The tomb of Jesus
Posted on | February 28, 2007 | 19 Comments
Can you believe James Cameron saying he’s found the tomb of Jesus? Firstly, you’d have to think the leader of the Tory party would have more important things to do, and secondly, if it really was the tomb of Jesus then it would surely have been much cooler than an old stone box. This was the son of God, for fuck’s sake. It would have been totally pimped with satin cushions and a DVD player in the top of it so he could watch the box set of Twin Peaks as he was waiting to rise again.
Theologians, architects, church elders and pretty much everyone else has dismissed the whole thing as a ludicrous piece of PR designed to get people to watch the documentary he’s made. It alleges that Jesus had a son called ‘Judah’. Preposterous. Being a man of taste and a forward thinking deity he’d have called his son ‘Wayne’ or ‘Colin’. Judah sounds way too much like Jew. Or Yoda.
It put me in mind of the time I travelled to Egypt with Jimmy the Bollix and Dirty Dave. We were over there for a bit of a jolly, to watch some illegal camel racing as the Dubai tour hit the Alexandria flats and to do a bit of a repair job to the nose of the sphinx, something we never got around to.
Anyway, Jimmy and I went on the almighty piss and didn’t notice that Dave had wandered off somewhere. After a few days and it become obvious that he wasn’t around to fetch stuff for us we began to get a bit worried. Conscious of the fact people get kidnapped and blown up there quite a bit we became slightly worried when we didn’t see him for another week. We were just about to get in touch with the police when he came back covered in dust and bits of old rock.
“Where the fuck have you been?”, I asked.
“Come quick! Come quick!”, he said.
“What’s going on?”
“Well, I decided I’d do a spot of exploring and I found a hidden door at the side of one of the pyramids. On further inspection it led to a tunnel and when you pulled a lever, which looked like one of those dog-bird things, it opened into a chamber and in there was an enormous coffin. Using my rudimentary knowledge of hieroglyhpics I deduced that I was in the presence of someone important. Some more poking around and a quick unravelling of a mummy or two and I figured it out. I’d found the final resting place of Egypt’s most famous pharaoh. Come look!”
So off we went to check out Dave’s discovery. As usual it was a complete let down. After a brief inspection it became obvious it wasn’t what he thought it was.
“Dave, you cretinous spanner”, said Jimmy. “Look at this inscription here. It says that this is the sarcophagus of a very, very fat Spanish woman.”
“Oh, what?”, he said.
“Yeah, this is no pharaoh. This is the tomb of Two-ton Carmen.”
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19 Responses to “The tomb of Jesus”
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February 28th, 2007 @ 9:38 am
Funny Twenty!
February 28th, 2007 @ 10:06 am
Was she related to Two-Ton Ted from Teddington…that mate of Benny Hills.
February 28th, 2007 @ 11:51 am
There I was, thinking that nothing could get me giggling at 6:45 in the morning after pounding down numerous pints last night and you proved me wrong, Twenty. Thanks.
February 28th, 2007 @ 2:30 pm
Was there one of those old fashioned horns at the entrance that you squeezed to gain entry? Toot and come in.
February 28th, 2007 @ 2:48 pm
this makes the whole jesus story nothing more than a cruci-fiction
February 28th, 2007 @ 3:50 pm
What a pile of shite.
February 28th, 2007 @ 4:07 pm
Personally, having seen the photos, I think those ‘ossuaries’ are the helmet boxes off of the Holy Families Honda Fifty.
February 28th, 2007 @ 4:10 pm
Oh – and before some smartarse says there were no Honda Fiftys back then – yes there were.
It’s a little known fact that there were moterbikes in the Holy Land way back when – read your Bible – in Genises is specifically says that
“The roar of Moses’s Triumph was heard throughout the land”
February 28th, 2007 @ 4:14 pm
true. should have gotten jk rowling to do the screen play. she is used to writing fantasy books for children, so re-writing the new testament should be no problem. maybe the special effects will be better, with more monsters and demons and magic, and a big hollywood type spectacular ending. it wouldn’t be any more believable than the current shite, but then fiction generally isn’t to be taken seriously.
February 28th, 2007 @ 4:19 pm
they had football too for the good book says that “jesus went up for the cross”
February 28th, 2007 @ 4:21 pm
would have made the whole thing a bit easier if they had one of these stickers on the ossuary
http://growabrain.typepad.com/growabrain/images/jesus_inside_2.jpg
February 28th, 2007 @ 4:57 pm
OOOO, That was gooood!
February 28th, 2007 @ 5:53 pm
You are a cynical lot. I for one am prepared to swallow it. Oh and by the way, why didn’t anyone tell me what a dump Ennis is? The smell of burning pete.
February 28th, 2007 @ 5:56 pm
And I mean Pete. The screams!
February 28th, 2007 @ 6:04 pm
Dear Major
Those red-neck thick fucking christian brothers in St Therese’s Primary School Donore Ave. where I learned catechism knocked it into our skulls that there is no tomb, he rose into heaven and now sits at the right hand of the father….and fuck all the theologians, architects, and church elders.
http://paddunn.blogspot.com/
February 28th, 2007 @ 11:34 pm
Jesus would totally have a son named “Yoda”
Too bad about Dirty’s find;-)
March 1st, 2007 @ 8:02 am
I’m fucking disgusted I didn’t see that one coming.
You’re a bollox.
March 1st, 2007 @ 12:49 pm
All the story is short of “well the bone box back ther belongs to some geezer named Brian of Arithemea”
March 16th, 2008 @ 7:59 pm
Hi,we will Pray for You that your mind will soon be transformed to accept Jesus As Your Lord and Saviour in order that You may Experience the Joy and Happiness Of Millions Of True Believers scattered throughout the earth.