 11:57 am
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Twenty, sorry I will try harder next time. Either my computer is very slow or I can’t read.
March 30th, 2007 at 12:31 pm
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Don’t apologise Dale, yer (ice) block head - I sincerely apologise for that
March 30th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
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er… these comments leave me cold?
It was the best I could do at short notice.
March 30th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
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Cheers Sid…I think it’s all gone to his head now. You know. new Blog site, various awards and a two book deal. Come on Major cheer up you tw*t.
March 30th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
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I shivering with anticipation to hear how this floes into another story.
March 30th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
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I’m shivering with precipitation!
I’ll get my fur-trimmed coat.
March 30th, 2007 at 1:23 pm
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Eskimos, it is well known that they have 4 million and three words for snow. I wonder how many words they have Twenty
March 30th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
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twenty (words)
March 30th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
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Gosh Sid, that about seals it. My view is the polar opposite of yours, I thought they’d have more.
March 30th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
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Sorry fatmammycat, I would have based my aspersion on good authority from colleagues on HMS Endeavour (members of the Royal Navy Seals club - yes they do club) but they can’t tell me right now - but they did say that I could Esk them (in a) Mo
March 30th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
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Twenty, Canoe tell me how long these people are going to arctic-ulate these flimsy eskimo references? Eskimo they a-fjord to do it for so long. They must be (whale) bone idle at work. They should be Bearing Strait back to their jobs.
That’s enough from me now. My eyes are getting Glacier by the minute looking at the screen.
(Groan….)
March 30th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
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if an eskimo goes around in circles is he circumcised?
March 30th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
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Eskimos have frozen chips on their shoulders. You wouldn’t want them as house-guests. All they do is whine and carp and harpoon about their melting igloos. After a dozen or so cold ones from the frigidaire most of them end up blubbering upstairs in the arctic.
March 30th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
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No Sid…but you could always kick him in the icehole. (Polar)-Cap that!
March 30th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
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frosty silence from twenty. or maybe he’s just flaking out, if you get my drift
March 30th, 2007 at 4:35 pm
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Narwhal could he be?
I’m sharing a coat with Swearing.
March 30th, 2007 at 7:56 pm
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