The best covers band in Dublin
Posted in Blog, de-punz by Twenty Major on March 12th, 2007
Many years ago myself, Jimmy, Dave and Stinking Pete decided we’d fulfill all our musical ambitions by setting up our own band. We soon realised that we were no good when it came to writing songs of our own so we figured doing cover versions was the way to go.
Jimmy played the drums, Stinking Pete was the guitarist, I had one of those keyboards that looked like a keyboard-guitar (naturally I had a very thin leather tie on too) while Dirty Dave, despite his filth and unspeakable stench, has the voice of an angel so he was the singer.
We rehearsed in Jimmy’s garage and soon we had all the hits sounding as cool as the original artists. From ‘Hold me now’ by The Thomson Twins to ‘Wishful thinking’ by China Crisis to ‘Solid’ by Ashford and Simpson we were smooooooth, let me tell you. We asked Ron if we could do a night in his bar but he told us to fuck off and hit Stinking Pete in the head with one of those old soda water dispensers.
So we asked around and eventually we got a landlord so desperate for anything to bring extra custom in he gave us a shot. We got some flyers printed up in Prontaprint and plastered them around the area and soon there was a great buzz about our first gig. The band was called The Separated Bags on account of how difficult it was, back in those days, to separate supermarket plastic bags.
Now, we were all confident performers but Stinking Pete suffered a bit from stage fright. He was a very accomplished guitarist though and had been taught many years previously by Jose Feliciano, the famous blind guitarist. He told Pete he’d never seen a talent like his but not even such supportive words from such a great strummer could help him overcome his nerves.
At one jazz club performance Pete was so nervous he fingers kept slipping off the strings and he inadvertently invented acoustic death metal. Jose Feliciano was most upset to see his protegé suffer so badly, knowing that unless he could overcome his stage fright he’d never reach his true potential. One day he handed Pete a small bottle and told him that he should use the precious liquid inside to coat his fingertips before each live performance and they’d never slip again. When Pete asked what it was he was reluctant to tell him what it was but when pressed he revealed he’d stuck a needle into his own eyeball and drained all the liquid out of it.
“What do I care? I’m blind already!”, he said. So, whenever Pete had to play live he used some and it always helped him calm down.
So, our first gig went reasonably well. There were a good few people there including BP Fallon and Niall Stokes from Hot Press (who got bottled in the back of the head because some woman said his ’stupid curly fucking hair’ was blocking her view) and the reaction we got was great. Our version of Wordy Rappinghood by Tom Tom Club had everybody talking. Soon we were pulling in the crowds and while that was great we had some problems as the more people that came the more nervous Pete got.
One night he felt the effects of the magic liquid wearing off and in the middle of Golden Brown he ran off to apply some more. Afterwards I was furious.
“You couldn’t have waited until the end of the song?”, I shouted.
“No. I’m sorry. I was going to poo in my pants. I was touching cloth, Twenty.”
The very next gig the same thing happened. We hadn’t even got to the chorus of Bette Davis Eyes when he chucked down his guitar and ran off stage again. We carried on as best we could but his funky wah-wah pedal made the song. This was crazy. Again I had a big row with him and he promised he wouldn’t do it again.
But wouldn’t you know the next gig, with even more people despite his madcap antics, the very same thing happened. Right at the crescendo of Living in a Box the cunt fucked his guitar off the stage and ran shrieking to the dressing room for his priceless fluid. We got through the rest of the night ok but this time he had the three of us giving him grief.
“You better get a fucking grip or I’ll shove that guitar up your hole”, said Jimmy.
“Stop being such a fucking fanny”, said Dirty Dave who was revelling in the limelight as the singer in Dublin’s best covers band and didn’t want to lose the little appeal he had.
In retrospect I suppose that did nothing to make him feel less nervous and when we got word on the grapevine that there’d be some VIP guests at our next gig he was an absolute bag of nerves. When he peeked out on stage and saw Mike Murphy, former Miss Ireland Olivia Treacy, Terry Hall from the Fun Boy Three, Martin Fry from ABC and John Craven from John Craven’s Newsround - amongst all the other special guests - I swear you could see the bulge in the seat of his pants as his turtle’s tail emerged.
I knew I had to do something or the gig would be a total shambles but what? Then it came to me in a flash.
“Pete, where do you keep that vial that you need so badly?”
“In my soon to be retro foldover satchel. Why?”
