Get out of my way
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on March 30th, 2007
Walking through town earlier when out from a shop emerged a small planet disguised as a very ugly woman. Without even seeing me she stepped into my path and proceeded to walk as slowly as she possibly could.
It all my strength not to start orbiting her, the cunt. Then when I went left to go past she’d go left, when I went right she went right. With people coming the other way in all directions I was utterly trapped.
Eventually I saw a gap in the oncoming traffic and squeezed past. I turned around and, not a word of a lie, I could feel myself turning to stone just at a glimpse of this gigantic Medusa.
It made me wish that her father, all those years ago, had had just one more wank she would never have been born thus leaving me unvexed during my stroll.
I had a similarly unsettling incident recently, which, curiously, also involved a fat ugly woman. She bumped into me, and my stupid conditioned Pavlovian response was to apologise, even though it was her who fucking well bashed into me. The ill-mannered, high-and-mighty bitch had the temerity to glower at me when I said sorry.
My dad raised me not to hit women, so to make myself feel better I gave a homeless lad an O’Brien’s sandwich laced with rat poison. The sandwich on its own probably would’ve done the trick, but I didn’t want to take any chances.
March 30th, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Twenty, are you talking out Uranus again?
March 30th, 2007 at 3:17 pm
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I took the bus home from Galway to oranmore this afternoon and not only was the woman who sat beside me HUGE and HIDEOUS..(she was only in her twentie) she also has not become aquainted with mr soap and mrs water.She also sat on my leg (I’m a grown woman its not like she missed the fact that I was sitting on the seat)for half of the journey until I shook her off in order to save my leg.She gave ME a filthy look?.
March 30th, 2007 at 3:43 pm
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Reminds me of a tale about the fat, red faced impatient woman who bashed into bloke in supermarket.
“Sorry” he said, reflex response. “So you should be”, she said. “No”, he said “Im sorry you are so fucking ugly and I have the misfortune to have to look at you”
March 30th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
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Ah yes the waddle of the fat people. you can see them out on every by pass in Ireland form between 5.30 and 8. the govenment saved a lot of money on crash barriers because of them.they are especially entertaining during slow moving traffic as they try to beat the cars to the next lamp post with their attempted jog.
March 30th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
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You know what you all need? A guide dog. Their fantastic creatures. They have this uncanny ability to get people to move out of the way. Watch a blinder walking down a busy street at a decent pace. You’ll notice that the people walking toward them part in every direction as the blind person walks toward them. I’m telling you all. Being blind in this country has some great advantages. Another thing you could try is using a cane. Wave it about like your very confedantly scanning your surroundings and just watch as people scatter from your path.
May not work if you look on in histerics of laughter. Dark glasses may be required to mask the fact that you can see.
March 30th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
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did you see me stick me fingers up?
March 30th, 2007 at 4:17 pm
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Had quite the opposite experience myself during lunchtime today at one of Beshoff’s branches. While myself and my lunch mate stood in the special Beshoff’s extra length Friday queue, we observed an rather anorexic looking couple in their mid 40’s. They managed somehow to worm their way to the top of the adjacent queue and order one of the low fat meals with some sort of diet drink. Later they looked at with disdain as we guzzled a fresh cod and chips with the obligatory portion of cling film wrapped bread. Skinnies ruined my lunch ….. I shall eat my chinese tonight in camera…….
March 30th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
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sid, dare i ask what you stuck your fingers up?
inside every fat person are several thin people trying to get out. usually the ones they ate for lunch.
March 30th, 2007 at 4:40 pm
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Can’t be easy being HUGE though.
The lack of familiarity with your own genitals would be one thing that springs to mind.
Getting vacumed onto the toilet bowl when you inadvertantly push one of your back-ripples off the flusher might be another. You’d have to slip some fingers under your bum cheeks to let some air in so you could get up again……presumably to go back to the fridge.
And thus, life goes on…….and on.
March 30th, 2007 at 5:36 pm
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Ahhhhh, I always wondered what happened to Bibi Baskin.
March 30th, 2007 at 6:40 pm
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Right, and I’ve actually been late to my desk at work before stuck behind SMFP’s (slow-moving-fat-people). They somehow manage to completely not notice when there are people stuck behind them as the waddle towards whatever their intended destination is.
Also take note, no one seems to notice what their intended destination is, as all attempts to track them have been stymied by frustrated people giving up and squeezing past them as soon as possible.
The SMFP is a strange beast indeed, and over in the colonial shores of Americaland they breed quite often, producing slightly smaller SMFP’s, which travel in herds until older and larger, in an attempt to mimic the behaviour of the older ones.
Someone should commision a study on them. Up for it, Twenty?
March 30th, 2007 at 8:24 pm
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twenty strols heh tahts so gay
March 30th, 2007 at 10:14 pm
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Philster - Bibi Baskin now runs a B&B in India. That’s like running a B&B in Kerry except that the breakfast choices are Full Indian or Sub-Continental.
March 31st, 2007 at 3:37 am
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Ugly fat people, whats that about?
the omissions of their farts are killing
the planet, send them to Africa to feed the hungry buggers there, right wheres my KBE?
March 31st, 2007 at 5:58 am
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With the World population set to peak at 9 billion ,masturbation is something that is eminently laudable. Do you think you have any Papal influence? Then Latin America could do its bit too.
March 31st, 2007 at 9:00 am
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Primal sneeze- I have a vision of BiBi sevving up soft boiled eggs to that cunt Tony Quinn (health supplement/lifestyle guru prick) and him giving her a knowing smile.Now,I’m stuck with this image for the day.Thanks for that.Tony fucking Quinn. This your punishment Primal: http://www.tonyquinn.com/bob.html
March 31st, 2007 at 9:10 am
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one should never stroll without an umbrella.
If you sharpen the tip to a stilletto like point,
you can prod any salad dodgers in their oversized arse’s to move them out of the way,
also quiet handy for small children,cats and itinerants
March 31st, 2007 at 12:17 pm
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Philster.
That link is just uber-creepy. A permatanned, lantern-jawed 80 year old power lifter, that goes by the name “Dr. Bob” Yeeuch.
March 31st, 2007 at 1:30 pm
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Dogzbollix,
That leprachaunesque Tony Quinn has a bit of David Keresh vibe about him. I can picture Tony and Dr Bob holed up in some compound in the Bog of Allen, armed with Ab-isolators, anti-oxidants and custard creams.Fuck it, they might even ask Steve Collins along while they waited for the end of the world.
March 31st, 2007 at 2:58 pm
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Are you all talking about Mary Harney?
April 1st, 2007 at 2:26 am
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And you didn’t strangle/hit/yell at her???
What’s become of you Mr Major. You’re going soft in your old age.
April 1st, 2007 at 7:08 am
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What kind of a country are we living in where our Minister for Health is obese? Or are the Government being ironic?
April 1st, 2007 at 10:13 am
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And you didn’t strangle/hit/yell at her???
What’s become of you Mr Major. You’re going soft in your old age.
She was enormous. It’d have been like David and Goliath and I didn’t have a catapult.
April 1st, 2007 at 10:15 am
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Meanderthals.
No. It’s not a spelling mistake.
April 1st, 2007 at 2:34 pm
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