“Here, Twenty”, said Dirty Dave, “I got one of them emails yesterday saying I’d get $32,856,466 from some African dictator who died and I’ll I had to do was send $3,000 in unmarked bills to a bloke in the sub-sahara.”
“I hope you deleted it.”
“Of course I did. I’m not fucking thick you know.”
I had the good grace not to correct him.
“And then didn’t I go out and take some money out of the bank and there was this Nigerian lad standing over me at the ATM with a machine trying to capture my pin number so I says ‘Get the fuck out of that you, you cunt and take your Sealesque pockmarked face away from me before I plant my fucking shoe in it’.”
“Good man.”
“Then, this beggar comes up to me with a note about how her life is so hard and she has 19 children and they all need to eat so I says ‘Well, if you’ve had 19 children your gee must be absolutely ruined and the few coins I give you won’t make the slightest bit of difference’, and I walked off home.”
“Very impressive.”
“So, I went back home and there was this thing that came through the door which said I’d won a holiday to America and I’ll I had to do to claim the holiday was ring a premium rate phone number and give all my details and I figured if I rang up it’d be some cunt going ‘Wel….come. To … … … the … … … phone … … … num … … ber … to … … … win … the … hol … … … … … i … … … … day’ and I chucked the thing away.”
“Fair play to you.”
“And after that I went out and I passed by the bookies and who did I see outside but Johnny the Jockey.”
Johnny the Jockey is a little short arsed prick who used to be a jockey. In donkey races. He was always too pissed to stay on a real horse. Thinks he knows everything about the horse racing game.
“Oh aye?”
“Yeah! And he gave me a tip for the 3.15 at Cheltenham yesterday. Said it was a sure thing. Not a chance of it losing.”
“But, you obviously told him to stick his tip up his hole (if you’ll pardon the imagery that conjours), right?”
“Nah, put €2,000 on it.”
“And it lost, right?”
“Yes, in the sense that it came in first!”
“Fucking hell, you must have won a packet.”
“I did. And I went shopping. Put the whole thing into bear bonds.”
“You mean bearer bonds?”
“No, bear bonds. That’s what he said.”
Dave can now cash his horse racing winnings in for the equivalent value of kodiak bears.
Kodiak bears? You could probably sell them as exotic pets to people who think Pit Bulls are a bit common. Jayz, he’ll make a packet.
I think his winnings entitle him to two paws and a bit of the lower mandible.
If they can dance along to an accordion you can tell him I’ll take two. Ta.
no doubt he’ll get skinned
I’d have loved if Gentle Ben went fucking mental one day and ate everyone. That would have been seriously cool.
It doesn’t bear thinking about…
Well, nobody else has said it yet…
But guys, bear in mind the fact that he did win on the horses..speaking of which, anyone got a tip for the gold cup?
Well if nothing else comes to bear he can always try that Charles Taylor scam. Who actually falls for all that crap , I mean somebody must .
Must say, wouldn’t really fancy a Kodiak moment. I figure ‘twould hurt like fuck….
I had a lovely young fellow from Dublin call me up the other day wanting to give me a loan – a personal loan, no less(!), you’re a generous lot aren’t you – donating all your hard won cash to bears, horses, impoverished Aussie broads etc etc …