“No time for why, just shut up.”
So I ran off and got the stuff, another small bottle and a ball of twine. I shared out the solution between the two bottles and then all I had to do was attach them to him so if he felt like he needed it during the performance he didn’t have to run off stage. It was devilishly simple in its devilish simplicity. With the gig just moments away I ran up to Pete and lashed the bottles to the insides of his elbows with a double highwayman’s hitch.
“There you go!”, I said.
“What the fuck is this?”, he replied.
I looked at him a moment before speaking.
“Eye juice tied in your arms, tonight.”
well twenty, am just home from the alternative miss ireland in the olympia and let me confirm to u that the whole fucking worl is gay. mind u i forgot my bank card so could’nt finish what the good lord’s been trying to do 4 years. So me and my kate bush cd are finding comfort with each other now
March 12th, 2007 at 12:32 am
It was just as well you stocked him up before he go-goed, Twenty.
March 12th, 2007 at 4:00 am
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*slow applause*
March 12th, 2007 at 5:18 am
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Jeez… I knew there was a hideous pun coming but I just could not figure it out in time to save myself.
March 12th, 2007 at 5:29 am
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Groan. You just make me spill my first coffee of the morning.
March 12th, 2007 at 7:04 am
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Don’t tell me the leather tie had piano keys on it as well.
March 12th, 2007 at 8:14 am
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IFigured that the eye juice would cause fingers to go stiff and you were about to announce that Twenty and all were really the band formerly know as SLF and were announcing your comeback.
March 12th, 2007 at 9:00 am
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It must have been something you said?
Too funny!
March 12th, 2007 at 9:02 am
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He told Pete he’d never seen a talent like his
… coz he was blind. Jayz, you Dublin lads are so feckin’ gullible.
March 12th, 2007 at 9:10 am
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Please…please stop. Have you considered early retirement?
March 12th, 2007 at 10:13 am
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You know you love it.
March 12th, 2007 at 10:15 am
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You should have walked away, Twenty.
Should have walked away.
March 12th, 2007 at 10:35 am
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So me and my kate bush cd are finding comfort with each other now
It’s a long way from Bush you were rared.
March 12th, 2007 at 10:41 am
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A hand in the bush is worth 2 on the bird…
March 12th, 2007 at 11:10 am
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very funny but there must be some weird shit going on in your head
March 12th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
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That’s exactly what I needed to cheer me up on my first day back from vacation. I knew I could depend on you Twenty.
March 12th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
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Jaysus,
thats worse than the kermit jagger gag.Its credit to you.
March 12th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
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I went straight to the punchline this morning. I liked Jose Felicano calling S. Pete the best guitarist he’d ever seen , very g’nick. I usually have a small bottle before a gig, where are yis gigging next
March 12th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
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Jesus, I really liked the TOM TOM Club. I didn’t think anyone else had really heard of them though.
March 12th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
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I just got a bit sick out of my nose. Thanks.
March 12th, 2007 at 4:30 pm
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You started my week off with a damn good laugh. You are one funny old fuck. Hey! Who was watching you on the keyboard, Stevie Wonder?
March 12th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
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Saw Tom Tom Club play live in GALWAY a good number of years back… only brill…
Tina Weyouth can stab me in the eyes anytime…!!!
March 12th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
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…or she can certainly contribute to me going blind in some other fashion…
March 12th, 2007 at 8:09 pm
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sad, just well, sad…
March 12th, 2007 at 9:12 pm
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A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian,
“Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?”
She stops doing her writing, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,
“F*** off, ye’ll no bring it back!”
March 13th, 2007 at 7:01 am
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Blind Jose Feliciano’s eye juice - Twenty that post was evidence there is life from other planets on Earth, this is well beyond the reach of hallucinogens.
March 13th, 2007 at 7:43 am
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The Tom Tom Club were briliant.
One of my favourite parts of the Talking Heads ‘Stop Making Sense’ DVD (and the entire thing is brilliant)is the bit where Tom Tom Club do a short set including Wordy rappinghood and genius of love.
Class.
March 13th, 2007 at 9:37 am
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Cover versions » Twenty Major - Still smoking in Dublin bars says:
[...] have to say I’m a sucker for a good cover version (and regular readers will know we once had a covers band). A classic 80s pop tune reworked can be just the ticket as you’re storming through town with [...]
May 30th, 2007 at 9:34 am
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