For those of you outside of Ireland this is an afternoon chat show presented by Grainne (Graw-nya) Seoige (Show-igga) and Joe (Boring) O’Shea (Cunt).
Grainne is quite pretty and glamorous and used to be a newsreader and she made the news sexy and attractive. I’ll never forget Stinking Pete going on and on about her.
“Phwoooar!”, he said, “I was watching the news on TV3 earlier and, phwoar, and 8 orphans and a load of puppies were killed in a house fire, HUBBA HUBBA!”, he said rubbing his thighs.
Anyway, RTE are going to commission a second series of their afternoon show despite some concerns over the audience figures. They obviously need to introduce some new features though. Here are some suggestions:
1 - Get yer man O’Shea out and about like some kind of roving reporter. However, instead of merely asking people questions put him in situations where he faces extreme danger. For example, send him to a halting site wearing a ‘Padraig Nally is my hero’ t-shirt or ask him to break into Mary Harney’s lair to try and steal away one piece of her food (she knows, like other monsters with their gold and treasure, exactly how much is there at any time).
2 – Get all the guests drunk before they go on. What are the great chat show moments you can recall off the top of your head? George Best on Wogan. Oliver Reed on any chat show ever. That pissed bloke who broke onto the set of the Late, Late Show a couple of months back and called Pat Kenny an ‘arsehole’. It would certainly liven things up if they had to contend with well-oiled interviewees.
3 – Get a band in. Not just to play music at one certain point in the show but one of those bands that plays the theme tune then interacts wittily with the presenters. Perhaps Tom Dunne from Something Happens and The Rest of Something Happens would be a good name for them. It’s never been done before, you see, so it’d give the show a cutting edge, like a butter knife.
4 – Have Grainne wear a sexy outfit for each show. I asked Stinking Pete and he said if the show runs for five days a week then it should get increasingly sexy as the week goes on. His suggestions were: Monday – Nurse. Tuesday – Ban Garda. Wednesday – Government Minister. Thursday – Astronaut. Friday – Miss Havisham from Great Expectations.
Remind me never to ask that cunt anything ever again.
5 - Have exciting competitions such as inviting people who have become famous for being on reality TV shows onto the show, then kidnapping them, tying them up in a remote location somewhere in the country (without food or water) and giving clues to the public to find them. We can watch them struggle against the ropes and blindfold and Pulp Fiction style mouth gag as the week progresses (and via the RTE website on a webcam!). If they’re found the winner gets a super prize like a TV-VHS combo. If they’re not found they die and in that way everyone’s a winner.
So there you go. No doubt RTE will ignore me, yet again, but if they’re serious about making this show a success they need to listen to the people. Oh yes.
Miss Havisham from Great Expectations – Oh my!
We call them “Shite & Shovel” around my way.
We think there’s something about the way Seoige looks at O’Shea that says “I can’t believe I’m sharing a job with this cunt”
I particularly approve of the last suggestion. Only problem is if they book Jade ‘The Lard Monster’ Goody, it could take months before she buys the farm.
Anyway they can’t ignore you now. A few months down the line they’ll be begging you to come on and promote the book:-)
You really have to question two things..first, why Tyrone productions EVER thought they could conjur up a little chemistry between these pair and secondly which goon in RTE thinks its deserving of another series.
If it must continue, I’m all for the roving reporter idea..maybe they could cover him in steak and send him to the lion’s enclosure in the zoo?.I’d actually watch that.
Idea five has been done before it was called cunthunt. They used to have two old people use there experience to guess what the fucking clues meant and then find the person before they died. Well a least I think I have seen it before.
Some of the jobs I go on are very much like that last suggestion.
The opening credits are a ringer for the Alan Partridge ones… you couldn’t do a better piss take credits!
Bring back Thelma Mansfield and Derek Davis.
O’Shea reminds me of a really boring fucker from Cork.
He thinks smiling makes him look intelligent. What a knob.
Seoige always looks like she’s taking a crap. Yesterday she was constipated during the interview with Christy Hennessy. Christy was completely taken aback by it all.
Oh yeah and if between them, Seoige and those two mingers from The Afternoon Show are an example of grown-up Irish womanhood – WE ARE ALL DOOMED.
Derek Davis!
Now I’m reminded of that joke… What has forty legs and smells of piss? The front row audience at Live At Three!
Did I tell ye that one before?
RTE got rid of Thelma Mansfield coz she cut off her own ear.
She used to wear lovely jumpers though.They used to do little ‘fashion’ segments for the aul dear’s who wanted to knit Thelma’s jumpers…pathetic? a little. A fuck site better than S&S? Definitely.
Bring back Boobie Baskin!
What was wrong with Thelma’s ear?
it was attached to her head twenty!
Yeah, she was in this crazy love triangle with Derek Davies and Brian Dobson, don’t know exactly what went down, but she ended up slicing her lobe off in the back of a taxi one night.
Isn’t Thelma Lady Kilallan now?
Though how anyone has a “title” in this country I don’t know, as we’re supposed to be a republic!!
Like that smarmy git “Lord” Mountcharles. You’d want to be looking for something, I reckon, to call any of the dirty elitists by any title other than “Cunt”!
Wow that’s really cool man. Didn’t know Thelma was up for it. Is it out on DVD yet?
Thelma Mansfiels. Hmmmm. Squuuezy, cheeezy, pleeeez.
rte worried about audience figures? really? with such exciting programmes as celebrity jigs’n'reels, tubridy tonight, crimecall and families in trouble, they have nothing to worry about. useless cunts. why anybody bothers watching either rte is beyond me. even podge and rodge has that silly bint louise kennedy in it. here’s an idea – put kennedy and thelma in a car and send them off on an orgy of self destruction and mayhem, and call it… two cunts in a car.
The man host must be older and have nothing much going for him except his unlikely self-confidence and his good hair, so all the grannies can say “Oh I like him, yer wan with the lovely hair.” To put a younger, more good-looking man on to that job just emasculates men everywhere by association. It spoils it for everyone.
The woman host must be plucky and game and do on location assignments where her bum looks big and her boobs look small so she can win over the difficult women aged 25-39 bracket, but she must also be comely and have a good mouth that the whole male demographic can imagine wrapped round their various willies.
Another one isn’t needed. I haven’t seen the show but there’s a spare leg there, or “a prick,” if you will. ‘Cos how many people does it really take to sit on a sofa and talk about the growing problem of overweight pets of an afternoon?
Was starting to sound like David Letterman or Conan, up till the sexy lady part..
Quick! Look at the last sentence of the first paragraph here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gr%C3%A1inne_Seoige
2:35pm Aust EST – I’m sure that sentence will disappear soon
What’s a Padraig Nally?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Padraig_Nally
Oh.
Always been fond of Grainne meself.
ah leave em alone ye mean fuckers….der making money for doin nutin arnt dey!!! My whole life iv dreamed of a job like dat!!!…And by da way Cork people are legends da rest of ye silly bog trotters are just jealous!!!!